Am I being unreasonable here – because I really don’t think I am

[defaultresponsibleadult]

A little back story. Been together a very long time. He’s a great partner we share everything and have a nice loving relationship. He does pick up more mental load than most and meets me in the middle with cooking, cleaning and life admin. A man who I love deeply and is joy to be with…… normally.

My OH was at a Drs appt with me to hear some results for some worrying issues I was having. It could have been one of two things and luckily it turned out to be the good news, not the bad.

During the appt the Dr mentioned that I needed to come off hormonal birth control (and that I couldn’t have a IUD – so it may be barrier methods/abstinence). My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up.

A few days later the letter arrived confirming the appointment and he went quiet and stayed quiet for a few days. One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’ I sat there a bit confused as it was said totally out of context in the middle of dinner. I asked him clarify and then he said that he felt the snip was a bit ‘overkill’. He then just looked to me to jump in and make suggestions.

Suddenly I was irritated. In the many many years we have been together he’s never once had to pick up this concern it’s been one of the few things where the load had not been shared equally (which he acknowledged in the preamble to 'the conversation') I’ve had painful procedures, injections, pills, implants and a horrible 6 mo with a IDU that caused no end of issues. So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?’ He looked a bit shamefaced as he skirted around the issue but I could see clear as day he really wanted to broach the subject of me having my tubes tied. I said I would be happy to discuss any alternatives his research brought up. He was very obviously crestfallen and he dropped the subject.

He has not said a word about the situation since and we are now nearly at the appointment date. He has been driving me insane because he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to.

He randomly makes comments that basically show the lines of his thinking go like this:

1. He could announce/promise that we will use barrier methods and then he won’t have to have the snip – Nope, he hates them that is never going to work

1. Why won’t she just offer to have her tubes tied

1. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. He then gets irritated that he is this situation at all – is there some other birth control that she can have

1. He then gets mad at himself again because that’s still not fair and once again makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. Rinse and repeat

I am currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up as I feel he made his bed he either needs to lie in it or decide not to and then act on it - rather than wait for me to make it all OK by taking the lead and responsibility for having 'the conversation' because he wants me to give him permission not to do this thing that he feels he should do but deep down doesn't want to but i i give him permission it absolves him.

@letthemalldoone It’s true that 51 is just the average, but data indicate that in the UK, menopause usually occurs between 45 and 55. So even if the OP is on the older end, a barrier method would probably be fine for the next five years, assuming it doesn’t occur earlier.

Her DH is being an idiot about the whole issue.

I should leave google open on a page about female sterilisation going wrong / massive irreversible drop in libido....

Similar situation here. I’m late 30s, he’s mid 40s. Both of us are done with babies. I refuse to take any hormonal contraceptives any more (pill from 16, 3 cycles of IVF, I’m done with hormones), he hates condoms.

I don’t care what we use but it won’t be something that changes my body anymore. My husband is scared of the snip (understandable) and hates condoms. I’ve left it up to him. He won’t bring it up because he knows asking me to do anything is unreasonable but he doesn’t want to do anything himself either.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, OP. You could take pity on him and bring the conversation up but regardless of who brings it up, your stance won’t and shouldn’t change.

You are clearly not being unreasonable.

He's entitled not to want the snip, but then the option is condoms. I feel like he's maybe being a bit of a drama llama about how bad condoms are.

He is correct that it would be entirely unreasonable to expect you to have a far more intrusive and risky medical procedure so he didn't have a common easy one.

This isn't a situation you need to rescue him from. He needs to make his choice.

@ExperiencedTeacher so now a sexless marriage with no change on the horizon?

I think you are doing the right thing. I just wanted to add in case you decide to look into getting your tubes tied. Please research into long term complications with periods if you do.

@Ohambassador nope, we have sex and use condoms, or we don’t have full intercourse but do plenty of other things. Don’t worry about my “sexless marriage”

A timely reminder if ever there was one that so many men don't see women as real humans.

They don't give a shiny shit about the effects of contraceptives and childbirth on women's bodies so long as they don't have to take on any form of responsibility.

It's yet another form of misogyny. Lots of men just see women as a body. Something to cook, something to clean, something to fuck and something to leave if it starts to go wrong. That's why so many men fuck off when their wives get cancer.

Stick to your guns OP.

Worried? Nope just nosy when your dh l hates condoms but can’t be bothered to actually change the situation.
but it seems all is well nonetheless

@Ohambassador yep. He does hate them. Just apparently not enough to do anything else. His choice, my body has been through enough

Too right

have to say I’d find it a bit of a turn off

Hope he doesn’t ever whinge to you about it as he’s reaching for them

They don't go 'into his bits' they don't even use a scalpel for the modern procedure. Some GPs do it as a minor procedure.

Unlike the OP who would need a GA and have stiches and a possibility that it might reverse itself.

OP

Stick to your guns.

I’m 100% on the same page as you OP and definitely don’t think you need to raise the issue again for him, put his mind at rest or proactively clarify your position any further. He’s a grown up and if he wants to discuss it further he needs to find his voice. And if he does, I think you should stand firm.

I get really irritated by the whole poor men narrative. Most of us have given up our bodies, our careers and to a degree our identities to have and raise their children, not to mention taking the physical and mental burden of contraception for years and years.

If he wants to remain in your partnership and keep having sex, i’m sure he’ll soon realise that he needs to make a decision or at very least find his voice and start advocating for himself.

Ours was done about 15 years ago, at the GP, with me standing alongside. It was truly a minimal procedure.

More like a trip to the dentist than a proper medical procedure.

And even if it wasn't, OP has done the last 30 odd years of family planning including pregnancy and childbirth.

The outcome of failed contraception for OP is the only reason I'd consider assisting him in this. It's his turn to step up, with her support.

Some areas barely offer female sterilisation on the NHS any more - having a general anaesthetic for a "technically unnecessary" procedure is really difficult to fight for in some places.
Whereas a vasectomy is straightforward and (relatively) easy.
Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Absolutely not.

My point is only that I often read on here (and other places) that it's a simple operation that only ever has short term, easily overcome side effects. That's true for many definitely not all.

I used to work with a man whose vasectomy failed, kept getting positives on his tests. Eventually they said it had failed and redid it. Failed again. He wouldn't have it done the third time, said he had no faith in it anymore.

i'm with @PixiePirate all the way

At his age, no you are absolutely not being unreasonable. It’s a very safe, straightforward procedure. He’ll be back at work after a day or two.

@Butterflytattoo Also, as the OP is 50, would she even be considered as a candidate for sterilization?

As everyone keeps saying, it’s down to her DH to sort out contraception (whatever that may be) now.

Not helpful but I really love your style of writing.

absolutely this.

It does sound as though he is working his way thought it doesnt it? Do you think he will get there OP?

In the meatime totally bravo you and keep going

I love the idea of the mental load master spreadsheet as well.

Would it have multiple sheets and pivot charts 📊 I wonder...

I am pretty sure there's someone on MN who has compiled one!