Page 9 | In love with friend’s DH

kerrypacker · 2023-09-19T21:16:04+00:00

Not really an AIBU (as I am BU, obviously - but not intentionally so!) Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced this, and if so how on earth did you handle it?! Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH, which means I have over time got to know friend’s DH (FDH) better. To my horror as I get to know him better I’ve started to feel like this is someone I could really deeply fall for - everything I’ve ever looked for. Not something I would *ever* act on, and friend and FDH are very happy so it would make no difference if I did. I’m trying to keep this brief, but it’s horribly upsetting. It’s not a situation I’ve looked for at all, and I’m not someone who typically falls for or goes after people in relationships. I’m also not talking about shallow feelings - they are powerful and I’m really struggling to get over this man. There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody.

Plusque · 20/09/2023 18:00

Defiantjazz · 20/09/2023 17:57

It's what the OP is experiencing. It's a mental health issue, where you 'fall in love' with an unobtainable person as a way to deflect from childhood or other trauma

That’s a bit of a stretch. I dunno why everyone has to be traumatised these days. Its just infatuation.

Or she’s just fallen for someone perfectly nice who isn’t free?

Defiantjazz · 20/09/2023 18:05

Don’t be so naive, you think given a chance she wouldn’t

🙄

GLORIAGloriarse · 20/09/2023 18:10

Are you actively dating/ wanting to meet someone? I would suggest cracking on with that if you want to. I had a couple of crushes in quick succession and meeting someone suitable shifted them pretty thoroughly. Took some time though.

It will pass but in the meantime watch what you drink around DF, DFH and any mutual pals. You don't want to be getting loose lipped and spoiling a valued friendship. Worse still, making a pass. Keep that in mind if out for drinks.

Downandoutmummy · 20/09/2023 19:40

I really feel for you. I would suggest trying to look for things outside of your friendship, hobbies etc but I promise you your friend will soon be running to you with bad tales about him! She’ll confide in you about his good and his not so good side and you’ll realise he’s human and that’s that. I hope it subsides for you

MysteryBelle · 20/09/2023 19:59

Ah contraire, the reason you posted is so you can gush about your crush on your friend’s husband. It is bursting out of you, we all know it. You can’t talk to anyone about it in real life (because they’d rightly think less of you) so you do it here.

I hope your friend gets an inkling soon so that she can ceremoniously dump you in a grand fashion with spectators and the whole bit.

You have zero ethics.

You’re not in love, ridiculous.

You are not a friend to this woman. You are her frenemy/enemy.

M4J4 · 20/09/2023 20:25

MysteryBelle · 20/09/2023 19:59

Ah contraire, the reason you posted is so you can gush about your crush on your friend’s husband. It is bursting out of you, we all know it. You can’t talk to anyone about it in real life (because they’d rightly think less of you) so you do it here.

I hope your friend gets an inkling soon so that she can ceremoniously dump you in a grand fashion with spectators and the whole bit.

You have zero ethics.

You’re not in love, ridiculous.

You are not a friend to this woman. You are her frenemy/enemy.

This is very unfair and mean. OP hasn't gushed about him all. Can you quote a single gushy thing she has said about him.

She has said she finds the situation 'horrible' and 'shitty'.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 20/09/2023 20:47

I know at least one person who had a crush on my husband. I didn't care, he was lovely, good choice! As long as no-one was flirting in front of me or excluding me, it was all good. No need for drama at all.

Notthisagainpart2 · 20/09/2023 21:38

How well do you know him? How much time have you spent with him, alone or with your friend?

I would think it is a crush rather than love
as it takes something for love to develop and you should have nipped it in the bud before if that's the case.

MysteryBelle · 20/09/2023 21:39

M4J4 · 20/09/2023 20:25

This is very unfair and mean. OP hasn't gushed about him all. Can you quote a single gushy thing she has said about him.

She has said she finds the situation 'horrible' and 'shitty'.

Show quote history

What’s unfair and mean is lusting after your friend’s husband, claiming you’re falling for him, he’s everything you’ve ever looked for, very intense, powerful,

that’s gushing.

If the friend knew the op had posted this, was lusting after her husband, there wouldn’t be a friendship anymore.

It is totally mean, unfair, repugnant to be acting foolish like this op is. She is not a friend, she’s mean sly enemy.

Chantiere · 20/09/2023 21:44

I'm going through something similar but not the exact same thing.
There's a guy in work I've v strong feelings for too - these feelings hit me like a brick across the head many months ago when a colleague was taking about him. Something clicked with me that he is exavtly the type of guy I'd like to marry. He is married with children and I suspect he has feelings for me too. He goes out of his way every day to bump into me when I'm in the office, we both blush when we chat etc.

How I'm dealing with it is I'm staying at my desk so that we stop bumping into each other. Its hard but those strong feelings are passing a little when I'm not seeing him as much.
I've also aknowledged to myself that I'm lonely. Even admitting that to myself makes me have empathy for my feelings. I'm trying to take the positive by using the qualities I admire in him, as something to look for on dates... and I'm forcing myself to date.
And honestly I've also prepared myself that he might make a pass at me.... and my prepared response is 'ring me when you are single'. All of the above helps.

