In love with friend’s DH

[kerrypacker]

Not really an AIBU (as I am BU, obviously - but not intentionally so!) Just wondering whether anyone else has experienced this, and if so how on earth did you handle it?! Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH, which means I have over time got to know friend’s DH (FDH) better. To my horror as I get to know him better I’ve started to feel like this is someone I could really deeply fall for - everything I’ve ever looked for. Not something I would ever act on, and friend and FDH are very happy so it would make no difference if I did.

I’m trying to keep this brief, but it’s horribly upsetting. It’s not a situation I’ve looked for at all, and I’m not someone who typically falls for or goes after people in relationships. I’m also not talking about shallow feelings - they are powerful and I’m really struggling to get over this man.

There isn’t any solution really, but if anyone has experienced the same, that would (weirdly) be some comfort… not that I would wish this on anybody.

I agree this isn't love or incipient love - this is a crush or an infatuation.

I'm old and have been married over 35 years. I've been where you are, even after I got married. Met or worked with men who thrilled me and who I thought about constantly. They gave me frissons of excitement completely lacking in my day to day routine with my husband. I'm sure if I hadn't been married I could have had happy relationships with some of them. Maybe even a lasting one.

BUT I was married (and some of them were too) so it was a total no go area. I kept away or kept things firmly professional and the feelings faded. I'm glad they did because I now have a lifetime of a faithful marriage with depths of love, connection and history that far outweigh the thrills of a brief flirtation.

I look back on some of those crushes with affection. They bought some fairy tale glamour into an otherwise humdrum phase of my life but they were just crushes. If I'd acted on my feelings it would have been disastrous and possibly humiliating.

It’s a crush,a romantic fantasy. This guy ticks a few of your boxes for a potential partner and you’ve ticked the rest of them yourself. Do you have form for getting crushes on unavailable/unattainable men?

For goodness sake, why are you trying to encourage her. Because you did it to someone’s husband too? Bottom line is this man isn’t interested and he’s in love with her friend, so no, under no circumstances could this mills and boons nonsense occur that you’re writing. I mean it’s not like they ever had a relationship so know a happy marriage was feasible/

do try to remember this is a man she hardly knows, her friends husband. And he’s not interested.

WTF is limerence?

which is heartbreaking as she’s a really good friend

No, actually, what is heartbreaking here is that this woman is friends with someone who coverts her husband, and given the chance might ruin her life for her.

I don't have sympathy for you sorry. Women have it hard enough without their best mates waiting for an inroad to take a wrecking ball to your life. I hope your friend has her spider senses on and catches onto this quick.

I know lots of rubbish and lots of decent blokes. A couple of my friends have very decent husbands; funny, caring, romantic, clever, great dads, hard working and nice looking. I wouldn't allow myself to think anything romantic about them due to the respect I feel for my friend, and anything to do with their DH's, I go through my friend.

You need your own bloke, and then you wouldn't t be covering your friend's DH, who is taken.

No, actually, what is heartbreaking here is that this woman is friends with someone who coverts her husband, and given the chance might ruin her life for her

Shes not actually going to do that though is she?

I feel for you and I actually think this is more common than it seems! You and your friend have probably got similar tastes and outlook on life .She has chosen a partner you may have done if he were free .Sadly hes not.I dont see why you have to see them as a couple though? Surely most women like a coffee together or a shopping trip without their hubby in tow.Why not say to her "Hi Sal ,wonder if you fancy a coffee/shopping on Saturday,Shall we make it just the two of us " If she asks why ,just say you would like a "girly" chat .

@kerrypacker

I’d say part of it is that you know he’s a nice fella and makes your friend happy with his many good qualities, so he comes pre-approved.

I used to have a massive thing for an engaged friend. I didn’t act on it but it was often overwhelming. So what I did was tell another discreet and supportive friend. That helped because I knew they were watching me, if that makes sense, it provided a level of insurance, because I asked them to tell me if it was apparent. They wouldn’t have been supportive of any nonsense at my end and it wore off eventually. I focused on his soon-to-be-wife and constantly reminded myself of her existence. ‘He’s not meant for me’ sort of thing. When I had ‘what if’ thoughts I replaced them with thoughts of what would happen if I acted on them, the damage it would cause. I suppose, just constantly prodding my conscience awake. You can’t help having feelings but you can control your behaviour. If you’re not a great actress, maybe you need to avoid being around him, and certainly don’t be around him alone.

Given what you stand to lose in terms of your friendship, I think that might work for you. The danger of telling anyone is it might get back to her, but you can do the same technique. Imagine someone watching your interactions. Imagine something you did breaking her heart. Imagine the terrible damage your feelings could cause if you act on them.

Since you know these feelings are misplaced, and clearly love and value your friend, I think that could work.

