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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DSS to live here

165 replies

sadimas · 19/09/2023 22:51

I posted yesterday about my DSS but i'm looking to see if i'm BU on this. Long story short, DSS is 17 at the end of this month, since DP split with his mum she's been trying to turn him against DP(and me). His mum lied and said I was the reason for the split, when DD(now 6) was born she told him DP didn't love him which made him resent her and used to push her when she'd just started walking and we still have to supervise them now.

DP and DSS don't really have a relationship and he hadn't been here since Christmas until Sunday when DP's ex messaged him and told him to pick him up as she'd caught him having sex. He has been having sex with different girls for around a year, when DP spoke to him when it started he was told it wasn't any of his business.

He came here Sunday and was angry because we swapped the rooms around. I went out with DD and he came back drunk which DP dealt with.

DSS was out last night we didn't know where until DP had a message from his ex telling him that he was at her house saying he wanted to go back there and was swearing at her etc. She said if DP didn't pick him up she'd call the police. DP picked him up and he was still the same here. He was shouting at us and threatened DP, he then started ripping his posters up. This all woke up DD. DP was shouting at DSS which was making things worse. I suspect DSS may have taken something but I obviously don't know.

He was fine with me all day, he was even fine with DD when she finished school. Until DP got home. DP asked if he wanted to go anywhere, DSS said no and that he never wants to go anywhere with DP which led to then arguing as DP calling him disrespectful. I've taken DD to my mums but we can't stay here. DP says DSS was still the same and said we have to stick by him but he's making it clear he hates us/DP especially.

AIBU in not wanting him here?

OP posts:
Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 23:41

sadimas · 19/09/2023 23:38

DP tried and tried to rebuild the relationship but it didn't work. It was DSS’s choice not to come here since Christmas and even prior to that he’d stopped coming here often. DP asked if he wanted to go somewhere else but he would say no.

We have to supervise him with DD due to the violence, he was around 12 when he was pushing DD. And when he was last here at Christmas he threw a doll at her, he says it wasn't at her, she just got in his way. But he shouldn't have been throwing anyway. We do love him but I don't want him to be around DD if he's going to be violent.

Why was a 17 year old throwing a doll? And is that the only incidence of violence with anyone since he was 12? Did he threaten your DP with violence in the last few days?

And by the way, what did everyone do about the fact a 12 year old was violent to a baby?

Redmat · 19/09/2023 23:41

This must be very hard for you and your 6 year old but you can't ask your husband to opt out of parenting his older child because you have a younger one.

SpringViolet · 19/09/2023 23:44

Did you all explore why he felt the malice he did to his baby sister to push her over at the time (while he was still a young child himself) and get support to work through it with him?

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 23:47

SpringViolet · 19/09/2023 23:44

Did you all explore why he felt the malice he did to his baby sister to push her over at the time (while he was still a young child himself) and get support to work through it with him?

She's claimed that his mother told DSS that DP didn't love him, which caused the resentment. 12 is not a young child by any stretch of that definition. 12 is virtually a teenager. 12 year olds can get jealous of baby siblings but only very disturbed ones are actually violent to them.

Startrekkeruniverse · 19/09/2023 23:51

ignoring everything else, a few posters seem to be doubting the ability of the mother (ex wife) to turn the son against the father. Sadly this happens very often so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the case here as well.

Cascais · 19/09/2023 23:52

yabu

BoredZelda · 20/09/2023 00:01

He sounds like a kid who is sleeping around to find some kind of affection, pushing at his parents boundaries to see how far they bend before they break.

He needs help and support to find his way, preferably from people who aren't judging him.

Fast forward ten years to when your angelic 6 year old starts acting out, will you throw her out too?

CuteCillian · 20/09/2023 00:04

*it is his fathers job to be a parent and figure out why his son is in such turmoil. If he doesn’t have a great relationship with his son, that is no one’s fault but his own. It is the father’s job to fix it. Living together will help.

you do have a choice to not live with the step-son, but that also means not living with your husband*

I agree with this. Sounds like your DP has some serious work to do to make your DSS a respectable and happy member of society.

Fuckingfuming1 · 20/09/2023 00:09

If it was me, I would take your daughter to your mothers and stay there until this has been resolved. If your DP throws his 17-year-old out, he is a despicable person.

StBrides · 20/09/2023 00:14

Wasn't right to swap his bedroom around when he wasn't there and not tell him. I get that he wasn't talking to his dad at the to but that was pretty sh*tty and I'm not surprised he kicked off.

Being aggressive & violent to his little sister is unacceptable and yanbu to not want him to live with you, but his dad still has parental responsibility and he's in a lot of pain thanks to rejection from all of you (the room swapping is a rejection) which isn't going to go away over night.

What efforts did his dad go to to stay in touch with him? And how often?

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 00:16

BoredZelda · 20/09/2023 00:01

He sounds like a kid who is sleeping around to find some kind of affection, pushing at his parents boundaries to see how far they bend before they break.

He needs help and support to find his way, preferably from people who aren't judging him.

Fast forward ten years to when your angelic 6 year old starts acting out, will you throw her out too?

It's weird you're all fixating on the sex and ignoring the violence and danger to the 6 year olds.

