In love with friend’s DH

[kerrypacker]

Not really an AIBU (as I am BU, obviously - but not intentionally so!) Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced this, and if so how on earth did you handle it?! Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH, which means I have over time got to know friend’s DH (FDH) better. To my horror as I get to know him better I’ve started to feel like this is someone I could really deeply fall for - everything I’ve ever looked for. Not something I would ever act on, and friend and FDH are very happy so it would make no difference if I did.

I’m trying to keep this brief, but it’s horribly upsetting. It’s not a situation I’ve looked for at all, and I’m not someone who typically falls for or goes after people in relationships. I’m also not talking about shallow feelings - they are powerful and I’m really struggling to get over this man.

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody.

Sorry for all of the harsh judgment you are getting on here. I have experienced something similar and I promise it has faded. I still need to see this person regularly and we have fallen into an easy rapport although I keep firm boundaries, am more guarded than I am with other male friends, and I try not to be alone with him!! I have also grown to see him as more of a nuanced/flawed human being over time rather than the God I once thought he was :-)

See it for what it means, you know the sort of person you are looking for, and if found you are ready for it.

Avoid and think of washing his skiddy pants and him farting in bed!

I feel for you, its horrible having a crush on someone you cant have. That said, my advice is:

1. Take responsibility for the part you are playing in this -how you are fuelling this crush in your mind. Eg are you daydreaming about him? are you fantasising about him?- this usually always happens when we are attracted to someone- you need to stop yourself doing this immediately. This is making your feelings worse and its based on a fantasy version of him in your mind. Sure, he might be a great guy but I bet living with him is a different story. Everyone has their annoying habits and unattractive moments but you dont see them because you arent living with him. If your mind is really going to town imagining all the best parts of him the attraction will get more intense so focus on reducing that aspect.
2. Re-frame this situation in your mind. Eg instead of thinking "omg I like him so much, but he's married, this is hopeless and I'm going to have to lose my friend" change this to: "this proves that there are decent men out there and if my friend has found one, so can I. Now I know what kind of qualities I am searching for in a man, I am in a better place to find it myself"
3. Broaden your focus. He isnt the only avenue where you could find happiness, there are likely lots of amazing guys around in the area where you live so focus on going out and living your life and be open to other opportunities and meeting other people. When we narrow our window of happiness and assume it can only be found in one specific person it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that only causes us misery
4. For now, focus on meeting your friend alone on shopping trips, coffee, cinema, or whatever you tend to do together. If the rest of your life is interesting and fulfilling this obsession with him will pass in time but you do need to take action as above. Whatever we fuel in our minds, grows, so bear that in mind. This isnt hopeless, it happens, and it can be dealt with without having to cause anyone any hurt.

I had this happen once, there was nothing for it but to let the friendship fizzle out 🤷‍♀️

That sounds really tough, OP.

How long have you known him/ felt like this for?

I ask because sometimes these things do pass with time.

I had a bit of a crush on an attached friend years ago (he was with another of my friends). I knew nothing would ever come of it and it would just cause too much pain all round to act on it. Over time of just telling myself that repeatedly, the feelings have minimised and don't trouble me any more. It takes time, but I'm very glad I didn't just run away from the whole situation, because they are very good friends of mine, and you don't find that every day.

I would think carefully before giving up the friendship as many people on here are suggesting. But you do need to try and somehow figure out if you're strong enough to push through this without hurting anyone. It won't be easy. Perhaps some counselling would help.

You need to tell yourself that he isn’t interested in you.
You are wasting your time on this crush because he will never reciprocate the feelings.

I would try and avoid him as much as you can.
Most couples don’t socialise with each others friends that often, so just meet your friend at a bar/coffee shop/park just the two of you.

The main thing you need to do is get on a dating site and go and find someone of your own.
This will take your mind off of him and help you find whatever it is you’re looking for.

Op are you single?

all this mooning after this bloke, declaring yourself in love. You only think it’s shitty as he’s not interested in you and with someone else, your friend.

stop wallowing and fantasising about him. And grow up. Focus on your own relationship if you have one or crack on with on line dating. And start being a better friend.

OP when I have had any type of crush on a man that is unsuitable I always think about the reality.

Him being gross in the bathroom, the fact that no penis and balls look nice. He's probably crap in bed and farts all the time in front of your friend.

This knocks it on the head for me every time.

Your friend, you need to arrange to see her just on your own.

Just remember that crush is nothing more than lack of information.

Just wait and see/imagine who he asctually is in real life.
All the porn he watches, toilet seat up, shouty male sneezes, sexist, toe nail clip around..etc.
See the man he is, not the fantasy you want.
Be realistic.

You're not "in love" with him at all. You've got the hots for him, you fancy him and/or you wish you'd met him or someone like him. Nothing special. Stay away from him and get a grip of yourself. Telling yourself you're "in love" is encouraging yourself to continue in this silliness. "Love" is long term togetherness and building a life together.

This is spot on, and only something I appreciate now I’m sooo much older!!
I had a complete crush on my friends boyfriend when we were 19. He was an absolutely THE only man for me. But even at 19, I knew I couldn’t act on it. I’m so glad I rode it out (unfortunate turn of phrase!) but essentially time dealt with it. Btw he turned out to be a cheater, they split up, and she’s probably my closest friend 30+ years later. I’m glad I didn’t throw away our friendship over a man (who actually made a pass at me at 21, which was so bizarre since it was what i obsessed about two years earlier). Anyway, stay away from both of the, for now and put your attentions on other things or people is my advice!

