Am I being unreasonable here – because I really don’t think I am

[defaultresponsibleadult]

A little back story. Been together a very long time. He’s a great partner we share everything and have a nice loving relationship. He does pick up more mental load than most and meets me in the middle with cooking, cleaning and life admin. A man who I love deeply and is joy to be with…… normally.

My OH was at a Drs appt with me to hear some results for some worrying issues I was having. It could have been one of two things and luckily it turned out to be the good news, not the bad.

During the appt the Dr mentioned that I needed to come off hormonal birth control (and that I couldn’t have a IUD – so it may be barrier methods/abstinence). My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up.

A few days later the letter arrived confirming the appointment and he went quiet and stayed quiet for a few days. One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’ I sat there a bit confused as it was said totally out of context in the middle of dinner. I asked him clarify and then he said that he felt the snip was a bit ‘overkill’. He then just looked to me to jump in and make suggestions.

Suddenly I was irritated. In the many many years we have been together he’s never once had to pick up this concern it’s been one of the few things where the load had not been shared equally (which he acknowledged in the preamble to 'the conversation') I’ve had painful procedures, injections, pills, implants and a horrible 6 mo with a IDU that caused no end of issues. So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?’ He looked a bit shamefaced as he skirted around the issue but I could see clear as day he really wanted to broach the subject of me having my tubes tied. I said I would be happy to discuss any alternatives his research brought up. He was very obviously crestfallen and he dropped the subject.

He has not said a word about the situation since and we are now nearly at the appointment date. He has been driving me insane because he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to.

He randomly makes comments that basically show the lines of his thinking go like this:

1. He could announce/promise that we will use barrier methods and then he won’t have to have the snip – Nope, he hates them that is never going to work

1. Why won’t she just offer to have her tubes tied

1. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. He then gets irritated that he is this situation at all – is there some other birth control that she can have

1. He then gets mad at himself again because that’s still not fair and once again makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. Rinse and repeat

I am currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up as I feel he made his bed he either needs to lie in it or decide not to and then act on it - rather than wait for me to make it all OK by taking the lead and responsibility for having 'the conversation' because he wants me to give him permission not to do this thing that he feels he should do but deep down doesn't want to but i i give him permission it absolves him.

This

Dagnamit.

The appointment has been pushed back to another date - three weeks down the line. However, OH does have a call with the GP this morning in a unrelated matter and in passing I suggested bringing it up in that call.

At that very second the doorbell rang and I skipped down the stairs while I fancied his face still looked like the infamous Edvard Munch painting. (not really but i would like to think it did)

Now thinking it through, this GP call might be the opener to a conversation about the whole thing as he will update me to whether he did speak about it or not - which will lead onto a wider conversation. I do hope so just so we can discuss this. We will have to wait and see.

Do update us how it goes as we are going to be approaching this as a serious conversation soon and I’d like to know how your approach went. We are about to have our second and last child, as much as we would like to consider a third, I’d be late thirties for the next one and DH would be late forties, he doesn’t want to be the old Dad in the playground (despite being pretty fit and active). We know my body due to health reasons wouldn’t cope well with another either so it’s just two for us.

My BIL is due his snip next week and out of nowhere my DH suddenly asked if I wanted him to have one. Our first child was an accidental conception due to a one off contraception fail (but a wonderful surprise!) and second conceived on our very first cycle trying so I’ve fallen pregnant on the only two occasions we’ve had unprotected sex ever. We appear to be very fertile and must be careful going forward!

At first I wanted to cry when he said it as that would be a final decision, no third baby. Then later I started to think about his wording, “do YOU want me to have one?”. Why is it my decision, why do I need to be the nasty boss in our relationship who forced him into getting it done? He should want to do his part. I didn’t raise it at the time as it didn’t really enter my head but post birth I think the feminist in me will be looking to have the conversation that my body has done enough. I think he’ll be very understanding of that but I’d like to hear it from him first rather than me telling him. It’s acknowledgement of how amazing the female body is but it needs a rest eventually!

That’s terrible advice which hopefully no one will take seriously. Seminal fluid often leaks before ejaculation and can contain enough sperm to cause a pregnancy I wouldn't suggest this to a younger more fertile woman, but the OP is 50! I'm 5 years younger than the OP and have been using this method myself for 5 years and it's been completely effective. If you track your fertility and use condoms during the days you need to and have a partner who is capable of self control, then for someone her age there's no reason this wouldn't be an effect method. Seriously, how many 50 year olds do you know who have got pregnant? For most people it's zero. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but the chances are around 1% and one would assume that's for people actively trying or using no method of birth control.

@LaDamaDeElche OP has family members who experienced really late pregnancies.

And as menopause- which she will approach- screws up your cycle, it would be a spectacularly poor choice.

YANBU to want to preserve yourself from undergoing any avoidable surgical procedure, and your DH is also NBU to want to preserve himself from undergoing any avoidable surgical procedure too.

Both of you are BU with the way you are approaching this: him - to get out the sulks, and you - to get out the avoidance.

The most mature adult way to approach it would be for both of you to avoid surgery if you feel strongly that about it, and both you to discuss it without sulking or avoidance.

I suspect he is accustomed to you rescuing him, so he is expecting this to happen on this occasion too, but I can also understand that you do not want to rescue him, since he is a grown man in the same was as you are a grown woman. That is understandable and fair, however, as his best friend and marriage partner, I would hope and expect you could both be empathic, even if you are not rescuing him.

