Am I being unreasonable here – because I really don’t think I am

[defaultresponsibleadult]

A little back story. Been together a very long time. He’s a great partner we share everything and have a nice loving relationship. He does pick up more mental load than most and meets me in the middle with cooking, cleaning and life admin. A man who I love deeply and is joy to be with…… normally.

My OH was at a Drs appt with me to hear some results for some worrying issues I was having. It could have been one of two things and luckily it turned out to be the good news, not the bad.

During the appt the Dr mentioned that I needed to come off hormonal birth control (and that I couldn’t have a IUD – so it may be barrier methods/abstinence). My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up.

A few days later the letter arrived confirming the appointment and he went quiet and stayed quiet for a few days. One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’ I sat there a bit confused as it was said totally out of context in the middle of dinner. I asked him clarify and then he said that he felt the snip was a bit ‘overkill’. He then just looked to me to jump in and make suggestions.

Suddenly I was irritated. In the many many years we have been together he’s never once had to pick up this concern it’s been one of the few things where the load had not been shared equally (which he acknowledged in the preamble to 'the conversation') I’ve had painful procedures, injections, pills, implants and a horrible 6 mo with a IDU that caused no end of issues. So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?’ He looked a bit shamefaced as he skirted around the issue but I could see clear as day he really wanted to broach the subject of me having my tubes tied. I said I would be happy to discuss any alternatives his research brought up. He was very obviously crestfallen and he dropped the subject.

He has not said a word about the situation since and we are now nearly at the appointment date. He has been driving me insane because he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to.

He randomly makes comments that basically show the lines of his thinking go like this:

1. He could announce/promise that we will use barrier methods and then he won’t have to have the snip – Nope, he hates them that is never going to work

1. Why won’t she just offer to have her tubes tied

1. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. He then gets irritated that he is this situation at all – is there some other birth control that she can have

1. He then gets mad at himself again because that’s still not fair and once again makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. Rinse and repeat

I am currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up as I feel he made his bed he either needs to lie in it or decide not to and then act on it - rather than wait for me to make it all OK by taking the lead and responsibility for having 'the conversation' because he wants me to give him permission not to do this thing that he feels he should do but deep down doesn't want to but i i give him permission it absolves him.

Well done OP, stick to your guns.

You've been taking responsibility, by the sounds of things, for all your relationship for birth control. He offered to get a vasectomy, so if he's got issues or is nervous he should talk to you about it. It amazes me that pp are saying you should broach the subject of him potentially being nervous? Again, why do you have to take responsibility for this too! He needs to take responsibility for having a conversation and / or coming up with alternatives, or even ask you for your opinion. I doubt he's even done that yet.

Why? Why does she need to sit him down and talk about it? Why can't he sit her down and talk about it?

I think a middle ground is needed. You don't want to make it your responsibility again which is fair enough, he needs to get involved here. But who knows what's going through his head while youre not communicating, he might be reading between the lines and assuming incorrect things about your wishes.

I think I'd say something like "You seem like you're undecided about the vasectomy. I know I've said it before but I'm very happy to talk through all the options that you're thinking about so we can decide together what works for us. I just don't want to be dumped with the responsibility of sorting this out alone". Clear, honest, but not sorting it for him.

Given your ages, I think @Gymnopedie suggestion makes most sense. I’m a year younger (turning 49 soon) and although my periods are regular, they’re shorter and I know that the likelihood of pregnancy is declining every month.

My DH had a vasectomy years ago, but I wouldn’t bother asking him to have one now, I’d use barrier methods in your situation.

I agree that your DH needs to do the research and sort out contraceptive options.

Or you both have surgery.

Ywbu to expect the other to have it and not want it yourself.

Why should the NHS pay out twice? A vasectomy is quick, easy and involves a local anaesthetic and an outpatients visit. I've known two men who had it and both were surprised at how quick and uncomplicated it was. I think the main thing for them was the slight inconvenience/ embarrassment of having to give a sperm sample afterwards to confirm that it had worked.

Female sterilisation is more invasive, often involves a general anaesthetic and sometimes an overnight stay and takes longer to recover from. Any infection or complications are more difficult to deal with.

When a man can deal with the problem quickly and easily, why should he expect his female partner to have a more complicated procedure?

You've carried the load so far,time for him to do his bit. You have had health worries on top of a myriad of unpleasant contraceptive methods,why wouldn't he want to support you in having the snip?
The majority of women's contraceptive methods carry side effects,some can occasionally be fatal, a vasectomy is a simple procedure under local anaesthetic that can even be reversed should the relationship end and he decides he wants children.
Ask him straight out why he thinks you should put yourself through a serious operation, because the only real reason would be if he wants more children and sees your relationship ending, if not bloody well, man up.

