Aibu, too much time at the gym

[Invisimamma]

Dp and I have had an argument tonight which is not like us and it's left me wondering AIBU?

He recently joined the gym as he wants to lose weight, I would like to lose weight too but I am not interested in the gym, it's just not for me. He's been going every day for the last month either before or after work, he works shifts so it's always different times of day. Including travel and showering he's gone about 2.5hrs each time.

He went to the gym yesterday morning before our DS birthday party and arrived back 15minutes before we needed to leave, that was fine because I had everything organised ready to go. Later on in the evening he suggested going to the gym again, I said I would rather he didn't go as he'd already been in the morning, I was tired from the party and wanted some help with the evening, dinner, packed lunches, ironing for school etc. DC are 9 and 13. He went in the huff because 'we weren't doing anything anyway.'

Today he got up and left for the gym at 3:45am so he could workout before starting work at 7am. I think this is completely batshit behaviour as now he'll just be tired tonight and fall asleep early on the sofa. He said it's because I've stopped him going in the evening now he'll need to get up early and go at this time everyday. He's planning the same tomorrow. It got a bit heated and I said where is my 12+ hours a week to do something for myself and he said I'm welcome to get up early if I want to. But I don't want to wake up early, what would I even do? Sometimes I go for a lunchtime or evening walk, I wfh.

I just think he's taking the gym to the extreme, when he joined I thought it would 2-3 times a week and I was pleased he'd found something enjoyed, I didn't realise it would be 2hrs every day and now I'm starting to resent it. Am I wrong?

It's also worth mentioning that he has a health condition that is associated with extreme fatigue and joint pain but keeping active can help, so I dont want him to stop the gym altogetether I know it's good for him.

So as not to dripfeed we've always had a fair chores/childcare/mental load balance and he still mostly doing all the same stuff around the house so I'm not really sure what my issue is, he's just really pissed me off and he can't seem to see my point of view.

My ex exercised twice a day, gym/run or gym/cycle. Would have been hypocritical of me to say anything against it as i'm at the stables twice a day everyday!

Your children are older, and he's found something he likes to do away from work/the house. Could you find a hobby/interest too?

Going twice in a day is a lot. But you said he cant go in the evening and now complaining that he is going when he should be asleep that is controlling (although i can see why it is annoying).

The children are 9 and 13 they dont need looked after and could pack their lunch/help with ironing. Or you could have left that for dh when he returned and just did dinner.

I get a bit jealous my dh prioritises his fitness and i don't but i have to remind myself that i should make time for myself and that dh would support me in that. My kids are similar age to yours i could make the time and i feel the benefit when i do. But i cant grudge dh keeping fit when i don't.

That's really sensible advice from @electriclight

My partner and I are very into the gym. I regularly get up before 5am to train before work (I also start at 7) and there are often days either me or my partner aren't back until 7/8pm after the gym. Sometimes we go together, sometimes different times so the other can organise dinner, chores, food etc but we just communicate about it each day and make sure we know what's happening. Our sessions take on average around 2/2.5 hours due to the type of training we do, so although this may seem weird to some it's perfectly normal to others.

It's hugely important to stay fit & active and if your partner is getting up early, at a time when you'd be asleep anyways then it shouldn't really affect you? Especially if they are making sure that they are still contributing to the household & pulling their weight, but is also finding time to manage their pain condition and feel good about themselves.

How has he checked out of family life!? OP wasn’t happy about his evening gym so he changed it to early 3:45am ( granted after huffing and puffing) and she herself has said he still does things around the house so your assumption seems to be incorrect.

Ans the kids are 9 & 13 hardly an age where they want to be out ‘playing’ i assume, even if they did want to play i dont think being in the gym at 4am is impacting their play time with dad.

You know he is having an affair, don’t you?

At 3.45am 😂

What was he doing with his time before the gym?

Also I read it as going twice a day was a one off on party day not that he usually wants to go twice a day? My brain isn’t awake yet, twice a day is extreme, once is more acceptable given your family situation.

Because, as OP has pointed out, he will be asleep on the sofa all evening. He certainly won't be out playing football with the kids or anything similar.

I know she said he does things around the house, but you don't account for the fact that he thinks that preparing, clearing and washing up dinner stuff, preparing packed lunches and ironing is "not doing nothing". Surely if he does his fair share he would be doing half of that anyway, and he knows that if he's out it will all fall on OP.

Don't 9 and 13 year olds play things like football, basketball, tennis, etc? Do they never like going out on activities like hiking, climbing, environmental stuff, visiting activity centres, adventure playgrounds and local attractions? There are so many great ways to combine exercise with family stuff, it's a real shame for one parent just to bugger off on his own for two and a half hours every day.

i wouldnt think that the kids would be hiking or mountain climbing and going to adventure playgrounds at 4am when he is at gym or 8/9pm when he would presumably be falling asleep. She hasn’t said anything about him not doing these things yet you have assumed this. If their own lack of quality time as a couple is getting her down then that’s totally justified but she hasn’t actually said what her issue is with him going to gym apart from him falling asleep early.

If the roles were reversed here everyone would be saying something else esp if the wife had mentioned it helps her healthwise

as far as I can see he is still doing his share around the house and going to the gym at a time where it has no impact on anyone at that time

My DW is at the gym most days, I expressed that I felt we were missing evening time together and she started going before work. She gets up at 5am and trains while I snooze and at weekends has a run while it potter. It doesnt impact family life simply because we communicate our expectations. She still takes on household and family duties and we share 'admin and management'
It is about finding balance. I would rather do something at home and am not going to discourage her activities.

