In love with friend’s DH

[kerrypacker]

Not really an AIBU (as I am BU, obviously - but not intentionally so!) Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced this, and if so how on earth did you handle it?! Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH, which means I have over time got to know friend’s DH (FDH) better. To my horror as I get to know him better I’ve started to feel like this is someone I could really deeply fall for - everything I’ve ever looked for. Not something I would ever act on, and friend and FDH are very happy so it would make no difference if I did.

I’m trying to keep this brief, but it’s horribly upsetting. It’s not a situation I’ve looked for at all, and I’m not someone who typically falls for or goes after people in relationships. I’m also not talking about shallow feelings - they are powerful and I’m really struggling to get over this man.

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody.

Good advice to look elsewhere for the qualities you admire in him.

In terms of getting over these particular feelings though, the tactic that worked for me with a crush I couldn’t avoid was actively trying to give myself the ick. I looked for things like mannerisms that might annoy me if we actually were together, and imagined some extras like him leaving wet towels all over the bed. It worked well as I still appreciate his good points as a colleague at work but the inappropriate thoughts have gone away!

Like a previous poster has suggested I think you need to reframe your thoughts. Try to go from “I’m so in love with Dave” to “Tanya is so lucky to have found a man like Dave - I would like to find a man like him… caring, kind “ or whatever his characteristics are that you like.

Imagine your friend bought a beautiful house… 5 bedrooms, glamorous kitchen, sweeping lawns and you were living in a not so nice bedsit. It would be natural to be jealous and to admire your friends house, to think how lovely it would be to live there…but you can’t have it. You need to work on getting your own nice house. Same with the boyfriend. You might find him lovely but he’s hers and you need to find your own. There are other nice houses and there are other nice men.

It may be that the qualities you admire in him are actually ones you wish you had yourself. Think about what those qualities might be and how you can develop them in yourself and in your own life. As you pursue this the crush will melt away.

Take up knitting.

I’ve never been in your situation because no matter how handsome, how interesting, how intelligent and charming my friends’ husbands may have been, I understood the reality that they were my friends’ husbands. I grasped that reality quite easily.
They were off-limits.

My apologies if you aren’t, but you certainly sound like a middle school-girl with a crush on her teacher.

Put your imagination aside, remember your limitations and stop. Stop making excuses, stop with the wild imagination and stop the fantasies. It’s embarrassing.
Your “friend” would be embarrassed for you and so would her husband, I might add.

This is deep into cringe territory.

Perhaps it is the case that you see what a good and attractive husband he is and you wish you had the same as your friend. But of course he wouldn t be the same.husband with you as he is with her. It 's the combination of the two
of them that makes him what he is.
I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. You hardly know your friend's husband, you can't possibly have developed strong feelings for him. You're making this man into a fantasy

Exactly, fucking hell. You have a crush, you're an adult, and you can deal with it. You're making this into so much more than what it is. You remind me of myself when I was "in love" with John Taylor from Duran Duran, expect I was a 13 year old teenage idiot.

You barely know Mr. Fabulous and you know he's completely off limits. I promise he's not as perfect as he seems, and you're just projecting your fantasies upon this mere mortal. Take a cold shower and get ahold of yourself.

Try going on dates with other guys. The best way to get over someone is to move on to someone else. It also helps to stay busy, especially with social type things. Good time to try a new hobby! You can't just "stay away" from him when it's your feelings and thoughts that are with him. You have to replace that energy with something else. It's okay to long for someone. Everyone has either gone through something like this or is capable of it. They would never admit it lol. You aren't doing anything wrong. It's not easy but you'll get over him.

I read a similar post a few years ago. One poster advised to the OP to imagine him telling her he’d just sharted, or to imagine him walking naked out of the bathroom with a bit of toilet paper stuck to his dick.
HTH lol

Breathe. You are alive. You know what a good match is. Now you need to keep that heart of yours available for the one |: Yours, someone with all those qualities that you have detected and some more. So when you see Mr. Nice acknowledge him for what he is : not Mr. perfect.

I love this analogy of the house.

@HedgehogPrincess That’s a great perspective and another way to look at it.

@kerrypacker There are some very understanding and helpful comments. Don’t be put off by any harsh or judgmental comments. Skip over those and focus on the comments that help you.

