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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister has said she never wants to speak to me again

159 replies

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:14

I have just left my sister’s house, she lived around 50 miles away and it takes a while to get there.

She spent the whole evening being angry and shouting at her husband and her son about what I do not know. She just seemed very awkward. It was embarrassing as we have not seen each other for a few months and I had been invited over for an informal dinner and a catch up and I took the effort to drive quite a distance to her house, leaving my kids at home.

She just seemed angry all the time with everything. She and her son were having an argument at the dinner table and her husband took the son’s side as she was obviously in the wrong. She asked me why I did not support her in the argument and I said it was a family matter and I did not want to get involved. She then started crying and stormed off. She locked herself in her bedroom and asked us all to F off as she did not want to talk to us. We tried talking to her through the door but it became too much of a drama so I left her and her husband to it.

Her husband said he may think if it the time of life, but I never experienced this irrational anger and I am a few years older. My sister is usually not like this and I would like to think she would talk to me about what is happening in her life.

to cut a long story short, as soon as I got home, my sister sent me a series of long ranting texts saying that I never support her, that I have undermined her with her family and I have taken their side against her and then brought up tonnes of resentments from our childhood. Then she stated that as I never support her or have never backed her up, she is cutting me out of her life and never wants to see me again. I tried texting back but she has blocked me. I don’t know what I have done wrong, apart from being impartial.

what should I have done ?

OP posts:
Woahtheremate · 18/09/2023 22:17

Her loss, you done what you could. No one deserves to be treated like that.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 18/09/2023 22:19

Nothing. She's clearly doing this to everyone. She may be having some kind of breakdown - she's clearly very stressed/emotional. I just wouldn't respond for now.

maddening · 18/09/2023 22:22

How old is your nephew?

Ponoka7 · 18/09/2023 22:22

Could you email her? It could be something genuine going on. You are massively unreasonable to say because you didn't go through something during the menopause, it isn't real. It also depends on the nature of how her DH and DS ganged up on her and what it was over.

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:23

maddening · 18/09/2023 22:22

How old is your nephew?

He is 15. He doesn’t seem too bad and not half as ‘difficult’ as my own son.

OP posts:
maddening · 18/09/2023 22:30

Then I would reach out to BIL as it must be worrying to have your sister like that, BIL needs to protect his son. It sounds like your dsis is not in her right mind if this behaviour is unusual and she is being aggressive. See if there is anyway you can support the family.

Or speak to your parents?

Superduper02 · 18/09/2023 22:30

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 18/09/2023 22:19

Nothing. She's clearly doing this to everyone. She may be having some kind of breakdown - she's clearly very stressed/emotional. I just wouldn't respond for now.

Agree. Do nothing. She will probably get in touch to apologise/explain in a few days. Maybe send a letter with a nice note or bar of choc to break the ice. If she doesn't have form for acting like this, I'd be neutral for now.

Londisc · 18/09/2023 22:41

You say she's not normally like this so obviously there is something wrong. Your own experience of menopause is completely irrelevant and the fact that you have made the comment that you have here might be indicative of the kind of thing that has made her feel like you are not as supportive as you think you are.
She is being unreasonable in her behaviour for sure - you know this as you know she does not normally behave like this - but it is there any nugget of truth at the root of her resentment? In any case, if she doesn't calm down and get in touch soon, then you can decide whether you want to write her a letter or an email saying you are sorry she feels unsupported, that she is very important to you and you are there to talk whenever she is ready. Only if that's the way you feel, of course...

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:41

Ponoka7 · 18/09/2023 22:22

Could you email her? It could be something genuine going on. You are massively unreasonable to say because you didn't go through something during the menopause, it isn't real. It also depends on the nature of how her DH and DS ganged up on her and what it was over.

I am a bit angry with her. I have not been particularly close as I left home at 18 and she stayed but we have a relatively cordial relationship and we communicate and see each other every few months. I have never said a bad word about her.

the argument was about her son’s tone of voice. She said he was clearly talking in a disrespectful tone of voice. It did not seem like it to me or to his father. My BIL just said he just asked you a question in a reasonable tone and she took the huff.

she was ranting that her husband always took the son’s side and was always undermining her when it came to disciplining him and the son was really disrespectful because she was always being undermined.

it really was an argument about nothing. I don’t have background or context but ostensibly it would appear that my nephew was being reasonable and was very neutral in the tone he adopted.

i can’t even believe that I fell out with her over what seems like an interpretation of a tone of voice.

