To display a boudoir photograph with a child in the home?

[Notgoingononlyfansyet]

I ‘won’ one of those boudoir shoots and bought some pictures. It was just a bit of a fun, but the pictures are AMAZING. They honestly make me feel capable of anything and really brought home to me that everyday me isn’t all I can be. That with a little extra expertise and resource I can do something very, very different. It’s such a great concept to get my head around and apply in general. (Also, I look smoking hot and who doesn’t love that?!)

I really want to display some of the pictures. They aren’t tacky or sleazy. I’m wearing more that I was on the beach last month. Full Bra, brazillian pants, and a jacket in some shots. No stockings, thongs or bondage type undies. No handcuffs, but some hobby props (a hat and a book. Some pearls) She sees me naked all the time (but I respect her privacy however she prefers and I don’t brazenly wander about naked. We have dogs that open doors, it’s unavoidable, not deliberate or overtly liberal. She locks the bathroom, but will happily yell for me to get her a towel etc. All no big deal in an all girl household) But the pics are overtly sensual. I don’t have a partner and her father is permanently out of the picture for over than a decade. I do sometimes date and she knows about that in age appropriate detail.

My biggest concern is that she will connect it with my dating (which is fairly new and not unconnected in that both are because I feel more sexy than I have for years) but it’s not that dating leads to needing to change to be attractive for dates. It’s feeling more attractive and exploring that through dating AND how I present myself now I have a bit more freedom from lone parenting. How much do I share?! Is it creepy? Is it tacky, even though the pic itself isn’t? Or is it empowering and celebrating myself? (I could have one without my face in and make put it’s not me, but that seems even weirder!)

I’m not going to hang it in the sitting room, but she’ll see it often in my room. So will her friends as they come in and out of her room, because the only blank wall faces the door and our dogs open the door. We’ll have to have at least a chat about not telling my mother/all the neighbours/the greengrocer’s cat about it, what to say to her friends and not to let them photograph it! I just don’t think she’ll get it. I wouldn’t have got it at her age. (I wouldn’t have got it 12 months ago!). Is it unreasonable to expect her to get it with the right framing or should I wait? Until
when?!

All views welcome, but be polite! (Apologies for length, I’m thinking out loud)

If these women are standing in poses on the beach that make their bodies ache three days later? Yes, I’d absolutely cringe.

Intentionally standing in postures such that their bum is the prominent feature? Definitely.

There’s a difference yes - but it’s a difference of degrees not fundamentals. Male gaze influences women’s appearance to different degrees depending on place, circumstances, event etc. So you can’t say ‘boudoir photos are bad because of male gaze’ - because male gaze is endemic.

I agree, but as I said in my previous post, surely this is one of those things that just isn't worth the risk? If you even have to stop and think "Would my daughter's teacher report me to social services if she told them about this?" then it's best avoided.
I 100% agree with you.

The pertinent question I keep coming back to is something along the lines of "why would an adult's sense of self/sexuality be so dependent on them hanging sexy photos of themselves around their child?"

It strikes me that there's probably other issues at play.

For example, most parents don't feel the need to show their sexy side around their children because there are appropriate boundaries between adults and children for good reasons. Parents are the first example to children about healthy boundaries between children and adults.

Parents who don't share their sexy side with their children aren't ashamed of their sexuality, nor are they suppressing themselves, nor are they (can't remember the exact caricature from up thread) asexual frumpy people wearing sacks to deny they're sexual beings. They're likely confident in themselves that they don't need the validation of performing their sexy side around their children to feel complete or prove they're confident in themselves. It's simply a side of them that is totally irrelevant to children.

Where the scales tip and the thought process strays into this sexy thing made me feel good or empowered and if I don't have it on display at all times, including around my children then that doesn't validate me, there's probably some deeper questions to ask about why exposing children to sexualised content is a risk worth taking for adult validation. At that point the adult, in my opinion, needs to work on their own self confidence and esteem.

Because I was genuinely interested in peoples views. Because I like to broaden my views based on other people’s knowledge and experience. Because I think sexuality, especially female, how it’s expressed and viewed and developed in young women is and important discussion to have.

ADHD means I have measurable chemical and structural changes in my brain that result in problems with routine, with remembering things, with object permanence, with keeping on track and getting distracted, and especially with multi step processes. Those are very, very typical ADHD symptoms. Of course, they may not be universal (although in my experience they are) You may know people who have different symptoms. But it’s far, far more likely that they are both working unbelievably hard to minimise the impact and also hiding any failures (and effort) out of shame, and their household is stepping up and filling in gaps. And even if you do know people with ADHD who have different symptoms, that does not mean I don’t have those symptoms.

