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Original poster

Sister has said she never wants to speak to me again

159 replies

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:14

I have just left my sister’s house, she lived around 50 miles away and it takes a while to get there.

She spent the whole evening being angry and shouting at her husband and her son about what I do not know. She just seemed very awkward. It was embarrassing as we have not seen each other for a few months and I had been invited over for an informal dinner and a catch up and I took the effort to drive quite a distance to her house, leaving my kids at home.

She just seemed angry all the time with everything. She and her son were having an argument at the dinner table and her husband took the son’s side as she was obviously in the wrong. She asked me why I did not support her in the argument and I said it was a family matter and I did not want to get involved. She then started crying and stormed off. She locked herself in her bedroom and asked us all to F off as she did not want to talk to us. We tried talking to her through the door but it became too much of a drama so I left her and her husband to it.

Her husband said he may think if it the time of life, but I never experienced this irrational anger and I am a few years older. My sister is usually not like this and I would like to think she would talk to me about what is happening in her life.

to cut a long story short, as soon as I got home, my sister sent me a series of long ranting texts saying that I never support her, that I have undermined her with her family and I have taken their side against her and then brought up tonnes of resentments from our childhood. Then she stated that as I never support her or have never backed her up, she is cutting me out of her life and never wants to see me again. I tried texting back but she has blocked me. I don’t know what I have done wrong, apart from being impartial.

what should I have done ?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 20/09/2023 14:03

Londisc · 20/09/2023 11:35

Who would your sister be saying you made bad decisions about your mother to that you know and care about and who would believe her?

Both of you sound like you are struggling and you are never, ever going to get any understanding, acknowledgement or support from the other. There is far too much deeply-felt resentment and pain on both sides stretching back decades. You refer to what your mother was saying to you about your sister... what do you think your mother was saying to your sister about you?

Your sister "caused my parents no end of trauma as she had a really bad reputation when she was younger" ugh. But you also say that your sister was liked by the family and you were the black sheep and your mother told you you thought you were better than them. Who made the obscene mongel comments to you? Your sister, your mother or both?

Everything you have written has all the hallmarks of a terribly toxic family system. The only thing you can do is work out which is the least stress (emotionally, practically etc.) for you - taking all the decisions for your mother alone or leaving it all to your sister.

I wish you well in the path to liberating yourself from this dysfunctional dynamic. It is difficult but doable.

Your sister "caused my parents no end of trauma as she had a really bad reputation when she was younger" ugh. But you also say that your sister was liked by the family and you were the black sheep and your mother told you you

My mother had a lot of problems with my sister but she still could relate to her more as she was the one who stayed at home. When I popped in from University from time to time and I said something (even innocuous like shall I make Gnocchi my Italian friend showed Me how to make?) she would say, “what is that? Some foreign muck? You have some strange new ideas now you have left home”.

Who made the obscene mongel comments to you?
My sister. But she was always joking about and it is her schtick to be edgy in her humour in an unfunny and personal way. She always tried. Even when I first took my first foreign boyfriend home (he was French) she said at the dinner table, “I have to tell you in case you haven’t noticed that your boyfriend is a foreigner” then went on about not having frogs to serve him and repeating the joke as nauseum. My mother always laughed at her jokes and could relate to her more as they had the same life experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 20/09/2023 15:24

MadeleineMummy · 20/09/2023 14:03

Your sister "caused my parents no end of trauma as she had a really bad reputation when she was younger" ugh. But you also say that your sister was liked by the family and you were the black sheep and your mother told you you

My mother had a lot of problems with my sister but she still could relate to her more as she was the one who stayed at home. When I popped in from University from time to time and I said something (even innocuous like shall I make Gnocchi my Italian friend showed Me how to make?) she would say, “what is that? Some foreign muck? You have some strange new ideas now you have left home”.

Who made the obscene mongel comments to you?
My sister. But she was always joking about and it is her schtick to be edgy in her humour in an unfunny and personal way. She always tried. Even when I first took my first foreign boyfriend home (he was French) she said at the dinner table, “I have to tell you in case you haven’t noticed that your boyfriend is a foreigner” then went on about not having frogs to serve him and repeating the joke as nauseum. My mother always laughed at her jokes and could relate to her more as they had the same life experiences.

