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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In love with friend’s DH

300 replies

kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 22:16

Not really an AIBU (as I am BU, obviously - but not intentionally so!) Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced this, and if so how on earth did you handle it?! Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH, which means I have over time got to know friend’s DH (FDH) better. To my horror as I get to know him better I’ve started to feel like this is someone I could really deeply fall for - everything I’ve ever looked for. Not something I would ever act on, and friend and FDH are very happy so it would make no difference if I did.

I’m trying to keep this brief, but it’s horribly upsetting. It’s not a situation I’ve looked for at all, and I’m not someone who typically falls for or goes after people in relationships. I’m also not talking about shallow feelings - they are powerful and I’m really struggling to get over this man.

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody.

OP posts:
Brightandshining · 21/09/2023 18:56

Obviously you are being completely unreasonable. But I understand it must be hard for you. Thing is tho there will be other men not married to your friend, who you could fall deeply for too. And you won't meet them if you get all obsessed over this man and ruin your friendship and potentially humiliate yourself
Just enjoy his company but try and distance yourself emotionally. He's not for you but at least he's shown you that there are men like him in existence and you know better what you are looking for now.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 21/09/2023 19:30

Coyoacan · 19/09/2023 23:37

I've had a crush on a friend's husband because he was wonderful but if he'd ever returned my feelings it would have ruined it as i do not admire unfaithful men

I feel the same. There's a man I know who is gorgeous and he gives me butterflies but I would never act on it as I am happily married and IF he ever implied he was interested in me I would be appalled as he is married with 2 kids. Nothing wrong with a little fantasy

Hororobbo · 21/09/2023 19:45

I hear this 100% — what you need is compassion and understanding. You are human and these situations happen and they are intense and difficult. You are not a bad person. The people who’ve reacted strongly to this are insecure, understandably! No one wants to consider this scenario. But let’s be realistic, we are human and shit happens! Forcing yourself to do anything (ignore or pursue) probably won’t work. I’d suggest taking some time out for yourself, gathering perspective. What else is going on in your life?

Im not trying to encourage or support anything, but I want you to know that I feel
how difficult this is! I wish you all the best.

LittleMonstera · 21/09/2023 19:55

I'm not sure how much practical advice previous posters have added above and beyond stay away but some pointers from my more youthful (and single) days of falling hard for inappropriate men are;

Firstly, imagine them in mundane/gross situations - sitting with your family for dinner, arguing over who does the bins, stinking up the bathroom, cutting (or not cutting) their toenails, being sh*t in bed (he might be), etc etc.

Secondly, start dating and date hard, set up a dating app profile with your best pics and widen your search to 50+ miles til you find a hot, funny, kind guy to swap flirty messages with.

It really is biology making your heart ache for this man, and I'm sure it literally does feel like that, however you'll feel this way about the next crush too, just need to find them.

Weacceptvisaandmastercard · 21/09/2023 20:14

OP I think you need to follow others advice and just don't see him.

I was once head over heels with a man who just did't feel the same way at all and I continually made an absolute idiot of myself when he was around. After one particularly horrible night that I'd slept with him (we were both single) and I'd left his feeling awful I just made the decision never to see him again. It was so hard but the best thing I could have done. 20 years later I still think of him but we'll probably never see each other again which is nothing but a very good thing.

girlfriend44 · 21/09/2023 20:41

Spot on. You can also get limerance for more than one person.

T1Dmama · 21/09/2023 21:51

I think it’s best to arrange to meet your friend without her husband… I find it strange you’d meet with her DH anyway… I’ve never met up with friends and their partners unless it’s been with my partner too..
avoid meeting up as a 3, ask her to meet for coffee etc with you alone

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 21/09/2023 21:57

SarahAndQuack · 19/09/2023 22:33

You have a crush on someone, and you're doing the things we all do to fan the flames of a crush. You have mentionitis; you want to talk about him; you are exaggerating the bond between you. All of those things are within your control to stop, so stop doing them.

You don't need to start a thread asking other people if they've ever fancied a friend's husband. You don't need to call having a crush on him being 'in love'.

I know I sound harsh, but you need to nip this in the bud, rather than indulging it.

This!

PawsAndReflection · 21/09/2023 22:11

Bored1000 · 19/09/2023 23:38

Do you think he has an inkling that you feel this way?
Has he done anything to encourage these feelings?
Is he especially charming or something?

Of course he does!

StaunchMomma · 21/09/2023 22:20

SarahAndQuack · 19/09/2023 22:33

You have a crush on someone, and you're doing the things we all do to fan the flames of a crush. You have mentionitis; you want to talk about him; you are exaggerating the bond between you. All of those things are within your control to stop, so stop doing them.