I've not been in your exact situation OP. But I have sympathy and think people have given you a hard time on this thread. You can't help who you fall in love with/have a crush on. But like others have said, the only way is to avoid seeing him and over time forget about him. The fastest way to do that is to meet someone else who will take your mind off him.

You need to pull back from seeing friend and her future DH as often, and let it pass.

You could go the other way and just enjoy this crush for what it is OP - a fantasy. IMO it's telling you there's something missing in your life, you're lonely or bored or in a rut.
I wouldn't back off from the friend, just concentrate more on what's missing from your life and once that gap is filled you'll soon get over this. I agree it's limerence, hugely intense feelings for someone that feels like love - but isn't real love, and isn't reciprocated. Something that you make much more of in your head than actually exists. It's the adult version of a teen crush.

Only when it's a woman! If it was a man he would be a scumbag.

It's a crush with a thesaurus.

I think you’ve (for whatever reason) developed an unhealthy obsession

The way you describe how you feel aligns with the obsessive/intrusive thoughts linked to stress, anxiety or even OCD.

Feeling “distressed” and upset, desperate to talk to someone about your thoughts are an indicator that you’re using this fantasy as a coping mechanism but it’s causing you mental distress.

So what if you feel a connection with this man? Why is it causing you so much angst?

You’ll encounter more men in your lifetime that you might fancy or feel drawn to.
Are you going to act this way every time? Torturing yourself, convincing yourself you’re in love/ heart broken/ distressed/can’t cope with your feelings?

Its normal to feel attracted to other men.

it’s far from normal to develop this level of obsession in your head and for it to cause this level of distress.

@Middleagedmeangirls great advice

Good friend (from uni, now live in different cities but see each other every so often) has gradually got more serious with their now recently-married DH

What does this even mean?

Agree with the PP who said nature is trying to get you pregnant.

It's what the OP is experiencing. It's a mental health issue, where you 'fall in love' with an unobtainable person as a way to deflect from childhood or other trauma. It's extremely painful and debilitating and people can potentially lose years of their life to limerent 'relationships'. There's a lot of help and understanding available now. Google it and find out.

I was going to say that it wouldn’t be unusual if you had the same taste in men given you’re friends.

I also know if two couple where the man has gone off with the “best friend” so I get all the acerbic comments. The fall out is absolutely horrendous and it’s double the betrayal by two people rather than if the DH goes off with someone random. It also affected the whole friendship group badly with most never contacting either of them again.

Tell yourself that whoever is the one will find you eventually . You can fancy him as much as you want but you will do nothing to provoke his interest. Don’t bring up his name, discuss him or be around him. You have much to lose in this situation

I found the idea of limerance very helpful recently when I had an overdeveloped crush on someone. It was was beyond fancying them or idly wondering about them, rather seeing them as the solution to your problems. So, I could go on holiday, I could have kids, if I was with X. Of course, this intense fantasy is just that, a fantasy and whilst it highlights what you would like in life, it's not offering any of the things you need. I read about limerance, decided that's what it was and then it just wore off fairly quickly once I realised what it was and not that it was some magic bond that couldn't be replicated elsewhere. It burst the delusion bubble.

The OP describes what the phrase “in love with” has meant for many centuries, if not the whole of human existence, and is the foundation of much art and literature. Dismissing it as something else, lesser, or more technical doesn’t really change it.
OP, as others have said, unrequited love is painful, but the feelings will fade if you don’t cling to them. Best of luck.

I think this is right, sorry.

I get terrible crushes on famous people sometimes, and I know you just have to wait for them to pass and not get mentionitis.

It is just a crush, you’re not in love. He’s your friend’s DH.

I also agree with making sure you never see him, or as little as possible.

Well, you could do what my friend did. Drunkenly ask at the wedding whether he has a brother, stay friends with the wife for a decade, wait until she’s dying, say you want to help her more, then use it as an excuse to finally start a relationship with her husband and marry him BEFORE she dies. Now I have an ex-friend, an ex-husband, I’m still fucking dying, and these have been some of the hardest and worst years of my life, when the worst and hardest physical years are still coming right now.

So please… distance yourself. If you feel that strongly about him, there really is nothing good that can come of it. If you can’t put aside your feelings, if you can’t ignore them, if it’s now become this much of an issue to you mentally, if you can’t be her friend without thinking about him… just distance yourself.

This is really interesting. This sounds like what I get.

I agree this is a mental health issue.

It’s based on fantasy but in op’s case has developed into a consuming obsession and intrusive thoughts she finds upsetting and unable to control.

Imagine if you met an available man and reacted like this ? When you hardly know them and aren’t in a relationship 🤨

Describing them as “everything you’ve ever looked for in a man” “an intense powerful love” that’s all consuming.

You must see that your mind set is delusional and completely irrational.