I bring it up because ‘simply’ locking the door isn’t at all simple for us. And people keep saying I’m being dramatic. I’m not. I’m being disabled. And because I genuinely do forget about things that I can’t see. Again, I’m not being lazy. It’s a recognised symptom of a disability.

Yes, I leave my car unlocked on the regular. Yes, I leave doors unlocked fairly often. Yes, I have a routine, yes, it’s written down. Yes, I have back up alarms. Yes they sometimes fail. Conscious strategies are often a poor substitute for a normal innate ability. No, I never, ever look at baby photo albums. Or photos on my Mac. Yes, I simply forget they are there. If you asked me, or something triggers a memory, I’d remember. But I’d never spontaneously look at them. Even if I meant to I probably get distracted by something else first. Yes, I try to put things away. But if I get interrupted (All. The. Time) I will forget to go back to it. I might notice later. Or I might not. It’s not an excuse, I make every humanly possible attempt not to. And that starts with not relying on something I already know is beyond my limitations. Just knowing it’s a problem for me doesn’t solve it. That’s why my ADHD (and my daughters) comes up a lot. Only 30 percent of people with ADHD are hyperactive.

I wonder if the ADHD is more of an influence on this that I realised. I’m getting big dopamine hits from sex in general just now and those shots are probably giving me little ones. That doesn’t make it OK, but it would explain why I feel so sad about putting them away, and why displaying them would make me happy. Beats being addicted to gambling or vaping, for sure! Thanks for the insight.

You just named it as “sex” related. That’s the problem right there. Adults really can’t purposely or neglectfully expose children to something that gives them a sexual rush. It would be abusive.

It is not empowering. It gives me zero power. I had all the agency it is possible to have in a a patriarchal society years ago. It doesn’t validate me to have it around my child. It doesn’t validate me at all and I would like NOT to have it around my child, but she lives here. It’s not actually possible! If I had a private study or whatever, they’d just go in there. But I don’t. Who does? Anyway, I’m a lone parent. I have to be available pretty much permanently. It’s how it is.

The pictures express how I feel. I like that. They show me things I did not know I could do. That’s a good reminder. I don’t think they automatically denote poor self esteem. I absolutely accept they not how I normally look, but they are me.

I’ve decided not to display them. I’m sad about it, but I don’t NEED them fill my yawning pit of insecurities, anymore than one needs wedding pictures to validate being married. It’s a nice reminder that makes you smile. I’m really not getting why people find this so hard to understand, and that I MUST be terribly insecure and an awful person to like them. Even if it were deeply wrong to like them, why can’t I be a well rounded and capable confident woman with a small flaw that I like seeing myself in lingerie? Why must it define my entire character?

If I wanted a massive wedding shot over the mantelpiece, no one would be banging on about how I don’t usually look like that, it’s posed, massive make up, edited, filtered etc etc etc. Why do you need a huge reminder, can’t you just look at your husband, getting married isn’t an achievement to celebrate anyone can do it and so on. Yet all those arguments would still apply. They might think it’s a bit obsessive to have such a big shot, but people would get that you looked different than you usually do, that you had help looking different and you wanted a reminder of a good feeling, and that would be ok. Taking the child out of the equation (because it’s not relevant to those arguments) and put it in the bedroom, why is this so different?

There's a huge variety in clothes for women and fashionable clothes for women some might fall into pandering to the male gaze category - many do not. "Boudoir photos" very obviously are entirely driven by it.

It’s different because:

1. you are confident in your body and skin, they hate that
2. because you are doing something that’s not for the male gaze, they hate that too

Wedding photos and sexual photos night both make the adult feel good, but it's different because exposing a child to a marriage is not harmful in the way that exposing them to sexual content they aren't emotionally ready for is.

A pp suggested hanging the photo on the inside of your wardrobe door. That sounds like a pretty good suggestion to me, you will naturally see them but others won't.

f I wanted a massive wedding shot over the mantelpiece, no one would be banging on about how I don’t usually look like that, it’s posed, massive make up, edited, filtered etc etc etc. Why do you need a huge reminder, can’t you just look at your husband, getting married isn’t an achievement to celebrate anyone can do it and so on. Yet all those arguments would still apply. They might think it’s a bit obsessive to have such a big shot, but people would get that you looked different than you usually do, that you had help looking different and you wanted a reminder of a good feeling, and that would be ok. Taking the child out of the equation (because it’s not relevant to those arguments) and put it in the bedroom, why is this so different?

