Sister has said she never wants to speak to me again

[MadeleineMummy]

I have just left my sister’s house, she lived around 50 miles away and it takes a while to get there.

She spent the whole evening being angry and shouting at her husband and her son about what I do not know. She just seemed very awkward. It was embarrassing as we have not seen each other for a few months and I had been invited over for an informal dinner and a catch up and I took the effort to drive quite a distance to her house, leaving my kids at home.

She just seemed angry all the time with everything. She and her son were having an argument at the dinner table and her husband took the son’s side as she was obviously in the wrong. She asked me why I did not support her in the argument and I said it was a family matter and I did not want to get involved. She then started crying and stormed off. She locked herself in her bedroom and asked us all to F off as she did not want to talk to us. We tried talking to her through the door but it became too much of a drama so I left her and her husband to it.

Her husband said he may think if it the time of life, but I never experienced this irrational anger and I am a few years older. My sister is usually not like this and I would like to think she would talk to me about what is happening in her life.

to cut a long story short, as soon as I got home, my sister sent me a series of long ranting texts saying that I never support her, that I have undermined her with her family and I have taken their side against her and then brought up tonnes of resentments from our childhood. Then she stated that as I never support her or have never backed her up, she is cutting me out of her life and never wants to see me again. I tried texting back but she has blocked me. I don’t know what I have done wrong, apart from being impartial.

what should I have done ?

There is no point is bringing up the past, she will never see anyone else’s point of view and it will not serve any purpose apart from to be an outlet for my frustrations over the years.

Nothing you can do but tbh it sounds like she's really struggling.

So because your menopause wasn’t that bad, hers can’t be? Are you actually serious? I kind of see where her comment about you undermining her and not supporting her comes from to be honest.

I am not trivialising her struggles, just feel that I am tired of not being sympathetic enough in her hour of need due to the way she has treated me over the years.

I want to be the better person but am struggling.

She sounds like she needs everything her way . And had a tantrum when her husband and you didn't back her up over a daft argument. Her son probably has experienced this behaviour with her before.
Being that dramatic over a teenager's tone of voice is ridiculous.

She obviously needs to grow up or get help.
As for the things she has said about your children. We'll that's just horrible . And shows a lot about her character.
I would wait for her to apologise and not worry about it in the meantime

It sounds like the OP was right to take her nephew's side. A parent inventing an "insolent tone of voice" purely to have a go at their child is borderline abusive and she was right to stand up for him.

From the updates it seems as though the sister has indeed been a consistent source of toxicity.

It's the nephew and BIL that the OP needs to stay in touch with and support because if this is just the tip of the iceberg as to how she treats them, that's quite worrying.

Well seeing as you’ve gone from this being out of character for her, to now describing a horrible nasty person who is a racist to boot, shouldn’t you be happy you no longer have to bother with her?

There was nothing you could have done, OP, and nothing you can do now. Accept her lack of communication with good grace. And be glad of it! She probably wanted you there so you could back her up with whatever problems she's having with the men in her life. She should post here so we can all give her our opinions.

while i think you were right not to get involved, saying previously that you weren't like this during menopause and then this makes you seem very judgy and not at all sympathetic to your sister

wait a few days then contact her and ask her if she wants to talk, or if there's something going on that you can help her with.

But if you're not going to listen to her, don't bother.

Menopause or not, she’s been horrifically rude. I can’t see why you’re in the wrong!

YANBU. If there has been a sudden change in personality/behaviour there might be something seriously wrong that you are not aware of. If this is the case, I would give the person a second chance. But it depends on how you feel.

@MadeleineMummy your sister sounds exactly like mine!!

She is a complete narcissist,only interested in herself etc. The second she is called out she throughs the biggest hissy fits. She also does the poor hard done by baby sister who was bullied by the awful big sister

In reality she was the pampered princess, got everything handed to her, never had to fight for anything in terms of parental freedoms etc. She also escaped the abuse from our dad's alcoholism because she was younger so wasnt dubjected to it and was also too young so doesn't remember it. I am grateful she was spared it. I don't envy her and am not jealous in the slightest.

I have a very "you do you and I'll do me" attitude. Which is in complete opposition to her, she has a much more of a "my way or the highway" approach as does our mum and our grandmother before her. It was this attitude that finally killed our relationship.

We are currently nc as a result because i called time on dealing with her drama.

You cannot win with people like her or your sister.

You would have been wrong for intervening or not.

What you do next is up to you but in your situation I left it with a you don't have to like it but you do have to accept it. And if you can't accept it then I would prefer you stay out of my life.

She hasn't spoken to me since but has painted it to anyone who will listen that I am an evil bitch.

Again...there was no winning.

Sounds like she's going through something.

I'd be tempted to message stating that you will respect her wishes for distance but that you are there for her if she needs you. I'd also encourage her to see her gp as her rage seems really disproportionate.

