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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In love with friend’s DH

300 replies

kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 22:16

Not really an AIBU (as I am BU, obviously - but not intentionally so!) Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced this, and if so how on earth did you handle it?! Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH, which means I have over time got to know friend’s DH (FDH) better. To my horror as I get to know him better I’ve started to feel like this is someone I could really deeply fall for - everything I’ve ever looked for. Not something I would ever act on, and friend and FDH are very happy so it would make no difference if I did.

I’m trying to keep this brief, but it’s horribly upsetting. It’s not a situation I’ve looked for at all, and I’m not someone who typically falls for or goes after people in relationships. I’m also not talking about shallow feelings - they are powerful and I’m really struggling to get over this man.

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody.

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 19/09/2023 22:19

Stay away from him. Still be friends with his wife of course but avoid him like the plague. There's no good outcome from pining around him or an affair. Stay away and reset yourself.

NalafromtheLionKing · 19/09/2023 22:25

Good advice above. The quickest way to get over him will be to go completely NC. At least you know what you’re looking for when you meet new (single) men.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 19/09/2023 22:31

Sounds like limerence.

It'll pass. It's just shit waiting for it to happen.

SarahAndQuack · 19/09/2023 22:33

You have a crush on someone, and you're doing the things we all do to fan the flames of a crush. You have mentionitis; you want to talk about him; you are exaggerating the bond between you. All of those things are within your control to stop, so stop doing them.

You don't need to start a thread asking other people if they've ever fancied a friend's husband. You don't need to call having a crush on him being 'in love'.

I know I sound harsh, but you need to nip this in the bud, rather than indulging it.

Merrymaking · 19/09/2023 22:41

SarahAndQuack · 19/09/2023 22:33

You have a crush on someone, and you're doing the things we all do to fan the flames of a crush. You have mentionitis; you want to talk about him; you are exaggerating the bond between you. All of those things are within your control to stop, so stop doing them.

You don't need to start a thread asking other people if they've ever fancied a friend's husband. You don't need to call having a crush on him being 'in love'.

I know I sound harsh, but you need to nip this in the bud, rather than indulging it.

Could not agree more.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 19/09/2023 22:42

I would cut you off if you were my friend and I've done it.

RhymesWithTangerine · 19/09/2023 22:42

You’ll get over it OP. Only trouble comes this way, so stop now. It’s fine to fancy anyone really. The problem is you’ve convinced yourself of more.

Obviously, you are not really in love with this guy. I don’t mean that flippantly - I mean you are over-egging this to make it more exciting.

Fill your time with other stuff and the feelings will go away. Like all the crushes you’ve ever had before.

bossybloss · 19/09/2023 22:46

It does look like you are experiencing lime fence and really the only way to solve this is to go NC. … you will forget your feelings for him over time.

bossybloss · 19/09/2023 22:46

Limerence !!

RhymesWithTangerine · 19/09/2023 22:52

bossybloss · 19/09/2023 22:46

Limerence !!

Limerance is a bullshit concept that has no traction anywhere except MN.

Lots of us got married and had babies with people we are still together with decades later while under what MN would describe as ‘limerance’ and everyone else would describe as either being in love or having a crush.

MN seems to like the idea of limerance as it implies adulterous couples can’t actually have true feelings for each other. Instead they are in this weird state, that devalues actual feelings.

Original poster
kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 22:53

SarahAndQuack · 19/09/2023 22:33

You have a crush on someone, and you're doing the things we all do to fan the flames of a crush. You have mentionitis; you want to talk about him; you are exaggerating the bond between you. All of those things are within your control to stop, so stop doing them.

You don't need to start a thread asking other people if they've ever fancied a friend's husband. You don't need to call having a crush on him being 'in love'.

I know I sound harsh, but you need to nip this in the bud, rather than indulging it.

Um - what? I don’t want to talk about him. I hate feeling this way, it’s horrible. I haven’t said anything about a ‘bond’ between us - all the feelings are on my side.

I do need to start a thread, because it’s horrible feeling like this, I’m struggling with it on my own - it’s not something I can talk to anyone in my life about, for obvious reasons - and some support from someone who’s been through it would be really helpful.

I appreciate that you are trying to be helpful, but ‘flame-fanning’ is not what this post is. Believe me that I’m not getting any romantic thrills out of it, or out of anything in this thoroughly shitty situation.

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 19/09/2023 22:58

You need to change your mindset immediately.

You are not 'in love' with this man. How could you be? You don't know him intimately. You haven't been in any potential 'ick' situations with him. You are in love with the idea of him. He displays qualities you would like in your own partner.

FWIW, I say good on you for starting a thread. You know these feelings are wrong and you want to snap out of it.

Original poster
kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 22:58

Chickenkeev · 19/09/2023 22:19

Stay away from him. Still be friends with his wife of course but avoid him like the plague. There's no good outcome from pining around him or an affair. Stay away and reset yourself.

