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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable here – because I really don’t think I am

248 replies

defaultresponsibleadult · 19/09/2023 13:00

A little back story. Been together a very long time. He’s a great partner we share everything and have a nice loving relationship. He does pick up more mental load than most and meets me in the middle with cooking, cleaning and life admin. A man who I love deeply and is joy to be with…… normally.

My OH was at a Drs appt with me to hear some results for some worrying issues I was having. It could have been one of two things and luckily it turned out to be the good news, not the bad.

During the appt the Dr mentioned that I needed to come off hormonal birth control (and that I couldn’t have a IUD – so it may be barrier methods/abstinence). My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up.

A few days later the letter arrived confirming the appointment and he went quiet and stayed quiet for a few days. One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’ I sat there a bit confused as it was said totally out of context in the middle of dinner. I asked him clarify and then he said that he felt the snip was a bit ‘overkill’. He then just looked to me to jump in and make suggestions.

Suddenly I was irritated. In the many many years we have been together he’s never once had to pick up this concern it’s been one of the few things where the load had not been shared equally (which he acknowledged in the preamble to 'the conversation') I’ve had painful procedures, injections, pills, implants and a horrible 6 mo with a IDU that caused no end of issues. So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?’ He looked a bit shamefaced as he skirted around the issue but I could see clear as day he really wanted to broach the subject of me having my tubes tied. I said I would be happy to discuss any alternatives his research brought up. He was very obviously crestfallen and he dropped the subject.

He has not said a word about the situation since and we are now nearly at the appointment date. He has been driving me insane because he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to.

He randomly makes comments that basically show the lines of his thinking go like this:

  1. He could announce/promise that we will use barrier methods and then he won’t have to have the snip – Nope, he hates them that is never going to work
  1. Why won’t she just offer to have her tubes tied
  1. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner
  1. He then gets irritated that he is this situation at all – is there some other birth control that she can have
  1. He then gets mad at himself again because that’s still not fair and once again makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner
  1. Rinse and repeat

I am currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up as I feel he made his bed he either needs to lie in it or decide not to and then act on it - rather than wait for me to make it all OK by taking the lead and responsibility for having 'the conversation' because he wants me to give him permission not to do this thing that he feels he should do but deep down doesn't want to but i i give him permission it absolves him.

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 19/09/2023 15:43

I don't see his problem. A couple/few years of condoms and then there's no issue at your ages. Leave him to it, OP, you've done your time.

Ohambassador · 19/09/2023 15:44

You describe such a loving and positive relationship in every respect pretty much

and yet rather than talking this through with him… you’re on mumsnet discussing it

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 19/09/2023 15:45

I think women are so used to be prodded a poked that it's our norm. We are used to blood, and pain. Men, well they are not. The thought of their balls being interfered with is therefore beyond their experience and their imagination runs wild.

Personally I told me DH - who I would describe very much like yours in terms of help and input, that he needed to step up or think very carefully about whether he wanted to be in the relationship. The level of selfishness involved in not going forward with it was, for me, a deal breaker. I've had 6 pregnancies, for 2 children. Stitches, C section, vbac, a terrible terrible birth, traumatic loss, I can't take the pill and it was his turn. If he didn't want to take it, I was done and done with him. He thought about it for 48 hours and booked himself in. I bloody meant it though and he knew that.

Ohambassador · 19/09/2023 15:45

And I’m fascinated your best friend thinks you’re being as AH

Presumably she elaborated on her view…. What was her reasoning for thinking you were being unreasonable?

Baneofmyexistence · 19/09/2023 15:49

YANBU. My DH had one this year. I can’t take hormonal contraception and after a difficult twin pregnancy and birth I don’t want anymore messing down there. It was his turn. If he really doesn’t want one fine, but he needs to be the grown up about it and discuss it properly with you.

Original poster
defaultresponsibleadult · 19/09/2023 15:49

Just to confirm - we have both just stepped (this last weekend in fact) from 49 over into the 50's. Also, not to put too fine a point on it - all my 'tubes and real estate' are still ticking along like fine Swiss clockwork.

Have i made a error? - i always thought 'early 50's' would be 50 to about 53 then you get to the mids and late 50's would be the 57's and onwards?

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 19/09/2023 15:51

I came on to add something but see a PP has done so - the cheek of saying "you have all the real estate" when if you sit at home alone (or indeed hook up with your girlfriend) the chance of pregnancy is zero. You're not a pregnancy timebomb waiting to go off, with his penis and testicles a mere decorative part of the scene.

Also - he's the one who ruddy volunteered for this appointment, I think you not intervening to get him out of it (despite him doing his best sad face) is the right thing. He's an adult and it was and is his choice.

WitcheryDivine · 19/09/2023 15:53

defaultresponsibleadult · 19/09/2023 15:49

Just to confirm - we have both just stepped (this last weekend in fact) from 49 over into the 50's. Also, not to put too fine a point on it - all my 'tubes and real estate' are still ticking along like fine Swiss clockwork.