See your friend on your own for the next year or so. Have an excuse ready for why you can't see them both. Date, date, date and don't think about him. Without any fuel, your feelings will eventually go.
And ignore the people on here who seem ready to chuck blame in your direction. As far as I can see, you're acknowledging a difficult situation and pre-empting trouble down the line.

You too! Sadly I was older then 13 and actually dated someone to get closer to him. It didn't work lol youth!

I started to feel this way about a married colleague, a couple of years back.

It was my first time feeling that way in a long time as I had been married for many years.

When I was younger, I had bought into the idea that it was impossible to control your feelings and that falling in love was something that just happened, but I read about limerance, which in my head is basically another word for falling in love, only more prosaic and less loaded.

And having thought about it, I realised I was idealising this man and allowing my thoughts to wander there, and that as an adult, I did actually have some control over those things. I thought how embarrassing it would be if I started to blush whenever he spoke to me and I realised that part of the reason I was indulging those thoughts was because it’s so alluring feeling that way about someone.

And because I stopped thinking about how helpless I felt in the face of those impossible to control feelings, and started to think practically, that actually I did have some self-control and could stop those thoughts every time they entered my head, I found I was able to do so. The feelings didn’t entirely disappear, but I was amazed to find how much control I had, compared with when I was telling myself a different story.

I think the concept of limerance is useful, even if it effectively means much the same as having a crush or falling in love, because it’s not a loaded term, filled with expectations and preconceptions, which falling in love is.

Good luck, OP.

You need to question, why him? Why now? OP.

Your feelings are less to do with this 'ideal' man, and absolutely about you.

What does this guy potentially offer that your partner lacks? What's missing?

Also, your childhood - what have you always craved but never got? Everyone has something.

Work out that stuff and the feelings will clear like the the mists of a dream.

I'd avoid see him.
Have you considered counselling? There may be a reason why you have opted for someone unattainable.

You don't love him as you have (I presume) never kissed him, dated him, seen him at his worst, his best, you never relied on him for support, never asked him to do you favours, never done favours for him, never dealt with a challenging situation together, never had to clean up after him, never had sex with him , never had to compromise with him.

You have a crush on someone you feel a connection with based on your interpretation of who he is and that fact you get on well in social situations.

OP this is painful and it will pass. Don't cut off your friend, just make sure you see her mainly on her own. I had an experience like this and it made me reflect on what was missing from my own life that I thought this person would supply.

I'm interested in the limerence critiques, but it is true that big crushes do just fade if you keep away from the person.
It's just simply not the same as something like grief that can go on for your whole life.
So when people are talking about limerence, they are just trying to say "it will pass, distract yourself". Which is good advice when the person in question is happily married.

I think dealing with crushes is a really interesting part of being an adult. It's a completely new game from when you're a teenager or in your twenties. It makes you feel alive but you also have to learn how to control it. And that can be exhilarating too, and very self-affirming.

Distance yourself immediately, it’s the only course of action. Eventually you’ll come out the other side when your mind moves on. Distract yourself with other activities, exercise, whatever it takes.

It will pass.

Why can't you see her without him? Surely you can engineer that for a while?

I don't doubt you have feelings for him but I'm very sure those feelings are more about what's missing in your own life than about him. You can't really fall in love with someone who isn't reciprocating because the dynamic isn't love it's limerance. Assuming he's not giving you any return signals? You need to get out there and date a few people and see if you can transfer your attention to someone else IMO.

You have the potential to really embarrass yourself here. Reduce contact with your friend and when you do see her make sure it is just her. You know nothing will ever happen with him so you just have to distance yourself and get rational.

Sorry you're dealing with this. If it makes you sad, probably best to stop seeing them both. If it makes you happy and you won't act on your feelings, then there's no harm in seeing them.

Throupling is a thing in celebrity circles apparently, but I'm not sure how practical it is in daily life.

I have been on the receiving end of this more than once and it rarely ends well. On both occasions the dh made it impossible for me to remain friends with my otherwise good friends as it became so obvious, and became so awkward. I couldn’t stand it, and had no intention of reciprocating.

I would stop seeing him altogether and see your friend alone from now on.