Am I being unreasonable here – because I really don’t think I am

[defaultresponsibleadult]

A little back story. Been together a very long time. He’s a great partner we share everything and have a nice loving relationship. He does pick up more mental load than most and meets me in the middle with cooking, cleaning and life admin. A man who I love deeply and is joy to be with…… normally.

My OH was at a Drs appt with me to hear some results for some worrying issues I was having. It could have been one of two things and luckily it turned out to be the good news, not the bad.

During the appt the Dr mentioned that I needed to come off hormonal birth control (and that I couldn’t have a IUD – so it may be barrier methods/abstinence). My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up.

A few days later the letter arrived confirming the appointment and he went quiet and stayed quiet for a few days. One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’ I sat there a bit confused as it was said totally out of context in the middle of dinner. I asked him clarify and then he said that he felt the snip was a bit ‘overkill’. He then just looked to me to jump in and make suggestions.

Suddenly I was irritated. In the many many years we have been together he’s never once had to pick up this concern it’s been one of the few things where the load had not been shared equally (which he acknowledged in the preamble to 'the conversation') I’ve had painful procedures, injections, pills, implants and a horrible 6 mo with a IDU that caused no end of issues. So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?’ He looked a bit shamefaced as he skirted around the issue but I could see clear as day he really wanted to broach the subject of me having my tubes tied. I said I would be happy to discuss any alternatives his research brought up. He was very obviously crestfallen and he dropped the subject.

He has not said a word about the situation since and we are now nearly at the appointment date. He has been driving me insane because he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to.

He randomly makes comments that basically show the lines of his thinking go like this:

1. He could announce/promise that we will use barrier methods and then he won’t have to have the snip – Nope, he hates them that is never going to work

1. Why won’t she just offer to have her tubes tied

1. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. He then gets irritated that he is this situation at all – is there some other birth control that she can have

1. He then gets mad at himself again because that’s still not fair and once again makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. Rinse and repeat

I am currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up as I feel he made his bed he either needs to lie in it or decide not to and then act on it - rather than wait for me to make it all OK by taking the lead and responsibility for having 'the conversation' because he wants me to give him permission not to do this thing that he feels he should do but deep down doesn't want to but i i give him permission it absolves him.

I dunno…not sure his reaction is adult like here

And he doesn't have to have the surgery. OP didn't even suggest that he does let alone pressure him into doing it.

He suggested it, had a conversation with the Dr about it, booked his appointment etc.

If he doesn't want the surgery, then all he has to do is tell OP this. If he then wants to continue having sex and not having children, he needs to look into what options are available.

Why does OP need to be the one who does the research when she isn't the one changing the current agreement?

You’re wrong. A vasectomy can be reversed very easily within the first 5 years and it’s usually successful. A female sterilisation would find it much harder

Well done👏

I don't know if there is any relevant background OP, but after I'd had our second child (following four miscarriages) I told DH my body needed a break from hormones, and that I'd done enough for our family, and that it was his turn.
He was willing to get the snip as he had seen me physically suffer and recognised he hadn't.

Any chance you have any children/labour/physical/medical trump cards to play?

No doctor checked with me that there had been any conversations about DH getting the snip. I'd have been rather surprised if they had and would have just pointed out that I considered it his choice.

Why does OP need to be the one who does the research when she isn't the one changing the current agreement?

I feel like if one thing this thread has done, is added another line item to the master spreadsheet of "mental load" carried by women: "Research and manage contraception". Possibly also, "Reassure grown men that the contraception options are not going to make them less of a man".

So then he can also choose not to ho ahead with it.

Just for info:

Chronic/lifelong pain following a vasectomy is much more common than many people think.

reddit.com/r/postvasectomypain/s/ijaPcpJj2U

Having got to 50s without having a vasectomy I can see how it now seems "overkill"!

I was on the pill until I was 35 & it was always a given that that would be my stint of contraception over!

