Aibu, too much time at the gym

[Invisimamma]

Dp and I have had an argument tonight which is not like us and it's left me wondering AIBU?

He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight, I would like to lose weight too but I am not interested in the gym, it's just not for me. He's been going every day for the last month either before or after work, he works shifts so it's always different times of day. Including travel and showering he's gone about 2.5hrs each time.

He went to the gym yesterday morning before our DS birthday party and arrived back 15minutes before we needed to leave, that was fine because I had everything organised ready to go. Later on in the evening he suggested going to the gym again, I said I would rather he didn't go as he'd already been in the morning, I was tired from the party and wanted some help with the evening, dinner, packed lunches, ironing for school etc. DC are 9 and 13. He went in the huff because 'we weren't doing anything anyway.'

Today he got up and left for the gym at 3:45am so he could workout before starting work at 7am. I think this is completely batshit behaviour as now he'll just be tired tonight and fall asleep early on the sofa. He said it's because I've stopped him going in the evening now he'll need to get up early and go at this time everyday. He's planning the same tomorrow. It got a bit heated and I said where is my 12+ hours a week to do something for myself and he said I'm welcome to get up early if I want to. But I don't want to wake up early, what would I even do? Sometimes I go for a lunchtime or evening walk, I wfh.

I just think he's taking the gym to the extreme, when he joined I thought it would 2-3 times a week and I was pleased he'd found something enjoyed, I didn't realise it would be 2hrs every day and now I'm starting to resent it. Am I wrong?

It's also worth mentioning that he has a health condition that is associated with extreme fatigue and joint pain but keeping active can help, so I dont want him to stop the gym altogetether I know it's good for him.

So as not to dripfeed we've always had a fair chores/childcare/mental load balance and he still mostly doing all the same stuff around the house so I'm not really sure what my issue is, he's just really pissed me off and he can't seem to see my point of view.

Given that he's still getting over his mum, gym might be part of that. It's great that he's found something positive that helps him with mental and physical health. Main thing is he's still helping out at home and working out a schedule that lets him do that.

You may need to let this one go, OP, and get him to agree a regularish routine (maybe 1 gym visit a day, 5 days a week), and have something like a regular date or film night at home so that you can spend some quiet time together and he doesn't feel as though nothing's happening.

Trouble is excessive gym time can turn fat into muscle which can increase his weight because muscle is denser than fat.

Theoretically lots of fit muscular rugby players are clinically obese by some measures, when clearly they are not.

Yes but a ripped, muscly person generally looks better than an overweight person via fat not muscle. Plus lots of internal health benefits.

I do agree btw that 2-3 hours at a time if that’s all weight lifting is excessive and likely to lead to injury. Or he’s not lifting heavy enough and doing a full body weights session each time.

most people split their training up to something like biceps/chest one day, triceps and back, shoulders another, glutes and hamstring another and quads and abs another. Or some variation. That means you’re not hammering the same muscle group multiple days a week. It also means a session is shorter.

my weights sessions are around an hour. I also work on progressive overload so I would rather do less reps of a heavier weight and build up to 10 -12 reps. Then increase the weight even if it means I’m only doing 5-6 reps and try to build up reps again. See lots of people consistently doing 4 sets of 12 reps. Which takes more time.

I might go and do 20-30 mins of cardio after weights, I might go in the pool/sauna as well but that’s the only way I’m spending 2-3 hours there.

Depends if he is after weight loss or not?

According to OP he is

My partner exercises outside of the home every day too. Not the gym, but it also removes him from the home for 2.5-3 hours at a time outside of his working hours. And it is really quite impactful on me and the kids to be honest. I completely understand your side. We manage ok with it and every so often we would have a bit of a chat and he will not go for a day or two that week, if we have something going on. But yeah, you will adjust to the schedule, although my partners is the same, so I know each day when he will be here and not. But it is extremely difficult when a partner has such a strict regime and I don’t think people who don’t experience this fully understand the impact it has on the person at home. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for being upset/stressed even though I actively allow my partner to do the same. It is very difficult.

When he says weight loss I’m pretty sure he means look better/thinner. The actual numbers on the scales don’t matter. If he is 110kg and not muscly, he will look better ant the same weight and muscly.

I was also coming on to say that every fitness program I’ve every followed stipulates rest days. This would give you both a better balance.
Do you think he’s replaced a food addiction with a gym addition? Some people just have that sort of personality (I include myself as one). All or nothing.

OPs already said he still does his fair share so no it’s not incompatible. What’s your agenda?

OP said healthier and fitter. And in all honesty she probs meant fat loss and you’re being pedantic.

My friend does a LOT but he does it to minimise disruption to family life
Weekdays he does 45 mins bike early in the morning before anyone is up, then gym/weights at lunch and then 45 mins bike after the children are in bed
Weekends he takes the children to something active like climbing or on their bikes while he runs and his wife goes off to play hockey which is her thing

OP's concern, not surprisingly, is that it isn't coming out of his sleep allowance and that he will be asleep on the sofa from an early stage in the evening, leaving her to do all the heavy lifting with family stuff.

“It's hugely important to stay fit & active and if your partner is getting up early, at a time when you'd be asleep anyways then it shouldn't really affect you? Especially if they are making sure that they are still contributing to the household & pulling their weight, but is also finding time to manage their pain condition and feel good about themselve”

true words here
sonr see how ANYONE could argue with this

@Invisimamma

surely this is better than him being overweight and unhealthy OP?

p.s in terms of finding exercise you like for yourself, what about Zumba? Or swimming? Or running?

I think it’s great. Good for him. Your DC aren’t tiny, so surely they can do a lot for themselves. I’d encourage him in getting fit and healthy.

@ZadocPDederick

you sound quite outraged that a PARENT is daring to focus on themselves and devote time to something that benefits them. It is allowed you know!!

Can you frame it differently, OP, and tell your DH how proud of him you are, for adopting a much healthier lifestyle — but (gently!) remind him you’d still like some time together for the two of you?

Depends if he is after weight loss or not?.

When people say that they want to lose weight, they generally mean that they want to lose fat.

I am a gym regular and have a relatively high muscle mass. I have noticed from the regular “If you are x height, how much do you weigh and what is your dress size?” threads on MN that my dress is usually one size less than other posters of the same weight.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. His gym habit is excessive and impacting on family time together. It’s great that he’s embracing a healthy lifestyle with increased exercise but it’s important that he balances this will all other aspects of a healthy lifestyle which includes a decent amount of sleep and quality time with family.

I completely agree. My husband has fits and starts of gym obsession and it drives me mental. How he thinks we can both work full time, have 2 primary aged kids who have 2 hobbies each as well as do all the housework and cooking then go to the gym daily for 2 hours blows my mind. There just aren’t enough hours in the day and unfortunately at this stage in our life gym is not a priority.

Agree with this. If he's still pulling his.weight around the house maybe explain that you want to spend some quality time together.

And while going to the gym twice a day is admittedly a bit much the exercise once done really does make you feel good mentally, which is an important part of life.

🙄

OP stated

"He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight"

If you put a different interpretation so be it

Pedantic ?

OP stated

"He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight"

cant argue with facts

Do have the cash and room to get some home gym equipment? This might help a bit (probably not in the morning though unless it's in the garage or something).