To not want DSS to live here

[sadimas]

I posted yesterday about my DSS but i'm looking to see if i'm BU on this. Long story short, DSS is 17 at the end of this month, since DP split with his mum she's been trying to turn him against DP(and me). His mum lied and said I was the reason for the split, when DD(now 6) was born she told him DP didn't love him which made him resent her and used to push her when she'd just started walking and we still have to supervise them now.

DP and DSS don't really have a relationship and he hadn't been here since Christmas until Sunday when DP's ex messaged him and told him to pick him up as she'd caught him having sex. He has been having sex with different girls for around a year, when DP spoke to him when it started he was told it wasn't any of his business.

He came here Sunday and was angry because we swapped the rooms around. I went out with DD and he came back drunk which DP dealt with.

DSS was out last night we didn't know where until DP had a message from his ex telling him that he was at her house saying he wanted to go back there and was swearing at her etc. She said if DP didn't pick him up she'd call the police. DP picked him up and he was still the same here. He was shouting at us and threatened DP, he then started ripping his posters up. This all woke up DD. DP was shouting at DSS which was making things worse. I suspect DSS may have taken something but I obviously don't know.

He was fine with me all day, he was even fine with DD when she finished school. Until DP got home. DP asked if he wanted to go anywhere, DSS said no and that he never wants to go anywhere with DP which led to then arguing as DP calling him disrespectful. I've taken DD to my mums but we can't stay here. DP says DSS was still the same and said we have to stick by him but he's making it clear he hates us/DP especially.

AIBU in not wanting him here?

Your dp is equally responsible for his ds as his mother, so why would you think it’s okay to not have him living with you, but that mum should be 100% responsible for him? All part and parcel of being with someone who already has children I’m afraid. You just have to deal with the situation, with 50% responsibility at the very least.

And try posting on Stepparents. You might get the sympathy you want from there, being with your own people…..

Your 6 year old is by far the priority here for you and your DP.

The child will have issues as he has not been cared for properly, ofcourse he will have little respect for a father that neglected him in favour of his new family. I doubt you would allow your DD to be parented in the same way. But your DP is the father, and you chose to create a family with a poor parent. DC with behavioural problems is part of the package with your partner, surely you know that? Either support your partner to become a better parent or ask him to leave. But if you ask him to leave be prepared for him to neglect your DD too, when the going gets tough. You can't throw out a child when you live with the person who has PR, they have a legal duty to care for the child.

You got plenty of comments/advice on your previous post - which was the exact same. I assume you've posted again because you didn't get the feedback you were looking for on there.... so, you've framed it slightly different in the hope you get a different response.

You're wasting peoples' time and energy in the hope of getting some support for your unreasonable position. And YABU btw...

He threw a doll at her. I don’t care about him being your dp’s son. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. his mother fucked him up and now that she created a monster, she can’t handle him anymore. Call social serviced and they will find a spot for him. You have to protect your child and yourself. Atleast your DP will have one child that will grow up normally. Thats life.

Both parents caused this!
Op, you have a weak, pathetic husband who has let his son down.
This should have been sorted out years ago before it got to this stage.
It wasn't, so his dad has to start parenting now!

Because his birth mother had psychologically tortured him and alienated him from his father. Just because you give birth to a child doesn’t mean you can torture them like his mother has done.

I would't want him in the house with a little six year old girl there that he needs to be "supervised" around (whatever that means, it sounds disturbing). She has the right to a safe and happy home environment.

He threw a doll once. No that behaviour is not OK but don't be so bloody dramatic.

The answer would be the same whether he's a stepchild or not. A 6 year old should not be forced to share a house with a 17 year old man who's violent towards her and threatens violence against her father. Some of you are allowing the chips on your shoulders about stepparents to obscure the rights of a small child.

Jesus, no wonder these young people are struggling and suicide rates are through the bloody Roof . Imagine chucking a doll. Apparently not at her, but just throwing the doll. And that’s it, you condemned out the door vilified by your family. I hope to goodness I don’t ever meet some of you in real life you’re absolutely disgusting people.