As someone mentioned earlier in the thread, having a vasectomy is surgically easier than sterilisation for a female, even when it's laparoscopic, however, male sterilisation is not without risk, and when the father of my children went for his vasectomy, it was excruciatingly painful at the time (they did not allow sufficient time for the local anaesthetic to work for cutting) and was very painful after, which threw him into serious panic after reading articles such as the one posted in Reddit above, where people have permanent pain for the rest of their lives. Luckily his pain pain after three months, but during that time, I must admit we both worried.

Of course, knowing this, and knowing female laparoscopic sterilisation can also come with risks, does not mean either of you should undergo surgery if you don't want to. Clearly, neither of you should have to. You just both have to agree on an alternative, whether it be abstinence, or something else that you can both agree on, because surely, after all, that is the same position every other couple up and down the country and in all the world have to face if they are not pursuing the surgical option.

Your body is your body Op. his body is his body too. Both of you should have equal freedom to choose and neither of you should be forced into anything.

Tbh OP, given that you’re 50, I’m inclined to agree with posters saying that either of you undergoing surgery at this point is overkill. Even with a family history of late menopause, your fertility is really plummeting now.

My DH had a vasectomy when I was late 30’s, but if we were making contraceptive decisions now when I’m nearly 49, I’d choose condoms for a few years.

I’m not querying it’s worked for you, but I’d like to reiterate that withdrawal is not a method that anyone who really needs not to have a baby should rely on, for the reasons I stated.
Women in my family have continued to be fertile and having babies well into their 50s.

Following this as I am in the same situation. Have been together for many years, we do not have children together and don’t want any. Protection has always been my responsibility and I have been on the pill until 8 years ago when I have been told by the GP that I have to stop. We have been using the condom but I hate it and it puts both of us off.
So I suggested the snip and he was very reluctant until one day when I said very clearly that if he doesn’t have it, there will be no more sex.
Now the snip is booked for November. Have read and seen some videos on YouTube and everything made ME change my mind a bit. There are side effects that sound terrible. Not sure what to do.

Women in my family have continued to be fertile and having babies well into their 50s I’m surprised your family has avoided a story in The Sun if multiple women have conceived naturally as that is a very rare case indeed.

*multiple women in your family

Good lass! 👏

He won’t feel a thing. My husband is a wuss and he said it was fine. ✂️ 🍆

Congrats on your good news

The medical advice is all women by 55 can stop contraception as they'll be infertile - even if they're still having periods.

Women have periods without ovulating (so they're infertile) for about 5-10 years before they go through the menopause/stop periods completely. So you're infertile for usually 10 years before your periods stop, but definitely for five years before your periods stop.

I'm really surprised by all the posters who aren't bringing this up. It would be a bit of a medical miracle to have a baby at 50 and carry it to term.

(by the age of 40 three quarters of a women's eggs have abnormalities and will cause an early miscarriage if she does fall pregnant). It's still possible to have a baby until your mid 40s (but rare/difficult to conceive). And I guess there will always be outliers - but there's been news articles written about women who have babies at 50, it's so rare.

Also applies to semen - it deteriorates faster than we were led to believe - I wonder why?
The poster, however, is 50 not 55 and my point remains. She is not of the age where it’s “safe” to stop using contraception, therefore she is ovulating, potentially fertile, although with a much lower statistical likelihood of conceiving and a higher chance of “abnormalities” in any foetus conceived - and is still using contraception. Hence this discussion.
This being the case, she should use a form of contraception that’s effective, not one that’s as hit and miss as withdrawal.

Some men are just scardy cats and don't want there bits sorted. I went to have my tubes tied, which is under a GA, but it did not work, so he had no alternative but to have his tubes done. And it is a much simpler op, 15 mins under local, but it is funny watching them walk down stairs. After all a women goes through it is a simple procedure.

It’s a much much smaller less complicated op, but just a note of caution. It’s not risk free. A close relative, not husband or partner, had it done 29 years ago and suffered a great deal of pain subsequently, and still has pain to this day which nothing has really got on top of. Just one person of course and I don’t know what the odds are but it does happen.

Did you have the discussion or not @defaultresponsibleadult ?

No discussion yet.

I did mention the other day that I was happy to chat about anything that was worrying him (but didn't say what it was in relation to) He looked like he was going to say something then seemed to decide not to. Whether that was about the snip or something else, who knows.

I reiterated I loved him, lots and that I think he is a pretty awesome person (because he is). He did his genuine shy smile thing that makes him pretty damn irresistible.

but the wait goes on.

The appointment day arrived. It just so happened that we had a massive water leak in the house and I was juggling the 'I did nothing wrong, how very dare you' boiler man and the 'I don't think that is covered' Insurer so totally missed him leaving for the appointment.

He came home and said 'Its done' I was confused (as I had totally forgotten with the drama of the day) he clarified it was the snip assessment. I asked how it was and he shrugged. I asked if they explained the risks and issues, he said yes. I asked him how he felt about that? (further shrug)

Now, I should have stood firm because a shrug is not communication but I do love him and risks need to be considered and discussed with someone who is very important to you.

I said, OK lets have a chat. We discussed risks balanced against other methods. I was careful to be both understanding and supportive without agreeing to pick up the ongoing responsibility for contraception. I advised the decision on having the snip was wholly his, but if he wanted to choose another path that was OK too.

Two days later he advised me he is on the waiting list.

So there you go, I caved a little.

I don't think that's caving OP, that's adulting and partnership.

Good on you both.

You sound like a lovely grown up person @defaultresponsibleadult Congratulations! Baby steps ...

Well not baby steps 😁

Good news

Good on you, OP.