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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

313 replies

MadameameBeans · 19/09/2023 15:38

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 20/09/2023 16:21

@MadameameBeans i have been following your thread.

I have 3 kids, lots of parties!! Some of the responses on here are absolutely ridiculous. Only ever in mn world.

She was definitely a cf without doubt. You were well mannered and let the sibling stay. Then she didn’t get a present. You stated more than once you could understand that people are struggling with money and you get that.

See, my kids have been invited to a lot of parties in the past as you can imagine. There is no way I would have shown up without a present. Even when I had no money for a loaf of bread I wouldn’t have taken my child to the party without a present. As a parent you have a choice, let my child down and say no to going to the party, bite the bullet text the host and apologise and explain you really can’t afford a present and hope she understands.

Any person would understand receiving that text. I luckily didn’t have to, but I very easily could have.

but she neither. And brought the other child that none of the kids knew apart from his brother to gate crash a party. Not kids fault at all. Then she goes and leave you doing her childcare.

The response about inviting the whole class - well, what can you say to that mentality? I mean seriously!!!

Libra24 · 20/09/2023 16:40

It's a bit cheeky but you had an out.
Presents aren't mandatory. I don't think it should matter what they gave, I hate this gift expectation in general.

Ablar · 20/09/2023 16:50

There's an instagrammer that does this. They have 5 kids and no matter which one is invited to the party, they all go including mum and dad. Just leave the others at home with one of the parents. I wouldn't be amused if it happened and I'd have to tell them straight

Woodandsky · 20/09/2023 16:53

My kids were only 1 school year apart, DH worked long hours inc weekends so I inevitably would have to take both kids to drop off and pick up at parties.

Sometimes people asked if the sibling would like to stay and as a busy mum I wasn't about to say no! I would never have assumed though which I think is the problem here.

It's not as though it cost you anything to have an extra kid on the bouncy castle though, cheeky but hardly the end of the world in my opinion, I feel like you're over-reacting.

notacooldad · 20/09/2023 16:56

This happened to me a few times when my kids had parties.
To be honest I wasn't overly bothered. I never made party bags because quite frankly I couldn't be bothered. I just wanted all the kids to have fun.
If there had been a huge age difference and the spare kid was very young I would have said it was on mum to stay but it's just a kids party not a formal event so it was not a problem. Nothing to get worked up about.

SaylessSayless · 20/09/2023 17:01

Now I'm on my 3rd child I'd say 'oh I had to limit him to 12 guests. It was hard for him to choose so if we were having any more children it would definitely be a child he knows, thank you'.

StaunchMomma · 20/09/2023 17:21

This was my absolute pet peeve when having parties and I'm so glad to be over the years of this.

We had one repeat offender who was incredibly pushy and once snatched food out of my hands for her older child before I'd even fed the younger ones. In the end I decided to book activity parties and state on the invite that it was invited children only due to insurance purposes.

At least you'll be ready for it next time.

Eaumyword · 20/09/2023 17:25

Such a relief that my DS is all grown up - this used to happen a lot round our way. Tricky when the uninvited child queues up for a party bag and at one particular party, a child ate sooo much like a little hoover, we were frantically making extra sandwiches!
It's really tricky as these CF mothers rely on you being passive and letting it happen, plus you don't want to affect your child's friendships.
MN seems to be quite split on views on this, but I just think it's bad manners to foist uninvited siblings off, unless the host has already specifically made it clear they would be welcome, in which case that's fine.

caringcarer · 20/09/2023 17:36

You could have said just leave the invited child on his own and you can amuse the other child at the park around the corner. Come back at X time to collect.

Twinsmamma · 20/09/2023 17:49

My children are still toddlers so maybe my ignorance is due to their age, but REALLY?! What on earth is the big deal I can’t work out why you care?! More the merrier no?

AliOlis · 20/09/2023 17:51

Twinsmamma · 20/09/2023 17:49

My children are still toddlers so maybe my ignorance is due to their age, but REALLY?! What on earth is the big deal I can’t work out why you care?! More the merrier no?

Er.... No. 🤣

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 20/09/2023 17:53

My children are still toddlers so maybe my ignorance is due to their age, but REALLY?! What on earth is the big deal I can’t work out why you care?! More the merrier no?

Wow so you'd be fine if everyone's siblings were left for you to feed and look after, maybe more than doubling the size of the party? Fair play to you.

I'm just glad the party days are over.

Twinsmamma · 20/09/2023 17:56

It was 1 child? I’m speechless 🤣 I had more kids than were invited to my twins 2nd birthday party and I loved it, I must be one of those strange parents who doesn’t mind kids!

howaboutchocolate · 20/09/2023 18:00

Twinsmamma · 20/09/2023 17:49

My children are still toddlers so maybe my ignorance is due to their age, but REALLY?! What on earth is the big deal I can’t work out why you care?! More the merrier no?