Have i made a error? - i always thought 'early 50's' would be 50 to about 53 then you get to the mids and late 50's would be the 57's and onwards?

Honestly don't bother with people nitpicking about this. My friend was a little surprise for his mum when she was (I think) 52. These things can happen.

Mostlyoblivious · 19/09/2023 15:55

Ha, you are being eminently reasonable! he has to learn to use his words.

As an aside, spermicide gel is touted as 79% effective and you can use ovulation sticks to avoid those days - yes I know, the latter is on you yet again, but it might be a way forward.

Do you want him to have the vasectomy?

GaladrielHiggins · 19/09/2023 15:56

I think I would volunteer to go to the appointment with him, after all, it seems doctors like to be sure you are both happy to proceed. Then at least you will be there when he discusses whatever he has been thinking about it, and hear what advice and information he gets from the doctor.

if he is still hesitant after the appointment then you need to be firm that condoms or no sex are the only way forward.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 19/09/2023 15:56

He's being a jerk. In the scheme of things, if he won't have the snip, he'll only have to use condoms for at most five years, whereas you have been in charge of contraception for decades.

Original poster
defaultresponsibleadult · 19/09/2023 15:57

Ohambassador · 19/09/2023 15:45

And I’m fascinated your best friend thinks you’re being as AH

Presumably she elaborated on her view…. What was her reasoning for thinking you were being unreasonable?

Because, to be fair to him, hes great and she knows that. So she wanted to defend him, which I have no issue with at all. Shes a very good friend to BOTH of us.

Her position was rather similar to some on here -be the bigger person, he could be worried about the appointment or about pain/issues.

So I was a little conflicted as I could see her point but I also felt my stance was was very valid too. What do you do in that type of situation? - you post on AIBU to see, of course.

OP posts:
Ohambassador · 19/09/2023 15:58

Why does your best friend think you’re an arse hole Op? She must have elaborated

did your husband really think that a second child was a possibility with a 50 year old partner?

Ladybyrd · 19/09/2023 15:58

He had second thoughts. If you've been taking care of contraception I'd say it's on him now. If he doesn't want to have a vasectomy, and that is fair enough, just shrug and say it's fine, we'll use condoms.

Ohambassador · 19/09/2023 15:59

So your friend thinks you’re an arsehole because

Her position was rather similar to some on here -be the bigger person, he could be worried about the appointment or about pain/issues.

not much of a best friend!!

and if she is correct and you do have a wonderful marriage - why aren’t you talking about his fears?

Ohambassador · 19/09/2023 15:59

No one on this thread thinks you’re being an arse hole op

You need to find a new best friend!

AFieldGuideToTrees · 19/09/2023 16:00

Remain stoic, OP. He wants to talk about it, he can bring it up.

Ladybyrd · 19/09/2023 16:01

I don't think you should automatically assume he's thinking you should have your tubes tied either. But no, I wouldn't bring it up.

Ohambassador · 19/09/2023 16:01

Especially as your best friend will know you’ve been through a horrible health scare and poked and prodded within an inch of your life

very very odd for her to think you’re being an unreasonable arsehole

pickledandpuzzled · 19/09/2023 16:03

Default adult is the right term. You've not shut him down or stopped him raising it.

You've done your bit.

If he has something to say then he needs to say it. It's not your job to facilitate the conversation.

Queenofscones · 19/09/2023 16:05

If I were you I'd have to ask him whether he was planning or hoping to have a child with someone else, because that was the only rational reason for him not having a quick snip and preferring you to have a fairly major gynaecological operation. Have you checked that he understand what a vasectomy involves? I once worked with a young man who seemed to think it involved having his testicles removed.

cocksstrideintheevening · 19/09/2023 16:07

I am in a somewhat similar position except it has been going on for three years. He won't even take responsibility for buying condoms so no sex it is.

TBH my libido is through the floor anyway, a mix of peri and his complete refusal to even consider the idea.

LadyDanburysHat · 19/09/2023 16:07

I see no reason why you need to be the bigger person and raise it yet again. You have already told him you would happily discuss his research of which none has appeared.

And honestly, he is 50 and dicking about like this? That makes him even more unreasonable.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 19/09/2023 16:07

You are both bring unreasonable.

What is wrong with neither having invasive surgery and you use condoms?

Or you both have surgery.

Ywbu to expect the other to have it and not want it yourself.

Seems condoms are the way forward here.

Or a cap? Are they still a thing?

Gymnopedie · 19/09/2023 16:09

While I don't necessarily think he's thinking what if you split up and he finds a younger model to have kids with, I do suspect it's because he feels he'll be less of a 'man' if he has the snip. If that's his issue tell him to grow up.

But I do agree with PPs that you need to sit him down and talk about it. No more reading between the lines, however good at it you are normally. Stand firm and make sure you get the real reason for his reluctance, even if it makes him squirm.