You don't need to start a thread asking other people if they've ever fancied a friend's husband. You don't need to call having a crush on him being 'in love'.

I know I sound harsh, but you need to nip this in the bud, rather than indulging it.

100% this.

You're just torturing yourself and it's more than a little self-indulgent a childish.

Better to put your time and energy into meeting someone who is actually interested and, most importantly, available!

Mommywomb · 21/09/2023 22:30

First you need to understand that you are NOT in love with him! Stop saying that again and again that you’re in love with him!
how many times you have met him? He might be a creep in bed with handcuffs and a hunter- you don’t know him! You have not spent time enough to say you love him. He might be a perfect person (or not)- you don’t know because you have not lived with him-
reset your mindset that it is NOT your unrequited love and he is not the man for you!
your feelings are just feelings because you don’t have enough things in your life May be and u have enough time to think about him.
go find a hobby or go to the volunteer work at palliative care or hospital where u have Tory hands and mind full and don’t have time to think of a man who is again NOT your love neither your man!

angelfacecuti75 · 21/09/2023 22:42

I have done this. But never acted on it. Not on a friends hubby. But on a colleague when life was harder and my relationship was too.
I have had a major day dream about a colleague /crush on him.
The idea was better than the reality -i worked out that it was a nice distraction / fantasy ...a bit of light in the dark.
The reality was , breaking up my family ...giving up my very loving and caring fiance , having nowhere to live. Having no money. Causing heartache.
Give yourself space, distance and time. The feelings will fade.
Human beings aren't designed to be faithful...especially women, despite what society tells you! Forgive yourself , don't say a word , distance yourself...and the feelings will fade.

paranoidnamechanger · 21/09/2023 23:08

You don't need to start a thread asking other people if they've ever fancied a friend's husband. You don't need to call having a crush on him being 'in love'.

@SarahAndQuack How horrible and lacking in empathy are you to say what OP should and shouldn’t post? How is it helping her? I feel angry on the OP’s behalf that so many posters have devalued her (very real) feelings.

SarahAndQuack · 21/09/2023 23:10

paranoidnamechanger · 21/09/2023 23:08

You don't need to start a thread asking other people if they've ever fancied a friend's husband. You don't need to call having a crush on him being 'in love'.

@SarahAndQuack How horrible and lacking in empathy are you to say what OP should and shouldn’t post? How is it helping her? I feel angry on the OP’s behalf that so many posters have devalued her (very real) feelings.

I didn't say what she should or shouldn't post.

I pointed out that she's choosing to post like this to feed her crush. Sorry, but it's true. It's not helpful to tell someone who has a crush on someone unavailable that their feelings are valuable. It's harmful.

Mamanyt · 21/09/2023 23:58

There is one thing that you can do that wiII, over time, heIp. And God knows, my father did it often enough with me and boys I was seriousIy infatuated with. Find one thing, just one thing, about him that is absurd or off-putting. And EVERYONE has at Ieast one of those. DweII on that. Force yourseIf to think about that one thing. It wiII take time, but it wiII Iessen this crush. Meantime, keep your distance. EventuaIIy, you'II be thinking, "Gee, nice guy but that (whatever it is) wouId make me crazy!"

Floralie222 · 22/09/2023 06:01

I'm sorry that you are getting so many judgemental comments when you clearly say you would never act upon these feelings and you are asking for support and advice!

I have a friend who has never admitted it, but it is very obvious that she has feelings for her sister's husband. She talks about him all the time, he is the one that she goes to for advice about anything, she moved home and job to be a lot closer to them and she spends a lot of time with him often without her sister there. To me and our friends she is displaying exactly what seems like a strong crush. I don't think she would ever act on it but I do believe it's impacting her own dating life and future happiness and has done for many years. My advice would be to do the exact opposite of what she's done. I do agree with other posts that you should go a while without seeing him and maybe your friend. Find a totally new hobby like diving, climbing, fitness classes, volunteering (all good for meeting men) that takes up your weekends and blame it on that if your friend asks. Join a dating app and give yourself a target to go minimum 1 date per fortnight. It's easier than you think when you stop finding reasons to say no. I agree with a previous post that often to get over a man, I had to find 1 or 2 new men who would irrationally upset me and then I'd realise I was over the original, lol. Might sound like terrible advice but it really works!

Don't ever act on your feelings, even if your friend and her DH broke up. I have a friend who got together with my ex and she ended up having totally rose tinted glasses for him for way too long and now she's in a pretty controlling relationship as she stopped talking to all our mutual friends because she felt guilty. She's not happy with her life.