I agree that I need to stay away from him, but the problem is that it isn’t really manageable to do that and stay friends with his wife. I think I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I don’t really have any option but to pull back from the friendship, which is heartbreaking as she’s a really good friend.

OP posts:
Plusque · 19/09/2023 22:59

RhymesWithTangerine · 19/09/2023 22:52

Limerance is a bullshit concept that has no traction anywhere except MN.

Lots of us got married and had babies with people we are still together with decades later while under what MN would describe as ‘limerance’ and everyone else would describe as either being in love or having a crush.

MN seems to like the idea of limerance as it implies adulterous couples can’t actually have true feelings for each other. Instead they are in this weird state, that devalues actual feelings.

Show quote history

I agree. It’s a completely meaningless concept, or it means something like ‘strong feelings I’m not prepared to call love/attraction for some reason’.

OP, it happens to everyone at some point. Don’t beat yourself up. Presumably you see very little of this man, anyway, if he lives in another city. It will eventually go away by itself. Just acknowledge that it’s painful, and continue not to act on it.

Fourlegsandatail · 19/09/2023 22:59

OP it’s ok that you feel this way, you can’t help your feelings. However you can control your actions. Stay away from him for a few months, he’s probably not that special really, you have just made him so in your head.

SarahAndQuack · 19/09/2023 23:01

kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 22:53

Um - what? I don’t want to talk about him. I hate feeling this way, it’s horrible. I haven’t said anything about a ‘bond’ between us - all the feelings are on my side.

I do need to start a thread, because it’s horrible feeling like this, I’m struggling with it on my own - it’s not something I can talk to anyone in my life about, for obvious reasons - and some support from someone who’s been through it would be really helpful.

I appreciate that you are trying to be helpful, but ‘flame-fanning’ is not what this post is. Believe me that I’m not getting any romantic thrills out of it, or out of anything in this thoroughly shitty situation.

Show quote history

Well, you started a whole thread to talk about him.

You said in your thread title you were 'in love' with him - which seems unlikely if all the feelings are on your side.

Honestly, you don't need to start a thread, and you don't need to fish for support. That is just going to make things worse.

It's not a 'thoroughly shitty situation' yet - it's just really uncomfortable when you feel as if you might be able to fall for someone, and they're spoken for. But, you just need to be sensible and stop acting as if it's a big deal. Just tell yourself firmly that he's off limits, and stop listening to the little voice that's telling you to keep talking about it all. I guarantee it's the only thing that will work.

Tonight1 · 19/09/2023 23:01

It's a crush, it'll pass. It's not as tortured as you think and you're not in love.

Are you dating at present? It appears to be wishful thinking that you'll meet someone like that and you're using him as a figurehead for what you'd like to happen.

You have your own life to lead!

Mirabai · 19/09/2023 23:02

Limerance is a bullshit concept that has no traction anywhere except MN.

Was going to say exactly the same thing.

In the real world OP has a crush on/is a bit in love with her friend’s DH.

Unrequited feelings often happens with someone who feels safe - you know he’s a good person as your friend chose him, and he’s safe to have big feelings about on as there’s no chance of it being acted on.

Meadowlands · 19/09/2023 23:02

I do feel for you OP. Many years ago a similar thing happened to me. Unfortunately we cannot control our feelings, but we can control the situation and I agree that unfortunately going NC is the only way.
But very tricky for you to give a reason to your friend for not seeing her.
I really hope it all works out for you.

Chickenkeev · 19/09/2023 23:04

@kerrypacker do you always see them together? Could you not go for a coffee or a walk with her just the two of you?

Original poster
kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 23:05

SarahAndQuack · 19/09/2023 23:01

Well, you started a whole thread to talk about him.

You said in your thread title you were 'in love' with him - which seems unlikely if all the feelings are on your side.

Honestly, you don't need to start a thread, and you don't need to fish for support. That is just going to make things worse.

It's not a 'thoroughly shitty situation' yet - it's just really uncomfortable when you feel as if you might be able to fall for someone, and they're spoken for. But, you just need to be sensible and stop acting as if it's a big deal. Just tell yourself firmly that he's off limits, and stop listening to the little voice that's telling you to keep talking about it all. I guarantee it's the only thing that will work.

Show quote history

No. I started a thread to talk about the situation.

Is unrequited love really that unfamiliar a concept?

You’ve clearly never been in this situation, and I’m happy for you, and I hope you never are.

OP posts:
LadyWhineglass · 19/09/2023 23:06

Your friend is going to wonder what she’s done wrong if you start avoiding them.

Original poster
kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 23:06

Meadowlands · 19/09/2023 23:02

I do feel for you OP. Many years ago a similar thing happened to me. Unfortunately we cannot control our feelings, but we can control the situation and I agree that unfortunately going NC is the only way.
But very tricky for you to give a reason to your friend for not seeing her.
I really hope it all works out for you.

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 19/09/2023 23:08

How long have you actually known him?

JFDIYOLO · 19/09/2023 23:08

Keep away from them both.

This is merely nature trying to get you pregnant.

Find your own man.