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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 4th child

264 replies

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

OP posts:
Crocadoodledoo · 21/09/2023 21:48

How can you bring yourself to have sex with this foul creature? Just stop doing it! You don’t have to- it’s not compulsory. Unless he coerces you into that too?

RampantIvy · 21/09/2023 21:58

Every time an acquaintance with three or more children is expecting another baby, he says, “how come she can do it and toy won’t/can’t?”?

"Because I don't want to" is enough and should be enough.

fulawitt · 21/09/2023 22:02

Confirm that you love him. "If you could you would but you can't. Do not budge.

MsRosley · 21/09/2023 22:07

I'd have thought this was a moot point given your chances of conceiving at 43 are negligible. But if you're having thoughts of divorce, you'd have to be insane to even try.

OrangeSlices998 · 21/09/2023 22:10

Your body, your choice if you get your tubes tied, you don’t need his permission.

He sounds like a prize knob, do you have many friends/family nearby?

Reigateforever · 21/09/2023 22:43

I am sorry to have to say this but I wouldn’t trust the use of condoms as birth control.

Manthide · 21/09/2023 22:59

I had a 4th at age 42 and looking back I don't know what I was thinking. Now I'm in my late 50s, dh is in his 60s and we're still having to find money for piano lessons, school trips etc. Of course dd3 is lovely but our eldest two are in their 30s and even ds in his 3rd year at university I do think it was not one of my better ideas. Also I has 4 c sections. It's easy for dh to want another baby but he has the easy part.

Yestostructure · 21/09/2023 23:05

Don't do it. Also if you want to get your tubes tied that's your business not his, he does not 'allow' you to do this. Let him 'grieve' but stand your ground and enjoy that freedom when your youngest starts school!

letthemalldoone · 21/09/2023 23:05

neveradullmoment99 · 21/09/2023 19:34

Really? FFS

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This "thinking of the planet" stuff does my head in!

I mean, who actually follows the thought process of wanting another baby, and decides not to, "to save the planet"??? Really??!

DancingFerret · 21/09/2023 23:17

I haven't read all the responses and apologise if this aspect has already been raised, but you both need to consider the psychological and social impact of elderly parents. Assuming you become pregnant now, you will probably be the 50-year-old mother of a six-year-old and while some elderly parents have a lot to offer, it's not ideal - and children can be very cruel when they realise the older woman waiting at the school gates is his or her mother.

That was my reality it's not, along with other "elderly parent problems", something I would wish on any child.

Manthide · 21/09/2023 23:25

Pallisers · 21/09/2023 18:01

Op, it seems to me your husband uses motherhood to control you. In fact I would say he doesn't miss the baby phase - he misses the phase where you had to put up with him barking orders and undermining you. He doesn't like that you are now back at work and forging a career. He is fine with risking your health because that will affect you and he is fine with risking a child with SN because he will fully intend for that to only affect you too.

This is a major red flag.

please please take complete control of your fertility - don't trust him or the condoms. I would get an iud/mirena if I were you - mightn't even tell him.

And very very few women have a 4th c-section at the age of 43/44. So no, other women don't do it.

Show quote history

I had my 4th c section at the age of 42. It was actually the best one I had. The decision to have a 4th was mine, dh was pretty neutral. Looking back that was the easy time, much harder in your late 50s/ middle 60s (dh) with a teenager still at school!

Batalax · 21/09/2023 23:39

It’s horrible to read about the other thread. I agree it’s all about controlling you. If you can’t leave yet, go to the doctors and get a secret iud fitted. You really don’t want to get pregnant now and I wouldn’t trust him not to pin prick a hole in all the condoms.

THEDEACON · 21/09/2023 23:39

At 43 and after 3sections it would be a flat Not happening from me AND I wouldn't be having sex until there's an other form of contraception in place

Pallisers · 21/09/2023 23:42

Manthide · 21/09/2023 23:25

I had my 4th c section at the age of 42. It was actually the best one I had. The decision to have a 4th was mine, dh was pretty neutral. Looking back that was the easy time, much harder in your late 50s/ middle 60s (dh) with a teenager still at school!

Show quote history

yes some women do have 4th c sections. And some even do at age 42. Ethel Kennedy did way more than that/ That doesn't make it usual or the kind of thing any woman would want to do or risk free.

have you read the OP's posts? Did you not think this was a discussion about an abusive man rather than c sections over the age of 40?

GoldenSpangles · 21/09/2023 23:59

I'd absolutely go on the pill or get an IUD and simply not tell him. I can certainly see him having a go with a darning needle on those condoms or having one slip off. Where are all these women he knows in their mid forties having their fourth child after three c-sections? As for the poster who thought you might be a candidate for VBAC in your mid forties after three c-sections, words fail me.

