To display a boudoir photograph with a child in the home?

[Notgoingononlyfansyet]

I ‘won’ one of those boudoir shoots and bought some pictures. It was just a bit of a fun, but the pictures are AMAZING. They honestly make me feel capable of anything and really brought home to me that everyday me isn’t all I can be. That with a little extra expertise and resource I can do something very, very different. It’s such a great concept to get my head around and apply in general. (Also, I look smoking hot and who doesn’t love that?!)

I really want to display some of the pictures. They aren’t tacky or sleazy. I’m wearing more that I was on the beach last month. Full Bra, brazillian pants, and a jacket in some shots. No stockings, thongs or bondage type undies. No handcuffs, but some hobby props (a hat and a book. Some pearls) She sees me naked all the time (but I respect her privacy however she prefers and I don’t brazenly wander about naked. We have dogs that open doors, it’s unavoidable, not deliberate or overtly liberal. She locks the bathroom, but will happily yell for me to get her a towel etc. All no big deal in an all girl household) But the pics are overtly sensual. I don’t have a partner and her father is permanently out of the picture for over than a decade. I do sometimes date and she knows about that in age appropriate detail.

My biggest concern is that she will connect it with my dating (which is fairly new and not unconnected in that both are because I feel more sexy than I have for years) but it’s not that dating leads to needing to change to be attractive for dates. It’s feeling more attractive and exploring that through dating AND how I present myself now I have a bit more freedom from lone parenting. How much do I share?! Is it creepy? Is it tacky, even though the pic itself isn’t? Or is it empowering and celebrating myself? (I could have one without my face in and make put it’s not me, but that seems even weirder!)

I’m not going to hang it in the sitting room, but she’ll see it often in my room. So will her friends as they come in and out of her room, because the only blank wall faces the door and our dogs open the door. We’ll have to have at least a chat about not telling my mother/all the neighbours/the greengrocer’s cat about it, what to say to her friends and not to let them photograph it! I just don’t think she’ll get it. I wouldn’t have got it at her age. (I wouldn’t have got it 12 months ago!). Is it unreasonable to expect her to get it with the right framing or should I wait? Until
when?!

All views welcome, but be polite! (Apologies for length, I’m thinking out loud)

Most are "fine"? I don't know what that means. But whatever. You and I have different opinions about protecting and nurturing children. I suppose it's heartening that 86% of the posters here see the point of it.

I do think it's interesting that the OP doesn't want her own mother to see the photos but doesn't understand why they are not appropriate for her own child or her child's friends.

Yes, I know - I just wanted you to admit it. It’s not the content of the images at all. It’s embarrassing old mum who should be in a twin set buttoned up to the neck 🙄

Yes, well done you.

You’re queen of the virtue signallers.

Do you recall the 17YO who came onto the thread earlier with her head in her hands, and said ‘don’t do it!’? What do you say to her?

The irony of the ‘cool’, ‘down with the kids’ posters, expressing their sexuality (allegedly) - their kids would far prefer the other type of parent, of that I’m certain.

Well anyone is pretty easily ignored… but I only engaged with the thread initially to express impatience with the abuse-sayers. So I wasn’t even arguing with you then or half the people who’ve piled on.

So, to clarify, if you’re not calling abuse, you’re just objecting because… embarrassed teen. Oh, or because you have ‘different ideas about nurturing children’. Ok.

Personally I wouldn’t have those photos done at all. It’s not me. But I cannot stand sanctimonious virtue signallers - and they always seem to come out of the woodwork where women’s bodies are concerned 🤔

I suspect not many people. I'm not going to take it up with the website. I'll get my Husband to take a photo of me next time I chuck his shirt on in the bedroom.

You’ve literally just backed up my point.

Your comment reminded me of this Stacey's Mom parody. (nothing to do with op!)

https://www.tiktok.com/@willkingmusic/video/7260213582355352875?lang=en

Of every cohort of people connected with this scenario, I’d say it’s the teens who are the most ‘prudish’ / ‘pearl clutch-y’ / ‘buttoned-up twin-set’.

And a million 🙄 at those descriptors.

You are doing if again. Nobody is wearing a twin set buttoned up to the neck. I said earlier I dress in shorts and a vest top around my Son and his mates. Laughing & joking finding no need to look seductive. Or popping a little photo of me up so they can see me feeling empowered.

