Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

[MadameameBeans]

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

Very very rude and not something I would do but it ALWAYS happens to me! We’ve done whole class parties in the past and ended up with like 10 siblings, without any prior communication, and they’ve all been dump and runs, despite my request that parents stay as I have a disabled child who needs a lot of supervision! They have literally left .. no communication, no phone number for emergency.. don’t even really know these kids! The kicker at the last party was that I collared a dump and run mum just as she tried to leave, and she then informed me that the sibling had SEVER food allergies (to several things in the buffet) and had an epi pen! What the actual?! The kid was like 6! Needless to say I told her in no uncertain terms that she either stayed, or left with the kid!

I can beat this! I invited one little girl to my DS birthday party which was a bouncy castle , disco, village hall affair with very lovingly catered tables of food I’d worked very hard on. Including fruit sculptures ( over the top I know but had good reasons). Anyway, CF mum turns up with little girl and 3 siblings ( no card, gift or ‘do you mind these being here’)and parks herself in the seating area for my elderly relatives. They all look dirty/ scruffy too. She then allows siblings to invade the food before I’d opened the buffet and finished welcoming everyone. Also helps herself to cakes to take home! I was speechless. Anyway, over time and through a mutual friend I discover she has form for this and will likely be using the party as an opportunity to feed the kids, as she’s admitted in the past she often has no food in the house so invites herself to other peoples homes and birthday parties to ponce. Raging coke head, lost custody of all children a couple of years later.

YANBU, cheeky fucker.

I have had this too and think it’s bloody rude. Just ask in advance, it doesn’t take a lot! So I agree with you OP.

This happens so often! I was a nanny before had my son and I can’t count the amount of kids parties I’ve hosted/attended where there is at least 1 parent who thinks it’s ok. It’s not ok, it’s bloody rude. When I sent out invites for my son last year (he’s 5) I wrote on no siblings please due to restricted numbers, several parents were huffy about it but it’s not my problem! But in your situation I wouldn’t done the same, you can’t say no to a young child even tho you shouldn’t be put in that position. We have a mum in the class who either doesn’t rsvp to invites or says yes then doesn’t bother showing up, that also really winds me up and for that reason we won’t invite her child this year, I feel mean cos it’s not the child’s fault but when you are paying per child it’s a lot of money to waste

Never had uninvited sibling turn up but have had unexpected children turn up frequently. Have invited the whole class, had 15 responses, catered for 15, and then on the day almost all 30 turned up. It's bloody rude.

wouldve

Yep I’ve had that as well and it’s so rude!!

She was rude but in the grand scheme of things there was no harm done.
You can just not invite them next year.

Those poor kids.

This made me a bit sad to read actually.

Jk987 · Yesterday 16:16
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Circumferences · Yesterday 15:51
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Seriously, it's life. It happens.
I think you're massively over reacting. You need to chill a bit ☺️
Me too. And to place importance on a gift is a bad message

Having no manners is the bad message.

@isthismylifenow yes it’s very sad. I can confirm all kids are with dad and stepmum and are thriving - looked so happy and well cared for when I bumped into them shopping. Poor Dad had been making huge maintenance payments and paying for her car etc only for his kids to be half starved and filthy because she was prioritising drink and drugs. He had to move heaven and earth to win the custody case and fair play to him because it was clearly the right move.

She should have asked in advance.

But don't moan about not getting a gift from them, that's not why you have a kids party, and it isn't your business whether someone spends their money on your child or their own.

YANBU, she is a CF.
However I always do a couple of extra party bags just in case, because it's not the child's fault their parents are rude, and it would have felt bad for him to be left out.

If a parent had to stay with child then I'd let it go but if it's a drop off then staying with an extra child is rude.

But nothing will very beat the entitled couple in my daughters class who turned up to one of her friends parties (for 5 year olds) with their baby and an 8 year old in tow. It was an expensive party (£25+ per child) and not all children in the class had been invited. When the children were called to eat the eldest actually sat at the table and I overhead the father chuckling to the mother 'oh look she's joined right in and made herself a home'. These children weren't SEN and there was no need for both parents to attend. Is it lack of awareness (do these people not get invited out very often!), can they not control their children and teach them basis manners (you are crashing your siblings party invite so keep a low profile) or is it just a huge sense of entitlement that no one will mind because they are special!

Totally this.

I just could not get worked up about an extra 6 year old.

Sure - leaving him would have been out of order. But she didn't in the end.

It was a party in the garden for 8 year olds, not a wedding at The Ritz.

Also presents are not mandatory.

Would you be worked up about 15 extra 6 year old if everyone had behaved in as entitled a fashion? And if your 6 year old were injured because there were too many children on the bouncy castle and the adult/child ratio had halved, would you be so laissez-faire about it then?

I had this recently, almost exactly the same circs and the sibling was a total, utter PITA. My only takeaway from it is never again. Next year it's drop them off or Sorry, we can't accommodate siblings.

She’s an entitled CF and as for the no present - bad etiquette.

Being hard up (if that’s the reason) is no excuse -you fed and entertained BOTH her kids for an afternoon.
A jigsaw or game or something, can easily cost less than £10 and is better than buying nothing.
I myself as a lone parent have very minimal disposable income and my son goes to a birthday party pretty much every fortnight and I would never dream of him showing up empty handed - it’s just basic manners.
If you can’t afford a present for the birthday child you shouldn’t be showing up in my opinion.

I’d avoid inviting their DC next time, although I feel a bit sorry for her eldest, especially
having to excuse his mother’s lack of gift giving - how embarrassing 🙄

No OP it’s rude on all counts. I still can’t get over a pp saying a toddler was left without its parents at a pool party, expecting the host (am I right?) who does that?!

My DM back in 70s/early 80s was the one of Thad the parents that hosted full class parties for both me and DB as we had birthdays in the same month.

As we are siblings with a 2 year age gap there were often siblings who were invited but I honestly can’t recall other siblings being invited nor turning up unexpectedly uninvited. Parents generally did just drop and run then, they rarely stayed. And presents, we generally got them but there seemed less emphasis on this then than there is now.

You didn’t make up some spare party bags? Risky! I made up about 6 extras for my DC’s recent party, and they were all used up - some children lost the little toys from them on leaving, and yes - some extra children turned up last minute, and I was delighted to welcome them.
You sound incredibly tight to be honest - i can’t bear this transactional attitude around kids parties, that there has to be a big present given in return. Parties are about having fun, and the host should always be gracious, welcoming and hospitable.
And please tell me you didn’t actually consider telling the extra child they couldn’t go on the bouncy castle! Poor kid.

Yes, that was me.

They asked if the toddler could stay, this is the only time I have declined a sibling to stay though.

I have not commented further because I live in a different country and things are obviously very different here when it comes to parties.

OP is holding the party! It’s up to her to source the catering and decide if she wants to make up extra party bags.

The mum is a CF for assuming the sibling can come, without asking and what’s worse obvs treats it as an opportunity for OP to childmind the extra child whilst she swans off. No thanks.

The present is a bit of a red herring. And yes OP could’ve been more assertive but we’ve all been caught on the spot and can’t say no or don’t know what to say in various situations.

I haven't read all replies. If the parent was in a position where she needed to bring younger child to stay I wouldn't be too worried as long as I knew in advance. But it was cheeky for mum to expect to dump a younger child too and wander off.

I've only ever done two parties for my child as too much politics involved.

I had a mum who wanted to dump younger child who wasn't even out of nappies! 🤮

And I had a parent ask if they could bring a younger child which I didn't mind as was asked politely... but then was told younger child we didn't know is practically allergic to everything and we had to make accommodations to party for him!