In love with friend’s DH

[kerrypacker]

Not really an AIBU (as I am BU, obviously - but not intentionally so!) Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced this, and if so how on earth did you handle it?! Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH, which means I have over time got to know friend’s DH (FDH) better. To my horror as I get to know him better I’ve started to feel like this is someone I could really deeply fall for - everything I’ve ever looked for. Not something I would ever act on, and friend and FDH are very happy so it would make no difference if I did.

I’m trying to keep this brief, but it’s horribly upsetting. It’s not a situation I’ve looked for at all, and I’m not someone who typically falls for or goes after people in relationships. I’m also not talking about shallow feelings - they are powerful and I’m really struggling to get over this man.

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody.

If she did act on it, that would be a major problem. Sitting there thinking he's cute, not so much.

“Sitting there thinking he’s cute” is a bit different from thinking she’s in love with him.

Yeah it happens. It’s human nature to a degree. Thankfully most adults acknowledge it and don’t blow it up into a huge consuming fantasy of agonising unrequited love?

Telling op she can’t help her feelings is rubbish.
Most people can rationalise their feelings, examine the reasons behind them and choose whether to indulge them.

Im not saying op wants an affair, but “You can’t help your feelings” is exactly the rubbish adulterers tell themselves, along with “my heart ruled my head, I couldn’t help myself”
It absolves all personal responsibility.

I'm really wondering how exactly some of the posters on this thread think they are a. ever going to know if somebody is fantasising about their husbands and b. what the hell they are planning on doing to stop it.

Well quite it’s not that unusual or uncommon to find an unavailable man attractive. Who’s disagreeing?

Its not clear why op is so traumatised by it, so consumed and in pain; and so terrified of her feelings.

I suspect this angst is a subconscious way of distracting from her own life? A crush doesn’t have to cause all this distress unless you allow it to “take over”.

I think some people on here, who have never suffered from mental illness are being harsh to the Op.

I'm not saying a crush/limerence IS the mental illness (let's not get into that again!). But, how MUCH IT AFFECTS your day to day life can very much depend on your current mental state.

If you're prone to anxiety, depression, maladaptive day dreaming, OCD, these crushes CAN feel like they consume you. The intrusive thoughts, the inability to think about other things, some people end up not doing their work/being a present parent etc with the maladaptive day dreaming.

I think the advice has been good on here in the main, KEEP BUSY, distance yourself, be kind to yourself and get some therapy. But it is so hard and you're not alone.

@Knitgoodwoman fair point.

Its not clear why the suggestion of mental illness was so angrily dismissed/ denied early on in the thread.

Its not an insult to suggest it and it goes some way in explaining/ understanding op’s feelings.

Its not clear why the suggestion of mental illness was so angrily dismissed/ denied early on in the thread.

Its not an insult to suggest it and it goes some way in explaining/ understanding op’s feelings.

OP has a crush on someone. Someone unsuitable yes (husband of a friend) but this doesn’t make it a mental illness.

If you're prone to anxiety, depression, maladaptive day dreaming, OCD, these crushes CAN feel like they consume you. The intrusive thoughts, the inability to think about other things, some people end up not doing their work/being a present parent etc with the maladaptive day dreaming.

If you suffer from any of those conditions then yes
If you don’t though..it’s just a crush. Difficult under circumstances such as the OPs but a lot of things in life are difficult even if you don’t have a mental illness.

IF the OP is still reading - there is only one answer:

Never see him.
If this is awkward to achieve because of the friendship then end the friendship as well. Kindly - you have become 'unsuitable' as a friend anyway.

You know it, but friend doesn't. Just waft away and know you've done the kindest thing for all of you.

If you hang about it'll ruin your mental state and you'll be living a lie in front of your friend.

Agreed, however understanding your current mental state can help in understanding how or why it is affecting you so deeply.
There are strategies and mechanisms to reframe it in your mind and take back some control here.

Op can take some responsibility in managing her own state of mind if that makes sense.

I think most people have experienced a crush on someone in their lives and it hasn’t caused them huge distress and pain. That’s the difference isn’t it?

All this it’s a crush nonsense. The op is a grown arse woman, not a young lovelorn teen. She’s indulging in pretending to be this woman’s friend whilst jealousy wanting what she has.and imagining herself living her friends life and being with this man.

it clearly highlights what’s missing in her life. But jealousy and wanting what her friend has is at the base of this. And it’s not ok. She needs to distance herself.