Hold on to the feeling that in the future you will learn more about friends DH and you'll look back and wonder why on earth you had feelings for this man and be grateful that he gave you an idea of the things that you want in a DH of your own.

Mummysgogetter · 22/09/2023 07:07

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt etc. not with a friends husband but married colleague at work. The worst thing for me is that I would avoid him (there was really no reason for us to talk) and be feeling over it, then he would make a point of getting my attention. As soon as he had it, he would back away again. In the end I was enraged with myself that I was giving him that power to fuel his ego and I used that rage to completely cut him out my mind.

Jacesmum1977 · 22/09/2023 08:32

kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 22:58

I agree that I need to stay away from him, but the problem is that it isn’t really manageable to do that and stay friends with his wife. I think I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I don’t really have any option but to pull back from the friendship, which is heartbreaking as she’s a really good friend.

Show quote history

You’d rather lose a good friend because you can’t control yourself about her husband?
It’s not love darling. It’s fantasy.
This will pass and you’ll have no friend.
How great for you and her as no doubt she’ll wonder what she’s done or why your friendship broke down…. And you’ll be left without a good friend.
Give your head a wobble mate

5128gap · 22/09/2023 08:33

When people say "all feelings are valid" and criticise others for not indulging OP, they are missing an important qualifier. That not all feelings are proportionate, appropriate to the situation or healthy.
If I were to collapse in tears and feel sad all day because I'd broken my favourite coffee mug, or be overcome with rage because someone pushed in front of me in a queue, would you think my feelings were 'valid' so I should just get right on with feeling them? Or would you think I needed a little perspective and encouragement to get things in proportion so I can get on with my life?
Being attracted to someone who isn't interested/available isn't a great feeling. But it's a fairly commonplace occurance, on a par with the many other disappointments most human beings encounter at some point in our lives. It shouldn't be a source of ongoing intolerable pain akin to the loss of a genuine love.
If the OP really feels that way then rather than being encouraged to see it as a valid response, she may be better advised to seek help to look at why that is.

Chickenkeev · 22/09/2023 08:40

@5128gap stop being being completely and utterly reasonable there will ya 😅

SmileyClare · 22/09/2023 09:05

Chickenkeev · 22/09/2023 08:40

@5128gap stop being being completely and utterly reasonable there will ya 😅

🤣 just what I was thinking. That was such a rational measured response that I suspect it’s killed the thread 🤣

Mummysgogetter · 22/09/2023 09:40

5128gap · 22/09/2023 08:33

When people say "all feelings are valid" and criticise others for not indulging OP, they are missing an important qualifier. That not all feelings are proportionate, appropriate to the situation or healthy.
If I were to collapse in tears and feel sad all day because I'd broken my favourite coffee mug, or be overcome with rage because someone pushed in front of me in a queue, would you think my feelings were 'valid' so I should just get right on with feeling them? Or would you think I needed a little perspective and encouragement to get things in proportion so I can get on with my life?
Being attracted to someone who isn't interested/available isn't a great feeling. But it's a fairly commonplace occurance, on a par with the many other disappointments most human beings encounter at some point in our lives. It shouldn't be a source of ongoing intolerable pain akin to the loss of a genuine love.
If the OP really feels that way then rather than being encouraged to see it as a valid response, she may be better advised to seek help to look at why that is.

I don't think people are encouraging the OP to indulge in the feelings, but more or less saying "you feel what you feel" without shaming her for feeling this way, and advising how to rise above the feelings.

SmileyClare · 22/09/2023 09:55

I mean posts like the one below are probably the sort of thing op was after but are they helpful? They seem so irrational and disproportionate to me!

Op I completely understand the pain. I’ve had this- it’s torture..I was going to sleep in pain and waking up in pain. It was agony

They simply confirm that op is justified in how she has reacted to a man she sees/hears about (maybe stalks online) a handful of times a year.

MrsLighthouse · 22/09/2023 09:59

Being attracted to unavailable men is a whole thing …it’s shows you what you want and in some way it’s the damn biological clock ! It’s honestly not a real option so stay away and take your desire for a relationship elsewhere .

SmileyClare · 22/09/2023 10:25

I guess as evidenced by this thread some people are simply very emotional and predisposed (?) to getting strongly attached to an abstract idea of a person.

In a similar way that some people fantasised about pop stars in their youth, feel devastated when a celebrity dies or felt too grief stricken when the queen died to go to work.
Just easily overwhelmed or swept up in feelings that other people can detach themselves from.