We just need dad in his Jo I strap hung on the wall to complete the theme 🤣🤣 nothing to see here!

• Jock

I knew what you meant 😂

Predictably, there is another thread now where an OP has asked why cheeky swimsuits with showing bare arses are all the rage now at public swimming pools and everyone is telling her it’s fine.

But Op can’t have a picture in her own bedroom. 🙄
Has anyone said she can't have photos in her bedroom?
Most objections seem not to be not having the photos, but that they don't need to be displayed where children and their friends are likely to see it (because shutting the door, sorting the door so it doesn't open easily by pets, putting it somewhere that isn't going to be seen by your child and friends the second the door opens, having an album to look at et are all impossible for one reason or another).

Not seen that thread but I'm going to guess it can be summarised as

• some people think that all adults should have a reasonable amount of coverage at public swimming pools
• some people think that adults should wear whatever they want, however much of their ass is on show

The whataboutery is strong though, from what about wedding photos... to but what about swimwear. Both miss the point that neither of those things are an adult having photos focusing on their sexy side hung up where they know children will see it.

It's not rocket science that adults, assuming free and enthusiastic consent obviously, can do what they like to embrace their sexual side. It doesn't mean that children need to be an audience so just make sure that your sexy stuff isn't on view for your children and their friends

Exactly @LolaSmiles

The disingenuous and the obtuse are out in force on this thread…..

GodDammitCecil
It's really not that difficult or shouldn't be. The idea that people are pearl clutches and prudes for thinking there should be boundaries between adults and children is concerning.

Adults can do whatever they like, within the usual boundaries of the law and consent, to feel good sexually or embrace their sexual side. That's for them as individuals to decide, with their partner(s) if relevant.

Keep it away from children because, to put it simply, they're children.

Do whatever photo shoots you want.
Have sex with who you want.
Have whatever sex toys you want.
Just don't have them out where you know your children and their friends will see because your sex life as an adult has nothing to do with children.

Incredible this ^^ needs explaining.

OP

Boudoir photos are not my thing (imagines someone who knows her reacting to that statement) but it's clear that you have enjoyed having them made and looking at them. I hope you find a way to keep enjoying them.

For me the difficulty with displaying them is reflected in the comments around boundaries and what we deliberately expose our children to. The issue is not so much embarrassment (parents always embarrass teenage children, it's a rite of passage) but how the photo itself, and the issues of privacy/secrecy surrounding it, may lead to doubt and confusion for your ND daughter. ND teenagers can be easily led/misled, and very clear structured boundaries around photos she should take or share of herself and others will be very important.

I think the ‘objects I can’t see don’t exist’ phrase has understandably confused people. I apologise for using an in joke that people understandably took literally. It means I forget things without prompts. If something isn’t in sight, I will, for certain, forget all about it, unless prompted by an alarm or a list or something. I don’t technically have an object permanence impairment. I know, logically, that things I can’t see exist. I’m not surprised when I see them. But I have no connection to them while they were out of sight. I can’t ‘keep them in mind’ They may as well not exist. I will never remember something without a cue. Sometimes I don’t remember with a cue. So I have a responsibility to arrange my life so important things have cues or they don’t happen. And there are only so many cues you can arrange before they get in the way of one another.

An ADHD brain lacks the physical structure and chemical reinforcement of learning reward to internally regulate tasks without prompts. Visual or tactile prompts are most effective. I never forget to clean my teeth, for example, because I hate the feeling of unclean teeth (many ADHD people do struggle with it. I can’t imagine why. But, strangely, I can still believe them when they say they do) But I forget to brush my hair fairly often, despite it being part of my morning routine for my whole life, because it doesn’t feel different. I don’t notice I missed it until I catch sight of myself later. I can’t learn routines in the innate way NT people can, because I do not get the chemical reinforcement. Not because I don’t try. Conscious prompts are much less effective because I must first set them up, then attend to them, and then action them before I get distracted. That’s a lot to go wrong. If that means moving around - going upstairs for my afternoon meds, say, something is sure to happen to divert me on the way. And picking up my phone is an absolute nightmare, because there are so many things to pull my attention away from where I want it. I lack the capacity to block them out and stay on a straight path towards my goal. I‘m constantly pulled on the side quests. Just as you will almost always attend to your own name, even if you’re trying to concentrate. Everything is like that for me.

