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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu, too much time at the gym

228 replies

Invisimamma · 18/09/2023 23:20

Dp and I have had an argument tonight which is not like us and it's left me wondering AIBU?

He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight, I would like to lose weight too but I am not interested in the gym, it's just not for me. He's been going every day for the last month either before or after work, he works shifts so it's always different times of day. Including travel and showering he's gone about 2.5hrs each time.

He went to the gym yesterday morning before our DS birthday party and arrived back 15minutes before we needed to leave, that was fine because I had everything organised ready to go. Later on in the evening he suggested going to the gym again, I said I would rather he didn't go as he'd already been in the morning, I was tired from the party and wanted some help with the evening, dinner, packed lunches, ironing for school etc. DC are 9 and 13. He went in the huff because 'we weren't doing anything anyway.'

Today he got up and left for the gym at 3:45am so he could workout before starting work at 7am. I think this is completely batshit behaviour as now he'll just be tired tonight and fall asleep early on the sofa. He said it's because I've stopped him going in the evening now he'll need to get up early and go at this time everyday. He's planning the same tomorrow. It got a bit heated and I said where is my 12+ hours a week to do something for myself and he said I'm welcome to get up early if I want to. But I don't want to wake up early, what would I even do? Sometimes I go for a lunchtime or evening walk, I wfh.

I just think he's taking the gym to the extreme, when he joined I thought it would 2-3 times a week and I was pleased he'd found something enjoyed, I didn't realise it would be 2hrs every day and now I'm starting to resent it. Am I wrong?

It's also worth mentioning that he has a health condition that is associated with extreme fatigue and joint pain but keeping active can help, so I dont want him to stop the gym altogetether I know it's good for him.

So as not to dripfeed we've always had a fair chores/childcare/mental load balance and he still mostly doing all the same stuff around the house so I'm not really sure what my issue is, he's just really pissed me off and he can't seem to see my point of view.

OP posts:
celticprincess · 20/09/2023 18:40

WaltzingWaters · 19/09/2023 06:23

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s impacting on family time and when you have children you have to balance things out. It’s great he’s still doing his load of the work, but it’s also important just having time together. He needs to find a bit of balance. And you need to find a class/exercise you’d like to do out of the house so you get your time also. what he’s doing is quite extreme.
As others have said, he’s probably just enjoying the quick changes he can see/feel. Once he’s lost the bulk of weight it’ll be harder to see the changes so quickly and hopefully he’ll slow down to a more sustainable pace.
Make it known you support his exercise and healthy eating habits and want him to continue, just that you want balance and want family time also.

Also on a completely different note, you iron the kids school uniform?? Never known anyone to do that. That’s one thing you can pack in to have more family time. Just give them a good shake out before hanging them on the washing line.

I iron school uniform. Thought everyone did. It would look awful if it didn’t. It can’t just be shaken and hung out to dry. I hang it and it still needs an iron.

etherealfae · 20/09/2023 18:42

what are you actually mad about? YABU , he can have a life outside of you Confused

GrizzlyGrouch · 20/09/2023 18:48

The bitterness on here is unreal.

Pres11 · 20/09/2023 19:33

i can see your point because if you did want to exercise, or do something for yourself, when exactly would you be able to do it because him going to the gym so much means that more pressure is put on you at home, there will be more for you to do and then less time for you to exercise. It’s also great that he is doing this, I think a balance needs to be found, where you can both equally have time to exercise, him the gym, you walking.

Pinkfluff76 · 20/09/2023 21:10

He’s being ridiculous
You should only go every second day anyway, your body needs a rest day, especially if you have a condition

pollymere · 20/09/2023 21:17

This is ringing serious addiction alarm bells with me. I was always told to do the gym three times a week and something else on two or three days and definitely a rest day. I used to swim or take an exercise class on the other days.

He seems addicted to losing weight and going to the gym. It's easy when you feel in control of something and the hormones it releases are easy to get addicted to (so much more than just endorphins!) He needs to get a balance.

NoDought · 20/09/2023 21:35

I think YABTA, he has found something that is really benefitting him physically and mentally and you have even admitted he has a condition which a physical lifestyle will have a positive affect on. If he is using it as an excuse to get out of chores then fair enough, I can understand your concern but he is getting up early to fit that in and around the family life. If you have no plans and he still does his fair share of family duties then unfortunately I feel you are being spiteful as you have no desire to do the same.

