Aibu, too much time at the gym

[Invisimamma]

Dp and I have had an argument tonight which is not like us and it's left me wondering AIBU?

He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight, I would like to lose weight too but I am not interested in the gym, it's just not for me. He's been going every day for the last month either before or after work, he works shifts so it's always different times of day. Including travel and showering he's gone about 2.5hrs each time.

He went to the gym yesterday morning before our DS birthday party and arrived back 15minutes before we needed to leave, that was fine because I had everything organised ready to go. Later on in the evening he suggested going to the gym again, I said I would rather he didn't go as he'd already been in the morning, I was tired from the party and wanted some help with the evening, dinner, packed lunches, ironing for school etc. DC are 9 and 13. He went in the huff because 'we weren't doing anything anyway.'

Today he got up and left for the gym at 3:45am so he could workout before starting work at 7am. I think this is completely batshit behaviour as now he'll just be tired tonight and fall asleep early on the sofa. He said it's because I've stopped him going in the evening now he'll need to get up early and go at this time everyday. He's planning the same tomorrow. It got a bit heated and I said where is my 12+ hours a week to do something for myself and he said I'm welcome to get up early if I want to. But I don't want to wake up early, what would I even do? Sometimes I go for a lunchtime or evening walk, I wfh.

I just think he's taking the gym to the extreme, when he joined I thought it would 2-3 times a week and I was pleased he'd found something enjoyed, I didn't realise it would be 2hrs every day and now I'm starting to resent it. Am I wrong?

It's also worth mentioning that he has a health condition that is associated with extreme fatigue and joint pain but keeping active can help, so I dont want him to stop the gym altogetether I know it's good for him.

So as not to dripfeed we've always had a fair chores/childcare/mental load balance and he still mostly doing all the same stuff around the house so I'm not really sure what my issue is, he's just really pissed me off and he can't seem to see my point of view.

I am going to play devil’s advocate here. I can be an obsessive gym goer. I gave birth 3.5 a month and have just rejoined. My bad mood has already lifted and it’s better for my family this way. Granted I don’t go everyday but if he’s chipping in at home I’d let him.
i would also try and work out whether he isn’t going somewhere else though. Do his gym clothes smell etc? That’s usually a good give-away. I say this because my uncle used gym-going as a screen for cheating.

Yeah, it's ridiculous and excessive, OP.

I go to the gym 3x a week and do a yoga class and spend about 5 hours a week there including travelling, and it doesn't impinge on DH or anyone in the house or what they are wanting to do. In fact DDs go with me once a week. I WFH two days and go to the gym at lunch time, then also on a Saturday afternoon. the yoga class is one evening and I still make dinner before I go and eat mine when I get back.

To lose weight you have to adjust diet and eat fewer calories. I went for nine or ten months and just focused on fitness and didn't lose any weight but toned up and got much fitter, and now have reduced calories in the last few weeks and am losing 2lbs a week- 10lbs off so far.

So it is possible to lose weight doing far less and he needs to change his diet to do that, not workout endlessly and as if he is a single man with no thought for anyone else.

What further do you want me to look into? The gym app shows how long he spends there, if he's not at home or the gym he's at work. He doesn't do anything else out of the house without us. We've had a very tough year as a family, he lost his mum a few months ago, he wants to be fit and well and not let weight gain and unhealthy habits spiral. It's not an affair it's a gym habit.

You seem certain he will crash out? Why?
I get up at 5:30am and back home 8.30/9pm. Then i have to cook and eat. I normally get to bed around 11.30pm. I'm fine, i don't crash out.

OP has said he is absolutely doing his share of chores.

Women i know DO do this, they have horses. twice a day comes with the lifestyle.
I actually get so infuriated by those people that think you have to give everything you love doing up when you have children. if you can afford not to, why would you?!

It's not asking anyone to give up what they love when they have children but to not spend too long on a NEW hobby so that it is incompatible with family life.

It's about compromise and thinking about the needs of everyone else in the house, not giving up. And that you don't get a free pass from this by virtue of owning a penis.

If you don't want to compromise, you stay single and live alone.

Going to the gym can be addictive

This 👆 (apart from getting up at 4am to go to the gym).

I have never been motivated to go to the gym, and admire his commitment (which is ultimately what losing weight takes regardless of method). From what I've seen, many people get some sort of rush and find it addictive once they start so it will be something like this I'd wager.

I think it's quite common to be this obsessive when you start an exercise journey. And yes, a bit selfish - prioritising your exercise, resenting time you can't exercise etc. Usually, it balances out, especially if the person is normally sane, collaborative and equal, which it sounds like your DH is.

when DH was training for his first ever marathon, DC1 was still a baby. I didn't mind the training, but DH is a faffer, and as the runs got longer, the faffing and impact on me got worse .... so he'd come home from work but take 90 minutes to prep for a run. Or I had to do the night feeds as he couldn't be disturbed before a big run. Or he'd set his alarm for 7 but only drag himself out of bed at 8.

It came to a head when one Sunday, I'd been up with DS in the night, then got up with him at 6:30am. DH finally surfaced around 8, but faffed about until he finally left for his 3 hour run at 10:00. He walked back through the door at 14:30 having got lost, run out of battery on his phone, and landed up having to walk for ages to get home....

.... it was Mother's Day!

Needless to say, for the rest of that marathon training and the 2 subsequent marathons he ran, he was up by 7:00 and out the door before 8. But it did need to be so egregious that he could see it because before that, it was just mild niggling and I felt like I couldn't complain and he felt like I was putting up barriers.

