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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 4th child

264 replies

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

OP posts:
CandyClouds23 · 21/09/2023 19:23

I knew I was done after 2 kids and asked to have my tubes tied when I had my youngest by c-section. I'm currently 38 and my youngest is 6, also at a stage where I can breathe. I told my partner I was having my tubes tied, it wasn't for discussion, he wouldn't be putting his body through the physical and emotional changes and I wasn't going to be guilted into getting pregnant at a later date and potentially regret it.

pinkyredrose · 21/09/2023 19:23

He sounds fucking terrifying. Keep reminding yourself of the vile way he treated you when the kids were babies.

How can you bear to have sex with him? I'd seriously Ltb. He's a wrong un.

LDNista · 21/09/2023 19:25

It’s very odd that he is so ‘grief stricken’ about his 43 year old wife - already a mother of three - not wanting another baby. The vast majority of women in your situation wouldn’t want another baby. He’s being a ridiculous, selfish arse.

Montsti · 21/09/2023 19:28

If you don’t want a 4th child then don’t have one. You will resent your husband for pushing you into it if it’s not what you want..,

However, it does depend on your reasons. I had my 4th at 41 - all 4 via c section (not into in the UK). Maybe chat to your GP/gynaecologist about the risks as everyone is different..

I certainly don’t regret having 4 and didn’t feel too old at 41 and the recovery wasn’t worse than with my older 3.

Do what feels right for you - don’t feel pressurized though as it’s your body and life..

JaneFarrier · 21/09/2023 19:31

Amgelima · 20/09/2023 15:39

you say he is someone who obviously dislikes me - I think some other people have said similar. Such as “he clearly doesn’t love you” etc.

I am so confused by this. Why would he even bother to marry me and put effort into our life together if he doesn’t care?

why do I find this so confusing? Why am I so shocked and surprised? I think it’s because I have believed his words - and maybe created a narrative in my own mind? Believing that he loves me but struggles to show it when he is in a bad mood?

I have such a hard time believing he doesn’t love me. He has said he loves me. But he has also said, when I asked him to please speak in a kinder / softer voice, “If you don’t like it, LEAVE! Get a divorce!” And that was early on in our marriage. I don’t think he would say it now bc he knows I really would get a divorce. He has since apologised. But maybe that’s his real truth. He doesn’t care.

Show quote history

You know, I don't think it matters whether in his head he "loves" you or not. Maybe in his mind he does, but he isn't acting in anything resembling a loving manner: your second update about him criticising you and comparing you to other women gave me the chills. You aren't happy and it doesn't sound as if you could be, even if he were to back down on the 4th baby question tomorrow.

You seem sensible and clear-sighted. Nothing you have said makes you seem unreasonable, quite the reverse.

I am the same age as you, wanted three kids, but the third didn't happen (circumstances, rather than fertility) and I had a mental "best before" date of 40. I just couldn't see having the energy to be the mother I wanted to be by that point. You are already spread thinner than I was.

Good luck. I hope a few months will see your tubes safely tied and you on the way to getting your freedom.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/09/2023 19:34

LadyOfTheCanyon · 19/09/2023 22:04

It's ok for you to not want to have another child. You have three already.

I'm going to be that person - please don't even consider it. From an ecological perspective you've done more than enough already. Tell your husband you're thinking about the planet. I'm

Really? FFS

Wanttobekind · 21/09/2023 19:35

Wow what an arseholr. Remember your body, your choices. You want your tubes tied - nowt to do with him. For the love of god control the condones yourself as ge sounds like he’d put holes in the packet with a needle to try and get you pregnant.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/09/2023 19:36

Don't have a baby because for your own reasons, not because of the state of the world.

SuperSue77 · 21/09/2023 19:36

I think your chance of twins increases as you get older - imagine if it wasn't baby no.4 but numbers 4 & 5!!

oakleaffy · 21/09/2023 19:38

@Amgelima I pressed YABU by accident
You absolutely are reasonable NOT to want another baby!

Chances of disability ramp up with maternal and ( and paternal) age - People may say that won’t matter- but is it fair on the child You have healthy children-
Why start over.

YukoandHiro · 21/09/2023 19:38

I think you need to get firm with him. It's your body and you simply aren't willing to do it again. Describe everything you've been through in detail back again. Ask him what his plan is for you having a disabled child. For you become disabled by childbirth.
If he won't listen properly insist on couples therapy. Do not let him talk you into a child you know you don't want. The resentment of the early years will likely end the marriage

JaneFarrier · 21/09/2023 19:39

Not a groundless issue, the late-born twins - I know three families this has happened to!

labamba007 · 21/09/2023 19:44

Amgelima · 20/09/2023 09:38

I do wonder about this. It’s true that he loves babies. Part of me thinks he likes the distraction and the sweetness of the baby phase and just wants something exciting and fun to make him happy. Nothing really wrong with loving babies and wanting more in itself, but I do feel he might also have liked how he was able to criticise me and boss me around when I was tired and exhausted and over loaded with the babies. It was one of the hardest times in my life and he played a role in that. Especially with his constant criticism of my mothering and barking orders. I don’t want to go back to that world. When my youngest began nursery, my head cleared and I resumed graduate school and began planning to restart my career (just part time while children are in school). He has expressed resentment towards my career quite a bit. So perhaps this is part of it. He is an involved dad but he was very very hard on me as a mother. He kept making me feel inadequate by saying “how do other women do it?” When I talked about wanting some help or support with three three and under.

