Am I being unreasonable here – because I really don’t think I am

[defaultresponsibleadult]

A little back story. Been together a very long time. He’s a great partner we share everything and have a nice loving relationship. He does pick up more mental load than most and meets me in the middle with cooking, cleaning and life admin. A man who I love deeply and is joy to be with…… normally.

My OH was at a Drs appt with me to hear some results for some worrying issues I was having. It could have been one of two things and luckily it turned out to be the good news, not the bad.

During the appt the Dr mentioned that I needed to come off hormonal birth control (and that I couldn’t have a IUD – so it may be barrier methods/abstinence). My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up.

A few days later the letter arrived confirming the appointment and he went quiet and stayed quiet for a few days. One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’ I sat there a bit confused as it was said totally out of context in the middle of dinner. I asked him clarify and then he said that he felt the snip was a bit ‘overkill’. He then just looked to me to jump in and make suggestions.

Suddenly I was irritated. In the many many years we have been together he’s never once had to pick up this concern it’s been one of the few things where the load had not been shared equally (which he acknowledged in the preamble to 'the conversation') I’ve had painful procedures, injections, pills, implants and a horrible 6 mo with a IDU that caused no end of issues. So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?’ He looked a bit shamefaced as he skirted around the issue but I could see clear as day he really wanted to broach the subject of me having my tubes tied. I said I would be happy to discuss any alternatives his research brought up. He was very obviously crestfallen and he dropped the subject.

He has not said a word about the situation since and we are now nearly at the appointment date. He has been driving me insane because he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to.

He randomly makes comments that basically show the lines of his thinking go like this:

1. He could announce/promise that we will use barrier methods and then he won’t have to have the snip – Nope, he hates them that is never going to work

1. Why won’t she just offer to have her tubes tied

1. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. He then gets irritated that he is this situation at all – is there some other birth control that she can have

1. He then gets mad at himself again because that’s still not fair and once again makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. Rinse and repeat

I am currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up as I feel he made his bed he either needs to lie in it or decide not to and then act on it - rather than wait for me to make it all OK by taking the lead and responsibility for having 'the conversation' because he wants me to give him permission not to do this thing that he feels he should do but deep down doesn't want to but i i give him permission it absolves him.

When is the appointment date op?

and hundreds of posters all in agreement that you’re not being at all unreasonable… so I think you need to start a separate thread about your “best friend”!

as my best mate felt I was being a total AH for not just taking on the issue and ‘letting him off the hook’ . Shakes head at a “best friend” responding like this

He’s not that daft 🤣

You’ve paid your dues. It’s now his turn.

If he doesn’t like the barrier method then no sex.

You have a 1% chance of conceiving naturally at your age. You could just use the withdrawal method (properly) and you’ll be fine. No need for either of you to get any invasive procedures. It would be almost a miracle if you got pregnant naturally at your age.

Did you RTFT?

And do you realise the withdrawal method leaves the woman up shit's creek if it doesn't work, as she will need an abortion? So OP still gets what she's tryng to avoid - more procedures and responsibility.

You are being more than reasonable. You have altered your body and mind for years so you can both have a sexual relationship. He just needs to have a one off procedure or use condoms. Not much to ask at all. A colleague was encouraged to get her tubes tied by her husband because she didn’t want any more children and feels like she has a duty to sleep with him. It still upsets me. She ended up having to take time off work due to an infection too. The male procedure is much simpler and less invasive than the women’s and condoms are always an option. Don’t feel bad for him.

I've had a similar conversation with my partner, I've been responsible for taking care of contraception since I became sexually active. I'm turning 40, I'm open to having another baby but not actively trying but I'm done with hormones. Since having my DS (1) the side effects have been awful to my mental health. So I've been clear in a very nice way, do something, use something or dont I really don't mind but I'm not putting my body through it anymore.

Having my youngest nearly killed me. It was awful and recovery took ages. I was told I should not have anymore children. Husband said he’d get the snip. All good went off to gp. As date got closer he got really nervous. I spoke to my gp to ask would it make more sense for me to get my tubes tied. Her response was absolutely not, a vasectomy is a short procedure done under local anaesthetic to have my tubes tied would be very invasive procedure involving opening me up and longer recovery. She said I had more than done my bit and it was husbands turn to step up.
When I went home and told him he looked sheepish and admitted he’d asked the same and was told what I had been told. He went ahead with the snip and we haven’t looked back. Maybe your gp could explain the difference between the two procedures and why it’s better he gets the snip.

I'm confident after a few months of abstinence he would reconsider 😂

Electronic rhythm method or cap comes to mind. There are other options. If you used the first one you'd only need condoms on red days or abstain. I only had about seven of those a month and the rest were green days. I used this method until I chose to get pregnant and got pregnant first day of trying. Sterilisation methods do seem a bit extreme for either of you.

I(52) had my tubes tied because my partner at the time(54yr old,4 kids he never sees)"would feel less of a man"if he had a vasectomy. So now he's out there pollinating god knows who and I'm in a loving secure relationship knowing I can't get pregnant which is a plus for me and my new man. Do it for you it's liberating ♥️

Have you tried the Caya cap?

After 7 difficult pregnancies and 4 kids I told my husband that:

• I wasn’t taking any form of contraception
• if I got pregnant by accident, I was keeping it
• if he wanted to avoid pregnancy, it was up to him to do something

he was pretty scared but he booked in for the snip about a week later and has never looked back! Most of his friends have had it now too.

That’s terrible advice which hopefully no one will take seriously. Seminal fluid often leaks before ejaculation and can contain enough sperm to cause a pregnancy. Goodness!

You're 50? Just use a condom for a couple of years. I actually think it's overkill for him to go through something invasive and that could leave him in pain so he doesn't run the chance of impregnating a woman in her 50s.

Stick to your guns! Honestly if only men knew what us ladies had to endure from puberty onwards, they wouldn’t cope.

So glad you got that advice.

Having your tubes tied is not comparable to having the snip. Complications from an invasive surgery under general anaesthetic and possibly inducing menopause and hormonal issues as a result is on a completely different scale to a man having the snip which is a doctors office appointment and has very little risk of complications and no impact on hormones etc. He needs to man up. The doctor gave the options: barrier, abstinence or the snip.

Yes they can, I know men who have had reversals (paid privately of course) and gone on to father children within 12 months

Diaphragm?
Not hormonal, you don’t even know it’s there.

If he won’t use the barrier method and won’t have a vasectomy, what viable compromise is there, apart from abstaining?

Or is ‘come to a compromise’ code for ‘the woman takes care of it’?

I was 31 and husband (to be at the time) was 40 when the condom came off without us knowing and I fell pregnant, we’d been using them for 6 years just in our relationship alone not to mention previous relationships and never happened before so random one off events do happen with them and I wouldn’t necessarily say they are totally reliable if pregnancy is a worst case scenario. It’s definitely time he took the plunge at his age.

No a more complex and risky procedure for you, don’t give in to his pathetic expressions, YANBU.

It’s interesting isn’t it, that even the good men still find it unthinkable that the world is not always organised around them …

I hope you both find a way through @defaultresponsibleadult but you are not unreasonable simply for behaving as if you are fully human, with full human rights!

So do I.

And while a tubal ligation is major surgery requiring a general anaesthetic, a vasectomy is a far less invasive procedure.

Does he think he wants to go on fathering children for the rest of his life?