If certain people (your daughter’s friends for instance) saw your boudoir pictures she would never live it down…whereas I’m pretty sure no 13-year-old gossips about their friends’ parents’ wedding photos being on display.

because you are doing something that’s not for the male gaze, they hate that too

The image might not be for a man but throwing the glad eye at the camera while you pose like a horny ringmaster, complete with top hat, so you can consume your own image and admire your maximum potential as a sexual object - fits the absolute definition of production and consumption of an image through the lens of a male gaze.

(I realise you did say “take the child out of the equation” but the entire thread is predicated on the idea of hanging this picture where a child might see it so I’m not sure why we’re now taking the child out of the equation?)

1. you are confident in your body and skin, they hate that

@Zarah123

Who hates that? I'm very confident in my body and skin.

I agree with this.

If no children came to the house you could plaster the walls with graphic pornography if you liked.

The issue is exposing children to sexual content.

Then society is failing our children badly. It’s all over billboards and buses and tv. Jeez, m and s has sexier pics on display. Who’s calling them out? (In fact, the picture in question reminds me of a Sloggi advert)

I get that I’m her parent. But the argument that this is abusive is being brought up about other people’s children. Who are all bombarded with much, much, sexier things all day long. Why is it wrong because it’s a real woman? And in my home?

I know. But if you wear any of the clothes that do pander to the male gaze, are you also being abusive if children can see you in those clothes? Otherwise ‘male gaze’ as an objection in OP’s case won’t work.

Because OP knew what she wanted to do before she made the thread. She's not open to anyone's opinions and arguing with everyone as she hasn't heard what she wanted to hear. It's mind-numbing.

Just out of curiosity, I’ve just done a Google search for boudoir photography and the images are very, very tame compared to the images that (presumably) posters on here have been imagining given their wailings about safeguarding. They’re basically woman wearing either a floaty robe or some nice underwear (not fetish gear as someone absurdly mentioned upthread), lying on a bed. The expressions are either serious or smiling. No weird sexually suggestive contortions or anything.

They’re considerably tamer than things teenagers will regularly see on music videos, to name one source of scantily clad women.

So why is this so different? I think we know! It’s because it’s a mum doing this in a space where she’s only allowed to be a mum!! Society doesn’t like mums getting out of their box.

Ever heard people disparagingly say of someone looking dowdy “she looks like someone’s mum”? Well, this is the inverse of that.

Posters have also tried to help but she said she can't do any of them because she has ADHD. So its a choice of put the photo up or don't and forget about them forever.

@Myfavouritepenguin The ones I've found are like this.

Whilst it isn't offensive and the woman looks very sexy I still don't think my teenage lad would want one of me like this in view of his friends.

My Husband would like it saved on his phone.

Well, the OP said the main feature in one of the photos is her bum, and that she's still in pain days later, so I think it's safe to say there were indeed some weird contortions!

In all seriousness, if a man put up a photo of himself posing erotically in his underwear where his children could see it, what would you say? Would you say that anyone objected was criticising him for stepping outside the label of "Dad"?

Also, I'm a Mum but I don't just feel like a Mum. I act very different with my Husband when we are on our own than when I'm with my Son.

My issue is not that it’s a mum. More that it is this girl’s mum.

My daughter is fine with mums in the public eye being attractive and sexy. But she really would find it uncomfortable seeing photos of her own mum in those sexy clothes/positions. I would respect her views on this.

Because it's not a genuine concern. It's just a way to try to shame OP for the shoot from dishonest and disingenuous people who would exploit child abuse as a fig leaf for the fact that they're offended by boudoir shoots.

It would be abusive to sit a child down in front of a hard-core porn film and force them to watch. It's beyond ludicrous to compare this to a child living in a house where Mum has an underwear shot of herself in the bedroom. It's as ludicrous as the posters who scrolled through 30+ pages of OP being called stupid, ugly, narcissistic, cringey, insecure, a liar, morally unsound, dishonest and everything else, and tried to tell us nobody insulted her and nobody is offended by boudoir.

It is past all credibility now (actually it passed all credibility yesterday) and truly not worth any more time. It is farcical.

I'm going to be charitable and decide that these people don't actually really believe this total shash and are just caught up in Internet Bunfight Syndrome. You know, where you reach for absolutely anything, no matter how absurd and laughable, because you want to win on the Internet. Plus the absolute insanity that takes hold of some women at the idea of boudoir shots. It's a heady mix, I guess.

Some posters can't get their heads around that even though some women don't feel the need to display sexy photos in front of their children that these women and their partners have very sexy images of each other that they keep private. My Husband has photos of me that are for his eyes only. Nobody is clutching their pearls in shock.