MrsMrsD · 20/09/2023 21:55

If he's spending over 2hrs in the gym everyday then he needs a better trainer. Someone who knows what they're doing. We do gym and martial arts 5-6 times a week, he really doesn't need to be spending that amount of time there to achieve results.

FootieMama · 20/09/2023 22:04

He probably made some promise with himself to go everyday.
Losing weight is a mental thing as much as physical. Maybe going to the gym puts him on a frame of mind to eat better. Are you by any chance a bit envious that he is trying hard to look after himself?

TorqueWrench · 20/09/2023 22:16

Two hours daily is a lot tbf. Most men either train 4-5 times a week, breaking it into a 'body part split' which only takes 45-60 mins as you're focusing on specific parts like say back/biceps, or they do a full 'body workout' 3x a week which can take 90-120 mins but requires a rest day in between.

Teenagehorrorbag · 20/09/2023 23:04

WaltzingWaters · 19/09/2023 06:23

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s impacting on family time and when you have children you have to balance things out. It’s great he’s still doing his load of the work, but it’s also important just having time together. He needs to find a bit of balance. And you need to find a class/exercise you’d like to do out of the house so you get your time also. what he’s doing is quite extreme.
As others have said, he’s probably just enjoying the quick changes he can see/feel. Once he’s lost the bulk of weight it’ll be harder to see the changes so quickly and hopefully he’ll slow down to a more sustainable pace.
Make it known you support his exercise and healthy eating habits and want him to continue, just that you want balance and want family time also.

Also on a completely different note, you iron the kids school uniform?? Never known anyone to do that. That’s one thing you can pack in to have more family time. Just give them a good shake out before hanging them on the washing line.

Agree with all of this, especially the ironing bit!

HRTFT so probably lots have already said the same - but ditch the ironing. I have a friend who irons stuff but she only works PT and enjoys doing it 🤔. All school uniform is cotton polyester mix so can hang on a hanger and dry perfectly well. Any 'creases' in the shirts come out as soon as the DCs put them on, with the body heat.

We have a very few 100% cotton and linen items that I iron, but literally nothing else. No T-shirts - they may be cotton but the same applies. No bedlinen. Ditch the ironing - now!

Original poster
Invisimamma · 20/09/2023 23:11

Teenagehorrorbag · 20/09/2023 23:04

Agree with all of this, especially the ironing bit!

HRTFT so probably lots have already said the same - but ditch the ironing. I have a friend who irons stuff but she only works PT and enjoys doing it 🤔. All school uniform is cotton polyester mix so can hang on a hanger and dry perfectly well. Any 'creases' in the shirts come out as soon as the DCs put them on, with the body heat.

We have a very few 100% cotton and linen items that I iron, but literally nothing else. No T-shirts - they may be cotton but the same applies. No bedlinen. Ditch the ironing - now!

Show quote history

I don't mind ironing much, it takes 1hr on a Sunday to all the uniforms and some of my things. I don't do bedding. I really don't like sending my DC to school in shirts and trousers that haven't been ironed. I know it's not a necessity but it makes me feel better that it's done, I hate seeing DC in scruffy uniforms. I stick my headphones in and get on with it, usually dp will make dinner or clean the bathrooms whilst I'm doing it.

OP posts:
Ilovecleaning · 20/09/2023 23:56

He’s probably high on the new experience. Maybe it will settle to 3-4 gym visits a week. The male/female imbalance of situations like this really irks me, though. A woman who spent 2-3 daily at the gym would be selfish, self-obsessed, an irresponsible mother etc etc.

Teenagehorrorbag · 21/09/2023 00:21

Invisimamma · 20/09/2023 23:11

I don't mind ironing much, it takes 1hr on a Sunday to all the uniforms and some of my things. I don't do bedding. I really don't like sending my DC to school in shirts and trousers that haven't been ironed. I know it's not a necessity but it makes me feel better that it's done, I hate seeing DC in scruffy uniforms. I stick my headphones in and get on with it, usually dp will make dinner or clean the bathrooms whilst I'm doing it.

Show quote history

Ha ha fair enough! I actually don't hate ironing either but it seems one job I can mostly ignore. But each to their own.

