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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSS to live here

165 replies

sadimas · 19/09/2023 22:51

I posted yesterday about my DSS but i'm looking to see if i'm BU on this. Long story short, DSS is 17 at the end of this month, since DP split with his mum she's been trying to turn him against DP(and me). His mum lied and said I was the reason for the split, when DD(now 6) was born she told him DP didn't love him which made him resent her and used to push her when she'd just started walking and we still have to supervise them now.

DP and DSS don't really have a relationship and he hadn't been here since Christmas until Sunday when DP's ex messaged him and told him to pick him up as she'd caught him having sex. He has been having sex with different girls for around a year, when DP spoke to him when it started he was told it wasn't any of his business.

He came here Sunday and was angry because we swapped the rooms around. I went out with DD and he came back drunk which DP dealt with.

DSS was out last night we didn't know where until DP had a message from his ex telling him that he was at her house saying he wanted to go back there and was swearing at her etc. She said if DP didn't pick him up she'd call the police. DP picked him up and he was still the same here. He was shouting at us and threatened DP, he then started ripping his posters up. This all woke up DD. DP was shouting at DSS which was making things worse. I suspect DSS may have taken something but I obviously don't know.

He was fine with me all day, he was even fine with DD when she finished school. Until DP got home. DP asked if he wanted to go anywhere, DSS said no and that he never wants to go anywhere with DP which led to then arguing as DP calling him disrespectful. I've taken DD to my mums but we can't stay here. DP says DSS was still the same and said we have to stick by him but he's making it clear he hates us/DP especially.

AIBU in not wanting him here?

OP posts:
OhNoForever · 19/09/2023 23:08

You need to give him time to settle in. Christ, he's feeling rejected by his mum. And now his dad too. Ripped posters are not the end of the world.

Reassure him, get him therapy if you can afford it. Where would be even go if you kicked him out?

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 23:11

Why do you have to supervise a 17 year old around your 6 year old? What do you mean by that?

saffronsoup · 19/09/2023 23:15

Teens can be moody and difficult and angry and push boundaries. It is part of adolescence and developing their identity and independence.

additionally you have kid in a high conflict situation with two parents in two homes. He is a kid who no one really wants so he will act out. That way at least he can be rejected for his behaviour rather than that he at his core isn’t loveable or worth parental love.

Your DD may also get moody in her teens and talk back and get drunk and get mad. It isn’t rare behaviour in teens.

SpringViolet · 19/09/2023 23:19

Good picture of the horrible ex wife you’ve built up there (how do you know what she’d said/didn’t say to him), who seems to have been raising a teenage boy single handedly who is obviously badly affected by his Dad creating a new family and having little to do with him.

Now you’re seeing the fallout of that and it’s all the child’s and ex’s fault?

Seddon · 19/09/2023 23:20

The unfortunate reality of having teens is that you have to love them and support them and try to keep them safe even when they're being absolute arseholes. This is your DP's responsibility to his son, not something he can opt out of because you don't like it. All you can do is work as a team and be consistent with the boundaries, and hope to god your DD doesn't put you through the same.

Seddon · 19/09/2023 23:22

I am trying really hard not to be biased here but tbh you really showed your colours by bringing up something he did when he was 6.

Spud90 · 19/09/2023 23:22

Yes YABU. Agree with everything PP have said. Also, he’s 17 years old and can have sex with who he chooses. It’s really nobody elses business. Give him advice by all means but it’s his body and his choice. Some love and support wouldn’t go amiss by the sounds of it.

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 23:23

This is a 17 year old who has to be supervised around a 6 year old and who's threatened his father - I presume with violence. No, this is not normal teenage behaviour! There's a 6 year old here who deserves protection.

Theunamedcat · 19/09/2023 23:24

Seddon · 19/09/2023 23:22

I am trying really hard not to be biased here but tbh you really showed your colours by bringing up something he did when he was 6.

Her daughter is six? Dss would have been about 12 when he pushed her as she was learning to walk im assuming as he is still supervised around her his behaviour hasn't improved

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 23:26

Seddon · 19/09/2023 23:22

I am trying really hard not to be biased here but tbh you really showed your colours by bringing up something he did when he was 6.

Er, no. Her DD is now 6 and DSS is 17. Therefore he was 11 when she was born. He was 11 when he was pushing her. That's the kind of behaviour you expect from a 2 or 3 year old sibling who's jealous. It's really not normal for an 11 year old.

Not only that, she says they still have to supervise him around the now-6 year old. She hasn't said why. So his behaviour at 11 is very relevant to her current concern, which is, rightly, the safety of the 6 year old.

HelloGoodbye92 · 19/09/2023 23:26

Sorry but if he has to be supervised around a 6 year old then he shouldn’t be there at all.