He sounds like a dreadful father too. I certainly wouldn't be inflicting him on a puppy let alone a baby. A dog is an extra burden when you're thinking of leaving so please don't get a puppy.

As for the pastor thinking two virgins was the secret to a good marriage! All that stuff about common interests, fair sharing of work, compatible values etc just falls away I suppose for two virgins. You must have been extremely gullible. Don't carry on being gullible by trusting your husband is a good man who is incapable of sabotaging a condom after three years of whining about another child. Too bad if it has Down syndrome or autism and guess who will be giving up their job to look after it?

I can nearly guarantee your children will rebel as teenagers given your husband's behaviour. He's a dreadful bully now but I don't think he's going to find it easy to do this with a 17 year old. I think the best chance for your children if you stay with him would be for them to leave home asap and cut him off. They will blame you too if you stay with him.

Ihadenough22 · 22/09/2023 00:26

Your 43 and already have 3 young children. You had c sections. Your kids are out of the toddler stage and your beginning to get your life back again. Your doing further education and planning to go back to work. Getting pregnant at your age and with your previous history is a bad idea. You don't want to end up in poor health or with a child with special needs.
You have to consider the children you already have and as they get older the costs will rise.

My feeling that your husband wants everything his way. He did not do much when his children were babies and now that your not pregnant, coping with a a few babies he wants you back to this stage again.
I would tell him now that you have decided that your are not going to have another baby at 43 years of age and he needs to accept this.
I would also tell him since he won't get the snip you won't be having sex with him until after your tubes are tied.
I let him know as well that you will tell his parents, relatives and friends that he has been pestering you for a 4th child at 43 years of age and can't understand the word no.

The reality is that by the time your youngest finishes university you will be close to retirement age. You don't know what the future holds. As you get older you may want to work less hours, could have health issues or could be made redundant.

Yazzi · 22/09/2023 02:52

OP I was going to say neither of you are being unreasonable just on different pages- until your updates. Your husband is still lucky to have a wife and live full time with his children after treating you like that, and him not getting his dream fourth is a consequence of his own actions with the other three.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 22/09/2023 03:05

"How come other women do...?" Probably because they're not married to abusive bullies.

Do not, at all costs, have another child with him and look for a way to make a safe escape for you and your children

Lalalalala555 · 22/09/2023 09:55

You've said no. Multiple times.. He needs to stop asking. It's not fair.
Your body your choice.

And it's unfair of him to expect you to provide a 'solution' to his grief. The potential kid no4 would grow up anyway. And then he'd have the greif all over again.
It sounds like he has problems he needs to work on. And instead is trying to put them onto you.

Its important your partner respects you and supports you and cares about your wellbeing. That is the bare minimum.

I honestly would tell him it's unfair to put pressure on you when you have made your mind up. For several years.
He needs to get help for his greif and stop bring it up anymore and stressing you.

If he doesn't I'd leave him. It's not okay.

You are a person, not a baby making machine void of the right to choice, feelings and concern about your own wellbeing.

MawSandra · 22/09/2023 10:02

Apart from all the other good points made, I'm guessing from what you say that you've been doing most of the work looking after your children so far. If he'd thought ahead he could've taken a lot of that work off you so you'd be keener to have a 4th. (Not that I ever would have, in your position, after 3 c sections). Whatever he says now, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

fulawitt · 22/09/2023 10:28

Iud mate. Don't take chances with a condom.

Hereforaglance · 22/09/2023 16:15

If u eanted another child and he didn't would he be unreasonable to say be thankful for the thre kids u got or would you get ur way put urself in his shoes for five minutes and maybe hold a thing called a conversation with him about it

NumberTheory · 22/09/2023 17:17

Hereforaglance · 22/09/2023 16:15

If u eanted another child and he didn't would he be unreasonable to say be thankful for the thre kids u got or would you get ur way put urself in his shoes for five minutes and maybe hold a thing called a conversation with him about it

Alternatively, you could RTFT.

pointythings · 22/09/2023 17:18

Hereforaglance · 22/09/2023 16:15

If u eanted another child and he didn't would he be unreasonable to say be thankful for the thre kids u got or would you get ur way put urself in his shoes for five minutes and maybe hold a thing called a conversation with him about it

A username well chosen.

RTFT or don't comment.

NoThanksymm · 22/09/2023 17:55

I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this.

You are not being unreasonable.

You mention divorce, please keep looking into that.

he won’t get his tubes snipped - using condoms. He sounds like the kind of guy that will poke holes in them to get his way. Be careful. Get your own tubes tied if you are done done, and not just done with him. You do not need his consent!!

good luck.