I found it quite the adjustment at first, I was jealous of the time she wasnt here and in my head built it up to something I resented and now I cant understand why I felt that way. It was irrational to resent something which will aid my DW to live a full and active life.

She is fit and healthy, I am less fit (a bit lazy) and healthy and we both are happy and allocate time for ourselves to do things we enjoy.

Communication and planning are the key to avoid it clashing with family, commitments and home life. you need to find your 'gym' whatever activity that looks like and give yourself some you time and then come together at the end of the day.

It is important however for your DP to work out a proper regime with rest days built in or injury is likely to become an issue in the future.

Thanks everyone, pretty balanced replies and I can see where everyone is coming from. I think it is about compromise and maybe I've been a bit unreasonable in how I approached it.

He doesn't leave all the home and childcare to me, it is a pretty even split. He works shifts and I work a 9-5 so he's a lot of the time he's around more than me in the daytime to do things like the laundry and shopping. He doesn't need reminding of nagging he just does it because it's his house and his children too. We recently got a cleaner as we were both sick of spending our days off cleaning.

I do need to find something for myself but I'm not sure what that would be? I have tried the gym in the past and I didn't take to it. I like walking with an audio book but the dark evenings coming in make that more difficult. I don't want to resent his exercise and I don't want him to resent me for holding him back.

He didn't go to the gym today after getting his stuff ready last night and he won't be home from work until 9pm tonight, so he will probably miss today. He's clearly not happy about it though. That's the thing with shift work too, I'm working all day and by the time he's home at 9pm tonight the last thing I will want to do is go out.

We did try leaving the dc home for short periods, 13yo was fine but 9yo didn't like it and wasn't ready to be left beyond a quick pop to the local shop, that's fine he's only just turned 9.

He is not having an affair, I am fairly certain of that. He's offered to take 13yo to gym with him too as they allow over 12s (obv not at 4am!). It's a basic, budget gym no sauna or jacuzzi so it's not that either. He genuinely is exercising. It's 15min drive away + 20mins to change/shower it's an hour or so of gym time . I just think everyday is not necessary. The twice a day was only on Sunday, that's not been a regular thing either.

I feel like I'm trying to justify it for him now but I think I have realised I've been a little bit unreasonable to get so annoyed at him.

I can see both sides.

I used to be like your husband and had to go six times a week and would wake up at 5am. I got a bit obsessive in that I couldn’t miss a day and each session got progressively longer. It is hard to find balance and I imagine this is what your husband is struggling with. Does he have a very all or nothing personality?

That said, I’m currently pregnant and my husband does he hobby six days a week so I’ve been having serious conversations with him about reducing this as he’ll have new responsibilities etc. and also spending time with me still.

Why 8 or 9 pm? If he's got up at 3.45 and then done some strenuous exercise, I'm betting that he's crashing out virtually as soon as the evening meal is done, if not earlier. In the summer at least kids are playing outside at that sort of time. They might also like their dad's attention in the evening to help with homework, chat about their day, whatever.

It's not difficult to work out, surely, what the issue is If you don't see your partner in the mornings because he goes out to the gym really early, and he crashes out asleep all evening? Not only is he not communicating, he's certainly not doing his fair share of household stuff In those circumstances.

It's utter nonsense to suggest that it would be fine if a woman did this. No-one could sensibly think it would be OK.

You sound like you have a great relationship OP, I’m sure you’ll work it all out.

If he’s getting up at that time he’ll be knackered and asleep all evening. So it is eating into her time.

I hate it when my Dh does an early morning gym session. He’s always tired and grumpy in the evening and goes to bed about 9 o clock

This. I think this is initial excitement / novelty. I think you could also look for active things to do together as a family, so you all benefit - like a walk, cycle, go to park run, go to an indoor climbing centre?

He's going to injury himself going everyday with no rest days.

i forgot this is MN and anything a man does is obviously wrong despite OP saying his gym isn’t affecting him doing his responsibilities at home and from what she has said he isn’t falling asleep as soon as he is home just earlier in the evening- again if this is a major issue then it needs to be discussed between them

OP- would you be interested in doing classes instead of actually working out in the gym? Lots of fun ones you can join at the gym Or swimming?

or even going treadmill and putting on an audiobook.

you totally deserve to have a couple of hours a day to yourself as well so definitely find something you could enjoy. Both of you getting fit and healthy is a benefit to your family

Op if walking is your think with audio book, you could use a treadmill with your audio book. There are a surprising number of people who seem to walk for miles on treadmills.
Lots of gyms give a discount for couples / family membership.

I'm another one who prefers classes, I hate the feeling of being lost in the gym, not sure what to do next.

im an early bird, DH is a late owl so I have my quiet time first thing, while he has it last thing. It works for us. Obviously if we were both early birds we would work a fair balanced compromise

In the past I'd feel like this, but now I look at my dp proudly, so should you. He's looking after himself which means he's a better man to look after his family too. Yes there's an adjustment period, I guarantee if you jump on it too you'll start feeling better in yourself and then everyone is happy. He's still helping you, embrace it!!!

Give him enough rope and he'll have himself before long. Basically, he'll burn out slow down if he's going twice a day. If he works shifts, getting up at 3.45 isn't that batshit. Then he's home in the evenings, albeit tired. There's your free time. Unless the dc need taking somewhere and his evening tiredness is impacting his ability to facilitate their sports/cubs etc.

Yanbu x

Excessive gym, out of the house for hours, huge weight loss and interest in appearance
yeah imo it would be naive not to look further into it