Theunamedcat · 19/09/2023 23:26

Spud90 · 19/09/2023 23:22

Yes YABU. Agree with everything PP have said. Also, he’s 17 years old and can have sex with who he chooses. It’s really nobody elses business. Give him advice by all means but it’s his body and his choice. Some love and support wouldn’t go amiss by the sounds of it.

He can have sex but not in someone else's house without their permission you can't just demand the right to have sex in your parents house go elsewhere if they object

Justleaveitblankthen · 19/09/2023 23:26

Seddon · 19/09/2023 23:22

I am trying really hard not to be biased here but tbh you really showed your colours by bringing up something he did when he was 6.

Wasn't he around 10 at the time🤔 Pushing a baby over as she was taking her first steps?

Spud90 · 19/09/2023 23:27

It doesn’t say anything about where he was having sex. Just that he was having it and with multiple different girls.

SpringViolet · 19/09/2023 23:28

I can’t get over the DP demanding respect from a teenage son he doesn’t really have a relationship with (from the OP) and hadn’t seen since Christmas which was what, 9 months ago?

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 23:28

Justleaveitblankthen · 19/09/2023 23:26

Wasn't he around 10 at the time🤔 Pushing a baby over as she was taking her first steps?

Show quote history

He was most likely 12 actually. At least 11. That's disturbing, regardless of how angry he felt at his father.

Seddon · 19/09/2023 23:29

Thank you to the three posters who corrected my maths, sorry, it's early here. (One would have been enough but that's MN for you, I'm sure there'll be plenty more to come.)

theduchessofspork · 19/09/2023 23:29

It does sound like you have collectively (mainly his parents, but it doesn’t sound like you helped) fucked up the parenting of this child.

Give it a bit of time. He’s no more his mother’s responsibility than his father’s, and he is too young to be kicked out of home.

YABU not to accept he has a right to be in your home. It’s his home too.

Talk to your partner, get your DSS some counselling, lay down sound ground rules, but you cannot just opt to not look after kids. I am a stepparent so I know it’s not easy, but you knew your partner had a son.

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 23:31

theduchessofspork · 19/09/2023 23:29

It does sound like you have collectively (mainly his parents, but it doesn’t sound like you helped) fucked up the parenting of this child.

Give it a bit of time. He’s no more his mother’s responsibility than his father’s, and he is too young to be kicked out of home.

YABU not to accept he has a right to be in your home. It’s his home too.

Talk to your partner, get your DSS some counselling, lay down sound ground rules, but you cannot just opt to not look after kids. I am a stepparent so I know it’s not easy, but you knew your partner had a son.

Do you know why she says DSS has to be supervised around OP's 6 year old? Do you know what he threatened his father with? The 6 year old has a right to live in safety and not share a home with someone who has to be supervised around her and is apparently threatening violence.

Lydiala · 19/09/2023 23:33

Your dh is responsible for his son. He is 16. He is a child. His mother has kicked him out and he has nowhere else to go. What do you propose your dh does here? Kick his own child out onto the streets?

Lavender14 · 19/09/2023 23:34

For me everything reads like dss is in pain. He's feeling rejected by both parents for different reasons and he's lashing out and reacting because at 17 he doesn't have the emotional regulation or even the words to be able to explain that. Nor does he have the relationship with anyone of you to be able to do that right now.

I would try to reach him and help him settle in and make it home and you and dp are probably going to need to pick your battles for the next while. I'd recommend getting dss a youth worker or counsellor to talk to so he's less isolated.

I do want to know why you feel you still need to supervise him around your dd though? What's happened apart from him pushing her as a baby? If you feel she is genuinely unsafe around him or like he'd intentionally hurt her then that's a different scenario.

It sounds like there's more going on than him just having sex and maybe mum hasn't been dealing with it and now she's just wiping her hands. Your dp needs to find a way to have an honest conversation with her about what's actually been happening at her house so you know exactly what you're dealing with.

MoonShinesBright · 19/09/2023 23:36

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Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 19/09/2023 23:36

I would tell him he can live here as long as he treats you and your DD with respect. If he wants to drink that’s fine, but no coming home drunk. No coming home late and waking everyone up. If he acts like a dick head he will be out. If your DP doesn’t like the rules you set he can be out too.

Original poster
sadimas · 19/09/2023 23:38

DP tried and tried to rebuild the relationship but it didn't work. It was DSS’s choice not to come here since Christmas and even prior to that he’d stopped coming here often. DP asked if he wanted to go somewhere else but he would say no.

We have to supervise him with DD due to the violence, he was around 12 when he was pushing DD. And when he was last here at Christmas he threw a doll at her, he says it wasn't at her, she just got in his way. But he shouldn't have been throwing anyway. We do love him but I don't want him to be around DD if he's going to be violent.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 19/09/2023 23:40

Yabu

it is his fathers job to be a parent and figure out why his son is in such turmoil. If he doesn’t have a great relationship with his son, that is no one’s fault but his own. It is the father’s job to fix it. Living together will help.

you do have a choice to not live with the step-son, but that also means not living with your husband .

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