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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu, too much time at the gym

228 replies

Invisimamma · 18/09/2023 23:20

Dp and I have had an argument tonight which is not like us and it's left me wondering AIBU?

He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight, I would like to lose weight too but I am not interested in the gym, it's just not for me. He's been going every day for the last month either before or after work, he works shifts so it's always different times of day. Including travel and showering he's gone about 2.5hrs each time.

He went to the gym yesterday morning before our DS birthday party and arrived back 15minutes before we needed to leave, that was fine because I had everything organised ready to go. Later on in the evening he suggested going to the gym again, I said I would rather he didn't go as he'd already been in the morning, I was tired from the party and wanted some help with the evening, dinner, packed lunches, ironing for school etc. DC are 9 and 13. He went in the huff because 'we weren't doing anything anyway.'

Today he got up and left for the gym at 3:45am so he could workout before starting work at 7am. I think this is completely batshit behaviour as now he'll just be tired tonight and fall asleep early on the sofa. He said it's because I've stopped him going in the evening now he'll need to get up early and go at this time everyday. He's planning the same tomorrow. It got a bit heated and I said where is my 12+ hours a week to do something for myself and he said I'm welcome to get up early if I want to. But I don't want to wake up early, what would I even do? Sometimes I go for a lunchtime or evening walk, I wfh.

I just think he's taking the gym to the extreme, when he joined I thought it would 2-3 times a week and I was pleased he'd found something enjoyed, I didn't realise it would be 2hrs every day and now I'm starting to resent it. Am I wrong?

It's also worth mentioning that he has a health condition that is associated with extreme fatigue and joint pain but keeping active can help, so I dont want him to stop the gym altogetether I know it's good for him.

So as not to dripfeed we've always had a fair chores/childcare/mental load balance and he still mostly doing all the same stuff around the house so I'm not really sure what my issue is, he's just really pissed me off and he can't seem to see my point of view.

OP posts:
ClaireEclair · 19/09/2023 17:19

My DH has become like this since joining the gym. He’s trying to persuade me to join too but I’m happy with walks and my at home work outs. He has a lot of energy now and sometimes wakes up super early. I do think it can be super addictive.

ClaireEclair · 19/09/2023 17:21

Also, he goes for 2 hours at a time. He plugs into a podcast and just goes for it. We used to have a machine at home during covid and he used to slog away on that for 2 hours at a time. It’s not unusual.

Catza · 19/09/2023 17:22

I don’t see an issue at all. My partner is going to the gym at 4am 5 days a week. I am still asleep so don’t mind. I go to the gym at 2pm 5 times a week. He is at work, kiddo is at school. He is a dedicated father and partner and working out is his “me time” which he thoroughly deserves.
I don’t understand the comments of some women on here who think this is selfish or that one shouldn’t dedicate this much time to a hobby. I am not sure what you spend your time on especially if your kids are older.

Becomingolder · 19/09/2023 17:30

PuddlesPityParty · 19/09/2023 16:36

OPs already said he still does his fair share so no it’s not incompatible. What’s your agenda?

Show quote history

Is family life only about chores? If OP's DH is still spending quality time with her and the children then no it's not incompatible, but if he isn't then it is

NotMyFinestMoment · 19/09/2023 17:34

Is the gym even open that early in the morning.

SouthLondonMum22 · 19/09/2023 17:36

I go to the gym at 4am usually. DH and baby are sleeping and I'm always back for when baby is up at 7am, I wouldn't be impressed if DH tried dictating that time when everyone is sleeping anyway.

I do agree that twice per day is excessive.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 19/09/2023 17:59

NotMyFinestMoment · 19/09/2023 17:34

Is the gym even open that early in the morning.

There are loads of 24 hour gyms.

Fedupwitheveryone · 19/09/2023 18:21

I doubt many people would see it as acceptable and 'looking after your health' if as the mother in your family you prioritised yourself at the gym for 2.5 hours every day??

It's great that he's getting fit, but it's not ok that he thinks he gets to opt out of all family time to do so.

nb - 7+ days/week isn't actually all that healthy - his joints are probably taking a pounding and it's easy to injure yourself when muscles are tired

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 19/09/2023 18:29

I doubt many people would see it as acceptable and 'looking after your health' if as the mother in your family you prioritised yourself at the gym for 2.5 hours every day??

On the contrary - I think more women should do this.

I see so many threads where women never prioritise themselves. I think it's really sad.

InterFactual · 19/09/2023 18:30

He's either having an affair while pretending to be at the gym, or someone there has caught his eye, or he has an exercise addiction that he needs mental healthcare support for. That amount of exercise isn't normal or healthy, he's not a professional body builder so it's very very excessive.

SouthLondonMum22 · 19/09/2023 18:33

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 19/09/2023 18:29

I doubt many people would see it as acceptable and 'looking after your health' if as the mother in your family you prioritised yourself at the gym for 2.5 hours every day??