Could you meet your friend when he's not there i.e. at a coffee shop / walk in park / not f2f for a few months? Could you use his qualities as something you could look for in a future partner? Could you force yourself to go dating?

Hope that helps xxx.

M4J4 · 20/09/2023 21:45

@MysteryBelle

You're still misrepresenting the OP.

She never said she lusts after him.

She said this is someone she could fall, not that she is falling for him.

She never said she has intense feelings for him.

She said she's struggling and is finding this horribly upsetting and she has already decided to withdraw from her friendship with her friend.

Please stop the bullying, the OP is clearly feeling vulnerable.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 20/09/2023 21:51

@MysteryBelle · Today 19:59

Ah contraire, the reason you posted is so you can gush about your crush on your friend’s husband. It is bursting out of you, we all know it. You can’t talk to anyone about it in real life (because they’d rightly think less of you) so you do it here.

I hope your friend gets an inkling soon so that she can ceremoniously dump you in a grand fashion with spectators and the whole bit.

You have zero ethics.

You’re not in love, ridiculous.

You are not a friend to this woman. You are her frenemy/enemy.

100% this. The OP is not a naive little teenage girl. She knows what she's doing. OP is 'vulnerable?!!' PMSL! 😂 Don't make me laugh!

And telling it like it is, is not bullying. Get a grip @M4J4

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 20/09/2023 21:53

angeltulips · 20/09/2023 15:16

And yet if OP was posting about a new relationship plenty of posters would be coming on to tell her that “when you know you know” and that they moved in after three dates with their now DH of 30 years. It’s trite to say you can’t be in love with someone unless you’re married to them.

PPs have nailed it - it doesn’t matter what the feeling is, the point is that it’s causing you distress. In this case the only solution is to step away. It doesn’t have to binary / no contact / break the relationship with his wife. Just be busy for a bit, live your own life, and wait for it all to subside.

@angeltulips

NO-ONE moves in with anyone after 3 dates FFS.

And the posters (incl me) are absolutely correct when they say the OP doesn't KNOW this man. Observing him from the outside of a marriage is NOT knowing him. You sounds a bad as the OP tbh. Do you go mooning over other womens husbands too? 🙄

Also, I have never seen posters rush onto threads where someone is feeling strongly for a man they are dating (and have not been with for long,) saying 'when you know you know.. so just move in with him even though you've only seen him 3 times.' PMSL no-one has ever said that!

Also, note I said 'the poster feels strongly for a man she is newly dating' - NOT her 'friend's fucking husband!

M4J4 · 20/09/2023 21:55

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 20/09/2023 21:51

@MysteryBelle · Today 19:59

Ah contraire, the reason you posted is so you can gush about your crush on your friend’s husband. It is bursting out of you, we all know it. You can’t talk to anyone about it in real life (because they’d rightly think less of you) so you do it here.

I hope your friend gets an inkling soon so that she can ceremoniously dump you in a grand fashion with spectators and the whole bit.

You have zero ethics.

You’re not in love, ridiculous.

You are not a friend to this woman. You are her frenemy/enemy.

100% this. The OP is not a naive little teenage girl. She knows what she's doing. OP is 'vulnerable?!!' PMSL! 😂 Don't make me laugh!

And telling it like it is, is not bullying. Get a grip @M4J4

Calling someone 'mean, unfair, repugnant' and a 'mean sly enemy' is absolutely bullying.

Defiantjazz · 20/09/2023 23:05

What’s unfair and mean is lusting after your friend’s husband, claiming you’re falling for him, he’s everything you’ve ever looked for, very intense, powerful,

that’s gushing.

If the friend knew the op had posted this, was lusting after her husband, there wouldn’t be a friendship anymore.

It is totally mean, unfair, repugnant to be acting foolish like this op is. She is not a friend, she’s mean sly enemy.

Oh grow up

angeltulips · 21/09/2023 06:51

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 20/09/2023 21:53

@angeltulips

NO-ONE moves in with anyone after 3 dates FFS.

And the posters (incl me) are absolutely correct when they say the OP doesn't KNOW this man. Observing him from the outside of a marriage is NOT knowing him. You sounds a bad as the OP tbh. Do you go mooning over other womens husbands too? 🙄

Also, I have never seen posters rush onto threads where someone is feeling strongly for a man they are dating (and have not been with for long,) saying 'when you know you know.. so just move in with him even though you've only seen him 3 times.' PMSL no-one has ever said that!

Also, note I said 'the poster feels strongly for a man she is newly dating' - NOT her 'friend's fucking husband!

Show quote history

You see threads on here the whole time about people
fallling in love & moving in together quickly. PMSL indeed.

Of course in this case - which OP knows - this is not a situation that will or should go anywhere. But she’s allowed to feel what she feels and being scornful and patronising is v unlikely to help her.

SmileyClare · 21/09/2023 08:01

I don’t think it’s helpful to play into op’s narrative is it?
We could all say “ Of course you’re heartbroken- you’re deeply in love, he could have been your soul mate but fate is so cruel!”

