Am I being unreasonable here – because I really don’t think I am

[defaultresponsibleadult]

A little back story. Been together a very long time. He’s a great partner we share everything and have a nice loving relationship. He does pick up more mental load than most and meets me in the middle with cooking, cleaning and life admin. A man who I love deeply and is joy to be with…… normally.

My OH was at a Drs appt with me to hear some results for some worrying issues I was having. It could have been one of two things and luckily it turned out to be the good news, not the bad.

During the appt the Dr mentioned that I needed to come off hormonal birth control (and that I couldn’t have a IUD – so it may be barrier methods/abstinence). My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up.

A few days later the letter arrived confirming the appointment and he went quiet and stayed quiet for a few days. One evening out of nowhere he blurted out that ‘couldn’t we consider something else?’ I sat there a bit confused as it was said totally out of context in the middle of dinner. I asked him clarify and then he said that he felt the snip was a bit ‘overkill’. He then just looked to me to jump in and make suggestions.

Suddenly I was irritated. In the many many years we have been together he’s never once had to pick up this concern it’s been one of the few things where the load had not been shared equally (which he acknowledged in the preamble to 'the conversation') I’ve had painful procedures, injections, pills, implants and a horrible 6 mo with a IDU that caused no end of issues. So, rather than be my normal helpful self I just sat there and said ‘What had he looked into as an alternative?’ He looked a bit shamefaced as he skirted around the issue but I could see clear as day he really wanted to broach the subject of me having my tubes tied. I said I would be happy to discuss any alternatives his research brought up. He was very obviously crestfallen and he dropped the subject.

He has not said a word about the situation since and we are now nearly at the appointment date. He has been driving me insane because he has been projecting a visage like a pouty school boy who’s mum is making him do something he doesn’t want to.

He randomly makes comments that basically show the lines of his thinking go like this:

1. He could announce/promise that we will use barrier methods and then he won’t have to have the snip – Nope, he hates them that is never going to work

1. Why won’t she just offer to have her tubes tied

1. He then gets mad at himself that he really secretly wants number 2, but that’s not fair and makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. He then gets irritated that he is this situation at all – is there some other birth control that she can have

1. He then gets mad at himself again because that’s still not fair and once again makes him feel like he is a hypocrite and terrible partner

1. Rinse and repeat

I am currently feeling a bit mean because I’m a purposely not bringing the matter up as I feel he made his bed he either needs to lie in it or decide not to and then act on it - rather than wait for me to make it all OK by taking the lead and responsibility for having 'the conversation' because he wants me to give him permission not to do this thing that he feels he should do but deep down doesn't want to but i i give him permission it absolves him.

Surely in your early 50s there’s little need for contraception anyway? If you were actively trying to get pregnant there’d be a 1% chance of conceiving. I really don’t mean to be rude or offensive by saying this!

I have a similar issue that DH won't consider it (he is really phobic of needles)

I tried to speak to the doctor and the sexual health clinic in my area about getting my tubes tied but have been told any areas of the UK do not offer sterilisation for women for birth control!

He could quite possibly just miss the appointment and stay mum until you’re 60 and past menopause.

"... My OH was so relieved at the news he made a joke to the Dr that he would book in to have the snip immediately. She took the statement at face value, confirmed that it was something he had been considering and advised she could book an appointment for several months away for a chat. He was absolutely fine with that and thanked her for setting it all up."

So - he likes to present to the outside world that he is more than willing to do this. He likes to be seen as 'a good guy'. And as long as he can be seen as a good guy, he doesn't feel the pressure to actually be a good guy.

No way should OP have to go through a major operation rather than use condoms for a couple of years or her DH have a far less impactful procedure.

I would stick to your guns OP. If he doesn't want a vasectomy and you don't want sterilisation, then it's abstinence or condoms for a few years.

Would abstinence upset you more than him? You are happy with condoms I think?

Is he scared? Or just wants to keep his options open, maybe children in the future? If he's scared a talk with the Dr might help, it is a fairly simple procedure and they may be able to convince of that. If he wants to keep the ability to be a Dad perhaps he could freeze some sperm first, people's lives do take very unexpected turns sometimes. My DH is terrified of operations even small procedures, although you would think he would take such things in his stride!

I think a frank discussion is required.

YANBU X

I'm not sure whether you have children. Might have missed that.

My OH (after 3 children) said he did not want the snip and acknowledged that it was because he was a coward - I said nothing. I did however give him the look! - the one the children got when they knew they were doing wrong!

A few weeks later he said he had booked the op - he had a change of heart because he knew it made the best sense.

Ironically, the year after he had it done I needed a hysterectomy - belt and braces for us!

You’d likely struggle to get a doctor to agree to female sterilisation at your age. You’re in your 50s so the chance of a naturally conceived pregnancy is very very low anyway. Surely it’s just the snip or condoms? It’s not like you’re both 31 and might want another child!

You wouldn't be able to get sterilised just because your husband doesn't want a vasectomy. Sterilisation is much more risky, involves a general anaesthetic, and also the waiting time is so long you'd probably be menopausal by the time it was done.

@defaultresponsibleadult with every update, I like you more!

Yanbu.
I told DH I wanted to come off the pill and not use hormonal contraceptives anymore. He said he was happy to have the snip.

His reasoning was that I’d been through 3 difficult pregnancies, 2 complex caesareans, 20+ years of the pill. That although he was a bit nervous about the procedure, it was fair that he do it.

Yes, he was apprehensive about it and talked about that with me. But he never sulked or made me feel bad. It was a quick procedure and he recovered with no complications.

