To not want DSS to live here

[sadimas]

I posted yesterday about my DSS but i'm looking to see if i'm BU on this. Long story short, DSS is 17 at the end of this month, since DP split with his mum she's been trying to turn him against DP(and me). His mum lied and said I was the reason for the split, when DD(now 6) was born she told him DP didn't love him which made him resent her and used to push her when she'd just started walking and we still have to supervise them now.

DP and DSS don't really have a relationship and he hadn't been here since Christmas until Sunday when DP's ex messaged him and told him to pick him up as she'd caught him having sex. He has been having sex with different girls for around a year, when DP spoke to him when it started he was told it wasn't any of his business.

He came here Sunday and was angry because we swapped the rooms around. I went out with DD and he came back drunk which DP dealt with.

DSS was out last night we didn't know where until DP had a message from his ex telling him that he was at her house saying he wanted to go back there and was swearing at her etc. She said if DP didn't pick him up she'd call the police. DP picked him up and he was still the same here. He was shouting at us and threatened DP, he then started ripping his posters up. This all woke up DD. DP was shouting at DSS which was making things worse. I suspect DSS may have taken something but I obviously don't know.

He was fine with me all day, he was even fine with DD when she finished school. Until DP got home. DP asked if he wanted to go anywhere, DSS said no and that he never wants to go anywhere with DP which led to then arguing as DP calling him disrespectful. I've taken DD to my mums but we can't stay here. DP says DSS was still the same and said we have to stick by him but he's making it clear he hates us/DP especially.

AIBU in not wanting him here?

He is far too young to live alone.

It doesn’t matter if it’s once. It’s disgusting behaviour and he should know better.

I wouldn’t have any of my step kids here full time and especially not in these circumstances. They can’t call the shots and you should have to deal with it. Especially when you have other kids.

it would be a firm no from me.

He was 12 years old, and he pushed a baby, more than once. Do you even notice how you minimized that to 'shoved a sibling'? This is not a 2 year old whacking a 1 year old, or two siblings close in age fighting.

He wasn't merely 'a teenager' when he threw the doll - which, by the way, belonged to the 6 year old, not to him. He wasn't 13, he was 16 years old. And you don't know that he merely 'threw a doll'. OP believes he was deliberately throwing it at a 6 year old. We know that her DH agrees that the 17 year old has had to be supervised around the child throughout her life, so this isn't just OP overreacting so I suspect in the rest of the context here she's correct.

You've also left out the fact that he's now apparently threatened his father with violence.

He's 17 in about two weeks. This is not 'going through puberty' for christ's sakes. Maybe the fact you like to minimize, deny, excuse and justify aggression and violence is why your own teenagers seem to have behaved similarly.

This is why blended families just don’t work.
The only solution now is for dh to rent a flat and live there with his son, finally stepping up for this child. You can’t leave him alone in a flat at this age. His father needs to be a parent and take care of his struggling son, or op moves in with her mother for a year or two.

You shouldn't have step children if you're not willing to live with them full time. What if something happens to their DM?

This is so strange. Do you know that some people go off to university, get jobs, leave home at 17 and live alone? Always have? Others may live with housemates but that's not necessarily easier, especially for this one. Also, he wouldn't really be alone. DH should be there with him as much as he wants/needs him to be. I'm assuming from the sound of the boy that he'd quite like to get away from all these adults who are clearly terrible at parenting, and from his SM who he blames for breaking up his family.

That’s a stupid solution. Why should the DP split up his family and have the financial burden for something his mother created. Maybe if she wasn’t such a fucking idiot and stopped him seeing his son then this wouldn’t be happening. She can carry on raising him and putting up with him. She’s got what she wanted.

Entirely different circumstances but their mum has already forbid that !

it’s not what I signed up for, everyone in my circumstances knows this and is ok with this.

I certainly wouldn’t even entertain the idea in the OPs post.

Protect your child. Kick him out.

I wouldn’t have my step kids here full time either. I didn’t sign up for them living here full time but it’s a bit different if the Mum died then they would have too. The above situation is completely
different to a dead mum!

Mothers do not have the power to forbid fathers from having a relationship with their DC, unless the man is a danger to the child. You go to court and get access.

I'd move out

Because that doesn’t cost thousands upon thousands for some.

So this is why everyone suggests posting in step parenting, because there are oodles of women there who marry parents with the full intention of not taking on a step child, nice.

No, they don’t live on their own at all. It doesn’t happen at 17. They can’t sign a rental agreement.
If they’re 17, and they leave for university, they’re surrounded by their peers and support from the university.
If they’re in Work , they’re also in education as per the law that they have to be educated until they’re 18. And again, it would be highly unlikely they’d be living independently at that age, due to not being able to sign a rental agreement.

The boys father, presumably has a job that he needs to go to. And no doubt the OP will require him to spend some time at her house with the little girl.
So actually, he will be alone, won’t he?
And that’s when the mental illness kicks in. And either the taxpayer picks up the pieces at great expense. Or they kill themselves.

They can go into supported accommodation for troubled kids and get help that way.

Thats the jist yes.

Oh and it doesn’t cost thousands to go through court and seek access to your children. You can self represent. And then it will cost you £250 which if you don’t have, you can seek help towards the costs of.

Amazing, how many of those units do you think are available? And do we think throwing a doll constitutes being a troubled kid? I can assure you barrier to entry for those kinds of supported accommodation units which are basically university for criminals are very high.

And how will that address the child’s emotional needs? Both dh and op have a moral duty to parent and take care of the child.

And again, it’s interesting that you’re happy for the taxpayer to bear the expense sorting out this young man just because the woman who had a child with a man who already has one has no interest in parenting him.

Phenomenal solution

Throwing a doll, getting drunk and having sex is normal teenage behaviour. It suits op to overact.

He’s not the first teenage boy to challenge his father during an argument and he certainly won’t be the last. It’s not uncommon and doesn’t mean he is a dangerous individual. I think if worse things have happened than he knocked a toddler over and threw a doll that hit her then the OP would have mentioned it to get the response she is obviously seeking.

You're deliberately overlooking large parts of his behaviour. And no one other than his DM is taking issue with him having sex.

But her DP has TWO biological children who should be equals to him, he has equal responsibility for both of them.