Her 6 year old is wildly unlikely to be whacking babies at 12, throwing dolls at 6 year olds at 16 and threatening her father with violence at 17. That's not remotely normal teenage 'acting out' behaviour.

KajsaKavat · 20/09/2023 00:17

The poor kid has been thrown out from his home by his mum, he needs support and understanding.
it’s not so easy being 17 and he doesn’t want to live at your house so of course he isn’t got vto be happy and nice to you.

Dotcheck · 20/09/2023 00:18

So, your step son did what many teenagers do and decided not to come to your house at weekends ( presumably because he wanted to be with friends), and your husband just shrugged his shoulders and gave up?
Respect is earned, so I’m not sure what your husband hopes to achieve by bellowing for respect.

This kid has been dumped by everybody who is supposed to look after him. Your husband has one last chance to build a relationship and give him
stability. I somehow doubt this will happen because no one can be bothered to understand that he needs help.
What a shame.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/09/2023 00:27

Poor kid has been dumped/abandoned by his parents. Seems to be sleeping around as a cry for affection maybe.

Your DH needs to pull his finger out and start being a damn parent. You reap what you sow.

Marcipex · 20/09/2023 00:28

I think the six year old has to be protected from him.
Maybe his behaviour can eventually be changed but what about the interim? What happens while his father is attempting to change him-which isn’t going to happen overnight, if ever.
He needs to live with his mother because there are no younger children there who he can hurt.

momonpurpose · 20/09/2023 00:34

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 23:11

Why do you have to supervise a 17 year old around your 6 year old? What do you mean by that?

I was going to ask the same. He is 17 not a small child. Your little girls safety comes first

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 20/09/2023 00:59

Your child comes first. It might be that you and your DH live separately, but I wouldn’t put my child at risk.

Anotherrname · 20/09/2023 02:51

SpringViolet · 19/09/2023 23:44

Did you all explore why he felt the malice he did to his baby sister to push her over at the time (while he was still a young child himself) and get support to work through it with him?

12 isn't a young child. I had periods and other signs of puberty at that age. I have a brother with a similar age gap and I didn't hurt him. I could understand a toddler pushing a baby but not a high school pupil. The step son definitely needs therapy though what with his mum telling him toxic things eg his dad doesn't love him anymore now that he has a daughter.

autienotnaughty · 20/09/2023 04:25

sadimas · 19/09/2023 23:38

DP tried and tried to rebuild the relationship but it didn't work. It was DSS’s choice not to come here since Christmas and even prior to that he’d stopped coming here often. DP asked if he wanted to go somewhere else but he would say no.

We have to supervise him with DD due to the violence, he was around 12 when he was pushing DD. And when he was last here at Christmas he threw a doll at her, he says it wasn't at her, she just got in his way. But he shouldn't have been throwing anyway. We do love him but I don't want him to be around DD if he's going to be violent.

It's an ongoing process he needs to keep trying.

ImustLearn2Cook · 20/09/2023 04:30

I remember your other thread. I think you and your husband need to get professional advice.

His son is not coping well. It’s hard for a mum on her own to deal with violent aggressive behaviour from a fully grown 17 year old son who would be as strong as a man. He needs his dad right now.

And yes you need to protect your daughter and yourself too.

Get professional help and advice.

momonpurpose · 20/09/2023 04:31

Anotherrname · 20/09/2023 02:51

12 isn't a young child. I had periods and other signs of puberty at that age. I have a brother with a similar age gap and I didn't hurt him. I could understand a toddler pushing a baby but not a high school pupil. The step son definitely needs therapy though what with his mum telling him toxic things eg his dad doesn't love him anymore now that he has a daughter.

Show quote history

Couldn't agree more at 12 that is not in anyway normal. Whether mom told him he didn't love him or not.

Ywudu · 20/09/2023 05:11

So DSS has been abandoned by his father since Christmas, thrown out by his mum, then come to yours to discover he doesn't even have his room any more because you have had a move around. It's not really surprising he's acting up is it, the girls he's messing about with show him more love and affection than he gets from either of his parents.
Your DP needs to step up and be a father to him. It's very obvious you don't like him or his mum, can you stay at your mums while your DP tries to rebuild the relationship?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 05:49

This child has been emotionally abused by his mother for years. Did dad try to get any more time years ago when it all started? If he's shouting at DSS it doesn't sound like he spent the years taking parenting classes either.

This is yet another child failed by poor choices adults have made, who now want to blame the child for those choices.

It's such a shame because 9/10 times the parents throw the child out in favour of the new family unit and we all pay the price with crime, drug use, unemployment and trauma.

The alternative is intensive, very good family therapy, Dad stepping up, not shouting or blaming but parenting properly, keeping the younger child safe even if that means two homes. These weak men seldom choose that course though.

AgentJohnson · 20/09/2023 05:51

Your DP needs to try harder!!! His son is in pain. It’s not his fault he was parentally alienated, it wasn’t his fault that his dad when off and made a baby with someone else and now he’s been kicked out of his home.

DisquietintheRanks · 20/09/2023 05:55

It's time for your dp to parent his son. If you need to separate households for a year or two to do it, so be it but I would maybe give him a few days to settle.

Your dp needs to deal with his son's anger (as in listen to him) not just give up on him.

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