To not want DSS to live here

[sadimas]

I posted yesterday about my DSS but i'm looking to see if i'm BU on this. Long story short, DSS is 17 at the end of this month, since DP split with his mum she's been trying to turn him against DP(and me). His mum lied and said I was the reason for the split, when DD(now 6) was born she told him DP didn't love him which made him resent her and used to push her when she'd just started walking and we still have to supervise them now.

DP and DSS don't really have a relationship and he hadn't been here since Christmas until Sunday when DP's ex messaged him and told him to pick him up as she'd caught him having sex. He has been having sex with different girls for around a year, when DP spoke to him when it started he was told it wasn't any of his business.

He came here Sunday and was angry because we swapped the rooms around. I went out with DD and he came back drunk which DP dealt with.

DSS was out last night we didn't know where until DP had a message from his ex telling him that he was at her house saying he wanted to go back there and was swearing at her etc. She said if DP didn't pick him up she'd call the police. DP picked him up and he was still the same here. He was shouting at us and threatened DP, he then started ripping his posters up. This all woke up DD. DP was shouting at DSS which was making things worse. I suspect DSS may have taken something but I obviously don't know.

He was fine with me all day, he was even fine with DD when she finished school. Until DP got home. DP asked if he wanted to go anywhere, DSS said no and that he never wants to go anywhere with DP which led to then arguing as DP calling him disrespectful. I've taken DD to my mums but we can't stay here. DP says DSS was still the same and said we have to stick by him but he's making it clear he hates us/DP especially.

AIBU in not wanting him here?

Put yourself in the teenagers shoes. Not only are they all over the place anyhow also stuck in a horrendous situation between parents. This needs a lot of talking and calming and understanding tbh

Whose house is it, OP?

Interestingly there is another thread on here by a poster whose autistic 20 year old son has moved back home and wants his bedroom back, only there is a 16 year old stepson who had previously been sharing a bedroom with his 12 year old half sister since he moved in 4 years ago.

On that thread most of the posters were saying that the 20 year old should have his bedroom back and that the OP should send the stepson to live with his mother or that the DP and the stepson should both move out and that the OP should never have let the stepson move in with them in the first place. On this thread you're being told that of course you should let him move in.

Seems like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

It’s tricky parenting any teen, and it’s going to be much more difficult if there isn’t a solid parental relationship there.
Does he go to college? Just wondering if he could get some support from there?

I'd say him staying is dependent on DSS and you partner doing family counselling.

Their relationship has broken down and needs resetting.

I would split up and refuse your DH overnight stays while son is in the house

Would you abandon your dd when she gets to 17 and struggling? Or will you expect dh to step up and stand by her?

The poor kid feels rejected, abandoned and has nowhere to turn. You are making this worse by being so melodramatic.

The last case of him bring ‘violent’ was when he was 12 - 5 years ago. You are behaving like he is a monster, and please don’t pretend you love him. If you did, you would be more concerned about why he is acting like this, not how you will get rid of him. You had no right to change his room without speaking to him first. Poor kid.

This sums up the situation perfectly.

This is hard as the kids is not wanted at either home. His behaviour can be attributed to the breakdown of his family and parent alienation. Plus dad not really making much effort to make things better, and just accepting not seeing him for 9 months. He’s having sex with multiple women as he’s probably craving attention.

He obviously wants to live at home with his mum, which I assume has been his primary home. Your DH needs to speak to him about how he’s been disrespecting his mum and her home and if he wants to go home he’s going to have to apologise to his mum and agree to house rules. He will need to speak to his ex too to try and see if she will allow him home. This would be the best option as he’s clearly not comfortable in your home.

Normally on mumsnet people will say the child who lives there 100% of the time should get the bigger bedroom so I don’t blame you for swapping around when he’s not actually coming over. Of course to him this is another slap in the face and he’s probably feeling really rejected right now. This is the consequences of parent alienation and fathers not being interested. Both parents have a part to play in this and both need to work together and put any past anger to one side to resolve this now

You need to treat him as you would your own child. Would you throw out your own child? There’s your answer. By all means get help from the GP with counselling (do it quick before he’s 18) but he’s probably testing you both to see if you’ll do what him mum did.

edit to add - your DP should absolutely be taking on the work around it though and should be taking the lead on trying to support him. But you should be supportive.

I think firstly it is important to keep your 6 year old safe, and not being exposed to violent behaviour which could be damaging to her long term.
But SS needs help and his parents need help on how to deal with his behaviour.
and even if he was your bio child you cousin have him being violent around your 6 year old.
so I agree to family therapy or so.
could DH reach out to his G.P. and explain the situation? They could refer on to services which could advice/support/help with the situation?

This is what happens when parents fuck with their kids.

