Sister has said she never wants to speak to me again

[MadeleineMummy]

I have just left my sister’s house, she lived around 50 miles away and it takes a while to get there.

She spent the whole evening being angry and shouting at her husband and her son about what I do not know. She just seemed very awkward. It was embarrassing as we have not seen each other for a few months and I had been invited over for an informal dinner and a catch up and I took the effort to drive quite a distance to her house, leaving my kids at home.

She just seemed angry all the time with everything. She and her son were having an argument at the dinner table and her husband took the son’s side as she was obviously in the wrong. She asked me why I did not support her in the argument and I said it was a family matter and I did not want to get involved. She then started crying and stormed off. She locked herself in her bedroom and asked us all to F off as she did not want to talk to us. We tried talking to her through the door but it became too much of a drama so I left her and her husband to it.

Her husband said he may think if it the time of life, but I never experienced this irrational anger and I am a few years older. My sister is usually not like this and I would like to think she would talk to me about what is happening in her life.

to cut a long story short, as soon as I got home, my sister sent me a series of long ranting texts saying that I never support her, that I have undermined her with her family and I have taken their side against her and then brought up tonnes of resentments from our childhood. Then she stated that as I never support her or have never backed her up, she is cutting me out of her life and never wants to see me again. I tried texting back but she has blocked me. I don’t know what I have done wrong, apart from being impartial.

what should I have done ?

Sounds like some sort of mental health problem if it's not hormones... You could always send her a message/email just apologising to her if she thought you were taking sides and saying you'd like to help if you can. If she's still prickly then maybe just leave the offer on the table until she decides herself what she needs. Hopefully her partner will support her through whatever is going on but it must have been so awkward having been a witness to all of it so I really feel for you. It wasnt fair of your sister to drag you in to be in the middle of a row with her husband..x

She would indeed say that, wouldn't she? That's the hallmark of those making bullying, misogynistic or racist remarks: 'Oh, I was only joking!' implying that you're the one at fault for no seeing the joke. But what do YOU think? You seem to be making excuses for her, but surely you can see that by any standards she IS racist. I'm guessing at least 90% of posters on this thread would find it extremely offensive and racist to hear a remark about 'mongrel' children. 😕

It feels like you're drip-feeding quite a bit here - first of all you say she's not usually like this, and you thought she'd talk to you about anything going on in her life. Then she's rude, racist and you've never been close, she wouldn't share things in her life and she's dramatic. Feels like you're changing the narrative because you're not getting unqualified approval.

Ignore the professional contrarians @MadeleineMummy who are determined to stick the boot in. I imagine many behave more like your sister so of course they are invested in telling you you are a heartless, cold, superior monster who should be a doormat for your angry, rude, racist sister.

You already know there’s nothing you can do to have a better relationship with her & whether you’d taken her side, said nothing or defended your nephew you would have been wrong.

She doesn’t love or respect you, has been horrifically racist about your children & husband - she absolutely will have meant what she said - and just wants you about about so she can feel superior.

She adds nothing to your life.

This is a great opportunity to draw a line with her. She is someone you need to arrange your mums care with for now. When that’s no longer the case you have no obligation to make any more effort. She may be a blood relative but she adds nothing your life.

I know that’s easier said than done but you don’t owe this woman anything.

She might just need a kind ear and to be supported

I don't think your sister is full of self pity.
She genuinely feels low - disrespected, alone and unsupported. Her husband should always side with his wife over an ambiguous issue of parenting.

He could have sensed her dispair and said,
"Mum heard your question as being disrespectful. Make sure you speak gently to your mother who has made this lovely dinner."

I think there is more going on; you sister doesn't feel confident. Perhaps she wanted you to have dinner because she needed someone who appreciates her nearby.
Write to her.. and be ready to forgive the out of character outburst.
Encourage her to attend a female medical clinic to talk about her emotional changes.
Go to a spa and massage session together.
Connect one to one more often for a year or two - even a regular walk and coffee when you both have no other demands.