(But maybe try sending them in just once, and see if you can tell the difference? Just sayin'......Grin)

WaltzingWaters · 21/09/2023 07:10

Teenagehorrorbag · 21/09/2023 00:21

Ha ha fair enough! I actually don't hate ironing either but it seems one job I can mostly ignore. But each to their own.

(But maybe try sending them in just once, and see if you can tell the difference? Just sayin'......Grin)

Show quote history

Completely agree! We don’t even own an iron. Only time it’s ever a problem and we need to use the in laws one is if we go to a wedding/suit and tie type event.
My mum once asked how it was possible I didn’t need to iron anything. I asked if she’d ever looked at me and thought, “gah she’s scruffy, she should have ironed that”? She admitted no, not once!

Lalalalala555 · 21/09/2023 08:04

What it sounds like is you're feeling resentful he's getting so much time to do his thing, and you're having to make up for his absense with childcare/chores and not getting time to yourself in the same way.

You need to assert that you also want 2-3hrs per day of your own time, and you two should compromise when.

Its not fair that you have to get the kids sorted all the time now, because he is either not there or is tired.

I once read something that some men think they have main character energy.
Sounds a bit like that.
You don't want to ask him to be compassionate about considering when he goes. But asking him to be mindful rather than him asking when is the least disruptive time and would you cover for him, that's probably what the frustration is.

Its where you and your family sit in priory vs the new hobby.

Tbh i think the best thing you can do is to take something up that you do for 2-3hrs per day and just tell him you're going with as much warning as he gives you.

Ideally you'd be able to just have a conversation as well that's reasonable.

Father1 · 21/09/2023 09:57

He needs to lose weight and he's doing it like this because he's seeing results, after a while after he's achieved initial goals it won't need to be as 'excessive'... Think of the improved sex! Then you'll be moaning!

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 21/09/2023 16:00

I’ll never get involved with someone that dedicated to keeping fit, and exercising again. The last one was cheating while he said he was exercising, but removing himself from family life was cheating me and our children of the life we had signed up for anyway, so she’s welcome to him.

MadeUpThings · 21/09/2023 19:16

I would hate that! Being home cooking dinner ever single night. I would also worry I’d get out of shape pretty quickly if I did that!

You don't have any kids though @LuckySantangelo35. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MadeUpThings · 21/09/2023 19:21

I would hate that! Being home cooking dinner ever single night. I would also worry I’d get out of shape pretty quickly if I did that!

You don't have any kids though @LuckySantangelo35. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsLay · 21/09/2023 19:35

MadeUpThings · 21/09/2023 19:21

I would hate that! Being home cooking dinner ever single night. I would also worry I’d get out of shape pretty quickly if I did that!

You don't have any kids though @LuckySantangelo35. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes my point exactly!
when you don’t have children after work is free time to do whatever you choose if you don’t want to cook that’s fine.
when you do have children, evenings are being present for them and they need an evening meal at some point.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/09/2023 22:56

@MrsLay

@MadeUpThings

i still need to keep fit though kids or no kids

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/09/2023 23:08

@MrsLay
@MadeUpThings

also lots of parents on here have commented that they don’t just stay home and cook dinner every night and that they have hobbies so it’s not just me!

bpirockin · 22/09/2023 17:28

He may have become addicted to going to the gym, especially as you say that you can see the results, so he's almost certainly feeling them, and maybe getting comments etc. I realised that I was addicted years ago when I felt guilty for not making my usual session when I had to work late in London, and again when i was ill. At one point when I was car-less and could either get a bus back to my home village some 5 miles away after a day working in London, or go to the gym and walk home, I inevitably chose the gym. I did not think about the dangers of a young lone female walking home 5 miles in the dark, I just knew that it felt better than the alternative.

Daily attendance seems excessive, especially as a married father, and I wonder if you could not perhaps consider a family swim a couple of times a week instead, or maybe a family walk. Instil healthy habits in your children, take the time to have fun with them, and listen to them. You all have much to gain from whatever family activity you settle on.

NoThanksymm · 23/09/2023 15:56

I think you should take a vacation. Take a week with a girlfriend.

he will figure out juggling the kids and gym a bit better, you will get a break and some time away.

he’s probably just doing it all for the time away. He should not be doing/ needing 2.5 hrs a day. Maybe you need a closer gym, or he needs someone to show him a more efficient workout.

he does need to listen to you though.

i am glad he’s still pulling his weight.