Am I being unreasonable here – because I really don’t think I am

[defaultresponsibleadult]

A little back story. Been together a very long time. He’s a great partner we share everything and have a nice loving relationship. He does pick up more mental load than most and meets me in the middle with cooking, cleaning and life admin. A man who I love deeply and is joy to be with…… normally.

My OH was at a Drs appt with me to hear some results for some worrying issues I was having. It could have been one of two things and luckily it turned out to be the good news, not the bad.

During the appt the Dr mentioned that I needed to come off hormonal birth control (and that I couldn’t have a IUD – so it may be barrier methods/abstinence). My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up.

A few days later the letter arrived confirming the appointment and he went quiet and stayed quiet for a few days. One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’ I sat there a bit confused as it was said totally out of context in the middle of dinner. I asked him clarify and then he said that he felt the snip was a bit ‘overkill’. He then just looked to me to jump in and make suggestions.

Suddenly I was irritated. In the many many years we have been together he’s never once had to pick up this concern it’s been one of the few things where the load had not been shared equally (which he acknowledged in the preamble to 'the conversation') I’ve had painful procedures, injections, pills, implants and a horrible 6 mo with a IDU that caused no end of issues. So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?’ He looked a bit shamefaced as he skirted around the issue but I could see clear as day he really wanted to broach the subject of me having my tubes tied. I said I would be happy to discuss any alternatives his research brought up. He was very obviously crestfallen and he dropped the subject.

He has not said a word about the situation since and we are now nearly at the appointment date. He has been driving me insane because he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to.

He randomly makes comments that basically show the lines of his thinking go like this:

1. He could announce/promise that we will use barrier methods and then he won’t have to have the snip – Nope, he hates them that is never going to work

1. Why won’t she just offer to have her tubes tied

1. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. He then gets irritated that he is this situation at all – is there some other birth control that she can have

1. He then gets mad at himself again because that’s still not fair and once again makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. Rinse and repeat

I am currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up as I feel he made his bed he either needs to lie in it or decide not to and then act on it - rather than wait for me to make it all OK by taking the lead and responsibility for having 'the conversation' because he wants me to give him permission not to do this thing that he feels he should do but deep down doesn't want to but i i give him permission it absolves him.

Is there a typo in your ages Op? If you are both in 50s then no need for either party to look at sterilisation.

It's definitely not passive aggressive to ask him what other options he's come up with!

I do this with CF family member now, when they clearly want me to say that I will step in and do something for them, instead I say "Ah that's a shame, maybe there's another way YOU can sort it."

It’s a bit unclear to me how much of this he has actually said and how much of it is based on guesswork and your intuition OP?

If you were in his position and simply feeling nervous - and possibly conflicted because despite the impossibility of the situation he really had always thought there would be 2 children. Women often get broody as they approach menopause, most don’t have another baby but it’s a common feeling.

Maybe a real conversation about his feelings and some empathy for nervousness might be an approach that we’d prefer for ourselves rather than the whole narrative that women do all the legwork around contraception and he needs to man up? I’m not saying to let him off and find another solution, just to work together on getting the job done.

I will now hide since I’m clearly in a minority of one.

To answer some more questions - we have both only just stepped over the threshold from 49 to 50's. Fertility runs very late in my family and surprise late babies have been had. So much so i am not will to leave to chance.

Also Mr Default has no desire to be having babies in his 50's. If he is keen to hedge his bets that some young lovely is going to tempt him away to a 2.5 familial bliss he can ave at it and grasp the nettle and tell me he wants to keep swimming just in case!

Vasectomy is probably still easier but actually is female sterilisation that difficult/problematic now that it's done by laparoscopy (that's if you can actually get the op?)

Just for anyone thinking about getting it done under their own steam, as it were.

@MatildaTheCat

Please Dont hide!

I asked the question if i was being unreasonable. I am pleased you replied!

Other opinions are just as valid :)

I dont get this... just have a fucking conversation, you are grown ups.

You are 'assuming' what he thinks and being petty, he has attempted to open a conversation and you shot it down. This is not the type of thing to play mind games over and will end in resentment, hatred and the end of your relationship.

All you have to do is say 'it is up to you if you have it or don't and I am not making a judgement either way about your body but I will not be doing anything to my body so its barrier or abstinence' its really not bloody hard.

I can't believe adults can get to being married and not just be able to say that to each other and instead go around believing they can read minds like a knock off superhero.

I agree with this in principle but it only works if he brings his honest feelings to the table instead of hinting around it and expecting OP to drive the conversation. That's what (I think) OP is finding so frustrating, he, at the very least, needs to take responsibility for communicating his nervousness and opening up a conversation about it and instead he's dropping hints and expecting OP to pick up the rope.

So if there’s no obvious answer, you don’t know why he’s suddenly so hesitant then? Have you not asked him?

if you ask him and he says it’s the invasive ness of the procedure then from what you’ve said about him, it’s very unlikely he’ll be pushing you into having the same procedure surely?

why don’t you just ask him what the problem is?