Your DH needs to communicate if he’s not happy.

Depends on the Trust. In my trust, you get an "interview" with a doctor to discuss it and an assessment is made on whether or not you can have it or not based on medical and other issues. In my case, I was told I could and put on the waiting list - I was told I'd receive a date within the next 6 weeks and the appointment would be within 3 months. At the appointment, the doctor asked at length about DH and why he wasn't having a vasectomy before he approved it.

Incidentally, DH subsequently did then try to go for a vasectomy, but astonishingly, the person checking him in for the appointment talked him out of it and basically told him that I should be getting the coil!!!! I am still angry about that.

This is not passive aggressive!! It’s a very fair, straightforward response from someone who is not going to do the work here. Passive aggressive would be more like if she had said
well, someone has to look into all the options and one of the two of us has done quite a lot of the heavy lifting on this topic for our whole life together. Did I say quite a lot? I meant all of it. So who do you think that someone Should be?

Why is it passive aggressive to not jump in to fix what is ostensibly his problem? Of course contraception is a joint problem (which OP is clearly open to discussing) but his upcoming appointment is his alone because it's a personal decision about his own body.

Having initially offered to have the snip of course it's his responsibility to come back with alternatives if he doesn't want to do it, he can't just put it back on OP's shoulders to solve, especially as she has already been 'solving it' their whole married life.

I refused to use any more contraption following years of contraption. Then 7 years of fertility treatment, 2 D&C and 2 c sections. I said condoms or no sex. We absolutely didn't want anymore children. Everyone suggested I got sterilised his mum, my mum and his sisters. My DH arranged the vasectomy. Even the GP tried to discourage him. The GP (F) sent him an email outlining all the contraption choices available to ME. CF! To be fair it took him 2 years of no sex without a condoms but he did it. I have done enough prevention, investigation, treatment, injections ect to last a lifetime.

The vasectomy itself was very easy. it took less than 10 minutes. He had a 1 cm wound and was fine within 48 hours. He couldn't lift for a week.

he is a hypocrite and terrible partner - well he's right! All the nice DPs I know in similar situations got the snip, including mine, and haven't looked back. About bloody time too after all the medicating and shit we've had to endure. However in your 50s, if he's such a wuss about it, can't he just wait it out, use condoms till there's no risk and if he doesn't like that he can lump it? (And you sort yourself out in other ways). What you 1000% must not do is have your tubes tied. He clearly daren't even bring that up as it's so so unreasonable. YANBU at all.

Does your DH actually know it's way riskier for women? We were in the same position, once DH realised how much more invasive it was for me he was totally there for it. I didn't like condoms any more than him. His only regret was not doing it years before and saving me some of the issues hormonal contraception had caused. Stand your ground!

To be fair, the doctor quizzed my DH about whether he was sure his wife agreed before he’d refer him for a vasectomy… still ridiculous, but at least it’s consistently ridiculous for both sexes.

OP, don’t let him off. Let him broach having your tubes tied and ask him if he’s really suggesting that you get major surgery so that he doesn’t have to have a tiny procedure. Ask him what that says about him.

YABU for projecting this whole thing on him based on the conversation you've actually had. Alternative reading:

-he suggests the snip
-he gets cold feet and thinks "shit, isn't there an alternative", brings it up and there isn't, doesn't pursue it
-spends the subsequent time thinking "shit shit really don't wanna get the snip" and having perfectly reasonable nerves about it, but not raising this properly because he's recognised it's his responsibility / because he's determined to go through with it.

I do get what you mean about knowing what the other one is thinking, but if he's generally a decent human being surely there has to at least be SOME benefit of the doubt given, rather than be pissed off on so little evidence?

Maybe once he's had the appointment he will feel better about it. He's just scared that's all. When he realises what a simple procedure it is, he will most likely book to have it done.

But yes OP, I agree with you. The onus is on him to raise the subject if it's bothering him.

Oh, I'd leave him to it. No doubt. He can decide between condoms and a vesectomy on his own, it doesn't need further discussion. Stand your ground.

Stick to your guns. Don't have sex unless/until you're comfortable with the solution you both reach, whenever and whatever that is. If he can't take responsibility for having sex, he doesn't get to enjoy the privileges of having sex.

I don't really understand this at all, if the appointment is only for a chat about the snip, why is it such a big deal, it's all information gathering with the intention of making some sort of decision at this point?

I admire your stance, but I find it a little concerning that you've not asked WHY he seems to be struggling with this, could it be something to do with having children and this will basically be drawing a line under that potential option? (I know it's reversible, but not sure if there are any conditions/problems attached to that) I wouldn't want to ask OP as you haven't volunteered information about children and it's highly personal but could there be anything in that at all? Maybe he knows he's being unreasonable but he's hesitant to make such a permanent decision, so has tried to bat it back to less extreme forms of birth control but now he's been shut down has gone quiet on the whole thing?

I think you have made assumptions in your OP, and I know you say you know him like the back of your hand, but your first paragraph about a loving, caring, 50/50 partner is completely at odds with this assumed inner monologue that he would prefer you to have a VERY invasive hysterectomy before he has a very simple vasectomy? Are you sure it's not more to do with permanence, rather than WHO it is who does it?

This thread is great btw OP, well done for standing your ground!

But OP I have to ask – what is your exact age in your 50s? It's accepted medically that after the age of 55 the chance of fertility is so low that all women can stop using contraception, even if they're still having monthly periods/bleeds.

Presumably you only have a year or so left to reach that point (unless your periods have already stopped) so could he not use condoms for a year or so? It's not gonna be a long term issue.