It’s probably more helpful to say “Give yourself a shake op- this infatuation isn’t healthy - consider why you’re consumed by the fantasy of something you can’t have.”
Address what is lacking in your life, take steps to change your mind set. Stop thinking “if only..If only I could have this man, my life would be X or Y”

Try to keep perspective on what you’re feeling instead of blowing it up into a catastrophic drama that’s taken over your life.

Maybe your friend and her dh are aware you have a thing for him? Maybe they joke about how you go all doe eyed when you talk to him? <cringe>

It’s not that unusual to fancy an unavailable bloke, especially if he’s a nice guy with charisma and charm. It’s human nature but most people recognise that and don’t act on it.

For whatever reason you’re unable to handle your feelings- you’re almost wallowing in the angst and seeking out women on here who are suffering like you.

You’re viewing yourself as a wounded victim of your feelings rather than trying to rationalise them.

SensibleSue · 21/09/2023 08:02

I am desperately sorry for you you come on here trusting us all with your raw emotions and bring disrespected! It may or may not be a 'crush' but your feelings are very valid real and painful. You are also dealing with it all in a very mature way. I really hope you meet someone soon who is single and appreciates you for the lovely loyal person you are xxx

SmileyClare · 21/09/2023 08:27

your feelings are very valid, real and painful

Do you think telling op this is “real love” is helping? Agreeing that she’s in terrible pain?
I mean I’m sympathetic to a degree- it must feel a bit awkward to have the hots for your friends husband, a bit depressing even to see your friend so happy in her newly wed bubble.

Anything beyond that is total drama and teenage angst over a fantasy relationship.
It’s possible to choose how much this consumes your life.

Janieforever · 21/09/2023 09:56

SmileyClare · 21/09/2023 08:27

your feelings are very valid, real and painful

Do you think telling op this is “real love” is helping? Agreeing that she’s in terrible pain?
I mean I’m sympathetic to a degree- it must feel a bit awkward to have the hots for your friends husband, a bit depressing even to see your friend so happy in her newly wed bubble.

Anything beyond that is total drama and teenage angst over a fantasy relationship.
It’s possible to choose how much this consumes your life.

100 percent. Encouraging rhe op is grim. This is a woman she calls friends husband. A woman who trusts her. She’s sitting there watching them and behind her eyes consumed by jealousy on what her friend has and wanting it herself, she’s indulging herself in this fantasy, that’s what’s shitty.

she needs to break contact with them, move on and hopefully finds someone for herself and stops coveting her friends lives.

ThisHumanBean · 21/09/2023 10:02

MysteryBelle · 20/09/2023 19:59

Ah contraire, the reason you posted is so you can gush about your crush on your friend’s husband. It is bursting out of you, we all know it. You can’t talk to anyone about it in real life (because they’d rightly think less of you) so you do it here.

I hope your friend gets an inkling soon so that she can ceremoniously dump you in a grand fashion with spectators and the whole bit.

You have zero ethics.

You’re not in love, ridiculous.

You are not a friend to this woman. You are her frenemy/enemy.

Thats a nasty uncalled for post. I would have the OP as my friend before you any day.

ThisHumanBean · 21/09/2023 10:07

Janieforever · 21/09/2023 09:56

100 percent. Encouraging rhe op is grim. This is a woman she calls friends husband. A woman who trusts her. She’s sitting there watching them and behind her eyes consumed by jealousy on what her friend has and wanting it herself, she’s indulging herself in this fantasy, that’s what’s shitty.

she needs to break contact with them, move on and hopefully finds someone for herself and stops coveting her friends lives.

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Your post is so over the top.

We are allowed to have crushes on other peoples husbands, its what you do with that that matters. OP has so far done nothing to breach her friends trust. She is venting her overwhelming feelings here, in a safe space. And shes getting good advice on how to manage those feelings and not act on them.

Are you always so dramatic?

Janieforever · 21/09/2023 10:46

ThisHumanBean · 21/09/2023 10:07

Your post is so over the top.

We are allowed to have crushes on other peoples husbands, its what you do with that that matters. OP has so far done nothing to breach her friends trust. She is venting her overwhelming feelings here, in a safe space. And shes getting good advice on how to manage those feelings and not act on them.

Are you always so dramatic?

Show quote history

Are you? Let’s just agree our moral standards differ. Greatly. You continue to believe it’s ok to fantasise about your friends husbands. And I will continue to disagree.

Defiantjazz · 21/09/2023 10:53

100 percent. Encouraging rhe op is grim. This is a woman she calls friends husband. A woman who trusts her. She’s sitting there watching them and behind her eyes consumed by jealousy on what her friend has and wanting it herself, she’s indulging herself in this fantasy, that’s what’s shitty.

she needs to break contact with them, move on and hopefully finds someone for herself and stops coveting her friends lives.

Have you actually read the OP?

BardRelic · 21/09/2023 10:56

I'm pretty sure a mutual friend of mine and my DP's has a bit of a crush on him. She might even fantasize about shagging him. I can't say I care. She's not acting on it and he's a lovely, fanciable bloke, so I don't blame her.

If she did act on it, that would be a major problem. Sitting there thinking he's cute, not so much.