Show quote history

Who would your sister be saying you made bad decisions about your mother to that you know and care about and who would believe her?

my sister would hold things against me if anything went wrong. I also have no one to consult and sometime doubt whether I am making the right decisions for my mother and want someone to share the burden.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 20/09/2023 15:33

WolfFoxHare · 20/09/2023 09:41

It feels like you're drip-feeding quite a bit here - first of all you say she's not usually like this, and you thought she'd talk to you about anything going on in her life. Then she's rude, racist and you've never been close, she wouldn't share things in her life and she's dramatic. Feels like you're changing the narrative because you're not getting unqualified approval.

It is not drip feeding but trying not to overshare. I also don’t want any of my extended family recognising the situation so kept things back.

i don’t need approval, just another viewpoint as I don’t want to share the nuances of my family with all the people in my personal and professional life.

my sister has always been the superficial, funny, irresponsible, lackadaisical, life and soul of the party, always throwing her sarcastic asides and hand grenades of ill thought out supposedly funny comments that upset people. But she has always been forgiven because people have treated her as the funny blond airhead who always puts her foot in it. I have been the butt of her ‘jokes’ too many times which is why I tried to isolate myself from her. It was circumstances that brought us together again.

OP posts:
Londisc · 20/09/2023 17:36

Are you able to share the nuances of your family with at least one or two people in your personal life? You've already been through a huge bereavement, are dealing with a parent who has lost capacity and now realising that your hope for a new sibling bond was misplaced . That's a lot of grief to process alone.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 20/09/2023 18:49

I went through a pretty easy menopause OP, but one night my BIL phoned me, which was totally out of the blue and simply never happened. He told me that my DS had got her knickers in a twist and was refusing point blank to go on holiday the next day. I asked if she would speak to me, and just talked to her gently, and eventually, I picked up that it was likely the menopause, I told her to relax as much as she could, get a good night's sleep and I would phone her in the morning, to see if she still wanted to cancel the holiday, which I knew she'd been looking forward to for ages. I told her that she sounded depressed, and that the way she was feeling was likely menopause, and suggested that if she didn't feel up to going away the next day, that she should see the doctor immediately, and if she did go, then she should go as soon as she got back. I called the next morning, and after a night's exhausted sleep, due to having been so overwrought, she decided that she would go as far as the airport, and see how she felt then. She got on the plane, had a great holiday, and then went to the doc when she got back. She was given HRT and hasn't looked back! So it sounds highly likely that the irrational behaviour from your DS, was very similar to that from my DS that night. In which case, she's obviously experiencing a far more difficult menopause than you did OP, and needs your support. Write her a letter by snail mail, tell her that you're sorry she feels she can't rely on you, but you are there for her, and wonder if perhaps she's feeling low because she's starting the menopause, and if that's the case, you think it would be a good idea to go and have a chat with her GP, and perhaps get HRT, but please don't let your poor DS struggle, when perhaps you can help her. After all, that's what family is all about.

ToWhitToWhoo · 20/09/2023 19:46

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:49

I have spent my life turning the other cheek to my sister. She has never been angry but she has said some very ignorant things. A year after I was widowed, she told me that no Englishman would touch me as I had married a foreigner (my husband was Asian) and I would bring along my mongrels to a new relationship.

she often compared my blond nephew to my Mediterranean skinned children and said she asked me whether I regretted not having blond children like her.

I understand this was said in ignorance not malice, but this is what I have had to put up with throughout my life.

a relationship is a two way street and it always seems one sided.

I can only make excuses or offer up the olive branch, even when I am in the right but thinking about her is making me think that she has always thought only of herself. At her hour of need I don’t know whether I should be the better person and once again extend the olive branch.

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THAT is truly disgusting!

Kimten · 20/09/2023 19:48

She sounds appalling.
And jealous of you.
I'd leave her to it and be glad to have offloaded her.
The trash took itself out.

Bertiesmum3 · 23/10/2023 19:31

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:11

I got all the drugs and treatment I could get my hands on.

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You’re very lucky then that you don’t have to suffer, my dr will not give me anything to help!

Everythinggreen · 25/02/2024 23:10

Let the dust settle and try and contact her again. Trust me, arguments and falling out just isn't worth it in the long run, no matter how angry you are at the time.
I had some big arguments with my sisters over the years, but thankfully they didn't last because I was there with them both when they died with very sudden deaths and I couldn't have coped losing them and there still being a cloud over us and no chance to rectify it. Sometimes you have to be the first one to reach out. Put your pride to one side, it's just not worth it.

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