OP posts:
anythinginapinch · 18/09/2023 22:44

You fell out with her because rightly or wrongly she's feeling alone and unsupported, isolated and unloved, unimportant. That you didn't actively support her was the tin lid. I'd reach out to her. She's probably in need of 121 time with someone who can listen to her rant without telling her she's wrong, etc.

Kitkatcatflap · 18/09/2023 22:47

Sounds like me during the menopause.

Greensleeves · 18/09/2023 22:47

It sounds like she's having a breakdown. If she's decided you're the enemy, it's probably better if you stay out of her way for now, but you can support your BIL and nephew and stay in touch with what's happening that way; as long as they know you're there for her whenever she's ready, that's the most you can do for her now. If she has any very close friends or trusted people within the family, it might be worth clueing them in that she's struggling, as they may be able to support her in a way that you can't at the moment.

I suspect she isn't thinking clearly at all and the hostility towards you is a part of her illness, so try not to take it too personally. I know that's really difficult Flowers

radiantorange · 18/09/2023 22:47

The fact you have asked 'what should I have done?' about your own sister says a lot…

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 18/09/2023 22:49

M’y DM had the occasional spasm of this sort of behaviour when she was menopausal, it baffled DF and me and of course it was before HRT. ( I went on it as soon as I spotted the signs in myself). so her DH is probably on the money.

I would just try to let it slide, as it doesn’t seem that you are close enough to be a source of advice. Maybe give her a call in week or so and just try to have a pleasant talk about very little?

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:51

maddening · 18/09/2023 22:30

Then I would reach out to BIL as it must be worrying to have your sister like that, BIL needs to protect his son. It sounds like your dsis is not in her right mind if this behaviour is unusual and she is being aggressive. See if there is anyway you can support the family.

Or speak to your parents?

Unfortunately there is just the two of us and no one to intervene.

I am a single mother who has brought up all my children by myself and did not have the time or space for drama and self-pity.

OP posts:
Pottyberry · 18/09/2023 22:55

She told you to F off and you did. She was clearly angry before you arrived. I would keep in touch with Bil and see if she's OK, but if she's blocked your number you can't contact her anyway

Chickychoccyegg · 18/09/2023 22:56

If this was my sister, I'd be concerned about the out of character behaviour.
maybe she is unsupported and undermined?
Or it could very likely be the menopause (your own experience of this is irrelevant)

It doesn't sound like you have much sympathy for her anyway.
I would probably send her a card /note and maybe some chocolate or flowers to say your thinking of her and hope she's ok.

Gagaandgag · 18/09/2023 22:56

Don't ignore her, reach out to her

LightSpeeds · 18/09/2023 22:57

"I don’t know what I have done wrong, apart from being impartial."

Well, you've answered your own question. You've done nothing.

She sounds like she really needs some support from you and you've backed away. She's clearly struggling - if you care enough about her, then show it it by providing some support.

Chickychoccyegg · 18/09/2023 22:59

Just seen your last post, yeah you're not too bothered, maybe Google how badly some women are genuinely affected by menopause, its not being a dramatic or filled with self pity, you don't come across very caring about your sister.

TheUsualChaos · 18/09/2023 23:02

I agree with others, this kind of irrational anger could well be caused by perimenopause. She needs to get to her GP.

Findingmypurposeinlife · 18/09/2023 23:02

You never know what's going on behind closed doors.
Leave her be for now, and protect your boundaries (and your own peace), but maybe 'leave the door ajar' in case she needs to make contact - but on your terms too in future.
There may come a time when you both need each other and hopefully she will realise that before it's too late.

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:02

radiantorange · 18/09/2023 22:47

The fact you have asked 'what should I have done?' about your own sister says a lot…

It is true. We are not as close as I would have liked, but it is down to the fact that we are very different people and there is an age difference.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 18/09/2023 23:07

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:51

Unfortunately there is just the two of us and no one to intervene.

I am a single mother who has brought up all my children by myself and did not have the time or space for drama and self-pity.

Show quote history

You sound very cold in your response.
So because you coped your sister should too.

Ella31 · 18/09/2023 23:07

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:51

Unfortunately there is just the two of us and no one to intervene.

I am a single mother who has brought up all my children by myself and did not have the time or space for drama and self-pity.

Show quote history

I was going to defend you until you wrote this as you clearly couldn't give a s### about her.

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