Am I being unreasonable here – because I really don’t think I am

[defaultresponsibleadult]

A little back story. Been together a very long time. He’s a great partner we share everything and have a nice loving relationship. He does pick up more mental load than most and meets me in the middle with cooking, cleaning and life admin. A man who I love deeply and is joy to be with…… normally.

My OH was at a Drs appt with me to hear some results for some worrying issues I was having. It could have been one of two things and luckily it turned out to be the good news, not the bad.

During the appt the Dr mentioned that I needed to come off hormonal birth control (and that I couldn’t have a IUD – so it may be barrier methods/abstinence). My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up.

A few days later the letter arrived confirming the appointment and he went quiet and stayed quiet for a few days. One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’ I sat there a bit confused as it was said totally out of context in the middle of dinner. I asked him clarify and then he said that he felt the snip was a bit ‘overkill’. He then just looked to me to jump in and make suggestions.

Suddenly I was irritated. In the many many years we have been together he’s never once had to pick up this concern it’s been one of the few things where the load had not been shared equally (which he acknowledged in the preamble to 'the conversation') I’ve had painful procedures, injections, pills, implants and a horrible 6 mo with a IDU that caused no end of issues. So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?’ He looked a bit shamefaced as he skirted around the issue but I could see clear as day he really wanted to broach the subject of me having my tubes tied. I said I would be happy to discuss any alternatives his research brought up. He was very obviously crestfallen and he dropped the subject.

He has not said a word about the situation since and we are now nearly at the appointment date. He has been driving me insane because he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to.

He randomly makes comments that basically show the lines of his thinking go like this:

1. He could announce/promise that we will use barrier methods and then he won’t have to have the snip – Nope, he hates them that is never going to work

1. Why won’t she just offer to have her tubes tied

1. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. He then gets irritated that he is this situation at all – is there some other birth control that she can have

1. He then gets mad at himself again because that’s still not fair and once again makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. Rinse and repeat

I am currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up as I feel he made his bed he either needs to lie in it or decide not to and then act on it - rather than wait for me to make it all OK by taking the lead and responsibility for having 'the conversation' because he wants me to give him permission not to do this thing that he feels he should do but deep down doesn't want to but i i give him permission it absolves him.

Your thoughts and feelings are totally reasonable albeit a lot of them are speculation as to what you think your DH might be thinking.

The not speaking to your DH about this isn’t helping. Just talk about contraception and/or the snip. Bring it up. Stop the silence.

My DP had the snip 5 years ago. He found it liberating and so did I.

You are a bloody shero for standing your ground OP.

he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to

I'd want to take a knife to his knackers myself.

You are sublime, stay right where you are and don't budge an inch.

I completely applaud your boundary. He has a choice snip or condoms. He needs to instigate discussions you've done your bit 1

Well done you!!

Stand your ground op. I wish I'd put my foot down decades ago - I went through a termination and then blood clot caused by the pill, after which I went on to a different type of pill, all whilst husband dithered on getting the snip. It's only dawning on me now, in menopause, that he never actually shared the load of preventing pregnancy and was quite happy for me to carry the burden even though he was dead set against children. So let him carry this one.

Definitely NOT being unreasonable! I was very lucky after my 3rd child that my now Ex H said he would get the snip as I had been through enough with 3 c sections (he def didn't want any more children). When the time came he began to get cold feet and on the day, asked the consultant if a General Anaesthetic would be a sensible option - the consultants reply: "A General Anaesthetic is really not required for a procedure as small and quick as this one"!!!!

Why ARE men so sensitive about having a tiny incision in a part of the body they don't see and a teeny tiny tube cut? We females have to undergo boobs being squished for mammograms, cervix being cranked open and scraped for smears not to mention coil fittings and suchlike. Thats even before anything more serious! Bloody load of wimps - all of them 😉😉😉

Bloody good for you. Stand firm. Why are men so squeamish about vasectomy?

I decided to be sterilised after 3 DC.
It was totally my decision as I had 3 DC & wanted no more, he only had/s the 1 (with me) & is a bit younger, so I made that decision that he could go onto have more if he wanted if anything happened to me/ we split. BUT he fought against this & said he would get a vasectomy if I preferred this. That's a man taking responsibility.

I tell everyone that my sterilisation was very intrusive, very very painful & recovery was rough. I did not know it would be so difficult. If I had I don't think I'd have had it. Vasectomy is quick & simple.

Stand your ground OP.

Ok, I will admit I was surprised at the responses as my best mate felt I was being a total AH for not just taking on the issue and ‘letting him off the hook’ so I was expecting to get ripped to shreds – especially on AIBU!

To answer some questions

Ages - early 50’s

Snip or condoms – happy with either. He hates condoms and would rather not have sex than use one.

Did he actually ask? No but he started skirting around the subject with ‘well you, rather than me, have all the ‘tubes and real estate’ that matter in these types of things so wouldn’t it better if um….’ But he didn’t want to actually say it and then it be out there in the world sat between us on the kitchen table looking all unreasonable next to the beef stroganoff. So, I pretended to misunderstand and say that the Dr had ruled out an IUD. (said with actual bunny fingers quotations.)