"he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to"
Omg this made me laugh out loud!
Bloody men 🙄

@MissJoGrant
“Just for info:

Chronic/lifelong pain following a vasectomy is much more common than many people think”

And tubal ligation and the long term effects for women are completely risk free?

YANBU in refusing to volunteer to put yourself ‘under the knife’ instead of him.

However, I would change the dynamic of the conversation.

Make it clear that you won’t be getting your tubes tied. Tell him why: much bigger procedure than vasectomy, you have done all the contraception horrible so far, you would be happy to use condoms.

But ask him what it is that is spooking him about the procedure or its outcome. Sympathise. Tell him you would be apprehensive too. That you are coming up to menopause so understand about losing a sense of being fertile. That it’s ok to be nervous about surgery. That if he doesn’t want to go through with it, that’s fine, his body and you will gladly use condoms.

Fuck that

DH had a vasectomy (twice - they couldn't finish the first one and he ended up under GA)

I've gone through four pregnancies, two live births and lost a fallopian tube in the process. That's before the pelvic floor shitshow and general birth injuries associated with birthing a human

A vasectomy is the least my DH could do 'for the team'
And female sterilisation is done under GA - because it's bloody invasive

He needs to grow the fuck up. Or resign himself to abstinence.

YADNBU

Real estate???

I understand exactly why you're annoyed Op and won't raise the subject, no one tried to talk him into a vasectomy, he said he would do it and now he's backpeddling frantically. You've taken the hit with hormonal treatments for years and now that's no longer possible he needs to make a choice, but if he hates condoms that choice would mean no sex life. He is fishing for you to say you'll have an Op so he can still have his fun without any responsability and I bet you're kind of enjoying watching him fight with his conscience.
Quite honestly at 50 your fertility is waning so if he won't get the snip then fair enough but I'd make it quite clear there will be no PIV sex without a condom, it's that or nothing

Just curious, what's happening at the moment? The way he's going I wouldn't be surprised if all this emotion stress is enough to make him impotent!

In this situation, yes, it is. The OP has run out of options. She has taken responsibility up until now.

His turn!!

Not sure where you studied gynaecology but you need to go back.

Love the way youve stood your ground with your DH OP!

However, I must say... once you hit 50, the chances of conceiving naturally with regular sex is 1% I believe.

Aged 20s/30s, having sex and using a condom, the chance of conceiving is 2% (condoms only 98% affective) so I think the chance of pregnancy is quite slim even without any protection. And less than a woman in peak fertility using condoms.

Of course he can - no one including the OP is suggesting he’s manacled to the operating table. Merely that she’s not going to take a hint and tell him not to trouble his testes because mummy she will take care of it all herself instead.

Average age of menopause is 51. Chance of a woman conceiving at 50 is less than 1%. Even less chance of a successful pregnancy proceeding. It’s a very different scenario to a couple in their 30s.

1% is too big a chance to take if you couldn't cope with the potential!!

I did have a tubal ligation, but it was my choice and it was done immediately following my last c/section. As it turned out, I was 40 at the time and menopausal by my early 40s.

My husband, like so many men, was so bloody precious about his fucking crown jewels, it made me cross!! I don't think he would ever have done it, not even after fertility investigations, c/sections, or miscarriages complete with D&C!! Plus I breastfed so he didn't even have to get up in the night to tend to a baby!

I'd let him stew @defaultresponsibleadult! He either does it, or he doesn't. No vasectomy, no sex without a condom. Tough shit if he doesn't like it.

You could only be looking at a relatively short window potentially - or it could be another 10 years. You just don't know. The ball (no pun intended, or maybe it is!!) is firmly in his court on this one!

Then tell him that. Simple.

Tell that to the OP's ovaries!!! She has already said that late menopause/pregnancies run in her family!

The recommendation is that even after 50, a woman should carry on using contraception until one year after her last period.

You do realise that "average" is the median of a wide range of data?

I wouldn't take the risk either.