Had a party for DS and one mum brings an extra kid along

[MadameameBeans]

We had a birthday party in our garden recently for DS (8).
Bouncy castle and food and party bags, the usual.
He chose who he wanted there (set a limit of 12-15 because the whole class would be a bit much), and we ended up with 13 who could make it.

One mum (who we don't even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow. And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited, no other siblings were there or invited.

She just turned up in the garden and said "His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?" I very Britishly didn't want to cause a scene and was so shocked and embarassed that I didn't know what to say, so they stayed.

AIBU to think that that's totally out of order to just turn up and ask permission when she got there? She didn't contact me beforehand to ask if it was ok, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She's not a friend, hadn't even met her before!

So there was just some random younger child my DS didn't know at his party and there was the expectation from her that he would eat the party food and join in with everything.

Thankfully he was well-behaved, but him and the mum looked a bit put out when I said at the end that there were only party bags for the children that had been invited and we didn't have any spares.

Oh and to add further insult when they left and DS was opening his gifts, it turned out they had only given a card and no present!
DS said that the invited kid had handed him the card at the start of the party and said "My mum didn't get you a present because she didn't know what you like".
(because nobody could possibly guess what an 8-year-old might like - lego, or a game or chocolate or whatever. (she could have asked either of her kids what they like. What a ridiculous excuse.)

So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn't even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!

It’s rude and annoying, but I think to be so shocked that you couldn’t speak is a bit of an overreaction. Surely it’s more of just an internal eye roll situation.

You should have just said yeah, you don’t have to stay, pick your son up at such and such a time.
As for a present I wouldn’t be pissed off about that. Maybe she couldn’t afford one?

I was at a party recently where the invited child couldn’t come to a prior commitment- but the younger sibling was brought without them! People are weird

Absolutely agree but also think she probably had no childcare but that’s over the line and very rude. My daughter had been invited to a 6th birthday party and I have no childcare for my 1 year old. I text the mum and said im happy to bring her but I’ll have my other with me if it’s a problem I’ll keep him in his pram and not get involved with the party or alternatively won’t come but she was absolutely fine about it and said he can join in. I would never in a million years just turn up with a sibling without checking

Well in that case my 3 children didn’t have a normal childhood 🙄
Uninvited siblings coming to parties and parents staying from age 5 upwards was totally unheard of ! It just never happened to us or anyone else I knew .
Bloody rude behaviour and I think unfair on the child being invited.Most children enjoy time with their friends alone, without a sibling and hovering parent .

Rude to bring younger child. Not rude about gift. You don’t know her circumstances. Especially given the current climate. A card is suffice to say happy birthday. I would have quickly made up some sort of party bag for the younger child because it’s not his/her fault. To expect gifts seems grabby and entitled

YANBU. Etiquette is if you cannot come without bringing another sibling too, eg for childcare reasons, you should flag that with the host and then if they say sorry we cannot accommodate any more then you don't go at all, rather than just turn up and assume. The party bag thing reeks of entitlement too. Sometimes there are cost implications to having uninvited extras - the entertainment agency we used for eg say max 25 kids per entertainer and if you go beyond that you need to book a second entertainer to help keep them all under control, and if you don't and excess that number you have to pay a 50 quid surcharge. Parents need to respect that kind of thing. Plus you need more cake and food generally!

I find that impossible to believe.

I do not believe for one second that NO ONE has EVER done a class party in the whole school.

You just clearly haven't attended one, they very much do exist though.

Its also entirely possibly you don't know who was invited, we do class parties every year. Some years we have had 25 kids out of 30 and others only my DS group of 7 close friends showed up. Everyone was invited though the kids just filtered themselves into like minded groups naturally. Without knowledge its would be easy to assume we ONLY invited his friends but its not true at all.

its a garden party with a bouncy castle.

fair enough if it causes an extra expense like a bowling ticket or something, but hardly any impact on an extra handful of crisps and a sandwich.

yeah she should have asked before hand ideally but instead of being pissed off about it have a bit of grace it’s not a big deal.

Cheeky fucker behaviour for sure.

A fine example of a first world problem. In a developing country you'd have the whole village over, feed all the children and no one would even think to count them.

Rude. No other word for it. No excuse. Just a CF who brought 2 kids, no present and fucked off and left them there. Morto for her.

did you mean to be so offensive with this?

What other misogynistic terms do you use in your day to day life?

We aren’t in a developing country. Different social rules apply to each place you see so it’s an unintelligent point to make.

Those who are saying that one extra child makes no difference - what if everyone brought an extra sibling or two? A party of 15 which could be properly supervised and safe for space etc could escalate to a party of 35 with a dangerous adult-child ratio and be unsafe for children on a bouncy castle.

The parent had no idea who else would or wouldn't stick to the deal on the invitation, so yes, she was a massive CF to expect the OP to take an uninvited child with no prior discussion.

Next time use the age excuse - "he might be a bit young for the activities planned, and we'd prefer for his safety that he doesn't stay". Can be used for older kids as well "Your older child might find the activities planned too boring for their age".

@whatwasthatgrandma
Why is the truth offending you.
Reframing the situation and putting things into a perspective personally helps me worry less.

@RawOnions if our social rules cause more upset and stress than actually working in our benefit, may be it's time we reviewed them.

it is a bit unreasonable I feel. I genuinely don’t get the issue, it’s one extra kid. I’ve had parties for my kid and siblings turn up- it’s fine! Our parties are quite open house though and have a proper family/friends atmosphere rather than a xyz amount of kids invited, strict limit on party bags etc. idk it’s just part of normal life, if you’re a single parent I’d just be assuming you’re bringing siblings and make sure we’ve got enough for them. Last year my daughters friend turned up with sibling and mum and dad, didn’t know them very well but everyone was fed, drinks provided, it was a lovely atmosphere. I guess it depends what type of party it is and social standing tbh x

@andjustlikethat1 …the OP didn’t mention her name ! Hope you were not using that name to shut another female down ! I generally judge anyone who has such limited vocabulary,self awareness and is misogynistic.

I’m in the position where I really struggle to get child care and I can’t be at a party with my eldest and also looking after my youngest at home so I will on occasion ask the host if my youngest can tag along. If they say yes then great but if it wasn’t possible and it wasn’t a party that I can drop and go then my eldest would unfortunately have to miss out and I would probably take them both somewhere else for a treat to make up for it. I completely understand mums not being able to take one without the other but to not ask beforehand is rude. I’ve always asked before taking my little one as a tag along and offered to pay to cover any additional costs that may be incurred. Also wouldn’t dream of not taking a present, especially if I was sneaking an extra kid along!

Yeah, 'social standing' is important😂

If you can cater for an infinite number of people with no limits on party bags or numbers, then I'm not surprised you genuinely don't get the issue. You might want to check your privilege though.

Social standing, eh? Thanks for the lesson on etiquette, Lady Bountiful 🤣

It's not the truth. Which developing countries are you referring to? All of them? Your racism is showing.

Think you misunderstood me, my point is I’m a single parent with other single parent friends and it’s kinda normal you look after each others, as opposed to more nuclear families where you might have more options for childcare. It’s not about paying for party bags lol and if you do run out of party bags no big deal…