If you hadn’t seen her and didn’t know what the argument was about it would have been difficult to support her but in the same way could you not have asked? Also assuming everyone else was in the right seems strange if you didn’t know what it was all about? Plus you said it’s out of character. Forget about the journey, go visit her and communicate with each other. Your sisters!

I was single parent for 11 years but if my sister was struggling and i was aware of it, id listen. Without judgement. Or superiority

YANBU. Irrespective of whether you and your sister are close or not, and irrespective of whether she is struggling with something, she has treated you (and possibly her son and husband, though we don't know the background) very badly. There are ways of asking for help; this wasn't it.

This sounds like my mother. Tbh we still don't know what caused or does cause these outbursts where its her against the world and everyone else is sh*t on her shoe and out to get her. She was never interested in finding the root cause which made it hard for us to do so.

I've found the best way is to just steer clear, do not engage except on a factual, clinical level as she will not see things from anyone elses view than her own until whatever is clouding her has cleared up, wait for her to be back in her right mind, and she will likely reach out - or double down in her wrongness in which case you're really, truly, better off out of it.

How old is she? Could she be peri-menopausal?

Let the storm pass for a couple of days but keep in touch with BIL ( depending on what rapport you share with him).
I would say try and reach out to her after a week or so via BIL if she has still not unblocked you.
Give it a fair shot so that in your mind you know you did your best..these things have a tendency to come to us later in later and fill us with guilt.
More so as you say you don't have any other family...maybe for the sake of childhood you both shared.. deserves another chance.
And yes if she is menopausal...then reason is beyond us sometimes...I have suffered a lot hence can empathise.
But don't come to conclusions before giving it one last try
After all she did want to spend time with you that's why she invited you in the first place.

BFF did this to me a few years ago. Send awful, ranting messages about how she was cutting ‘toxic ’ people out of her life. Me being one.
Her MH is/ has always been poor. she falls out with everyone, incl family - Inwas one of the few exceptions, our friendship being 40 years old.

About a year after cutting me out of her life, she starts teaching out again. We are friends again, but the relationship will never be as it was. I’m still friends with her mainly because of our shared history, but am very wary of her doing this again now.

Tell her you love her and are there when she needs you. Leave it to her and see what happens.

You have not done anything wrong. This may be just her anger getting the best out of her and she will probably come back and apologise to you. Time heals everything and I wouldn't worry x

I have a sister like this. I have just accepted that she will never change.

When we have made up in the past, there was always this small ball of anxiety in my stomach, because I didn't know when she would erupt again.

My mum and others walk on eggshells around her but for my own mental health, I have fully detached from her.

Sad to say I rarely think of her now.

I’ve no idea about the sisters menopause, but it appears she has been a malicious, selfish racist her whole adult life.

I simply wouldn’t bother with her any more.

@MadeleineMummy , I think you've got it in one with this comment:

I am sick of feeling bad for not caring

Stop feeling bad. Let go of the guilt. It is not your fault. Your sister has brought it upon herself, pushing you further and further away with her behaviour. From your description, she sounds like a classic narcissist (a real one, I am aware that it's become a bit of a faddish word to use about just about anyone people don't like).

I have a similar sibling (in fact, your whole familiy history and even your wedding sound similar to mine), and I also struggle to actually care for them anymore. In the past, I have gone above and beyond what I would consider reasonable in someone else's case. When it started making me ill and affecting my own DC, I detached emotionally. Call it self-defense. Currently also being thrown together like you, and sibling seems to be a bit more reasonable, but I am past the time of making an effort. I think you are possibly at a similar point in life.

If you like, leave the door open to communication, but the ball is in her court.
Do keep in touch with nephew and DBIL though.

On the face of it, she is being very U. Obviously, I don't know if there's some backstory and this is just a 'last straw' incident; but otherwise she's way OTT. She may just be having a toddler tantrum of her own, and soon come back; otherwise, it's her loss.

