To not want DSS to live here

[sadimas]

I posted yesterday about my DSS but i'm looking to see if i'm BU on this. Long story short, DSS is 17 at the end of this month, since DP split with his mum she's been trying to turn him against DP(and me). His mum lied and said I was the reason for the split, when DD(now 6) was born she told him DP didn't love him which made him resent her and used to push her when she'd just started walking and we still have to supervise them now.

DP and DSS don't really have a relationship and he hadn't been here since Christmas until Sunday when DP's ex messaged him and told him to pick him up as she'd caught him having sex. He has been having sex with different girls for around a year, when DP spoke to him when it started he was told it wasn't any of his business.

He came here Sunday and was angry because we swapped the rooms around. I went out with DD and he came back drunk which DP dealt with.

DSS was out last night we didn't know where until DP had a message from his ex telling him that he was at her house saying he wanted to go back there and was swearing at her etc. She said if DP didn't pick him up she'd call the police. DP picked him up and he was still the same here. He was shouting at us and threatened DP, he then started ripping his posters up. This all woke up DD. DP was shouting at DSS which was making things worse. I suspect DSS may have taken something but I obviously don't know.

He was fine with me all day, he was even fine with DD when she finished school. Until DP got home. DP asked if he wanted to go anywhere, DSS said no and that he never wants to go anywhere with DP which led to then arguing as DP calling him disrespectful. I've taken DD to my mums but we can't stay here. DP says DSS was still the same and said we have to stick by him but he's making it clear he hates us/DP especially.

AIBU in not wanting him here?

Financially things are tight at the moment but I wonder if family therapy is an option for your partner, his older child and his mum? It may create a safe space for him to be able to say how he feels and what he needs going forwards and undoubtedly, he will have much to say to both parents about how his life has been handled. Just being able to say it might have positive results for him. It's a terrible thing to have to face as a parent but it just might help.

I can't come up with a fair alternative. Both children stand to lose out here, one way or another. Your job, however, is to protect your child and honestly, in your shoes, I would be leaving if the step child moved in.

This

DP’s ex didn't stop him from seeing DSS, DSS came here 50/50 up until last year when he stopped coming often. DP sent messages to him but they either got ignored or DP got told to leave him alone.

I believe that he stopped due to what his mum had been telling him over the years. Me and DP got together around 6 months after he split with his ex. He didn't plan on telling DSS for a while but his mum found out and told him and made him believe I was the reason they'd split. I wasn't and DP wasn't living with them at the time. The house is in both of our names and our finances are joint. It isn't possible for us to afford a flat as well as the house.

It also isn't fair for us to stay at my mums as there isn't any room for her to have her own room when I'm also there, and I don't want to leave her there as it isn't fair to my mum as she is a carer for my SN brother.

What a pickle, looks like he needs to live with you then

What if something happened to you OP, and you weren't here in 10 years time; how would you want your DD to be parented / treated by a stepmother?
You said here he was OK with you. Maybe you can help the situation, and make it better for your whole family in the long run. He's just a kid.

Where are you actually proposing SS goes?

His mum clearly isn’t willing to take him back if she was calling the police on him yesterday. You can’t afford a second flat for him.

Do you want your DP to turn his son out onto the streets?

You didn't answer my questions about why he continues to need to be supervised around your DD.

It's weird you're all fixating on the sex and ignoring the violence and danger to the 6 year olds.

One instance of chucking something vaguely near a child doesn't mean the child is in danger. A 17 year old sleeping around is something to be concerned about.

Her 6 year old is wildly unlikely to be whacking babies at 12, throwing dolls at 6 year olds at 16 and threatening her father with violence at 17. That's not remotely normal teenage 'acting out' behaviour.

It is quite normal for kids with poor mental health. Which can happen to any child. I just hope OP doesn't decide her own kid should be chucked out for others to deal with if she becomes problematic.

@Pollyputhekettleon I said we still need to supervise due to the violence, it was multiple times when she was a toddler. It did stop being as often until she used to go near him to ask him to play with her etc, and he'd push her away.

I don't know how many times I can that it is not one instance. And it was not 'vaguely near' a child, it was at her. And it was her doll. And he was 16 and she was 5. Stop being an apologist for violence against children.

It's really disturbing that you're more concerned about what he does in the privacy of his own room with another consenting adult than his aggression and violence towards a child.

No it's not normal for kids with 'poor mental health'. Most people, including children, with mental health issues, are not violent, especially to babies and very young children. That's incredibly offensive.

Okay, absolutely, not minimising this whatsoever but what do you mean by push her away? Was she getting in his lap? Was she climbing on him and he pushed her off and she landed on her bum?

or did he give her a firm shove and she went flying backwards across the room there’s an enormous difference.

Toddlers can be an absolute pain in the arse. my son is entirely normal, not neuro diverse at all and not at all violent but if cousin tried to climb on him, he would push them off, absolutely he would. (And quite rightly).

Yabu. Your DP needs to look after his teenage son and if his new partner doesn't like that he needs to prioritise his son.

She’s not his new partner, they have a 6 year old. He has two children he’s responsible for, not one. His son isn’t more deserving of care than his daughter.

@Fuckingfuming1 she wasn't climbing on him, she was to the side of him when he would push her.

I do love him and we did used to get along quite well so I don't understand some of the comments on here. I'm just concerned about DD being around him when he's being violent. The other night he did scare her, a PP said it was just a few posters and yes they were but he woke DD up with his shouting and scared her. His mum sent him here because she walked in on him having sex and she said if she did then her younger children could, he's already said he'll do the same here which is also a concern. Although he was angry when he said it and he's since said he's embarrassed so I'm unsure if he will.

Again, he was calm when DP wasn't home but as soon as he got home and DP started talking to him, DSS was snappy and they ended up arguing so I don't think it would help if me and DD did move out. Which isn't possible anyway

I do sympathise I genuinely do having had a teenagers. The trouble is you quite simply just have to stick with them there’s no other solution. Back when we were younger 1995 they could get council flats and they would be able to get support but it’s all gone.