It sounds like both the mum and your husband haven't treated him well. They've both used him as pawns and your husband is now an absent father.

Poor boy. Of course he doesn't like his dad, he's never fought for him. When he should have been fighting for him, he was off having a new family.

Instead of chucking him out and washing your hands of him, you should both be persevering.and welcoming him in. He's playing up because he wants love and feels rejected. It won't change overnight but he deserves his dad's love.

If hes violent around the yoùngest child, I'd actually get social services involved. Asked them if he could go into care. Sounds like nothings working at mums or at dad's. My brother was the same, he was violent and out of control, he went into care because of hurting his youngest sibling. When he reached 18, he moved back.home. it wasn't good, but he had calmed down alot.

The adults here are acting like immature brats so no wonder he is too

Christ. We've got everything on this thread from "you're a terrible evil person for even considering not letting him move in" to "separate from your partner and break up your daughter's family so this boy and his father who he doesn't like can live alone together" to "call social services and have him put into care".

The grown ups in this situation really need to sort their shit out.

Your partner needs to talk to his ex and they need to try and come up with a joint plan.

A 17 year old having sex doesn't seem like a good enough reason to throw them out IMO. I think the best solution if possible would be for him to stay with his mother but start spending at least every other weekend with his father and for you all to play a more active role in parenting him.

Seen this post before, why are you posting again?

When you choose a man with children from a previous marriage you have to accept that they have every right to live with their father I'm afraid. Whether you like it or not. That boy has been through a lot, the break up of his family.

Do you have any idea what care looks like for the over 10’s ? He will be on the streets within weeks, into crime and on a downward spiral

I wouldn’t have him in your home around your poor DD.
The mum caused all this, she can sort it all. Maybe if she wasn’t such a bitch in the past and alienated her son from his dad it might not be this bad now.

I’d be telling your DH he can sort it out somewhere else and let his mum call the police next time.

Yeah, he's a child, you decided to have a relationship with his parent, you can't ask your dh to reject his dc.

If you wouldn't throw out your own dd for pitching a tantrum you shouldn't throw out your step dc.

Some of his behaviour links to the emotional harm he's suffered.

He's not 'pitching a tantrum'. He attacked a baby at the age of 12, threw a doll at her at 16, and continues to required supervision around her now, he's threatened his father with violence. OP hasn't yet answered any more questions about the violence. But those are not tantrums, those are not normal behaviour. Why are people so determined to minimize this boy's behaviour and the impact of it on a small child who's not to blame in any of this? The impact on her is the same regardless of the cause.

Well, it sounds as though you’ve all made mistakes somewhere along the way and his upbringing has been tainted by his parents not managing to work together . How much of the blame rests on each adult is kind of irrelevant now as you have a ‘today problem’. It’s not uncommon for teens to go through a phase of being extremely challenging and aggressive and then coming out the other side as really nice young adults so you mustn’t give up on him. Your DD deserves to be safe in her own home though. I don’t think you can keep them together for the foreseeable. How are you financially? Because if you can afford to throw money at this I’d rent a small apartment nearby, with Dad half living there and use it to give DSS a stable, quiet home. Let them spend quality time eating pizzas , gaming and building the relationship up without you and DD. Also let him enjoy the freedom of his GF visiting in private on the condition that he’s at school/ college/ working part time during the week. The objective now is to allow him room to grow as he’s on the cusp of adulthood and needs showing how to do it. If he’s getting the privileges of a calm, quiet home in return for simply living a decent lifestyle he should fall into a happier frame of mind . Ditch the archaeology, there’s no need to try and force a relationship, to dwell on his childhood, dig up old conversations and arguments etc. Just open a new chapter and see where you are in two years.

This. I hope you have money, or can find the money, to throw at this problem. He needs a third space that's both his own and a place to spend time with just his dad.

Your poor DSS needs help, can you look at getting counselling for him and then family therapy for you all

YANBU to not want him in your house s
round your dd.
i guarantee 95 percent of the people who read this wouldn’t want this if it was really happening to them. Who wants a violent teen isn’t their house ?????? ! I’m a step parent and just because your a step parent you will be told you need to put the child first and painted as unreasonable !!!!!!!
Who would want a violent 17 year old who is rude and stressful and treats their partner and child like crap to come into their space safe ????
you might have to put up with it but it’s today reasonable to not want it ! Hugs op

Social services won't put a 17 year old into care. They may be able to put him into supported accomodation but those facilities tend to be few and far between.

In a previous job I had an argument with social services about a 17 year old who was sleeping rough because his alcoholic father was violent and abusive to him. Their answer to me was "He's almost 18" He was 17 years and 7 months and particularly vulnerable because he was very small for his age and looked no more than 14.