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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 4th child

264 replies

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

OP posts:
Tiredchicken · 21/09/2023 17:59

First YANBUw
second just to throw in lots of people saying « get your tubes tied » which is fine if that’s what you want but obviously an operation with recovery etc.

you could consider something more effective and longer lasting than condoms like an implant or a coil at least for now till you sort out what you want…or while waiting for op.
they generally last 3-5 years…nhs website has lots of info.

you get to choose whether you put your body through pregnancy again.

MoonShinesBright · 21/09/2023 17:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fundays12 · 21/09/2023 18:01

I am 43 and a mum of 3. They are 11, 6 and 4. There is no way I would want to have a 4th child. The risks are to high at my age and I have only just started to get back some me time. The thought of having a baby brings me out in a cold sweat.

My oldest child has autism and ADHD and is incredibly hard work (10 times the work of the other 2 nuerotypical kids). Has your husband considered that there is a much higher risk of having a child with disabilities and how that would impact on the rest of the family? Is he the one going to be caring for a baby and toddler day to day? Will it be him that has to go a potentially very difficult pregnancy and birth whilst caring for 3 other kids? Nope it's not so he really needs to accept you don't want another child.

Thankfully Dh doesn't want anymore kids either but I wouldn't have had one if he did.

Switcher · 21/09/2023 18:01

I really wish this whole thread wasn't real, but it is, isn't it. I can't believe people are trapped with these awful, awful men. I'm sure there are awful women too, but either way, surely even all the drama of divorce is better. If only custody wasn't such a disaster and he sounds like someone who would go through the courts endlessly.

Pallisers · 21/09/2023 18:01

Amgelima · 20/09/2023 09:38

I do wonder about this. It’s true that he loves babies. Part of me thinks he likes the distraction and the sweetness of the baby phase and just wants something exciting and fun to make him happy. Nothing really wrong with loving babies and wanting more in itself, but I do feel he might also have liked how he was able to criticise me and boss me around when I was tired and exhausted and over loaded with the babies. It was one of the hardest times in my life and he played a role in that. Especially with his constant criticism of my mothering and barking orders. I don’t want to go back to that world. When my youngest began nursery, my head cleared and I resumed graduate school and began planning to restart my career (just part time while children are in school). He has expressed resentment towards my career quite a bit. So perhaps this is part of it. He is an involved dad but he was very very hard on me as a mother. He kept making me feel inadequate by saying “how do other women do it?” When I talked about wanting some help or support with three three and under.

Op, it seems to me your husband uses motherhood to control you. In fact I would say he doesn't miss the baby phase - he misses the phase where you had to put up with him barking orders and undermining you. He doesn't like that you are now back at work and forging a career. He is fine with risking your health because that will affect you and he is fine with risking a child with SN because he will fully intend for that to only affect you too.

This is a major red flag.

please please take complete control of your fertility - don't trust him or the condoms. I would get an iud/mirena if I were you - mightn't even tell him.

And very very few women have a 4th c-section at the age of 43/44. So no, other women don't do it.

0hNoNotAgain · 21/09/2023 18:04

Hopefully he wouldn't stoop so low as to sabotage the condoms to get what he wants ?

I'd be getting my tubes tied tbh, that will stop him pestering you to put your body through it all again when you've clearly told him you don't want to risk it.

NumberTheory · 21/09/2023 18:13

Amgelima · 21/09/2023 05:07

i don’t think he thinks lots of people have four children, but there are some specific families that have had four or more and he is envious. Every time an acquaintance with three or more children is expecting another baby, he says, “how come she can do it and toy won’t/can’t?”? There are a couple of mothers at school who have had a fourth - but the gaps between their children are larger.

You could say “Maybe she has a husband who manages to be supportive when the children are young instead of making her miserable.”

OddlyFramed · 21/09/2023 18:14

@Amgelima it is 100% not normal the way he talks to you and wants to control you. It comes up so many times men get woman pregnant as they know they are easier to control. Please listen to everyone saying how abusive this is.

Ffion21 · 21/09/2023 18:16

If you aren’t 100% wanting one, then no way. It isn’t fair on you or the baby, i
or your existing children.

Three is a lot. Child birth is brutal, c sections are brutal.

It’s time to put yourself first.

I stopped at one (awful emergency c section etc) I felt guilty for a while. Best decision and don’t regret it for a second.

Ange1233556 · 21/09/2023 18:17

Don’t do it! I’ve had 3 c-sections and they wanted to sterilise me when I had 3 baby as would strongly advise against having more than 3 c-sections

WimbyAce · 21/09/2023 18:27

I am 43 with 2 children (youngest 3) and there is no part of me that has any inkling to have any more. I love them with all my being but I think you know when you are done.

AngelinaFibres · 21/09/2023 18:29

My husband is one of 5. There is a 9 year gap between him and his nearest sibling. His mother was coming out of the child rearing years of 4 children and beginning to look at getting a job. My FIL persuaded/ bullied her that a 5th child would be a good idea. I am convinced it was so that she would be trapped at home for another decade. He was domineering and controlling. He was generous with money but absolutely on his terms. He would take her shopping for clothes but only when he wanted to and he would only pay for what he approved of. She had no access to money and never learned to drive.When my husband was a teen she was allowed to volunteer at the school library. But only if it didn't get in the way of his needs and wants. He wanted her at home where he could dictate everything. Does that sound familiar Op.

Sennelier1 · 21/09/2023 18:29

Could it be that your husband wants a fourth child because having a new baby would make hím feel young? A new dad once more? You say you're 43, your husband is probably in the same age-range. Maybe you have much younger friends or siblings now starting a family, your husband jealous of the ambiance of the young parents 🤔 I think you can't have a baby just to please your husband's ego, we're talking about a living human being here! And if you give in maybe he'll ask for another baby once this one is born 🤷🏼‍♀️ I wouldn't, and I would tell him that a child needs to be welcome for bóth his parents.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 21/09/2023 18:31

Firstly, @Amgelima a c-section is not a requirement. VBAC is recommended by NICE guidelines up to and including after 4 previous c-sections, so a vaginal birth is an option here.

