Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Aibu, too much time at the gym

228 replies

Invisimamma · 18/09/2023 23:20

Dp and I have had an argument tonight which is not like us and it's left me wondering AIBU?

He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight, I would like to lose weight too but I am not interested in the gym, it's just not for me. He's been going every day for the last month either before or after work, he works shifts so it's always different times of day. Including travel and showering he's gone about 2.5hrs each time.

He went to the gym yesterday morning before our DS birthday party and arrived back 15minutes before we needed to leave, that was fine because I had everything organised ready to go. Later on in the evening he suggested going to the gym again, I said I would rather he didn't go as he'd already been in the morning, I was tired from the party and wanted some help with the evening, dinner, packed lunches, ironing for school etc. DC are 9 and 13. He went in the huff because 'we weren't doing anything anyway.'

Today he got up and left for the gym at 3:45am so he could workout before starting work at 7am. I think this is completely batshit behaviour as now he'll just be tired tonight and fall asleep early on the sofa. He said it's because I've stopped him going in the evening now he'll need to get up early and go at this time everyday. He's planning the same tomorrow. It got a bit heated and I said where is my 12+ hours a week to do something for myself and he said I'm welcome to get up early if I want to. But I don't want to wake up early, what would I even do? Sometimes I go for a lunchtime or evening walk, I wfh.

I just think he's taking the gym to the extreme, when he joined I thought it would 2-3 times a week and I was pleased he'd found something enjoyed, I didn't realise it would be 2hrs every day and now I'm starting to resent it. Am I wrong?

It's also worth mentioning that he has a health condition that is associated with extreme fatigue and joint pain but keeping active can help, so I dont want him to stop the gym altogetether I know it's good for him.

So as not to dripfeed we've always had a fair chores/childcare/mental load balance and he still mostly doing all the same stuff around the house so I'm not really sure what my issue is, he's just really pissed me off and he can't seem to see my point of view.

OP posts:

Oftenaddled · 19/09/2023 06:48

It's brilliant for his mental health and good for his chronic pain, apparently.

He'll probably sleep better and need a little less sleep with this regime.

Think about your needs / wants but don't try to prevent this.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/09/2023 06:50

Going every day will lead to overuse injuries and likely a flare, as he's not having rest days to heal.

He'll be back on the sofa soon enough.

ConfiderWren · 19/09/2023 06:55

I think you sound controlling.
If this were the other way round and you were the husband and he was the wife, everyone would be shouting abuse.

He is your husband, but he is free to live his life as he chooses.

LisaD1 · 19/09/2023 06:58

I think a calm conversation about expectations and the life of being a partner/parent. He may still be doing his chores but is he really going to be present when he’s getting up at that time? Surely he will be knackered and sleeping rather than chatting, spending time together etc?

I go to the gym and my husband plays squash but we are mindful of each other, he plays every Saturday and a couple of lunchtimes (wfh) and I do a couple of evening classes. We also have a hectic home life which we both contribute to.

Its easy to find the Adrenalin addictive but training like that from doing nothing will lead to an injury, burnout, boredom or something, far better to go less often and give his body a chance as well as your relationship.

this Isn’t a conversation that will even end well at 3.45am though.

Covetthee · 19/09/2023 07:04

YANBU to want him to not go twice in one day, that’s a bit OTT.

YABU to moan at him for getting up early to go gym. If that’s the only time he can do it without it imapcting family life then Whats the issue ?

you haven’t said if he would give you the opportunity either? You just said Gym is not for you, so if you do find a form of exercise or whatever to do for a few hours a week would he be fine with that?

Its about comprimise. You say he is pulling his weight, your children are old enough to do some things for themselves.

i would say there seems to be a tiny hint of jealousy that he has something outside of the family life for himself that he enjoys.

you need to do the same OP otherwise you will resent him and he will resent you if you carry on like this

Spacemoon · 19/09/2023 07:05

The early morning thing isn't weird to me, as DH often gets up at that time, or earlier, to go to the gym - he starts work early, so it makes sense. I don't go to the gym but exercise from home and also often get up early (around 5am) so I can get it done before the kids are up. As for how often he's going, that is a bit extreme - I wonder, does he have an addictive personality? Has he previously beaten addictions such as drugs gambling etc? I know for my DH the gym is his way of keeping his previous addictions and mental health in check.