I think I'd also keep in touch with her DH and your nephew. It can't be nice living with that much anger.

Do try to have more empathy though, OP. Some women go through a dreadful time through the menopause and hormonal imbalances can cause psychosis that is no way a choice, self-pity or 'drama'.

My sister is not racist, she is unthinking and ignorant but not racist. She has lived in a bubble, never really did anything of meaningful accomplishment and mixed with a small closed minded set of people. I struggle to condemn her as she is a product of our shared environment. I left and fended for myself. She stayed and married the first man who asked her. She was the prettier, sportier, funnier, more flighty one who was the laugh and soul of the party. I was not as attractive, less sporty, more bookish. She had an easier life but I never resented it. But to listen to her she was hard done by, my parents were controlling and did not like her going out (she had a new boyfriend each week although they wanted her to concentrate on studying), she had the trauma of living through their divorce while living at home, she looked after my mother when my father left and before she went into a home.

None of that is true. She caused my parents no end of trauma as she had a really bad reputation when she was younger, the divorce was as painless as a divorce could be, my mother lived in her own house before she couldn’t cope and moved to sheltered accommodation. My mother often said she saw me more frequently even though my sister lived nearby. My sister said you always had it so good, moving away and not having to deal with the issues at home. My sister never had a career and worked dead end jobs for pocket money while living off my parents. She spent all her cash on herself and my parents bought her cars, paid for holidays and even her first wedding, which was a lavish affair in our village (it lasted less than 2 years). When she divorced her first husband she went and stayed with my Dad in the US and confided in him rather than stay with me, even though we lived in the same country. She has never confided in me about anything and all we chat about is practical staff about my Mother’s care, home or her health or my sisters successes.

I had a small wedding and very few of my family came apart from my Mum and Dad and my sister and her latest flame that she groped and tongued on the dance floor (which was a funny story for a while). My Uncle said he couldn’t leave his farm, my other Uncle could not leave his dogs to come to London and my Aunt told me that she hated London and it held no fascination for her and would never come down but if we had a wedding in the village like my sister, she would have come along.

I never really Resented her life as I did my own thing. She just seemed to have had no interest in me or my life and everything was about her and her troubles.

I seem like ranting now which I did not want to do. I have held all of this back over the years and never said anything to her or about her. She has never turned to me when she was in need and I never turned to her when I had troubles. I have tried over the years but we are different people.

Thank you for filling in all this background. It sounds as though your sister blocking you may be a merciful rest for you. (But I wouldn't agree that she isn't racist. Anyone who speaks of your children by an Asian father as 'mongrels' and says no English man would want you is certainly racist by any standards. This is much more than being unthinking and ignorant.)

You say she's not normally like this so obviously there is something wrong. Your own experience of menopause is completely irrelevant and the fact that you have made the comment that you have here might be indicative of the kind of thing that has made her feel like you are not as supportive as you think you are

This. And your later comment about how much worse it was for you and you did not have time for drama and self -pity.

You are clearly a very unsupportive person and it looks like this has hurt your sister and the dinner was just the final straw. She's probably right that she is better off without you.

Same. I'm a lot younger than my sister. Other siblings are dead. We were (are) always there for one another.

She sounds like she is having a real personal crisis. I am sensing a bit of superiority in your posts OP. A bit like how the mighty have fallen.

im sorry but you saying she isnt a racist is wrong-everyone knows what is right and wrong you dont put it down to ignorance she lives in the uk not the back end of nowhere

she sounds awful and youve just had enough now-i wouldnt have got involvedin a family argument either

@MadeleineMummy

But I wouldn't agree that she isn't racist. Anyone who speaks of your children by an Asian father as 'mongrels' and says no English man would want you is certainly racist by any standards. This is much more than being unthinking and ignorant.)

I absolutely agree with this poster. I've heard comments like this made towards my family and they are utterly disgusting. 🌹

I would just ignore the swearing. Leave it a few days and just txt your own sister ask her what is stressing her out? Does she want to speak?

@Onceuponaheartache Not in any way suggesting you are wrong to be NC from your sister. Sounds like it was a long time coming and the right thing. But if there was alcoholism and abuse in the family, then she was affected even when she was in your mother's womb and certainly at the pre-verbal attachment stage. She was born and raised into a family that was affected by it. She was undoubtedly affected by it too.

I’m peri menopausal. I’d have burst into tears and locked myself in the bathroom too.

when it comes over me I swing from rage to tears. Usually I’m the most laid back laugh it off person there is. But when the hormones hit at certain times of the month……look out

I completely agree with this. From your posts it seems like you did side more with bil. I think reaching out to bil would make matters worse.

She caused a massive scene with her own family, told you to fuck off, she sent a load of ranting texts and then blocked you.

Well, I wouldn’t be fighting to stay in touch with her, sister or not.