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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In love with friend’s DH

300 replies

kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 22:16

Not really an AIBU (as I am BU, obviously - but not intentionally so!) Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced this, and if so how on earth did you handle it?! Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH, which means I have over time got to know friend’s DH (FDH) better. To my horror as I get to know him better I’ve started to feel like this is someone I could really deeply fall for - everything I’ve ever looked for. Not something I would ever act on, and friend and FDH are very happy so it would make no difference if I did.

I’m trying to keep this brief, but it’s horribly upsetting. It’s not a situation I’ve looked for at all, and I’m not someone who typically falls for or goes after people in relationships. I’m also not talking about shallow feelings - they are powerful and I’m really struggling to get over this man.

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody.

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 19/09/2023 23:09

I wonder if your issue is actually with your friend (the wife).

I had a best friend from uni and she was always falling in love with my BFs. Three different ones including my now dh. The men themselves told me how uncomfortable it made them. It was like she was trying to outshine me. She kept putting me down in front of them.

We aren't friends any more (she very abruptly dropped me just before our two weddings). It's such a relief looking back, it wasn't an easy friendship.

Maybe subconsciously you're trying to compete with your friend. If so... don't do that.

WitcheryDivine · 19/09/2023 23:11

Well you can’t have him so use this in your favour - enumerate the things about him you really want in a partner and try to find someone of your own. Do you live close by? Can’t you see her without him?

PurpleRadish · 19/09/2023 23:12

I'm sorry. This hasn't really happened to me. But it sounds really hard. Perhaps try not to put him on a pedestal? I hope you meet someone who is an even better match for you in the near future xx

Original poster
kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 23:13

Mummy08m · 19/09/2023 23:09

I wonder if your issue is actually with your friend (the wife).

I had a best friend from uni and she was always falling in love with my BFs. Three different ones including my now dh. The men themselves told me how uncomfortable it made them. It was like she was trying to outshine me. She kept putting me down in front of them.

We aren't friends any more (she very abruptly dropped me just before our two weddings). It's such a relief looking back, it wasn't an easy friendship.

Maybe subconsciously you're trying to compete with your friend. If so... don't do that.

I can see how that could be the case in some friendships, but no, I’m sure it’s not about that for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 23:13

PurpleRadish · 19/09/2023 23:12

I'm sorry. This hasn't really happened to me. But it sounds really hard. Perhaps try not to put him on a pedestal? I hope you meet someone who is an even better match for you in the near future xx

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 19/09/2023 23:16

kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 23:05

No. I started a thread to talk about the situation.

Is unrequited love really that unfamiliar a concept?

You’ve clearly never been in this situation, and I’m happy for you, and I hope you never are.

Show quote history

But this isn't unrequited love?

You fancy someone who is already with someone else.

You're starting a thread to talk about 'the situation,' yes, but this is what's commonly called 'mentionitis'. When you have a crush, you find reasons to talk about someone.

Everyone who's been a teenager has been in this situation, surely?

SkaneTos · 19/09/2023 23:21

I was once in love with a friend who is married.
The only thing that worked was to put distance between us.
I am no longer in love with him, but it took a while to get to this point.

I'm sure you can hang out with your friend without her husband?

Finlesswonder · 19/09/2023 23:23

If she's only a uni friend you see every so often then I'd say he's fair game.

JK! 🤣

You probably do love him because he's probably great. Unfortunately he is taken. You need to find someone you can shag and become obsessed with for 2 or 3 months to cure you

Tonight1 · 19/09/2023 23:26

Finlesswonder · 19/09/2023 23:23

If she's only a uni friend you see every so often then I'd say he's fair game.

JK! 🤣

You probably do love him because he's probably great. Unfortunately he is taken. You need to find someone you can shag and become obsessed with for 2 or 3 months to cure you

God I thought you were serious for a second!!

OP sounds like friend and him are in love, keep busy and try to engage with other men.

ehupo7 · 19/09/2023 23:27

Finlesswonder · 19/09/2023 23:23

If she's only a uni friend you see every so often then I'd say he's fair game.

JK! 🤣

You probably do love him because he's probably great. Unfortunately he is taken. You need to find someone you can shag and become obsessed with for 2 or 3 months to cure you

🙌🙌🙌

wheresmymojo · 19/09/2023 23:29

What was your childhood like?

What was your relationship with your parents like when you were a child?

Have you read anything about attachment styles?

StolenCookie · 19/09/2023 23:29

I think some of the replies have been rather harsh towards you - devaluing your feelings for this person and just saying that you ‘fancy’ him - clearly it’s more than that else you wouldn’t be so troubled by it! Feelings are what they are - perhaps this man really is wonderful and it’s a sad fact that he is with another person. Try to be gentle with yourself. There’s nothing wrong with any feeling, only behaviour, and you’ve stated quite clearly that you would not act on it and have no notion that this man would ever return your feelings. I do somewhat agree that no contact (with the man! I think you could surely maintain a friendship with the woman as you could see her without him?) may be best, if only to allow you some distance and perspective and opportunity to meet other people.

I also think that when we develop such intense feelings in such undesirable circumstances there’s often some meaning in it. We can often fall the most deeply for unavailable people as we never need to face what might be a fear of commitment, for example.