If he is not sufficiently bothered to open up a conversation then why should OP. It doesn't affect her at the moment. As far as OP is concerned they, as a couple, have decided that he will attend an appointment to discuss a possible contraceptive procedure.

After that appointment they will talk. Until then, no discussion is necessary unless he is having second thoughts, in which case he needs to say so like an adult and not expect her to have to drag it out of him.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

It's another demonstration of how women are expected to put up with all the crap/suffering.

He's either prepared to do it or he isn't.

Stick to your guns. It's not up to you to take this on. If he has something to say, he can say it.

You’ll probably get told go for the whole thing and have a hysterectomy to cover any other potential problems. Your dh just has a straight forward procedure to get through. Tell him that you’ve been through a difficult time and now it’s up to him. He can use condoms so let him sort that out.

He needs to man up and have a conversation. You shouldn't need to force him. I remember early in our relationship DH and I had a conversation about permanent contraception after kids. He mentioned tubal ligation because vasectomies can leave men in pain afterwards 🤔. I asked if he'd looked at the possible adverse affects from a tubal ligation including failure rates, risk of ectopic pregnancies, and all the general risks from a surgery under general anaesthetic that is a far bigger surgery than a vasectomy. Of course he hadn't. He looked, realised he was being a complete knob and apologised. Still didn't like the idea of someone being near his bits with a scalpel though and very readily agreed condoms were his favoured option. Wore them every time zero complaint.

I dont understand why there is even a need for the conversation.
the apt is made. I would not utter one single word in reference to it.
Until the day after, then I would say, so it went ok yes? When is the procedure?
And see what he says.
He ALREADY agreed to the apt.
I wouldnt entertain any BS or pussyfooting around.
the decision was made as soon as he agreed to the apt.

I think permanently ending fertility is a psychological barrier for some of us. I had to have a hysterectomy for health reasons, I have 4 children and had no plans to have more. I was in my 40s so the menopause was looming so my fertility would end in the not to distant future but I still found it difficult. I joked with my husband/consultant/friends that it was fine, my equipment had done it's duty and was now redundant but inside there was a little voice that kept screaming "NO."

I think for men that might be even harder as they don't have the same end of fertility that us women always know is going to happen.

Quite apart from all that my husband did have the snip (pointless in the end) but from the discussion he had at the clinic I don't think they'd have done it if they weren't sure he was 100% happy with the decision so I don't think your husband is likely to get it.

It must be annoying that he has second thoughts but on the other hand his intentions were good, he's just finding putting it into action a bit difficult.

I hope you can work through it as it sounds like you have a lovely relationship and congratulations on your good news.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
But I also think that the chances of you actually becoming pregnant must be very close to zero. I think I'd be comfortable tracking ovulation and avoiding potentially fertile times at this stage of the game.

DO NOT go to the appointment with him. Make him do the thinking and talking through himself.
If you go with him he’ll be able to look helpless and look to you for the answers.
He may be apprehensive but he brought up the idea in the first place ffs, if he’s changed his mind he should just say so.
Vasectomy is a very simple, minor op. Thousands of men get it done with no issue. Tubal ligation is much more complicated.

I don't think either partner should be obliged to have permanent sterilisation. I don't know what the answer is though.

*currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up

rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?"*

You are doing great @defaultresponsibleadult

Hold the line. No PIV activities until a solution is agreed. Fortunately, there are plenty of alternatives to be going on with.

he started skirting around the subject with ‘well you, rather than me, have all the ‘tubes and real estate’ that matter in these types of things so wouldn’t it better if um….’

This is a key piece of information, OP
He reveals in this comment that he sees fertility and therefore the responsibility for controlling it as YOUR problem, as if it's solely YOUR anatomy involved. He also has the 'tubes and real estate' that matter in these types of things. You wouldn't be worrying about this if you were a lesbian, would you?
Furthermore, by his behaviour he is putting the responsibility for raising the subject and having the conversation on YOU - because clearly, it's only to benefit you that he would have a vasectomy.

If its useful info, DP had a vasectomy after our 4th child (we were late 30s) we had been using barrier methods (condoms and/or diaphragm) and he was completely confident he wanted no more children. He was uncomfortable for a few days that's all. It did take a loooong time to get a clear result. But it was a very, very good decision. Sex without the fear of pregnancy has a lot to recommend it.

Condoms.

He is the one that has a problem with that though.

My husband had the snip intending to recuperate on the sofa with a few films for a few hours/a day..2 hours later he was bored silly and went back to work.

At the end of the day he doesn't want a scapel wielded at his pride and joy...understandable and not something you can force him to do. He hasn't mentioned you getting you tubes tied so I don't think you can get angry at that. What about that app where you measure your temp and it tells you when it's safe to have sex. If you are desperate to when it's not safe he can use a condom or you can do other stuff.

Neither of you want or are going to have an op so take that out of the occasion.

Well done, you are a rock star. The breaking he does so much, including the mental load is because this is how you are keep it up. He can have an adult discussion, face his own selfishness and move on or he can get the snip not wanting it it's really not your problem.

You 49? But I thought you said early fifties?

in any event 3. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

does he understand biology and the chances of this happening?