Page 6 | To not want DSS to live here

sadimas · 2023-09-19T21:51:54+00:00

I posted yesterday about my DSS but i'm looking to see if i'm BU on this. Long story short, DSS is 17 at the end of this month, since DP split with his mum she's been trying to turn him against DP(and me). His mum lied and said I was the reason for the split, when DD(now 6) was born she told him DP didn't love him which made him resent her and used to push her when she'd just started walking and we still have to supervise them now. DP and DSS don't really have a relationship and he hadn't been here since Christmas until Sunday when DP's ex messaged him and told him to pick him up as she'd caught him having sex. He has been having sex with different girls for around a year, when DP spoke to him when it started he was told it wasn't any of his business. He came here Sunday and was angry because we swapped the rooms around. I went out with DD and he came back drunk which DP dealt with. DSS was out last night we didn't know where until DP had a message from his ex telling him that he was at her house saying he wanted to go back there and was swearing at her etc. She said if DP didn't pick him up she'd call the police. DP picked him up and he was still the same here. He was shouting at us and threatened DP, he then started ripping his posters up. This all woke up DD. DP was shouting at DSS which was making things worse. I suspect DSS may have taken something but I obviously don't know. He was fine with me all day, he was even fine with DD when she finished school. Until DP got home. DP asked if he wanted to go anywhere, DSS said no and that he never wants to go anywhere with DP which led to then arguing as DP calling him disrespectful. I've taken DD to my mums but we can't stay here. DP says DSS was still the same and said we have to stick by him but he's making it clear he hates us/DP especially. AIBU in not wanting him here?

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 09:38

Fuckingfuming1 · 20/09/2023 09:24

No, they don’t live on their own at all. It doesn’t happen at 17. They can’t sign a rental agreement.
If they’re 17, and they leave for university, they’re surrounded by their peers and support from the university.
If they’re in Work , they’re also in education as per the law that they have to be educated until they’re 18. And again, it would be highly unlikely they’d be living independently at that age, due to not being able to sign a rental agreement.

The boys father, presumably has a job that he needs to go to. And no doubt the OP will require him to spend some time at her house with the little girl.
So actually, he will be alone, won’t he?
And that’s when the mental illness kicks in. And either the taxpayer picks up the pieces at great expense. Or they kill themselves.

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This is genuinely surreal and I don't know where to start with it so I won't.

ThornInMySide84 · 20/09/2023 09:40

@Pollyputhekettleon

Wow, that was low.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 09:40

archimedesconstant · 20/09/2023 09:37

But her DP has TWO biological children who should be equals to him, he has equal responsibility for both of them.

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It's not about his equal responsibility. It's that the rights of the 6 year old to be protected from violence trumps the right of the 17 year old to live with that child.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 09:41

ThornInMySide84 · 20/09/2023 09:40

@Pollyputhekettleon

Wow, that was low.

What was?

archimedesconstant · 20/09/2023 09:44

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 09:00

So you agree that the mother should move out with her DD to protect her from the SS. Great. Meanwhile another poster had a far better idea than pushing DD out of her own home, which was that if they can afford it at all they should get SS his own little flat, where he could have space, hang out with his father alone, get some independence, get away from his DM, his SM and his stepsister, and sleep with girls if he wants to. Everybody would win that way.

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Not really the point of the thread but she’s his sister, not his stepsister, they are blood related and share a biological parent.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 09:47

@Spud90

'Challenging' is being used as a euphemism for threatening him with violence. Those are not the same thing. It's not normal for teenagers to threaten their fathers with violence, which is what I understand OP is saying.

He didn't merely 'knock a toddler over'. That implies it happened once. OP describes it as a repeated behaviour. It's not normal for 12 year olds to repeatedly push toddlers. I shouldn't have to say this.

He didn't 'throw a doll that hit her'. You see how you used the passive voice there? It's true that none of us were there, but I've set out exactly why I think it's reasonable for OP and DH to have concluded that he 'threw a doll at her' deliberately. You've set out no basis whatsoever for disbelieving that.

On the one hand people are saying this boy is completely messed up by his useless parents, hence his behaviour (oh and puberty, because of course...). On the other hand his behaviour is completely normal and no threat to the 6 year old. Pick one.

It's not helpful that OP has been extremely vague and unclear about everything important that's been happening. I can only work from what little she has given us.

ThornInMySide84 · 20/09/2023 09:47

@Pollyputhekettleon

‘Maybe the fact you like to minimize, deny, excuse and justify aggression and violence is why your own teenagers seem to have behaved similarly.’

What a horrible thing to say to someone. My teenage has definitely pushed his siblings at times and has probably done the whole ‘I’m going to throw this ball really close to you but not hit you’ with his younger brother. But I still love him. They are pushing boundaries, struggling to regulate their new bodies and the endless rush or hormones. You support them, you let them know their behaviour was not acceptable, but you don’t reject them.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 09:48

archimedesconstant · 20/09/2023 09:44

Not really the point of the thread but she’s his sister, not his stepsister, they are blood related and share a biological parent.

