Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

[MadameameBeans]

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

I don't think it is the end of the world that she brought an extra child to your back garden. I think parents that moan about such things are incredibly strange. However it was rude of her not to bring even a small present.

Those PPs who anticipate this and do extra bags are just encouraging the CFs to carry on doing it.

This x 1000. People pandering to the CFers are part of the problem. I feel my blood pressure rise slightly every time I read that people provide extra party bags because 'it's not the kids fault that their parents are Cfers'. If the CF parents don't give a shit that their child might not shouldn't get one, why should other parents be expected to make up for their parental shittiness?

I never had spare party bags, it never occurred to me that I'd need them and buying extra stuff is just a waste, but thankfully when DD was young we never had this happen (but then I don't recall any of the parents being CFers generally).

Completely agree with you. I cannot imagine being that riled up over an extra child. The more the merrier at my house. I'd be more bothered if they didn't bring the child because they thought I would not be happy if they had to bring a sibling.

I've had lots of siblings come to parties we've thrown. Most people will ask but there are certain families who don't. One year and older sibling (good few years older) was also brought along without the mum asking and this girl was constantly back and fore the buffet more than anyone else. (And no there is no chance that they are not fed at home, you can just tell). That annoyed me a bit. I always do spare parties bags just to avoid that awkward moment but don't actively give them to uninvited siblings. I have three kids myself so I never quite know what to do for parties sometimes I take the siblings, sometimes I don't but I ALWAYS ask first.

Can't believe you see this as an issue. Does it really matter if there was an extra? I'm sure it didn't spoil anything for anyone. Did you have a party just to get presents? Cant believe this either! Unreal post! You need to get a grip.

I cannot even imagine being annoyed about something like this. Why do people need to buy your child presents? Personally when I have parties for my children I ask people to make a donation to sick kids hospital or children's hospice in lieu of presents as they get so much already, more than any child would ever need. Placing so much emphasis on your child receiving gifts is odd and not good for your child. Given how frustrated you are, you need to ask yourself, who is the party for, you or your son?!

yes that was very rude of her. As a single parent I often had to take a sibling along, especially when my children were the age that parents were expected to stay- but I would expect sibling to stay seated with me, not join in and I would provide a toy/ book/ distraction and food for them. As soon as my children were of an age where they could be dropped and left at parties I would leave the invited child and take the sibling off to do something else for the duration of the party. She was a complete CF.

Nobody has addressed the question of safety if everyone brought a stray sibling and the numbers doubled. It is a consideration when planning supervision for 6 year olds, surely? If it is 'not an issue', what stops everyone from feeling entitled to do it?

I always did extra party bags for people who bring siblings. I did my parties at the local soft play though so people did tend to come at the same time with their other kids so they could play. I just let them join for cake/party bags. Food if it was a buffet. God.. who cares. It’s not worth getting excited about.

That said, if it was in my house I would have made the woman stay with her kid. That’s not a public place you can just invite yourself or your other kids to.

The way to deal with that is when she decided to say "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?"
your response should have been
"Oh, I'm sorry. No other siblings were invited and as the boys are older, it's very possible they'll get a bit more boisterous on the bouncy castle so for his own safety it's probably best if X doesn't stay but goes with you. I'll do my best to save him a slice of birthday cake. You can collect Y at 4:30pm if that suits?"

Welcome to the wonderful world of (or should that be minefield of) kids birthday parties!

I agree. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Something that you could do (to turn it around on the CF) would be to speak directly to the child, and not the adult with them and say "Oh I'm sorry Johnny, did your mum say that you could come to Michael's party?" and see what Johnny says. If he says that Mummy said he could be at the party, you can then speak to the mother saying "Oh I wish you had checked beforehand, that just isn't possible today. However there is a lovely park around the corner or you could go to the cinema with Johnny instead perhaps? 4:30pm is the pick up time for the boys."

Even though I was born in England my cultural background is not British . I do get British sensibilities and not being able to say how people feel for worry of being impolite but glad I haven’t spent a lifetime like this it causes so many issues. I would have said no in a polite but firm and direct way.

This is really nice of you, however, I think it’s how CFs get away with their behaviour - others wondering if there is an underlying reason.

The woman presented it as “younger brother is tagging along” rather than a question/request. If she had problems, she could have said: I am extremely sorry to ask to drop another child, but my sister is in hospital and I’m desperate to go over there” or whatever and the op would have said no problem, don’t worry and probably given the younger child a couple of bits in a random bag as a party bag or whatever. Also, the eldest didn’t sound shy when he was able to say why no present was bought. A really shy child would have said nothing as they wouldn’t have been able to. Plus CF mum could have put a bag of buttons with the card, or anything really. But she didn’t. She saw an opportunity to palm off 2 kids onto a polite woman without really getting agreement and thinking sod the fact it’s a kid’s bday, he’s getting nothing off me.

