Aibu, too much time at the gym

[Invisimamma]

Dp and I have had an argument tonight which is not like us and it's left me wondering AIBU?

He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight, I would like to lose weight too but I am not interested in the gym, it's just not for me. He's been going every day for the last month either before or after work, he works shifts so it's always different times of day. Including travel and showering he's gone about 2.5hrs each time.

He went to the gym yesterday morning before our DS birthday party and arrived back 15minutes before we needed to leave, that was fine because I had everything organised ready to go. Later on in the evening he suggested going to the gym again, I said I would rather he didn't go as he'd already been in the morning, I was tired from the party and wanted some help with the evening, dinner, packed lunches, ironing for school etc. DC are 9 and 13. He went in the huff because 'we weren't doing anything anyway.'

Today he got up and left for the gym at 3:45am so he could workout before starting work at 7am. I think this is completely batshit behaviour as now he'll just be tired tonight and fall asleep early on the sofa. He said it's because I've stopped him going in the evening now he'll need to get up early and go at this time everyday. He's planning the same tomorrow. It got a bit heated and I said where is my 12+ hours a week to do something for myself and he said I'm welcome to get up early if I want to. But I don't want to wake up early, what would I even do? Sometimes I go for a lunchtime or evening walk, I wfh.

I just think he's taking the gym to the extreme, when he joined I thought it would 2-3 times a week and I was pleased he'd found something enjoyed, I didn't realise it would be 2hrs every day and now I'm starting to resent it. Am I wrong?

It's also worth mentioning that he has a health condition that is associated with extreme fatigue and joint pain but keeping active can help, so I dont want him to stop the gym altogetether I know it's good for him.

So as not to dripfeed we've always had a fair chores/childcare/mental load balance and he still mostly doing all the same stuff around the house so I'm not really sure what my issue is, he's just really pissed me off and he can't seem to see my point of view.

Going twice a day for 2/3 hrs a time or getting up at 3.45am is excessive. Yanbu. Is there more going on here?

Weight loss is more about what you eat. This isn’t about weight. Is he actually going to the gym?

If he's still contributing round the house to the same extent then you're being unreasonable.
Why do you care so much if he gets up early to get a workout in before work?

Ahh it won't last at this pace. Sons friends get like this at times, the gym, their fit bits etc.

I suggest you find something to do while he sorts out the kids bed times out of the house

If it’s new to him then he’s probably just enjoying all the feel good hormones.
I go 4x a week between 1.5-2 hours as do cardio and weights but other days I have to fit it into 45 mins whilst my kids are doing their classes.
find a compromise but getting up at that time will ruin the evenings regardless

He is actually going to the gym, I can see the changes in his body. I do trust that there's nothing else going on. I agree that it's strange behaviour to go to gym at that time of day as a way of proving some kind of point to me for asking him not to go yesterday evening. He's taken it as I asked him not to go at all in the evening which isn't the case, it was just yesterday evening was the issue.

He's eating differently too, so it's not just the gym he's dropped about 20lbs and looking really good. My weight loss is much slower, so maybe I'm a bit jealous of that, or he can't understand why I'm not quite so hardcore about it, I'd rather make some slow steady changes.

This was my worry, maybe I am just being selfish because it's disrupted our balance and routines a bit and I need to adjust.

Honestly this would piss me off too. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's not like you want him to stop going and whilst yes, there may be a little envy on your part in relation to his weight loss, he has a family to consider too. Fair enough he should prioritise his health but twice a day seems excessive in opinion and there needs to be some compromise. If you needed help on an evening then as a family unit I think that comes first; especially when he's already been to the gym that day! He sounds a little obsessive with the gym at the moment, which must be quite frustrating for you.

The children at 9 and 13 should help with dinner and ironing.
How long was he at the gym in the morning, I never feel like I've done a good workout unless I do at least an hour.

I get up at 4 to go early in the morning. You can't moan at him for going in your time then also get annoyed when he's going in his because he might be a bit tired in the evening.

I think it's natural to overdo anything in the beginning but once newness wears out it will be more balanced. He will need rest days though which I think lots of new gym users don't realise.

I can understand why it's bothering you op.

Every day, sometimes twice, for 2.5 hours is an unusual level of commitment.

He is still pulling his weight around the house but it must be eating into the time you usually spend together.

I expect on some level you are a bit hurt that he has found something he prefers doing than hanging around at home with you.

The trouble is that he loves it now. Sitting watching tv with you used to be fine but now feels like a boring waste of time to him and you can't compete. Maybe have a conversation about that, about missing the free time you used to spend together rather than coming across as accusatory or critical. He will feel that he's solved that by going early but if he's too tired in the evening then the same applies.