It sounds like you're done though, and I get that, I'm done too and more than happy with the children I've got and have also got my breathing space back. I wouldn't go back to the baby stage again now.

How involved in the household and parenting is your husband?

As others have said, it's easy for a husband to want more children, but they don't have to spend 9 months growing the baby, birthing the baby, breastfeeding the baby, being attached 24/7 for however long to baby etc. It is so full on and takes a massive toll on our bodies. Your husband is unreasonable if he cannot understand that this is a big thing to ask of you.

Ultimately, it's your choice, which it sounds like you are sure of your decision not to have another, and that's fine. Don't have one just to appease him. It you are done, you need to make it clear to him to stop asking you though, it's not fair to guilt you about it.

Fallon10 · 21/09/2023 18:32

As someone who is 38 and had two babies via emergency CSection ( 10/12) I understand where you are coming from. My youngest has autism and ADHD and I am just starting to get some of my life back. In a perfect world with the perfect pregnancy, birth and healing I'd love to. Sadly the perfect doesn't exist in my world and I really enjoy my kids that I have. No advice about the husband but you are being very reasonable.

Maireas · 21/09/2023 18:36

"How come other women do it?"
That's what you need to shut down. Comparisons like that are nonsensical.
You don't want to, so that's that.
Plus: don't get a puppy, you'll do all the work.

Mswest · 21/09/2023 18:41

This can't be real?! He wants you to have a fourth child at 43?! 😂😂😂😂 Hard no. End of.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 21/09/2023 18:42

Apologies @Amgelima I hadn't read all your comments prior to posting, which I normally would do. It sounds like your husband is an abusive, controlling man. It sounds like he wants you pregnant again so that you cannot have your freedom and not pursue your career.

He is not a good man.

I'd definitely get your ducks in a row and divorce.

Elaina87 · 21/09/2023 18:52

It's your body and he needs to respect that, the risks are higher now for you and baby for multiple reasons, not to mention recovery and looking after 3 other kids. It'd be an absolute no from me, he'll just have to find a way to get over it and concentrate on what he already is so lucky to have. Don't give in to please him or because you feel guilt, put you and your health first (physical and mental) you have 3 other young kids who need you xx

Ireallydontwantto · 21/09/2023 18:54

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 09:50

He doesn't want another baby for a baby he wants another tool to browbeat you with because you've dared start to have a bit of your life back.
I'd be planning to get my career back in order and leaving the abusive prick.
Your husband is disgusting.

Yep

CM1897 · 21/09/2023 19:09

Someone asked why he wants another one. I imagine it’s because babies are just so cute! Alot of people get sad when they realise they won’t have another baby, I think it’s a normal feeling. But he has to be sensible, and also has to realise that ultimately your decision.

if all else fails, get your tubes tied while he isn’t looking lol

minipie · 21/09/2023 19:11

Have you heard the phrase “barefoot and pregnant”? That’s where he wants you.

Please do get your tubes tied - on the quiet if necessary.

LT1982 · 21/09/2023 19:12

Amgelima · 19/09/2023 22:01

My husband would like to have a 4th child and is sad that I don’t want to. He has been asking for this for the past three years on a regular basis. I do love children but fear I would be too stressed, too old, and am afraid to have another c section (which would be a requirement as I have I have had three c sections. I am now 43 years old, and had three kids three and under at one time. My eldest is now 8, youngest is 4, and I feel I am just starting to breathe again. I know my husband is sad, but I wish he would be more understanding. I honestly feel he isn’t caring for me when he asks for a fourth child despite my mentioning my worries about the medical side of things and the risks due to my age (plus my sheer exhaustion already caring for three).

Are all children the same gender and he wants the opposite gender?

You have 3 children already, why would he want you to you risk your health (physical and mental) to expand an already happy family?

aloris · 21/09/2023 19:13

Amgelima · 20/09/2023 06:54

Thanks for your reply. I have asked him why and he says he loves babies and feels grief over the fact that I don’t want another. I have asked him whether he feels any concern over the potential risks to myself (or to the baby - eg, increased potential for downs or autism or other challenges) and he says he is of course understanding of my fear of risk but then “how come other women can do it?” So I really feel like he is not actually concerned and thinks I should just take the risk. He also refused to get the snip and does not want me to get my tubes tied so we are using condoms (bc I don’t want to use hormonal birth control or the coil and would prefer tubal ligation). I honestly thought we would be able to come to a birth control decision by now as well and didn’t expect to still be using condoms, but he is holding out.

He is using survivor bias here, just thinking about the women who are fine after they have a baby in their 40s. Yes, other women do it. Some of them don't make it. Sometimes the babies don't make it. The babies are more likely to have certain disabilities if born to an older mom, especially very challenging disabilities like Down Syndrome. The pregnancies are harder, and riskier.

Takenoprisoner · 21/09/2023 19:13

Amgelima · 21/09/2023 05:07

i don’t think he thinks lots of people have four children, but there are some specific families that have had four or more and he is envious. Every time an acquaintance with three or more children is expecting another baby, he says, “how come she can do it and toy won’t/can’t?”? There are a couple of mothers at school who have had a fourth - but the gaps between their children are larger.

You used the word 'toy' instead of 'you' here which is rather Freudian, he thinks of you as his possession and he is annoyed and mystified that his domestic appliance or 'toy' will not do what's it meant to do.

wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you can leave your abuser and your children's abuser very soon.