OP what you could do is send this cheeky bitch an Amazon link to a box of Lego or something with the comment: your kid told my mine that you didn’t know what to get otherwise he would have brought something: he’d love to get XYZ Lego set - just go on Amazon get it deliver it to mine please. Thanks. Give her some of her own shit back.

@whatwasthatgrandma it's my truth. I am talking about something I have direct personal experience of.
Being exposed to different cultures, is amazing, as there's so much to learn.

No it is absolutely not totally fine. It's cheeky and entitled. And cheeky to even ask and put the host in a difficult position. If your child was invited their name
would be on the invitation. Only on MN is this considered in any way acceptable behaviour.

This.

Well done for being "delighted to welcome" all comers to your child's party.
It's still the rule in polite society that if your name is not on the invitation; you're not invited.
Calling people tight doesn't change that 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like I’m the only one that doesn’t think it’s rude?
When I hold a birthday/ gathering I always assume that a couple of people might have to decide last minute, not rsvp and show up. I am always prepared with extra food (I think it’s a little petty to think that they came and ate the food it’s what a party is for?) and a couple of extra goodie bags just in case. It’s a celebration and I would never be upset for someone extra being there. Also maybe they didn’t have the means to get a gift.. or they decided to come last minute and the point isn’t the gift it’s them being there to celebrate 😊

Who turns up to a party with no gift... Completely shameless. When I was young, our family had very little money but if there was a birthday party, you turn up with something! I remember buying something really cheap from a home bargains type of shop because it was all I could afford at the time but you wrap it up and still bring a gift! If the mum could afford the petrol to get to yours, she could have afforded something by way of a gift. The fact that she even made up an excuse to tell her kid to pass on says it all.

YANBU for being annoyed about the extra kid, YABU for being annoyed about the present, the thing I hated most about my kids having parties was the sheer waste in gifts. I couldn’t care less if people didn’t bring one.

As someone from a ‘developing country’:

• All ‘developing countries’ aren’t the same. There isn’t a monolithic culture that governs us all. To imply that there is is racist.
• In my specific culture, in my specific country, no people do not routinely have the whole village over, feed all the children and not bother to count them. Etiquette, manners and basic consideration for others exist all over the world. And I have no idea how to even start tackling the ‘not counting children’ element.

Which cultures are you referring to, specifically? Where have you lived?

Where I live, it’s normal for soft play or village hall parties. People generally ask but it’s accepted and the sibling doesn’t get fed or a party bag unless it’s a buffet.

However, one of the mum’s invited 8 boys round for a hot tub party in the summer and even called the group chat ‘the boys’ but one mum (always the firs to ask if DD can come), asked if DD (3) could come. I thought that was out of order.

Your comment about the present is bang out of order and makes you sound grabby. We never expect presents and always state that on the invites. A couple of kids never bring them and I know their parents are not as well off as us.

Exceptionally rude.
We have had lots of DC birthday parties at home and never had this happened.
I would have been too flabbergasted and embarrassed to say no to the extra child.
I wouldn't have had spare part bags either.

Yes of course she was rude and you should have said no OP, but she put you on the spot and you probably didn't want to start the party with awkwardness - I would have probably done the same. Children don't tend to want little ones tagging along and if they have had to think about who to invite (and who not to) were probably a bit 😕that there was some random young kid there but in the excitement of the party it probably wouldn't have been a big deal. If she was a friend of yours or had asked beforehand then that would have made a difference. Of course you don't have to invite a whole class! Party bags are for the guests and, unless you are psychic, you had no idea there was going to be a plus one - I would have probably just wrapped up a slice of birthday cake. Personally don't feel it is petty to not give this child a gift at their birthday party, it's being fair and treating the family as they have treated you (as you don't think they are hard up). Frankly, she should have given a £5 to cover childcare!

I never had a problem with uninvited siblings but at one party the mum dropping off made a fuss saying she had forgotten to bring my son's birthday present and had left it at home but wasn't going back home during the party, 'that's fine' I said, then when she collected her son she again made a fuss about the present and said she would drop it round to our home later that day and were we going to be in? We were.. She never did give him his present and I never looked at her the same way again! And the family were not destitute living on the breadline - far from it.

Unfortunately this seems to happen a lot, for some odd reason.
You need to have a stock answer ready, such as: 'I think there's maybe been a misunderstanding, but we've limited the numbers so can't include siblings this time. I'll pop a little extra in X's (insert name of actual child invited) party bag so that they can both have something. See you at 4 (or whenever the party ends).' Once you include one or two uninvited siblings then it's harder to say no to more and/or you give the impression that it's ok in the future. People should know not to do this, but it's an age old problem for some reason!