Page 12 | In love with friend’s DH

Chickenkeev · 22/09/2023 10:28

SmileyClare · 22/09/2023 10:25

I guess as evidenced by this thread some people are simply very emotional and predisposed (?) to getting strongly attached to an abstract idea of a person.

In a similar way that some people fantasised about pop stars in their youth, feel devastated when a celebrity dies or felt too grief stricken when the queen died to go to work.
Just easily overwhelmed or swept up in feelings that other people can detach themselves from.

I think you're spot on there. But the onus is on the person to recognise the predisposition and act accordingly. But yeah, def agree that some people are more sucseptible than others to this.

Ramalangadingdong · 22/09/2023 10:32

Janieforever · 20/09/2023 13:14

Don’t be so naive, you think given a chance she wouldn’t. She’s not just got a crush on him, she’s declaring her self In love and imagining marriage to him. The man isn’t remotely interested. She’s feigning friendship whilst coveting this poor woman’s husband. I assume she’s jealous of their relationship and wants what her friend has.

she needs to leave this woman and her husband alone. She isn’t her friend.

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Many of us have been pussyfooting around the issue, but this is probably the harsh reality imo.

benoticanarsed · 22/09/2023 10:41

Lots of good advice on here but also the usual nobs. I hope you all feel pleased with yourselves.

pollymere · 22/09/2023 11:00

I have snuck into a bomb shelter to write this 😂🤭

Maybe accept that you love him. And you love your friend. It's ok to love people. You have no issue loving your friend and thinking she's a great person so maybe realise that you love them both and that they are both great people.

I know it feels like the world isn't turning properly. My Mum used to say "it's not as if the wedding is tomorrow" to cover anything where you didn't know what to do. Life has a way of sorting itself out sometimes and solutions appear. (The night before my wedding she said, "well, the wedding IS tomorrow..."). I think psychologists call it boxing up a problem. There are so many maybes.

Mummysgogetter · 22/09/2023 12:42

Ramalangadingdong · 22/09/2023 10:32

Many of us have been pussyfooting around the issue, but this is probably the harsh reality imo.

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Well given that she has said herself that her friend's DH is not remotely interested in her, I fail to see how she is a threat to their marriage 🙄
The only way this would be a threat to her friend or her friend's marriage is if the husband is interested too and/or she started being nasty due to jealousy of her friend.

Good job we're not all punished for having thoughts about things we shouldn't - I was thinking murderous thoughts about my DH last week!! 😂

Mirabai · 22/09/2023 14:16

I find the insecurity and narcissism of posters on this forum mind-boggling. To turn an anonymous woman’s crush on her friend’s DH into some kind of threat to poster’s own relationship,

Janieforever · 22/09/2023 15:17

Mummysgogetter · 22/09/2023 12:42

Well given that she has said herself that her friend's DH is not remotely interested in her, I fail to see how she is a threat to their marriage 🙄
The only way this would be a threat to her friend or her friend's marriage is if the husband is interested too and/or she started being nasty due to jealousy of her friend.

Good job we're not all punished for having thoughts about things we shouldn't - I was thinking murderous thoughts about my DH last week!! 😂

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I think maybe you should read again. No one actually said she was a threat to the marriage, what was said was given a chance she would be, but no one thinks she would be given a chance, that he’s interested or is any sort of threat

Katysara · 22/09/2023 15:32

I think people are being really hard on you, especially as you sound really reasonable. I also think limerance is real and have had it. For me, and the circumstances were different, the only things that helped, were non contact and time. Have you tried dating someone else?

Spa7tak · 22/09/2023 15:32

Write a letter to yourself, feel the feelings, enjoy the wee thrill then burn the lot, say nowt and move on.

Ramalangadingdong · 22/09/2023 15:43

Mummysgogetter · 22/09/2023 12:42

Well given that she has said herself that her friend's DH is not remotely interested in her, I fail to see how she is a threat to their marriage 🙄
The only way this would be a threat to her friend or her friend's marriage is if the husband is interested too and/or she started being nasty due to jealousy of her friend.

Good job we're not all punished for having thoughts about things we shouldn't - I was thinking murderous thoughts about my DH last week!! 😂

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Yes, but hopefully those thoughts against your husband are momentary and fleeting. Op thinks her feelings are serious (she describes herself as being in love). Many of us may love our friend DPs but being in love with them? Also, op must think it is more than just thoughts to come on here and ask for advice. She sounds to be in turmoil.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/09/2023 16:59

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 21/09/2023 17:40

@BardRelic · Today 10:56

I'm pretty sure a mutual friend of mine and my DP's has a bit of a crush on him. She might even fantasize about shagging him. I can't say I care. She's not acting on it and he's a lovely, fanciable bloke, so I don't blame her.

If she did act on it, that would be a major problem. Sitting there thinking he's cute, not so much.

Oh, for the love of fuck!

Just when I thought I had read it all on here.

The really worrying thing is that I actually think you're serious.

I am seriously worried for any woman, who is allegedly OK with a friend fancying her husband, and fantasizing about shagging him. WTAF?!

There are some fucking batshit posts on here, but that one is one of the batshittiest! 😖 'Oh ha ha, I don't mind my friend wanting to fuck my husband, as he is such a gorgeous, lovely, fanciable bloke.' (boak) 🤮

What fresh hell is this?

My beautician is like this, relishes the idea that other women fancy her husband. He's ripped, nice enough chap but isn't my cup of tea. I know him as well as her.

I think it comes from place of huge insecurity. She keeps going on that her bum is too big but she takes photos of it in lace knickers, puts them on facebook. I just ignore her when she bangs on about it.