Firstly you need to check the language you use here. By describing yourself as in love with this man who you know very superficially and who is a tiny part of your life, you are encouraging yourself to see it as a bigger deal than it is.
In perspective, you are sexually attracted to a nice guy. One of thousands of other nice guys you could be sexually attracted to. He's not uniquely suitable for you, or extraordinarily lovable, he's just a man. Someone's else's Mr Right, making him your Mr Wrong.
Tell yourself this whenever you start to get overwhelmed by your feelings.
Do not fuel this fire with contact with him.
Get out and meet people to replace this fantasy with reality.
Remember these things are an illusion and as real as they feel, they do pass. If all else fails you just need to wait it out until it does.

Oh, and if you give up a good female friendship because you fancy a man, then you will be foolish in the extreme. You shouldn't even be considering avoiding your good friend over this. Just avoid him. You can absolutely rein this in and control yourself without the need to make her suffer. She should be far more important to you than this crush.

This is it. OP just needs to be strategic about organising meet ups from now on.

@BardRelic · Today 10:56

I'm pretty sure a mutual friend of mine and my DP's has a bit of a crush on him. She might even fantasize about shagging him. I can't say I care. She's not acting on it and he's a lovely, fanciable bloke, so I don't blame her.

If she did act on it, that would be a major problem. Sitting there thinking he's cute, not so much.

Oh, for the love of fuck!

Just when I thought I had read it all on here.

The really worrying thing is that I actually think you're serious.

I am seriously worried for any woman, who is allegedly OK with a friend fancying her husband, and fantasizing about shagging him. WTAF?!

There are some fucking batshit posts on here, but that one is one of the batshittiest! 😖 'Oh ha ha, I don't mind my friend wanting to fuck my husband, as he is such a gorgeous, lovely, fanciable bloke.' (boak) 🤮

What fresh hell is this?

Dear, you need to stay away from him and see a therapist about this right away. You can tell the therapist about this issue, and she can help you deal with it. I would make an appointment right away before your thoughts become an obsession.

On what basis ISN'T this unrequited love? Sounds like the definition of it. I'm really sorry for you, OP, and I don't understand why so many posters are dismissing you and putting you down. I really hope you find a fulfilling relationship soon and can forget this man.

All this it’s a crush nonsense. The op is a grown arse woman, not a young lovelorn teen
You don’t have to be a teen to be strongly attracted to someone unattainable though hopefully a grown arse woman would handle it better than a teen would.

She’s indulging in pretending to be this woman’s friend whilst jealousy wanting what she has.and imagining herself living her friends life and being with this man

Not sure where you’ve got this idea from

Not sure where you’ve got this idea from

Spend a little time on MN and you'll quickly realise that most people's reading comprehension is more than a little lacking. They do make up for it in imagination though.

She did not exaggerate their bond she didn't mention one, she said she could fall for him.. did I miss somethin!
I have never been in your situation however the man my sister married was my high school crush, hate the sight of him now so that's not the same.. girls have crushed on my husband fairly obviously, but he loves me and tbh we have cut those people out only because I couldn't look at them again the same way and felt betrayed and he didn't really care enough not to cut them out.
I hope you get over this, and don't act on it. Wishin you the best

There’s frequently so much projection on here, you could run a multi-screen cinema.

Nothing the OP has suggested anything other than regretting strong feelings she didn’t ask for, and her determination not to act on them.

I was 49, and in a responsible professional job, and happily married when it happened to me in the spring of 2022, far from a self-dramatising teenager. And not being a self-dramatising teenager, I have neither welcomed the attraction, indulged it or acted on it. It has been the reverse of enjoyable.

The OP isn't close enough to this man to love him. They have no bond, no direct relationship, and her knowledge of him is limited to his social presentation and her friends anecdotes. While she is strongly attracted to the glimpse of the man she's seen, and while it might be unrequited, it's not love.
I don't say that to diminish her feelings, but because I think the distinction matters. Love is a big deal emotion. People take risks for it, put the object of it before others, make sacrifices.
The OP is considering putting a good friend out of her life over this. Which may be appropriate for a real unrequited love, for example for an ex or a long term best friend who doesn't feel the same way; but is a huge overreaction to a crush, which she is likely to regret when it passes.

There are some rude comments here. I just wanted to say I completely understand how you feel. It is torture, you didn’t choose it and you are struggling with how to deal with the pain. I had a situation like this. I never had any intention of acting upon the feelings either, but they were agony. I would fall asleep in pain and wake up in pain. It wasn’t my fault and it was hard also to never be able to tell a soul in real life. Thinking of you 🌼

You’re not in love. You have a crush. Get a grip, you’re not 12. Behave.