I don't necessarily think you're being unreasonable as the amount he is going is a bit much, but I think as long as he's still pulling his weight and not using it as an excuse to get out of bedtimes, cooking etc then he's not being unreasonable either.. I think as long as he's happy to compromise and you are too, this doesn't need to be a problem. You need to find a balance that works for you both. If he's at the gym all the time, there'll be no time for the 2 of you to spend quality time together, which I'm guessing is why you are feeling so annoyed - I would be too!

Loopytiles · 19/09/2023 07:08

Few working parents who are doing their share with the DC and at home have that much time available for fitness. So he’s taking, taking.

If, as it sounds, he’s not doing his fair share of parenting and domestic responsibilities it’s not on.

if also sounds like he sees you as the ‘manager’, eg turning up just before the DC’s party, disengaging from school prep.

TookTheBook · 19/09/2023 07:08

He probably needs to talk to a decent PT and get a programme sorted and some guidance about why you need rest days! It's not sustainable to go every day, he will cause himself an injury. But 3-4 times a week would be a fair compromise. It's addictive because of the endorphins.

stayathomer · 19/09/2023 07:10

Agreeing with the people who are saying it’s new, also he’s probably trying to prove something to people who say they don’t have time(well I’ll find time etc etc!) and then gets carried away there. Also, any chance there’s a sauna/jacuzzi? When I was younger I used to wow at my friend spending so much time in the gym, turned out she was sitting in the jacuzzi/steam room etc😅 Totally out of order for it to be eg just before a birthday- honestly do men think birthdays just happen? I know you said you’re both equal but that would be him saying ‘what do you think of me going to the gym before the birthday or do we have stuff to get done?’

stayathomer · 19/09/2023 07:12

ps I was a gym person and would kill to join one again but money distance and time means it could never happen but just to let you know it is addictive when you’ve actually got in the door and have all these options and then you get moving!!

Nam3chang384 · 19/09/2023 07:16

Invisimamma · 18/09/2023 23:36

This was my worry, maybe I am just being selfish because it's disrupted our balance and routines a bit and I need to adjust.

Show quote history

You sound genuinely keen to understand if your feelings towards his behaviour are reasonable and justified, which is really admirable. I think sometimes it is easy to be a bit resentful of someone who is progressing or achieving more than us (in this case in terms of weight loss) whfn we have always previously been ‘on a par’. I know you don’t want to go to the gym but maybe you could find something to do for yourself snd take some time out? Crucially don’t do this with bad feeling in your heart (don’t do it to ‘get back at him’) but rather because it’s important for all of us to prioritise ourselves sometimes. I also think if you actively try and encourage him rather than feeling resentful, you may start to feel more motivated to make some significant positive changes yourself.

in terms of the practical impact on your family life, would it help to sit down at the beginning of the week and plan things out? You shouldn’t have to pick up all the slack because of his new regime but hopefully you can find a nice compromise. Good luck x

SummerDayz63 · 19/09/2023 07:23

Do you want more time to yourself? Want your own hobby? Miss your DP in an evening (if he’s at the gym or tired and in bed?)

I personality love the gym and it’s my fave way roans my free time altho I have a baby so don’t get to go that much!

VeloVixen · 19/09/2023 07:26

I'm a bit gym obsessed and have a condition with the same issues (wonder if its' the same). I feel better when I lift weights, my osteopath has said weights will keep me out a wheelchair. Which scares me, so I feel I have to go for medical reasons. He may have an element of this.

faban · 19/09/2023 07:27

3.45 is the middle of the night! I don't think he'll keep it up for long op

PaminaMozart · 19/09/2023 07:33

If a gym visit takes 2.5 hours it is very wasteful timewise. Do you have room for a gym area at home? All you need is a mat and a bit of space around it, and some dumbbells and maybe a resistance band and a yogablock. That way he - and you!! - could work out at home, at least some of the time.