Would you have been happy as an 8 year old to invite your ten or so friends to your party, only for the dynamic to totally change because everyone's younger siblings came too?

Would you be happy if you were expecting to host a group of 8 year olds and then suddenly had to babysit a load of 3/4/5/6 year olds too while their parents buggered off?

Birthday parties aren't childcare.

Twinsmamma · 20/09/2023 18:09

howaboutchocolate · 20/09/2023 18:00

Would you have been happy as an 8 year old to invite your ten or so friends to your party, only for the dynamic to totally change because everyone's younger siblings came too?

Would you be happy if you were expecting to host a group of 8 year olds and then suddenly had to babysit a load of 3/4/5/6 year olds too while their parents buggered off?

Birthday parties aren't childcare.

Show quote history

It was 1 child? Or am I missing something here?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/09/2023 18:31

I had one once who bought THREE siblings and the one invited. She is just the loveliest person, I really like her but I found it so odd. I can only think that she’s just so nice that she wouldn’t mind at all if people did this to her so she thought it was ok. It was in a hall with an entertainer so it WAS ok, but I still would never do that.

riceuten · 20/09/2023 18:33

Yes it was wrong

No, I wouldn’t’ve made a fuss, in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t that much of a big deal.

Activemama · 20/09/2023 18:33

I see where you are coming from. It's not ideal.

I wonder whether mum couldn't afford a gift, or is struggling with money?

Perhaps bringing both children was her way to ensure they were fed.

I obviously don't know the full circumstances, but a lot more people seem to be struggling financially, with them depending on the schools to feed their children, or food banks to put food on the table.

If that's not the case, then I think mum took to p*, but we don't really know what goes on behind closed doors.

I hope your child enjoyed their party. If nothing else, it's a good learning opportunity for you child.

Clairebairn · 20/09/2023 18:49

This happened at my 5yo son’s party in May. We’d hired a place for 30 kids and said explicitly no siblings because we couldn’t accommodate all of them. One mum shows up with her invited 5yo and uninvited sibling and acts like she didn’t know siblings weren’t invited. There were 4 of us hosting and we agreed that if they charged us for the sibling we’d just have to pay for him. It’s so awkward and incredibly rude but this mum has shown herself to be quite inconsiderate and not following the crowd so what can you do.

AliOlis · 20/09/2023 18:54

Twinsmamma · 20/09/2023 18:09

It was 1 child? Or am I missing something here?

Show quote history

You certainly are.
If it's perfecty fine for everyone to bring siblings, the hosts could end up with double or treble (or more...) the number of children they'd actually invited.
So don't do it, however much you insist there's no issue 😬

Casperroonie · 20/09/2023 19:05

Yes rude, but you could have just said no....

Tryingtobedifferent · 20/09/2023 19:11

This thread is actually hilarious 😂
Asking AIBU and then when people say yes you are you don't accept it lol
Chalk it down to experience and move on. It's one extra child, albeit unplanned but still, just one! Is it cheeky, yes a bit but then it's also not the end of the world.
Also as a sidenote, after a party my kids couldn't tell you who brought which present, they get mixed up, put separate to the cards and if the present hasn't got a tag you're screwed! So I feel like you've made a much bigger thing of the present than was necessary

Scunnered123 · 20/09/2023 19:35

I sympathise. We had a soft play party and had 3 families turn up with siblings. One brought 2 parents and another parent left to "do some stuff about the house". They all paid entry for their uninvited sibling but then encouraged them to join in games and eat the party food, so I ended up getting billed for the "extras" after everyone had left. I was a bit dazed and confused at the brass neck of it all. Didn't happen again.

whatwasthatgrandma · 20/09/2023 19:38

Tryingtobedifferent · 20/09/2023 19:11

This thread is actually hilarious 😂
Asking AIBU and then when people say yes you are you don't accept it lol
Chalk it down to experience and move on. It's one extra child, albeit unplanned but still, just one! Is it cheeky, yes a bit but then it's also not the end of the world.
Also as a sidenote, after a party my kids couldn't tell you who brought which present, they get mixed up, put separate to the cards and if the present hasn't got a tag you're screwed! So I feel like you've made a much bigger thing of the present than was necessary

Most of said yanbu, and she is NBU, so why would she accept the few oddballs who said yabu?

Sickdissapointed · 20/09/2023 20:11

We held a swimming party for my daughter age 6. School friends and other children invited. One family turned up mum dad 3 siblings. Without asking they all swam ate the cake and helped themselves to soft drinks. We didn’t do party bags just a v small gift which they also helped themselves to. Totally violated.

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