I manage it really well, because I understand how it works and I WORK at it. I have hundreds of strategies in place to help. And because I accept right from the start that I will never look in a drawer or remember to shut a door. I know I have to find another way. So if it’s important, I don’t put it in a bloody drawer. It stays out until I’ve dealt with it. If a door needs to be shut, it needs an auto closer on it. So I fit one. NT people can ‘simply lock the door’ but I can’t. I have to accept the limitations of my disability and compensate for them. I can’t just…..not have the disability and remember to shut a door. That’s not how a disability works, ever. It won’t happen and it would be deeply irresponsible of me to rely on it when I already know I can’t do it.

It’s incredibly disabling. And you can’t win. If you don’t manage it, you’re continually told you must try harder to manage it. And if you do half kill yourself managing it, you’re told you’re doing fine and what are you making such a fuss about? Because you’re making a monumental effort and achieving normality (or likely slightly below. Which is the worst, because you get to half kill yourself and STILL get told you should make more of an effort and less of a fuss). As demonstrated by pages and pages of people telling me I’m being dramatic and not taking points on board because I can’t remember to shut a door, despite it being well documented and common for ADHD people have memory problems and that leaving doors open (google ADHD and doors. Every hit says we leave them open all the time!) Someone (presumably NT) can still say ‘I know lots of people with ADHD and none of them have memory problems’ and it’s just taken as read, whereas I can explain the science behind my diagnosis by medical professionals and DSM 5 disability until I’m blue in the face, and yet still be repeatedly told I’m being dramatic, to get on with it and just stop being disabled. Because Some Lady knows lots of people with ADHD and no memory problems (I forget who. You can laugh). Some Lady, frankly, is ignorant and spreading it. Google ADHD and memory of you want.

And people can’t understand why I’m frustrated? I’m frustrated because I’m listening and responding to viewpoints AND I’ve changed my actions, and I’m still being told I’m not taking things on board and my views are entrenched and harmful. I’m frustrated because I’m being told that my disability isn’t relevant and I’m
being dramatic and not utilising a simple solution, when a two second google will confirm it is precisely what I say it is and does indeed prevent me from doing so. I’m frustrated because strangers on the internet are telling me how flawed I am based on a single incident. And I’m frustrated because I’m being told how to feel. There is no right way to feel. There is a right way to act, but there is no right way to feel.

um, I don’t know know what thread you’re reading, but there is precious little sympathy anywhere, at any point.

I can’t remember exactly what I said, but no, I don’t love other people’s photos. Why would I? I like mine because they are of me. I like them because they show how I feel. And because they show me in a way I didn’t know I could be, they perfectly capture how I feel. Sure, they are posed and there is make up. But not edited, not photoshopped. We created a visual representation of how I feel now. It’s lovely. And I had no idea it was even possible.

Why would I feel like that about other people’s photos? I hope THEY feel like that about their own photos, sure. And I would absolutely say nice things about them to their faces, because I would never be so fucking rude as the previous posters (mostly) are. I don’t know if I’d feel differently about someone I knew. But I don’t know them. And I skimmed though a bunch in a tizzy because I had exactly three days to pull together a plan and outfits and props. I was looking for ideas, not critiquing their make up. Or whatever.

it was a bit like looking at people’s holiday photos. They look nice, but it wasn’t my experience. I don’t really have a connection to them. I’ll likely never see them again. They aren’t here. It’s not tactless or rude. I don’t really see that this is relevant. Except it reinforces to me that this is about how I feel.

If you are trying to say I’m belittling other women who had a lingerie shoot, while revering my own, go ahead. I’m not actually asking women here to big up pics. They can have whatever view they like on them. It’s fine. What they think of boudoir photos doesn’t define their character, add to or take away from their validity or accomplishments. They are entitled to feel however they like about them independently of their whole self. Even if it’s different to me. Even if I don’t understand their feelings. And I’d like them to do me the same courtesy. But they can’t.

Tearing another women apart over them does, I think, say something about their character. And completely reviling me, invalidating my achievements, accomplishments and feelings, disempowering my agency to even know what they are, reducing me to nothing more than my pictures and making sweeping, baseless character judgements based on nothing more than the pictures says far, far more about their characters than mine, don’t you think? It’s misogyny at its finest.

but no, I don’t love other people’s photos. Why would I? I like mine because they are of me.

Then your DD and her friends, and whoever else who sees them through the open door won’t love them either, on that rationale.