This is more than just wanting a fourth child, OP he sounds awful! It's clear he's resentful of your career.

Madsciencecovid2020 · 21/09/2023 19:44

I had 3 children all c section and then had a huge urge for another child as I hit 38. My youngest child at that point was 7 years old and it would totally mean starting from scratch.
I got pregnant and had 4th c section at age 39! Omg it was hard but I have no regrets ! It did take longer to get back in shape and the recovery from 4th c section with some complications in surgery and post surgery infection was slower.
I totally adore my youngest child who is extremely high functioning neurodiverse and he also wants to look like a girl but still be a boy. It has been like having an only child as the older children thought it was fun at the start but then found their younger sibling annoying and don't get me started on the claims of ' you treat him differently!'. Yes his needs are different and how I manage them is different to how I managed them!!
Totally worth it though!!!🙂

Tiredmum100 · 21/09/2023 19:47

Yanbu. I have 2 children, I know I wouldn't be able to cope with even 3, let alone 4, so your husband, by his logic, would think I'm a waste of space then. I'm not like other women 🙄. My dc are 9 and 11, my career is taking off, and I am becoming myself again. We are able to go out and do more without needing to take half the house with us. We have more disposable income. I would not want another baby. Luckily, dh felt the same and had a vasectomy after dc2 was born. Stand your ground. It really does sound like he wants you to have another baby to keep you at home where he wants you. Especially if you have gained qualifications. He knows he's losing his control over you.

Wetblanket78 · 21/09/2023 19:47

They do say you shouldn't have more than 3 c section's. A friend of mine had to get sterilised. After 5 kids the last 3 being c section's. She was told if she had another it would be a major operation and she would be putting her life at risk.

2catsandhappy · 21/09/2023 20:03

Please check those condoms for sabotage.
I have not read your other threads but I hope you find a way to get away with your dc.

DanielsDancingMonkey · 21/09/2023 20:11

When I had my fourth (at 42) the eldest was only 5. It was really quite tiring. It got much harder with every child, partly because of the additional workload, but also because of my additional years.

LadyVorkosigan · 21/09/2023 20:46

Get a contraceptive implant and don't tell him. Carry on using condoms (if you can bear to have sex with him) so that he doesn't suspect anything. And as soon as possible, LTB. Good luck. You deserve better.

Papyrophile · 21/09/2023 20:52

Nobody needs four children.

letthemalldoone · 21/09/2023 21:08

ReadingSoManyThreads · 21/09/2023 18:31

Firstly, @Amgelima a c-section is not a requirement. VBAC is recommended by NICE guidelines up to and including after 4 previous c-sections, so a vaginal birth is an option here.

It sounds like you're done though, and I get that, I'm done too and more than happy with the children I've got and have also got my breathing space back. I wouldn't go back to the baby stage again now.

How involved in the household and parenting is your husband?

As others have said, it's easy for a husband to want more children, but they don't have to spend 9 months growing the baby, birthing the baby, breastfeeding the baby, being attached 24/7 for however long to baby etc. It is so full on and takes a massive toll on our bodies. Your husband is unreasonable if he cannot understand that this is a big thing to ask of you.

Ultimately, it's your choice, which it sounds like you are sure of your decision not to have another, and that's fine. Don't have one just to appease him. It you are done, you need to make it clear to him to stop asking you though, it's not fair to guilt you about it.

There is NO WAY on this earth I would ever take the risk of a vbac after 3 c/sections, and at 43 either!!

Such a shame @Amgelima that you didn't have tubal ligation when you had your 3rd c/section. That's what I did. I had a history of miscarriages and I was 40 having my youngest, and I would never have agreed to a 4th baby!

I agree with the other posters - he doesn't want another baby, and it doesn't sound like he was much good with the three he's had - he just wants to control you.

I hope you have someone IRL that you can turn to here, because this man's treatment of you and your children is so so wrong.

OhwhyOY · 21/09/2023 21:09

Off topic but if your eldest is 8 and youngest is 4 and you only have 3 children how did you have 3 under 3?

TheDuchessOfMN · 21/09/2023 21:12

Maybe one just turned 8 and another is almost 5.

CapEBarra · 21/09/2023 21:16

This is nothing to do with him loving babies. It has everything to do with him wanting to control you. Especially now he can see you getting qualifications, thinking about forging your own career, getting a bit more independence, mixing with people he doesn’t know and can’t control… get your tubes ties or get the Mirena, and think about how you want to proceed. If you have a pastor I’m surprised that condoms are acceptable, so be careful he hasn’t sabotaged them.

Sallyh87 · 21/09/2023 21:19

Not a hope in hell at 43! I’m 35 and I honestly don’t thing my body could take any further strain of pregnancy (2 c sections).

How can other women do it? Who does he know who is having a fourth baby in their mid forties?

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