Why are you talking to this woman who called your children mongrels? Take her at her word and don't speak to her again.

Who would your sister be saying you made bad decisions about your mother to that you know and care about and who would believe her?

Both of you sound like you are struggling and you are never, ever going to get any understanding, acknowledgement or support from the other. There is far too much deeply-felt resentment and pain on both sides stretching back decades. You refer to what your mother was saying to you about your sister... what do you think your mother was saying to your sister about you?

Your sister "caused my parents no end of trauma as she had a really bad reputation when she was younger" ugh. But you also say that your sister was liked by the family and you were the black sheep and your mother told you you thought you were better than them. Who made the obscene mongel comments to you? Your sister, your mother or both?

Everything you have written has all the hallmarks of a terribly toxic family system. The only thing you can do is work out which is the least stress (emotionally, practically etc.) for you - taking all the decisions for your mother alone or leaving it all to your sister.

I wish you well in the path to liberating yourself from this dysfunctional dynamic. It is difficult but doable.

You've stated clearly that this is out of character for her, so something is obviously very, very wrong. If this was my sister, I would be back over there in a heartbeat and wouldn't leave her side until she had screamed/talked/sobbed it out. And wouldn't leave again until I had some answers and a plan as to those close to her could help her through whatever this is.

You have pretty much described me during the menopause and if you escaped rather more lightly, then count your lucky stars. Waking up one morning and then spending the next XYZ wondering who the hell you've turned into is just horrendous, and it's not simply a case of 'snapping out of it'. Whatever the cause, be it menopause or something else, she does NOT need leaving alone to stew in her own rage, despite what is flying out of her mouth to the contrary. It sounds like her mood is born out of frustration that she is feeling wretched, and likely doesn't even know why, so it's manifesting itself as utterly irrational behaviour.

She needs arms around her and help. But given you say you 'didn't have the time or space for drama and self-pity', I suspect she's not going to get it from you. What a horrible thing to say to anyone who is very obviously shouting for help in the only way she knows how at the moment.

Exactly. Racism is not a symptom of menopause. It's also never a joke. I'm frankly puzzled as to why the OP is talking to this woman at all.

Thank you! And likewise.

I am good. Honestly my sister choosing to stay out of my life has been amazing. 4 years and counting and honestly my stress levels have improved, I no longer spend weeks worrying about having to see her or deal with her at family events because she just blanks me (Inc at a recent family funeral).

Like you she has never supported me. My best friend died last year and she never even sent a text.

I couldn't be happier.

I would ensure going forward you are as low contact as possible le.

Email only with regards to your mum, then you have traceability of her agreement, always set a time limit...I.e Dear Sister, this decision needs to be made re mum. I have looked into it and we have Option A and Option B. Option A seems to be the better option. Should you have a preference please let me know by x date otherwise I will go ahead hesd with Option A. regards, Madelinemummy

Thanks. I think this is what I will do.

I have spent my whole life just tiptoeing around my sister and my family. I think this has been the last straw. I have always felt I really wanted a relationship with my sister but it has always been on her own terms. We never really talked and it was only the occasional birthday and regular Christmas cards sort of relationship. It was shared responsibility for our mother that brought us together and I had hoped it would an opportunity for us to bond, but it was not to be.

I did not want to relate the whole story as this would have taken a lot of space and I wanted to avoid things that could identify me to anyone of our extended family, but the gist of the relationship is there.

My family all think I am odd as I had a formal education in a big city, travelled around the world and became cosmopolitan, rather than going to the local agricultural college. They resent it and I think I look down upon them but that has never been the case. I just think we are different and have different views on life. We will always be different but hoped that we could also celebrate our shared background, but I know that this will never happen.

it is hard to have sympathy when it is all one way. I know my sister is struggling but I cannot be there for her.

you are right, I think a ‘professional’ relationship is the best way to go.