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Yes I forgot. As you say, I don't think it matters. If they were full siblings, or completely biologically unrelated, the 6 year old's right to be protected would be the same.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 09:51

ThornInMySide84 · 20/09/2023 09:47

@Pollyputhekettleon

‘Maybe the fact you like to minimize, deny, excuse and justify aggression and violence is why your own teenagers seem to have behaved similarly.’

What a horrible thing to say to someone. My teenage has definitely pushed his siblings at times and has probably done the whole ‘I’m going to throw this ball really close to you but not hit you’ with his younger brother. But I still love him. They are pushing boundaries, struggling to regulate their new bodies and the endless rush or hormones. You support them, you let them know their behaviour was not acceptable, but you don’t reject them.

You implied that your children were behaving in the same way as OP's SS. That's obviously why I responded as I did. You see where I said 'seem to have'? Your teenager's behaviour sounds nothing remotely close to that of OP's SS so I don't know why you're comparing him.

And, again, no one is advocating that DH should reject his son.

TinglingTangling · 20/09/2023 10:04

Fuckingfuming1 · 20/09/2023 09:29

And again, it’s interesting that you’re happy for the taxpayer to bear the expense sorting out this young man just because the woman who had a child with a man who already has one has no interest in parenting him.

Phenomenal solution

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The mum can sort out the child she created then. Either way it’s not for the OP to mess up her life, split homes and let her child see the bullshit that’s been created by his mother.

Spambod · 20/09/2023 10:04

archimedesconstant · 20/09/2023 09:37

But her DP has TWO biological children who should be equals to him, he has equal responsibility for both of them.

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Then why prioritize the older son? It seems to be a constant theme on Mumsnet that step mothers need to take responsibility for step children. The fathers and mothers of these children just seem to be able to palm them off on another third parent. The OP has a 6 year old daughter who was attacked by the older child as a toddler, she was then attacked again by him as a 6 year old at christmas time (what a vile thing for him to do). The older child is causing disruption, domestic violence, drinking, drug taking. She should not be exposed to any of this. The older child is not at all suitable to live with the 6 year old and contact should be very limited and very supervised. The OP concern is for her own safety in her home and that of her daughters. The older child has another place to go and two parents to look after him and take responsibility for his considerable problems. No wonder we have such an issue in this country with domestic violence against women and girls. Men are to be given sympathy and understanding. Women and girls are expected to be part of the support team. Mens feelings are not more important than the safety of women and girls. Women and girls can say no.

TinglingTangling · 20/09/2023 10:07

Fuckingfuming1 · 20/09/2023 09:26

Thats the jist yes.

Oh and it doesn’t cost thousands to go through court and seek access to your children. You can self represent. And then it will cost you £250 which if you don’t have, you can seek help towards the costs of.

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yes it does and people who work full time get feck all help.
Not everyone can or wants to self represent when the mother is so vile. They get solicitors involved and they have to do mediation and it goes on and on. So yes it can cost thousands when the mother is a pain in the ass every step of the way.

Pizzanight · 20/09/2023 10:11

TinglingTangling · 20/09/2023 10:07

yes it does and people who work full time get feck all help.
Not everyone can or wants to self represent when the mother is so vile. They get solicitors involved and they have to do mediation and it goes on and on. So yes it can cost thousands when the mother is a pain in the ass every step of the way.

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Mediation costs around £150, there are often schemes to help with the cost even for working people. If you then chose to use a solicitor, yes it can cost a few thousand. It's funny how people say don't be so ridiculous, how could I possibly find that kind of money but own cars which generally cost much more.

TinglingTangling · 20/09/2023 10:28

Pizzanight · 20/09/2023 10:11

Mediation costs around £150, there are often schemes to help with the cost even for working people. If you then chose to use a solicitor, yes it can cost a few thousand. It's funny how people say don't be so ridiculous, how could I possibly find that kind of money but own cars which generally cost much more.

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The probably need the car to get to work and back while the mum sits on her ass at home all day and does jack shit.

Pizzanight · 20/09/2023 10:29

By 'Jack shit' you mean 100% of parenting..

Pizzanight · 20/09/2023 10:32

Sorry to derail but I hate that people can read these comments and believe that crazy women can actually stop a decent parent from being involved in their DC's life.

TinglingTangling · 20/09/2023 10:34

Pizzanight · 20/09/2023 10:32

Sorry to derail but I hate that people can read these comments and believe that crazy women can actually stop a decent parent from being involved in their DC's life.

Edited

You are naive if you don’t think someone can’t stop a parent seeing their child.

TinglingTangling · 20/09/2023 10:35

Pizzanight · 20/09/2023 10:29

By 'Jack shit' you mean 100% of parenting..