You seem to made a lot of assumptions? Yes, that is true. We have lived together longer than we ever lived without each other. We can usually have a whole ass conversation across a crowded room with eyebrows alone.

Could he be apprehensive about an vasectomy? Yes he could, and I would happily chat through that but that’s not really what this is about is it? Not really.
Why not get it out in the open? I would be happy to, when he decides to talk about it but rather than do that he is going to be passive aggressive about the whole thing and hope I’m am going to step in and save him.

Is the appointment or the procedure? It’s the appointment only, not the procedure

Ok, I will admit I was surprised at the responses as my best mate felt I was being a total AH for not just taking on the issue and ‘letting him off the hook’ so I was expecting to get ripped to shreds – especially on AIBU!

Yeah, in real life, people are batshit. A friend booked an appointment to have her coil removed and the nurse asked her whether she'd discussed it with her husband, then refused to do it until her husband and her had talked about it. MINDBLOWING.

I think some men liken it to castration too, lessoning their manliness 🙄

After 3 births, 1 surgical miscarriage management, 1 botched abortion and 1 botched coil insertion I was pretty damn done with being messed with. Thankfully DH volunteered for a vasectomy before I'd even thought of it as any decent man should.

Continue to completely ignore all of his passive comments. Play dump and ignore.
If he wants a proper, grown up conversation, he needs to raise this with you properly and come prepared with alternatives.

If he thinks you will step in based on his mardy face, mopy attitude and victim aura, he'll do this again in the future.

"So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?"

THIS!!! almost like saying to him "ill leave it with you"

Love that response.

Would you really be a bit sullen about it though, or would you have a proper grown up conversation about it with your partner, where you discuss the various different options and their pros and cons, and then come to a decision together?

Why not get it out in the open? I would be happy to, when he decides to talk about it but rather than do that he is going to be passive aggressive about the whole thing and hope I’m am going to step in and save him.

fwiw I think you are both being passive aggressive by deliberately avoiding the conversation. It’s not going to solve itself.

If I were you, this would be my position.

"I may be near menopause and therefore an intrusive operation makes no sense for me. If you aren't willing to have the much more minor operation, then it's condoms or NO SEX until my periods have ceased for a year. That could happen within the next 13 months or I could be one of those women whose menopause happens in her very late 50s.

So - is it vasectony, condoms, or no sex - the latter 2 options for at least a year and possibly several years?"

Well done for being strong here. Just wanted to add that getting your tubes tied is not an option in some NHS trusts. They say it is but then won’t fund it as there are cheaper alternatives, including vasectomy.

Yes, OP, it looks from your post that he hasn't actually suggested you get sterilised?

Sure, he might be thinking 'I wish she could get her tubes tied' but from your post it seems that he's fully aware that wouldn't be fair, so hasn't said anything.

So I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to point out that a vasectomy is the most appropriate option - clearly, it is! But I don't think that means he isn't allowed to feel a bit miserable about having it done. Yeah, it's a small procedure, but it's not exactly a joyful experience.

I think we all experience medical things we know are necessary, but still get massively grumpy about.

I'd also wonder whether he really knows exactly what it entails? Maybe he thinks it's a worse operation than it actually is? And you don't say how old you are, or whether you already have kids - is he maybe wondering what would happen if you were to leave him and he then meets someone else who wants kids?

It's him who has the problem.

He offered to get a vasectomy after OP got her good news. He agreed with the Dr to make the appointment or whatever. He got the letter and is having second thoughts.

If he has the problem, why should OP be the one to raise it? I don't think that's passive aggressive.

I actually think it's very reasonable of him not to want to get the snip (you never know what might happen in the future and since men can have children until much later in life, if you were to separate, for example, it's not totally wild for him to want to have more kids). However, it's totally unreasonable for him to expect you to have your tubes tied, for all the reasons you have mentioned. If he doesn't want the snip he needs to wear a condom, it's that simple.

I think you're doing great! At this point if your DP were to actually make a direct comment about what I thought 'we' should do about contraception I'd give him a hard stare and say "Well, right now abstinence sounds pretty good to me".

That being said, I had my tubes tied at 40 when DH refused the snip. But I did it because not getting pregnant was more important to me than his cowardice. Do I still hold a tiny bit of resentment 20+ years later? Yes, but the fact that I didn't have an unwanted pregnancy in my 40s or early 50s trumps that resentment easily.

Maybe, but then again I am waiting for him to come back with the alternatives. That was where the conversation ended.

Yes, i'm not actively looking to raise the subject and that could be considered passive aggressive, but to be fair i think its more along the line of being stoic as i can afford to wait... i'm not the one with an appointment looming.

So contraception and fertility isn’t a joint problem. It’s a him problem?

Besides he did bring it up and got a passive aggressive response from OP

”One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’….
So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?”

Many NHS areas won't even do female sterilisation ops when vasectomy is an option for the male partner as it's much cheaper and has fewer complications.