In fairness when I first joined the gym I was like this too. It's that excitement of seeing the change, I really liked how it made me feel and in all honesty I found it amazing for my mental health to be away from the home.

It did wear off, I went from going 6-7 days a week for 2-3 hours (usually in the morning before work so i didnt eat into family evenings unless i missed a montimg session) to going 3-4 days a week.

DH struggled with this change in my behaviour too, I found he was getting a bit upset about me enjoying my own freedom in an environment he didn't know or understand so I asked if he wanted to be involved. I got him a gym membership and he enjoys it too, if we ever have days off together we go together to workout and it's great.

I wouldn't like it but lots of MNs have similar regimes. I never understand how both partners can dedicate that amount of time to any hobby.

I wouldn't be happy about that either. Yes your children are not young toddlers but it's still unfair to take such a large chunk of time out each day to do something entirely selfish which means as you've pointed out you're left in charge of sorting everything out and you're not getting a fair split of free time.

It almost feels like it's turning into an addiction if he can't even take a day off for his own child's birthday.

Is it still selfish though if he gets up at 3:45am to go before work while everyone is sleeping? OP says he still covers his responsibilities at home so it doesn't sound as if he is leaving her to cover things at home.

I would be concerned that he is combining gym trip with an OW.

When you get seriously into the gym, it is an addiction. You buy all the powders and supplements, you train each muscle, and you actually get a genuine anxiety when you don't go.

If he's getting in shape, clearly he's not over-training, but that's a long time away from a family...

I actually don't know what to recommend... I go to the gym 5x a week and I love it, and I would resent my OH if I was told to cut it down. Luckily with me it's an extended lunch and we don't have kids so it's not really impacting our relationship.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s impacting on family time and when you have children you have to balance things out. It’s great he’s still doing his load of the work, but it’s also important just having time together. He needs to find a bit of balance. And you need to find a class/exercise you’d like to do out of the house so you get your time also. what he’s doing is quite extreme.
As others have said, he’s probably just enjoying the quick changes he can see/feel. Once he’s lost the bulk of weight it’ll be harder to see the changes so quickly and hopefully he’ll slow down to a more sustainable pace.
Make it known you support his exercise and healthy eating habits and want him to continue, just that you want balance and want family time also.

Also on a completely different note, you iron the kids school uniform?? Never known anyone to do that. That’s one thing you can pack in to have more family time. Just give them a good shake out before hanging them on the washing line.

It selfish full stop because he is putting himself first and he knows the OP can't have the same amount of time out. Obviously she can't also fuck off for 2 hours each day because they have children to sort out unless of course she leaves the 14 year old in charge. He's also quite likely to wake some of the household up at that hour by turning on lights and bumping about.

I think going twice is excessive. I also don’t like how you want help in the vending equates to ‘we aren’t doing anything’. He means not doing something he fancies doing.

I also think 2.5 hours a day is excessive. I don’t even go for that long and I work out for an hour and then shower and go to work.

However, I think you are over reacting to him going to so early. If he starts at 7am he is unlikely to be there to help much with the kids in the morning. So I don’t see the issue with that.

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. You don’t want to go to the gym. But take time in the evening or other times when you can the exercise or relax. Get the same/similar down time.

I think he is being unreasonable wanting to go twice a day or for so long if it’s making your life harder. However, I do think there’s a bit of jealousy on your part that he is losing weight quicker and I think some of your unhappiness is down to that as well. Which is where I think yabu, a bit.

If he’s pulling his weight then it’s fine to get up early and gym. I tend to get up 5:30am and go to bed 9:30pm/10pm. The quietness is beautiful first thing. One hours exercise sets my day up nicely. Twice a day is excessive.

I actually don't know what to recommend... I go to the gym 5x a week and I love it, and I would resent my OH if I was told to cut it down.

Does he do the same?

If he’s pulling his weight then it’s fine to get up early and gym. I tend to get up 5:30am and go to bed 9:30pm/10pm. The quietness is beautiful first thing. One hours exercise sets my day up nicely.

But surely the OPs point is she can't do the above as who will mind the dc? & then if she goes in the evening I assume she feels she will miss out on family time?

Does your partner also get up at 5:30 & go to bed at 9:30?

The early morning thing isn’t weird to me, if he wants to fit it in and that’s the option that has the least impact on everyday life it’s sensible.
If he’s not doing his share at home, and you’re not getting time you need that’s a different issue and needs a serious conversation.