This is not a man, this is a child. A man has the option of getting a job and supporting themselves living independently, a 17 year old does not. You'd genuinely neglect your own teen the moment there is a whiff of bad behaviour?

He threw a doll at the age of 16 at a 6 year old. At the age of 12 he used to push her when she was a baby. In the last couple of days he threatened DP with violence. OP says he still has to be supervised around the 6 year old, and presumably DP is in agreement with that so it's not just her opinion. She hasn't bothered to give much more detail than that. That pattern together is enough for me to say she's probably not overreacting. It's really disturbing to see so many people downplay, minimize, justify and excuse this kind of violence and aggression around a small child.

What is disturbing is seeing so many people say they would disregard their own child when their poor parenting inevitably results in bad behaviour.

I don't know where you've imagined that I've said he should get a job and independently support himself, although of course 17 years olds can and do do that. Do you really not know that?

I also don't know where you got the idea I said that DP should neglect his son.

And, again, 'a whiff of bad behaviour'? Really? It's not really surprising that children are exposed to abuse and domestic violence when adults have these kinds of attitudes towards protecting them. The 6 year old just becomes invisible because she's inconvenient.

The six-year-old has a mother advocating for her and by the sounds of it, a father that’s on board with that. What’s this young man got? Two parents arguing over who shouldn’t have to deal with him.

The six-year-old will be absolutely fine, with her mother somewhere else while all this gets sorted out.

No he did not merely 'chuck a doll'. 6 year olds who are not protected from siblings' violence do often struggle with their mental health, yes. There seems to be almost a subculture of people considering violence and aggression, including against babies and children, to be normal teenage behaviour. When adults are this mentally disturbed it's not surprising that so many children are, both the aggressive ones and their victims.

So you agree that the mother should move out with her DD to protect her from the SS. Great. Meanwhile another poster had a far better idea than pushing DD out of her own home, which was that if they can afford it at all they should get SS his own little flat, where he could have space, hang out with his father alone, get some independence, get away from his DM, his SM and his stepsister, and sleep with girls if he wants to. Everybody would win that way.

My uncle lost both his parents through death when he was 14. He spent a few years rotating around relatives, where he might of chucked a couple of dolls to be honest.

This was back in the day, when you could get a council flat as a single person once she turned 18, so that’s what happened all of the relatives rallied around, and they found him some nice secondhand furniture bought him some bedding, some food, some pots and pans
The first night he was left alone in his flat at 18 he set fire to the place. Initially taken to the psychiatric unit for assessment where he spent a year. Then charged and spent four years in prison. Came out of prison addicted to drugs of course, and has not done a days productive work since, spends all of his life medicated to the eyeballs, except the times when he doesn’t, when he is an actual danger to society and an actual threat to any six-year-old he would come across which he does because he’s in the community due to under funding.
Once the family give up on these young people, the outcome is very poor. I’m sure somebody’s going to site a CEO who was sleeping in the streets as being an example to behold towards all. But there are many many thousands that fall through the net, and this is where it starts.

Realistically if everyone abandoned their teeenagers who had thrown a doll or shoved their siblings, how many of us could, hand on heart, say they’d still have their child at home?

I certainly couldn’t. But the difference is that most parents recognise when their child is going through puberty and in this poor boys case, also feeling very rejected and replaced, they don’t actually have full control over their emotions and do things which they later regret - still love them and actively try and help them.

Oh and he’s 16. He’s turning 17 in a few weeks, he’s not about to be 18. He’s a child and he needs love and support.

@Fuckingfuming1 This isn't your uncle and it's not a question of his father giving up on him. It goes without saying that DH should be doing everything he can to repair the relationship and that the boy needs serious professional help. It's absolutely possible to protect the actual, real, 6 year old currently at risk while also helping the son.

The throwing of the doll suggests repressed anger, I expect a huge fuss was being made of the dd, and dss was again feeling left out, overlooked on Christmas Day. This looks like a pattern even just appraising his behaviour and nothing else.

Op came on here to get a green light to throw him out. Indefinitely I suspect.

Don’t be hysterical, the younger child is not ‘at risk’

The DD needs to be safe in her own home