There are inane women like this, sadly.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 22/09/2023 19:15

Probably some women do fancy him though! It's not likely if you have a reasonably attractive husband that some other people might notice and even have a crush on them.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 22/09/2023 19:16

I meant to say it's not likely that you are the only one to fancy them and it's quite likely others have noticed and one or two may have a crush. Gah, Fri eve, I'm tired!

Defiantjazz · 22/09/2023 20:15

No one actually said she was a threat to the marriage, what was said was given a chance she would be, but no one thinks she would be given a chance, that he’s interested or is any sort of threat

You’re making stuff up again.

SunshineandShowers22 · 23/09/2023 02:14

Can I offer an alternative suggestion? Don't go down the 'no contact' route, this will work until you see him again and those feelings will rush right back. Spend time with him and your friend, get to know him, chances are the more you get to know him, he will become less like a fantasy, you will see him flaws and all and this image you've built up in your mind will slowly start to fade away.

I've been in your position and I really feel for what you're going through as it feels utterly intense and even though you know it is ridiculous you cannot escape the thoughts of this person. This worked for me, getting to know the person more and realising he wasn't this absolute Hercules I had made him out to be in my mind, just a regular fella who wouldn't be suited to me at all in the real world.

Good luck!

pompomdaisy · 23/09/2023 03:29

The same thing happened to me once in my late 30s. He was a 60 year old school teacher at the primary school and I was pregnant. It was weird. It lasted about a year though and it was horrendous. Then one day - puff- it went! I think stay away and it will pass but unfortunately you have to cut your friend off too.

RantyAnty · 23/09/2023 05:35

How are you getting to know him so well if you live in different cities and don't see him that much?

Are you texting with him?

Mummysgogetter · 23/09/2023 16:02

@pompomdaisy interesting. What was it about him that made you crush? Did he flirt or anything?

MarvellousMonsters · 23/09/2023 17:25

pollymere · 22/09/2023 11:00

I have snuck into a bomb shelter to write this 😂🤭

Maybe accept that you love him. And you love your friend. It's ok to love people. You have no issue loving your friend and thinking she's a great person so maybe realise that you love them both and that they are both great people.

I know it feels like the world isn't turning properly. My Mum used to say "it's not as if the wedding is tomorrow" to cover anything where you didn't know what to do. Life has a way of sorting itself out sometimes and solutions appear. (The night before my wedding she said, "well, the wedding IS tomorrow..."). I think psychologists call it boxing up a problem. There are so many maybes.

She's not in love with him. It's a crush. A fantasy. Not love. There's nothing wrong with having a crush on someone, it's a normal thing to happen, but the problem is the OP thinks she's in love.

pompomdaisy · 23/09/2023 17:59

@Mummysgogetter no he didn't at all. He was lovely to everyone, very professional. but at the time I perceived he was flirting because it was all encompassing and I saw what I wanted to believe.

When it lifted I thought ' what the hell was wrong with me'? Terrible. I can only put it down to some weird hormonal change or pre natal depression.

ACertainKindOfLight · 23/09/2023 18:05

The feelings are there but doesn't mean you have to act on them, they will pass. I agree zero contact. He is not yours to love, be happy they are happy. Focus on other things.

Ramalangadingdong · 25/09/2023 10:56

Highdaysandholidays1 · 22/09/2023 19:16

I meant to say it's not likely that you are the only one to fancy them and it's quite likely others have noticed and one or two may have a crush. Gah, Fri eve, I'm tired!

I have over the course of my life met men who everybody falls in love with. All of them have turned out to be game players who tease women with special and subtle understanding “looks” and gestures that make people who are sensitive and essentially lonely (in terms of not het having found a life partner) feel as though they are in the presence of someone who understands them and with whom they think in other circumstances they would have a deep relationship.

I have learned to avoid these people like the plague. It is better to get to know someone by going on fun dates etc and then gradually falling in love. You know, a real relationship.

op, I am not saying this is your guy but it is possibly something else to think about.

candycrush02 · 25/09/2023 11:11

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody

NC here.
I was once in your situation, it was like being hit by a train, instant attraction, zero sign it was reciprocated (both teenagers) i did nothing, i even moved abroad to get away from him and my friend.

Anyway, eventually (15years plus) we had an affair, told me he'd fancied me from day 1 too, he left his wife (my friend) we started officially seeing each other many months laters and no one knew, anyhow, moved in together, had a child all was good, then 5 years after the affair he died in an accident, our child never knew their father.

All those wasted years.

BTW i am not suggesting you have an affair at all, its just my response to your question, my advice would be to avoid, "absence makes the heart wander" n all that.

BanditoShipman · 07/02/2024 19:12

candycrush02 · 25/09/2023 11:11

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody

NC here.
I was once in your situation, it was like being hit by a train, instant attraction, zero sign it was reciprocated (both teenagers) i did nothing, i even moved abroad to get away from him and my friend.

Anyway, eventually (15years plus) we had an affair, told me he'd fancied me from day 1 too, he left his wife (my friend) we started officially seeing each other many months laters and no one knew, anyhow, moved in together, had a child all was good, then 5 years after the affair he died in an accident, our child never knew their father.

All those wasted years.

BTW i am not suggesting you have an affair at all, its just my response to your question, my advice would be to avoid, "absence makes the heart wander" n all that.

Your whole post is a dumpster fire but special mention: it should be ’absence makes the heart FONDER’ not wander

CucumberBagel · 07/02/2024 19:15

BanditoShipman · 07/02/2024 19:12

Your whole post is a dumpster fire but special mention: it should be ’absence makes the heart FONDER’ not wander

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Zombie.