There are many excellent workouts on YouTube. Have a look at Heather Robertson for general workouts, Growingannanas for HIIT, and Caroline Girvan for weight training with dumbbells (my favorite...... she's the best - she'd be great for your husband too!) I'm sure there are great online trainers specifically for men as well.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/09/2023 07:45

Going daily is excessive for a novice and is a recipe for burnout or injury, especially if the sessions are long. About 3 sessions a week would be far more managable.

Setting off in the middle of the night is daft. Sleep is a vital element of recovery.
Getting back in the nick of time on his son's birthday is selfish. He needs to adjust around family commitments.

Admittedly gyms don't appeal to me as they seem to be very inefficient time sinks. Lots of faffing about adjusting equipment, and I'd rather be at a 1 hour class or do a run which eliminates travel.

You also need to find something to do for you. 9 & 13 are ages where you can be more flexible around family which helps a lot. There's also space to reassess if tasks like ironing shirts is avaliable to delegate or even not bother with.

Oftenaddled · 19/09/2023 07:50

If this man is managing a medical condition with his gym visits, it would be sensible for him to consult a medical professional/ good trainer. But people on this thread can't guess at what's too much, too long etc.

You get more efficient using the gym. But when I started going, I needed more time because I didn't put myself under massive pressure - health condition. I took breaks.

Gym at home might be a good idea but controlled equipment may be better for his joints etc. I would also find it much more motivating and healthy to get out into the air and daylight early in the morning than to try to work out quietly at home. Gyms can be pretty cheap.

If he's pulling his weight, the long-term benefits will be worth this period. I wouldn't try to manage him.

Deathbyfluffy · 19/09/2023 07:54

Wolfiefan · 18/09/2023 23:27

Weight loss is more about what you eat. This isn’t about weight. Is he actually going to the gym?

It only took 2 posts, well done 😂

EvilElsa · 19/09/2023 08:00

Sounds like me when I was mid eating disorder. I was obsessed with the gym and would be there for hours and become upset and angry if I missed a day and starve myself as a result. It does become addictive. I'd have got up at 3am to go if necessary.

CornishGem1975 · 19/09/2023 08:03

It's excessive yes, but if he's still pulling his weight at home (and you've said he is and that't not changed) I can't see the issue with him getting up early to fit in his hobby. Lots of people do this.

Gnomegnomegnome · 19/09/2023 08:14

The birthday party bit isn’t good but getting up early and going in the morning makes sense.

Is he having rest days?

Is there anything that you would like to do but can’t? I think that’s the compromise, he gets early mornings, you get evenings.

RoachFish · 19/09/2023 08:18

I think you can easily get 12 hours a week to yourself too. Your kids are 13 and 9 so they don't need constant minding. If you do want to go out for an hour or two when he is at the gym I am sure they would be fine on their own at home. I am one of those people though who would never prioritise housework over something that makes me happy or feel good, so you would both potentially have to let that side slide a little and focus on your individual needs.

ZadocPDederick · 19/09/2023 08:21

The problem of course is that he is checking out of family life. There is surely plenty of exercise he could get at home if he wants to - housework, taking the children out and playing with them, etc. The fact that he thinks that stuff like cooking and clearing up dinner, sorting out lunches, ironing etc is "not doing anything" kind of speaks volumes. Does he normally expect to leave all that to you?

Foxblue · 19/09/2023 08:22

Absolutely not the point of the thread but he needs to be building in rest days and not sacrificing sleep at all if he's training that hard, this is how you end up with an injury.

electriclight · 19/09/2023 08:24

I think it's about compromise.

He loves it and wants to go every evening.

You've said it impacts family life so he is getting up at 3:45 to make it happen, and keeping on top of his responsibilities at home - so, he's compromised by going at a time when everyone is asleep.

I would just take a wait and see approach. You expect him to be tired in the evenings but don't know that for sure yet. If he's falling asleep at 8:30pm every evening, you can have a conversation then. I think it'll fall back to 3-4 days in time as the current daily regime isn't sustainable.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10