That they won’t let the dad be a part of….. so they have no one to blame but themselves.

Oh well.. doesn’t matter though as they get all the dole money.

Pizzanight · 20/09/2023 10:36

Well in your case you've outright said it's more a case of 'can't be arsed'. I have both professional and personal experience in family courts.

SomeCatFromJapan · 20/09/2023 10:45

@Spambod completely agree with you. It seems that safeguarding of small, vulnerable children is suddenly not a priority when there are older male siblings involved, and in particular when it's a blended family situation.

Alargeoneplease89 · 20/09/2023 10:53

I feel sorry for him, he's obviously going through a hard time. I think you both need to support him more, is he staying in education? If so you need to be making him aware of his actions and the negative affects it is going to have on his future if the police gets involved / his behaviour.

Being with someone who has other children isnt a surprise, you've known it for sometime but I don't think its fair when people say DH has to deal with it, you married him and basically if you are entitled to half of everything then children count to and you can't pick and choose.

Yes, DH ultimately is solely responsible but if they have a clash of personalities and you find he's OK with you, why wouldn't you try and make him feel less of a burden.

Lydiala · 20/09/2023 10:55

Then why prioritize the older son?

The older child - who let’s be clear, is only 16 - doesn’t have another place to go because his mother has kicked him out. The younger child has somewhere else to go. She can stay at her maternal grandmother’s.

The older son needs to be prioritised because at this moment in time, his needs are greater. He is clearly suffering from both parents’ rejection of him (actual rejection in the case of his mother; perceived rejection by his father if we believe the OP’s account). He is lashing out and in danger of going completely off the rails.

You’re so concerned about his ‘domestic violence, disruption, drinking, drug taking.’ These are the result of the shitty parenting he has received from both his mother and the OP’s partner. If the OP’s partner doesn’t step in now and try to sort out his son, none of these behaviours are going to stop - he will end up a menace to society. Maybe he won’t be wreaking havoc in the OP’s home, but he certainly will be elsewhere.

Lastchancechica · 20/09/2023 10:58

Lydiala · 20/09/2023 10:55

Then why prioritize the older son?

The older child - who let’s be clear, is only 16 - doesn’t have another place to go because his mother has kicked him out. The younger child has somewhere else to go. She can stay at her maternal grandmother’s.

The older son needs to be prioritised because at this moment in time, his needs are greater. He is clearly suffering from both parents’ rejection of him (actual rejection in the case of his mother; perceived rejection by his father if we believe the OP’s account). He is lashing out and in danger of going completely off the rails.

You’re so concerned about his ‘domestic violence, disruption, drinking, drug taking.’ These are the result of the shitty parenting he has received from both his mother and the OP’s partner. If the OP’s partner doesn’t step in now and try to sort out his son, none of these behaviours are going to stop - he will end up a menace to society. Maybe he won’t be wreaking havoc in the OP’s home, but he certainly will be elsewhere.

Well said

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 11:31

Lydiala · 20/09/2023 10:55

Then why prioritize the older son?

The older child - who let’s be clear, is only 16 - doesn’t have another place to go because his mother has kicked him out. The younger child has somewhere else to go. She can stay at her maternal grandmother’s.

The older son needs to be prioritised because at this moment in time, his needs are greater. He is clearly suffering from both parents’ rejection of him (actual rejection in the case of his mother; perceived rejection by his father if we believe the OP’s account). He is lashing out and in danger of going completely off the rails.

You’re so concerned about his ‘domestic violence, disruption, drinking, drug taking.’ These are the result of the shitty parenting he has received from both his mother and the OP’s partner. If the OP’s partner doesn’t step in now and try to sort out his son, none of these behaviours are going to stop - he will end up a menace to society. Maybe he won’t be wreaking havoc in the OP’s home, but he certainly will be elsewhere.

They can hopefully get him another place to go. It's not particularly fair for the 6 year old girl to be kicked out of her home for who knows how long because the sibling who is violent to her 'needs' to be there more than she does. Let alone because society needs her father to sort out that sibling. Why should she pay a price for his rehabilitation? If they really can't afford a third place, then yes she probably doesn't have a choice about it.

Would the attitude be the same I wonder if people worried that 6 year old girls were likely to grow up being a menace to society if they suffer and witness violence and aggression at home? Of course everyone knows that such girls are more likely to grow up self harming, suffering anxiety or depression, or choosing violent partners. They're much less likely to go around wreaking havoc on strangers, and maybe that's why there's far less concern about the impact that all of this will have on her than there is about the impact on him.

LadyBird1973 · 20/09/2023 11:39

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP and her dh. Parental alienation is a thing - if a resident parent really wants to put the boot in, they can! And a nrp is often powerless to do anything about it.
Sounds like the mum has done a real number on this poor kid and now he's too difficult to handle, she's offloaded him as a problem for dad to handle.
I'd get him into counselling asap, private if affordable because he needs the help