Try think about things of him that are really annoying. Even if it his shoes etc. that may sound weird but I once liked someone, he wasn’t with anyone but clearly wasn’t interested in me. And one day I noticed his shoes were awful. And the more I thought about it the more I went off him 😂
And would you be up for going on dates?
maybe if you start dating other guys your mind will start to change on things.
Also try to remind yourself this is a false situation, so if they weren’t together everything would change even your feelings. So it would never ever work.
but sorry you are going through this. Sounds difficult.
also can you ask your friend for some girl time just the two of you?
sorry if this has all been suggested already!

This is merely nature trying to get you pregnant.

What?🤣
No it’s not.

Op, sorry if I’ve missed it but you don’t say whether you are in a relationship or not?

The only time I have had this happen to me is when I’ve been in a miserable relationship.

Luckily I saw it for what it was, a symptom of the deep unhappiness I was feeling.

It was NOT that my friend had just happened to pick my long lost soulmate, and introduced us star-crossed lovers in a cruel twist of fate.

It was just that he was a half-decent bloke, and my limerence filled in the gaps.

I left my abusive partner and all those deep feelings vanished in a puff of smoke.

Is there something in your life that you are struggling to change, that is making you very unhappy?

I've had this before with a good friend of mine. Staying away didn't help. It just made both of us sad. Him as I was being cold for seemingly no reason, me because 'absence makes the heart... '

I just had to bite my tongue, repeat, 'its a crush, it's a crush,' in my head.
I also tried hard to imagine him as an old man and think about the inevitable arguments we would end up having. He's very extroverted and makes a tonne of stupid jokes which is great but would no doubt become very irritating to me. He drinks too much, he works all the time, etc etc.

It passed. It will pass. Also think about the great friendship you'd be risking. That for me almost made it not worth it.

I don’t think you should necessarily avoid him (think it’ll make it worse). But it will pass, we all have feelings we can’t control, perhaps accepting you feel this way and letting it slide over you rather than trying to battle it will help?

I ruined a lovely marriage (mine) for something like this. We got together, justified the affair by getting married ourselves to "prove" it was real and had been worth it. Few years later, that imperative feeling that we had to act on was totally gone in the mundanity of life and we split up. It was the strongest urge / compulsion I've ever felt, but yes it fades in the face of reality.

No-one is "meant to be together" in some kind of destiny way. That gets used a lot to justify affairs but it's crap. Even if they do go on to be happy, that doesn't mean it justifies betrayal.

Limerence is absolutely a thing. Unless you’ve been through it, you won’t understand it and to tell people who have been through that their feelimgs aren’t valid is disgusting.

And limerence isn’t about adultery. A single person can develop it for another single person.

OP hasn’t said that. She knows she needs to stay away from this man.

You have received some really harsh advice here OP, with a lot of women really projecting.

First of all, I believe that your feelings for him are strong and should be recognised as such. However, I don't think that you need to let yourself be ruled by them, and would suggest you try to observe your feelings a bit. Phillipa Perry outlines this concept excellently in this column: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/may/21/i-am-consumed-by-a-crush-but-we-are-both-married-philippa-perry

I have never experienced what you are experiencing OP, but I do remember feeling exasperated at how easy my friendships with my friends boyfriends were when I was a single person in my 20s who was chronically unlucky in love. I am presuming you are single and unhappily so?

I now realise that these men were designated as 'safe' for me to explore a meaningful connection with, in a way that single men perhaps weren't at the time, both for my own reasons and societal ones.

What might be helpful for you is to consider what is it about this man that you so admire? I bet you could find similar with somebody else. But I also bet you are convinced you can't as you approaching this with a scarcity mindset.

Or could you develop these characteristics you admire in him, yourself, so that you aren't looking for that externally? Do they mean trusting yourself a little bit more in your career so you can go for a promotion? Do they mean pursuing a hobby you have always been interested in? Do they mean further education, training or travel? I would really take some time to examine these questions.

I think finding yourself pining for a person might often mean you are pining for something else, yes possibly a relationship, but maybe other fulfilment elsewhere as well.

Haven't rtft only your comments OP so possibly someone has mentioned this, but there is a word for what you are experiencing:

Limerence

And you can heal from it.

Has he given you any reason to think he might be interested?
My limerence started when an attached guy was quite flirtatious, and that was it!
I worked hard to do nothing about it, distanced myself and kept busy. I really recommend the keeping busy.
Even something that takes your mind off it for half an hour a day helps at first.
I have suffered with anxiety and ocd and have poor attachment styles and I can tell you limerence is real and it’s torture!
I feel for you Op.

I don’t understand why you can’t see your friend without her DH tagging along? I have plenty of friends and see their DHs maybe once or twice a year in passing or at a “special event” like a wedding.

It’s baffling to me that people invariably recommend thinking of the crush object on the loo/cutting his toenails. I mean, everyone goes to the toilet. It’s hardly a viable reason to be revolted by someone.

And there’s really no reason to assume the OP is deluding herself. Maybe she has really happened to encounter someone very suited to her, with whom she could have had a happy longterm relationship. It’s irrelevant. He’s not free.

The time this happened to me, he and I were both happily married, and I was very fond of his wife. He was a wonderful man and in other circumstances, I think we could have been happy together. But, like I said, irrelevant, as neither of us was single. I just had to ride out the feelings in silence.

It’s painful, but I don’t think dismissing the OP’s feelings as silly, delusional, or calling them predatory is the slightest help. Maybe if circumstances had been different, she and this man could have married and been happy. But not in these circumstances.