All the more reason not to hang them, and keep them where only you can see them, as you’re now doing.

I do not want my mother to see them because she has VERY poor form for respecting privacy. She would be calling my stepfather over to look, screenshot them and show them round her Spanish language group in a flash. And she’d tell the whole extended family, with gusto and pride. And I don’t want that. The absolute last thing she would be is shocked. I probably would show her if she had the slightest notion of discretion. If they were her pictures, she wouldn’t GAF who saw them, and it wouldn’t even begin to occur to her that I might feel differently. When she stays here she still barges in to talk to me while I’m in the bath. She doesn’t mind, so why would I? I don’t care about her privacy values at all. She should do whatever she’s comfortable with. But I WILL have mine respected. And with mum, that means she doesn’t get to know.

Does that change your view at all?

Why do you think it’s relevant that I don’t want my mother to see them? Why is it not my choice who sees them and not. I could decide to show them to all the neighbours with odd street numbers and not even ones if I so chose. It doesn’t need to be remotely comprehensible to anyone but me. Why must people understand, or agree with my choices here to respect them? I can understand why people feel entitled to weigh in about children. We all have a responsibility to safeguard children. But what adults I choose to share, or not, with need make no sense at all. To anyone.

My photos. My choice who views. FULL STOP.

I don’t ‘not understand’ why they are inappropriate for my child or her friends. I don’t necessarily agree that it’s actually harmful, but I understand. I said ON PAGE SIX I wasn’t going to put them up. What I don’t understand (and neither does anyone else) is how the wildly dangerous images on my wall will scar children far and wide, but will magically become completely innocuous when plastered all over the tv, m and s, the back of buses, billboards etc and children of all ages can safely view them hundreds of times a day. I have no issue with the standard. I have issues with the inconsistency of application. Unless it can be justified somehow, it’s hypocrisy.

Only a couple of fringe extremists have even vaguely said the images are ‘wildly dangerous’ - no need to exaggerate.

And people have explained your final point / wondering many times.

First of all, no sexual/sensual image is really ‘completely innocuous’, depending on the age of the child. Children shouldn’t (and don’t) ‘safely viewing them 100s of times a day’.

Second of all - as has been said many, many times - no child wants to be encouraged to embrace their sexuality via images (or actions) of a family member, let alone a parent. You really seem to be struggling with this, and I can only put it down to the childhood you described upthread, where actually, you were.

I said on page six I was not going to put them up.

And there IS nowhere where she can’t see them. She lives here. Do people normally have whole no go zones for children in their houses? We don’t. I don’t even have the pictures yet. She doesn’t know about them. I’m not going to tell her.

I have ADHD. People who have ADHD do not remember things that don’t have cues. If I put the flaming things in a drawer they may as well not exist. Yes, really. No, I don’t care if you believe me or not. No, ADHD, my psychiatrist, my GP, My specialist nurse, NICE, WHO and the DSM 5 don’t care if YOU think ADHD is a real disability or not. Take it up with them, if you must. No, everyone is not a bit ADHD. No I don’t fidget. 70% of us don’t. No, everyone does not have a label these days. Yes, I’m sure you do forget things sometimes too. Yes, I have a list/alarm/diary/calendar/reminder system. No, I don’t think I could just ‘try really hard to remember’. Yes, it is STILL a real disability, even if I don’t ‘look’ like I have ADHD. No, I don’t care who you know who has it and can still look in drawers/takes CBD and is all better/walks on the ceiling. Disabilities are not factory settings and they are probably hiding their impairments. Most of us do, because we are routinely shamed. Yes. I’ve been diagnosed by a medical professional. Yes, I’m medicated. No, I still don’t remember things I can’t see. No, I don’t look at other albums in drawers, ever. Does that cover everyone’s prejudice and ableism? If not, look it up. I’m sick of being told to just not have a disability or that my disability is not a real disability or doesn’t impact me the way I think it does, or that it would be better for everyone else if I just tried harder not to have it. You are not qualified to hold that opinion. I’d love not to have it. No, I do not think I am being dramatic.

HOUSE! (I apologise most profusely to anyone who was not thinking these things. But there are precious few of you and I am running out of patience with it. It saves time if I just run through the usual prejudices and get them out of the way, don’t you think? It’s not as though there is ever anything new)

Do people normally have whole no go zones for children in their houses?

No? We don’t have anything we want to hang that might not be suitable for a general audience?