On the contrary - I think more women should do this.

I see so many threads where women never prioritise themselves. I think it's really sad.

Exactly.

I absolutely prioritise time at the gym most days and a reason why I go to a 24 hour one is due to work hours and to be sure it doesn't impact on family life.

Twice a day is absolutely excessive but going at 3am when everyone is sleeping? Complete non issue.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 19/09/2023 18:39

Moanyoldmoan · 19/09/2023 11:56

Excessive gym, out of the house for hours, huge weight loss and interest in appearance
yeah imo it would be naive not to look further into it

Not all behaviour changes point to an affair.

He does sound like he's taking the gym thing to extremes though OP, and if his condition is anything like fibromyalgia/ME he could actually make matters worse by over-exercising, so hopefully things will settle down and he'll establish some kind of balance so as not to burn out.

Twillow · 19/09/2023 18:40

It's excessive and also selfish. There's absolutely no need to go for 2 1/2 hours for it to be effective - bet you anything he's having a nice long sauna too...

Prisonbreak · 19/09/2023 18:43

I spend between 2 and 3 hours a day working out. Mix of gym, walking and dance classes. My partner goes 4 times a week on average. Difference is we have no children so we have no one to depend on us

Wonderway19 · 19/09/2023 18:45

I'm not really sure what my issue is

I’ll tell you what your issue is… & I say this from a good place, you’re bitter and jealous because your husband has a hobby outside of the home and you don’t.
Find yourself something to do / somewhere to go, sit yourselves down & write out a schedule for being out of the house, if he wants to get up early on an evening you’re out to make time for the gym then let him, he’s tried to compromise & you’ve complained about it. You have to let him live his life, not yours. It sounds a very unhealthy situation imo.

actualpuffins · 19/09/2023 18:46

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 19/09/2023 18:29

I doubt many people would see it as acceptable and 'looking after your health' if as the mother in your family you prioritised yourself at the gym for 2.5 hours every day??

On the contrary - I think more women should do this.

I see so many threads where women never prioritise themselves. I think it's really sad.

But 2.5 hours at a time - no need and it's more likely to put women off thinking it's necessary.

NotMyFinestMoment · 19/09/2023 18:46

Ok. I didn't realise that.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 19/09/2023 18:49

Twillow · 19/09/2023 18:40

It's excessive and also selfish. There's absolutely no need to go for 2 1/2 hours for it to be effective - bet you anything he's having a nice long sauna too...

OP has said half an hour of that is travel (the gym is 15 minutes away) plus 20 minutes or so to shower and change. So realistically, he's in the gym for just about 90 minutes a day, which seems pretty reasonable to me.

actualpuffins · 19/09/2023 18:49

actualpuffins · 19/09/2023 18:46

But 2.5 hours at a time - no need and it's more likely to put women off thinking it's necessary.

Show quote history

Plus the fact the point is if the OP wanted to go off and do something for 2.5 hours it would be much harder if DH is never there and always at the gym!

Hollyppp · 19/09/2023 18:50

once a day yeah no problem.

twice a day is weird IMO

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 19/09/2023 18:50

actualpuffins · 19/09/2023 18:46

But 2.5 hours at a time - no need and it's more likely to put women off thinking it's necessary.

Show quote history

Honestly, I think the opposite.

2.5 hours to yourself per day - that comes out of your own sleep time - really shouldn't be a problem. OP's kids are older now - it's the ideal time to get out of the house and rediscover some hobbies.

I think the attitudes that family/children must always come first is really unhealthy - one day, your kids will be grown and gone, and you'll have nothing. Being a parent doesn't mean giving up who you are.

SouthLondonMum22 · 19/09/2023 18:52

actualpuffins · 19/09/2023 18:49

Plus the fact the point is if the OP wanted to go off and do something for 2.5 hours it would be much harder if DH is never there and always at the gym!

Show quote history

For some of that time though, OP is sleeping. It's possible to manage hobbies for both with early wake ups, 24 hour gyms etc and compromise.

But it also isn't OP's DH's fault if OP doesn't want to wake up early and go to the gym or something else she may be interested in.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/09/2023 19:01

@MrsLay

”There just aren’t enough hours in the day and unfortunately at this stage in our life gym is not a priority.”

surely at all stages of life your health and fitness should be a priority? You only get one body and if you want it to make it to the next stage you have to prioritise it now

PuddlesPityParty · 19/09/2023 19:08

ruffler45 · 19/09/2023 17:15

Pedantic ?

OP stated

"He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight"

cant argue with facts

Show quote history

Yeah like I said usually means lose fat. Most people don’t go oh no tragic i gained 5 pounds of pure muscle do they.

Oioicaptain · 19/09/2023 19:09

Take up meditation OP. You can buy a Bluetooth sleep mask and a yoga mat and then lie down for 2 hours undisturbed every night. Of course you don't actually have to listen to any self improvement meditation apps. You can simply have a nap or listen to the radio.