I hope with time these feelings will simmer down and won’t feel like such a weight on you.

momonpurpose · 19/09/2023 23:32

RobertaFirmino · 19/09/2023 22:58

You need to change your mindset immediately.

You are not 'in love' with this man. How could you be? You don't know him intimately. You haven't been in any potential 'ick' situations with him. You are in love with the idea of him. He displays qualities you would like in your own partner.

FWIW, I say good on you for starting a thread. You know these feelings are wrong and you want to snap out of it.

This totally. Go as as NC as you can. Either of them catching on would be humiliating. Don't let it get to that point. Best of luck to you

AnaMelonBanana · 19/09/2023 23:36

Name changed for this.
I feel your pain OP and had this myself - difference being they weren’t happy, and still aren’t years later and it’s horrible to watch.
I dealt with it by actively avoiding situations where I’d see him (tricky as we used to hang out as couples) and just remained close to her. Moved away eventually too - not because of that, but I can’t hand on heart say it didn’t play a small part. It kinda died down eventually but I know it’s because it’s ‘out of sight out of mind’ to some degree. Was the only way though, especially as I’d never want to hurt her and I have no idea whether he ever felt anything towards me either (I expect not so I guess that also helped).
But it is horrible, and I totally empathise.

Wakintoblueskies · 19/09/2023 23:36

Can you see your friend without her DH? Suggest a lunch/shopping trip - whatever.

Be careful around them both OP. It is very likely that your behaviour unknowingly changes when he is around and your long term friend will pick up on this.

It isn't unrequited love as there was never a possibility that you and this man would have been a couple. Its a crush. Not seeing him at all will help.
You know now though what qualities you see in a partner. I don't know if you said you are with somebody or single but if you are with a partner, its clear they are not the one for you so keep looking for the the right person.

You're not alone OP. Most of us have had our hearts broken and our crushes unrealised at some time or another.

Coyoacan · 19/09/2023 23:37

I've had a crush on a friend's husband because he was wonderful but if he'd ever returned my feelings it would have ruined it as i do not admire unfaithful men

Bored1000 · 19/09/2023 23:38

Do you think he has an inkling that you feel this way?
Has he done anything to encourage these feelings?
Is he especially charming or something?

leighqt · 19/09/2023 23:54

Personally I believe you should create distance until you are over it.

Ramalangadingdong · 19/09/2023 23:59

This is one of the saddest things I have read on here. You sound lonely. I wonder if you feel you are being left behind while your friend has gained the things you want. Next will probably be kids. You know that, as others have said, you have to nip this in the bud, don’t you? Your turn will come. Good luck.

Mountaineer0009 · 20/09/2023 00:00

@kerrypacker sometimes the heart wants , what the heart wants

ImustLearn2Cook · 20/09/2023 00:02

@kerrypacker I had feelings for someone who was married many years ago when I was younger.

For me it was not possible to completely avoid him. Think along the lines of coworker and I couldn’t leave my job (wasn’t that but something similar).

After talking to a friend about it she said to me not to worry too much. It’s just because he has qualities that you hope to find in a future partner.

Changing my mindset so that I worried about it less helped because I thought about it less. Also, turning it into something less big helped my feelings become less intense.

So, try to change the way you think because the way we think fuels our feelings.

He is just one man who has qualities that you like. There are other available men out there who have those same qualities.

Some of my friends who had a list of qualities that they were looking for in a man and set about trying to find him with online dating etc. were actually successful.

Maybe you could sit down and write a list of the qualities that you are looking for in a partner and set about trying to find him.

Just take your focus off him and redirect it somewhere else.

WhatWhereWho · 20/09/2023 00:06

SkyFullofStars1975 · 19/09/2023 22:31

Sounds like limerence.

It'll pass. It's just shit waiting for it to happen.

Oh please, no it does not. Limerence is a ridiculous concept that certain parts of mumsnet seems to reach for.

WhatWhereWho · 20/09/2023 00:13

kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 22:16

Not really an AIBU (as I am BU, obviously - but not intentionally so!) Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced this, and if so how on earth did you handle it?! Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH, which means I have over time got to know friend’s DH (FDH) better. To my horror as I get to know him better I’ve started to feel like this is someone I could really deeply fall for - everything I’ve ever looked for. Not something I would ever act on, and friend and FDH are very happy so it would make no difference if I did.

I’m trying to keep this brief, but it’s horribly upsetting. It’s not a situation I’ve looked for at all, and I’m not someone who typically falls for or goes after people in relationships. I’m also not talking about shallow feelings - they are powerful and I’m really struggling to get over this man.

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody.

It's an uncomfortable feeling and situation. You have fallen for someone that you should not have but it will pass. You know from the start that he's totally off-limits. All you can do is get on with your life and it will eventually fade. I do not think going NC is necessary though, just stay busy, have fun and behave appropriately. It's a crush.

whatchagonnado · 20/09/2023 00:14

The only way to overcome it is no contact. And in about 18 months the feelings will start to fade.

It's happened to me, in different circumstances. 20 year marriage, him in very long marriage too. I would never have acted on it, but I do think the feelings were mutual. I had to go completely NC and 3 years on I'm out the other side of it. It felt very intense at the time though. And unlike others, I think limerance is very real.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 20/09/2023 00:14

Are you single OP? Unfortunately I too have felt this way. It hasn’t passed. Hopefully one day it will! Reading your thread with interest