At dick o clock in the morning? The OW has low standards then.

It doesn’t really sound sustainable but he is new and enthusiastic, he’ll likely cut back naturally or get injured! My husband thinks my running etc is pretty nuts. And I don’t understand why he would want to
stand in the cold for hours not catching fish! I’d be over the moon if my husband wanted to come for a run with me (never going to happen!) and he’s always delighted when I come on my single annual fishing outing. Your husband is actually being a good role model to your children by prioritizing his health and fitness, he’s just a bit …. overzealous! for now!

I would argue that he’s not doing his “fair share” at home if he has 17 and a half hours a week to dedicate to his hobby, and you don’t! If he is doing his fair share you should have equal amounts of free time.

In addition to this, it’s all well and good him getting up at 3:45 to go to the gym, but if this means he is too tired in the evenings to do his share of the household tasks and you end up being solely responsible for cooking, cleaning up, getting things ready for the next day etc, then that’s also not fair on you! And it’s not as though you can then go out in the evenings for 2.5 hours to spend time doing something you want to do, because he would be too tired to “hold the fort” at home.

YABVVVVU. My husband got up at 3:45 am every morning of his working life and went to the gym. So what? He fully participated in family life and household chores at evenings and weekends. He's retired now and we go together later in the day.

Your husband has a weight problem and a chronic condition that is alleviated somewhat with exercise. I think you need to ask yourself why you are so upset about him going to the gym.

It's not asking anyone to give up what they love when they have children but to not spend too long on a NEW hobby so that it is incompatible with family life.

It's not incompatible with family life if he goes early morning before work, though.

I go 6 days a week for probably 2-3 hours including travel time. I also get up at 4am to train before work on days I’m in early.

I think it sounds reasonable. Twice a day is excessive. However as long as he’s still present and pulling his weight at home he’s entitled to a hobby. I’d be angry if my husband tried to cut down my gym time

I went through something similar when I first started going to the gym, this was a good 12 years ago now. My boyfriend at the time complained because I was obsessed- I got up at 5 every day to go before work, I went on my lunch break, and sometimes I would go in the evening too. In retrospect I was obsessed, but at the time I just knew it made me feel amazing. It sounds like he’s doing the same thing, chasing the endorphins.

I wouldn’t go so often now as I would never see my husband! Currently not going at all as heavily pregnant but this time last year I was going three times a week plus 6 runs a week. Always spread out to allow for family time and making sure I wasn’t affecting housework or my DD. I think you’re just going to have to hope he relaxes eventually and starts making it fit into his life better.

I go to the gym 4/5 times a week, usually for around 1.5 hours which covers cardio and weights. Going twice in one day is excessive, and not likely to be helpful unless you are doing very specific exercises for different muscles. Getting up that early seems like a good idea as he gets his workout done without interrupting anyone else’s day. I see some people in the gym every time I go so they clearly go every day of thereabouts. Serious gym goers won’t think much of going every day so it’s not necessarily excessive. If you feel it is you and your husband need to reach a compromise that you are both happy with.

Imagine having an affair with a man who comes over at 4am every day! Sounds like torture🙂

are you sure hes even going to the gym or is he going to see another woman, thats weird

Reading all these replies about people spending 2-3 hrs in gym 5/6 times a week is crazy!!

if you don’t want to get up early to go to gym, comprise with DH and set out a routine of days where you both can do things at different times!
You say you don’t like the gym, there is loads of home workouts and online coaches that do fab workouts! 30 mins max most of them!

aside from contributing equally when do you get to spend time together as a couple without the kids if he’s in the gym or too tired from the gym?

I get the exercise and need for it. However 2.5 hrs a day is a lot of time out of a finite amount of time to fit in work, showering, eating, doing things as a family and couple time including having sex and that’s without the chores.

Well there are 2 things I'd consider. Firstly how is it impacting on shared household tasks? It sounds like he's pulling his weight so not doing less than before.
How is it impacting on 'couple' or 'family' time? Now he's getting up early, not much. Personally I wouldn't want to get up at this time snd presumably it's coming out his 'sleep allowance' so if that's what he chooses to do fair enough, as long as its not waking you. Is he still awake and decent company in the evening, or at least no noticeable change? I don't think you can complain now he's tweaked his routine however I do wonder how sustainable it is long term.

I wouldn’t care if he was getting up really early to go, although it does sound like he’s addicted/obsessive.

Your “you time” doesn’t have to be about exercising though does it OP? How about carving out time for yourself every week for cinema, and lunch with a friend. It might not equate to the large number of hours he’s spending at the gym, but you would feel better about the balance?

I don't understand all the cheating insinuations Tbh.

Sometimes when a person changes their lifestyle for example losing weight, as soon as you start seeing results it does something to you. I can't explain it but there' a drive that you get that's like no other. When I finally decided I no longer wanted to carry along extra weight, I was running twice a day for around 90 minutes at a time.

4x a week is plenty. I'm a seasoned gym goer ('elite' level in some lifts by ExRx standards) and only train 3x a week now as I mainly do compound lifts and need loads of recovery time.

Getting up early to work out before work isn’t excessive; I get up at 4 as it’s not inconveniencing the rest of
the family and I can still meet my other commitments.

However, twice in one day is probably overkill, especially at this stage. I will go twice as I separate my resistance and cardio training, but it’s not generally necessary. Neither is working out every day, in fact it’s counterproductive as you don’t get time to recover.

I would agree on once a day, but max 5 days per week. That way he makes the most progress and you get some time together and the support you need at home.