We always talked about the snip but it felt very much 'the end' as in -can't go back, no more kids and so we decided against it. I am kind of on your friends side of the fence (kind of) as the woman's contraception always seemed easier to me but then I never had the issues other had, pill was fine, coil no problem etc. So I'm adding nothing to it but you seem lovely and fair to all posters so hope it works out for you both!

OP has a very healthy attitude to relationships. This is how you get a decent guy who respects you. Firm boundaries are not only fine, I would say they are essential. OP is treating him like an adult. That shows respect too. This is what a healthy relationship looks like.

Too many women are quick to rush in to pick up the slack for men. That is not the route to happiness.

He knows that he has to take responsibility for his own fertility. He understands that it's unreasonable to ask OP to undertake a medical procedure just because he doesn't want to. He is not saying it out loud for those reasons but he is hoping that OP will offer and that is what's making him sheepish. Deep down he is ashamed of himself for even wanting that. OP is making him face up to this which is good and healthy.

I’m completely in awe of your clear sightedness. You have excellent boundaries.

This thread has really got me thinking about times when I’ve unconsciously picked up the slack for dh, because of the conditioning to have diminished expectations.

Would you consider doing a ted talk?

Well a doctor won’t do a vasectomy until the man has discussed it with his wife/girlfriend

I am going to say something different to other posts. Unlike female vasectomy, male vasectomy can't be reversed. Additionally, men area generally more scared of procedures however irrational it is. He offered something at the spur of a moment, he got cold feet. I am worried your partner might actually do the runner just before the big day. Then you are going to lose a perfectly viable relationship. Why can't you look together at the alternatives and cometo a compromise?

Nobody else has said it because I’m afraid it’s bollocks @Tiredbehyondbelief . No such thing as female vasectomy, and “male vasectomies” can be reversed although it’s not guaranteed, so shouldn’t be seen as a short-term measure.

I do suspect it's because he feels he'll be less of a 'man' if he has the snip.

Other possible reasons, he thinks it will affect his physical experience of sex or that it will make him unable to perform.

I was thinking the same thing. He would be very unreasonable to want you to have your tubes tied, but him having a vasectomy does seem a bit overkill given how unlikely you are to conceive anyway.

Erm... and what compromise do you suggest? He won't use condoms, and apart from that and the snip every other form of contraception makes it the woman's responsibility.

Ah stop, let him off the snip in case he does a runner?
Off with him so, if he leaves over that, then who the hell wants him anyway.
What a load of shite.
I really dont understand why you are entertaining this OP at all,m I wouldnt even be engaging with him on it.
The decision was made. I would be looking at him like he had two heads if he even suggested not getting it or putting any of it back on me.
It would utterly baffle me to think he thought I would entertain the notion of once again taking on the responsibility of HIM not getting me pregnant.

This

Yes! Yes this with bells on. Even taking the initiative to have the conversation is taking the responsibility out of his hands.

For the poster saying they should both have an op. I ask why? The op has has years of pumping her body full of hormones, having various items put inside her, either in her arm or cervix, taking tablets and all the appointments and prescriptions that come with it, surely it's time he takes the initiative.

Because he doesn't want surgery.

No one should be forced to, even if op has carried the contraception can all this time.

If he doesn't like condoms, and who does, a cap seems the best option in this case.

If op wants to make a point that she shouldn't be the one wearing the contraception then she can insist he wears a condom too but this wouldn't be the hill I'd die on.

There’s no such thing as a female vasectomy and female sterilisation is harder to reverse than male sterilisation (vasectomy).

He hadn't suggested any compromise. He's just hoped OP steps in and goes oh don't worry I'll get my tubes tied.

My brother had what sound like similar concerns which he was stewing over mainly by himself. What turned it around was talking to a couple of friends who, as it turned out, had also had the snip. They were more or less telling him that they had no regrets and couldn't see why you wouldn't go for it, and could reassure him about issues around pain etc. Obviously they weren't telling him it was risk-free but somehow it made it all seem much less scary to him.

Does your DH have any friends who might be able to talk it through with him?

What about this sausage as bait?

”if you have the snip, we would be having sex within two weeks. If I have to have my tubes tied, it will be 8-10 weeks”

'bait' ????
this is a grown up we are talking about

Not true in my experience