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Original poster

Sister has said she never wants to speak to me again

159 replies

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:14

I have just left my sister’s house, she lived around 50 miles away and it takes a while to get there.

She spent the whole evening being angry and shouting at her husband and her son about what I do not know. She just seemed very awkward. It was embarrassing as we have not seen each other for a few months and I had been invited over for an informal dinner and a catch up and I took the effort to drive quite a distance to her house, leaving my kids at home.

She just seemed angry all the time with everything. She and her son were having an argument at the dinner table and her husband took the son’s side as she was obviously in the wrong. She asked me why I did not support her in the argument and I said it was a family matter and I did not want to get involved. She then started crying and stormed off. She locked herself in her bedroom and asked us all to F off as she did not want to talk to us. We tried talking to her through the door but it became too much of a drama so I left her and her husband to it.

Her husband said he may think if it the time of life, but I never experienced this irrational anger and I am a few years older. My sister is usually not like this and I would like to think she would talk to me about what is happening in her life.

to cut a long story short, as soon as I got home, my sister sent me a series of long ranting texts saying that I never support her, that I have undermined her with her family and I have taken their side against her and then brought up tonnes of resentments from our childhood. Then she stated that as I never support her or have never backed her up, she is cutting me out of her life and never wants to see me again. I tried texting back but she has blocked me. I don’t know what I have done wrong, apart from being impartial.

what should I have done ?

OP posts:
TherapistInATabard · 18/09/2023 23:58

I’m sorry, she called your children mongrels and you continued to see her? Block her right back and never look back. She sounds completely vile. I’m so sorry for the loss of your DH, that must have been unspeakably difficult.

junbean · 19/09/2023 00:03

Whatever it is, she’s going through something, but it has nothing to do with you. Tell her you’re there for whenever she’s ready to talk, then give her space to figure things out.

Rosesandstars · 19/09/2023 00:06

TherapistInATabard · 18/09/2023 23:58

I’m sorry, she called your children mongrels and you continued to see her? Block her right back and never look back. She sounds completely vile. I’m so sorry for the loss of your DH, that must have been unspeakably difficult.

I thought this! You should have been the one cutting off contact at that point.

Leave her to it or email her to ask if she's okay (she doesn't deserve it but if you're better than her then go ahead!).

Findingmypurposeinlife · 19/09/2023 00:06

Hmmm, you started off by saying it was out of character for her to be like this and you would like to think she could talk to you about what's happening in her life, and then you have slowly dropped in other things that paint a very different picture.
Its looks like there is much more to this than just one isolated incident (which it initially appeared to be)

So.....now she has blocked you, use it to your advantage and maybe both of you just get on with your own lives....job done ✔️

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 19/09/2023 00:11

Greensleeves · 18/09/2023 23:55

Reading your updates, it sounds like you know what the decent thing to do would be, you know your sister is struggling and needs support, but you simply don't have the level of attachment to her to be able to muster that kind of compassion and commitment for her. That's your prerogative, if the relationship isn't there, but you need to own it and be honest with yourself. If you're not going to be there for her, then you need to distance yourself completely and let those who do care enough about her do the supporting. You'll need to accept that this probably means you'll never be closer than you are, and make peace with it.

No judgement from me; I have a sister I haven't seen for years whose life is currently in the worst kind of crisis. I wish her well and hope somebody is giving her what she needs, but it isn't going to be me. I'm sure of my reasons for that and am at peace with the situation.

I think you hit the nail on the head.

I am sick of feeling bad for not caring.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 19/09/2023 00:17

Ineedasitdown · 18/09/2023 23:57

im going to go against the grain. It’s a real red flag to me when people start taking against a “tone of voice” with a child. It’s emotional abuse and designed to undermine that childs confidence. It really doesn’t sound from ops description that he was insolent.

In light of the previous comments op have you ever considered that your sister is something of a narcissist?

in answer to the question though -I’d leave her to stew. I’d be more concerned about nephews treatment.

She lives in her own world, mindfully ignorant of the vile things she come up with, either in Jest or through her own lack of awareness of a decent mode of behaviour.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 19/09/2023 00:22

Honestly, I’d be filing this under “Bullshit I thankfully no longer have to deal with”.

Stay I’m touch with your nephew and BIL and leave her to her drama.

CherryMaDeara · 19/09/2023 00:23

So she’s racist and also ableist.

She has done you a favour.

Block her back and forget her, she is vile trash.

advice1011 · 19/09/2023 00:27

She could be going through something, hard to judge from one evening. BIL could also be gaslighting the situation by blaming it on menopause. Maybe they're struggling or she's struggling. Why not suggest her coming to visit you for a day away from her husband and son. Maybe she needs time out and thought she would get that with you today but then didn't because all her stress was right infront of her.

Findingmypurposeinlife · 19/09/2023 00:30

TherapistInATabard · 18/09/2023 23:58

I’m sorry, she called your children mongrels and you continued to see her? Block her right back and never look back. She sounds completely vile. I’m so sorry for the loss of your DH, that must have been unspeakably difficult.

If OP had just said that at the start instead of 2 or so hours later, most posters/responders would have been outraged too!

Instead, OP went from sister with 'out of character' anger issues, to autism related insults directed at her, then to possible menopause related issues and finally, blatant racism from her sister. So, of course it's now obvious what she should do in this case. Just leave her (sister) be, block her back (if that's even possible if someone else did the blocking first) and/or just bloomin' delete her number and move on with her life, because clearly it's not a one off incident, as was originally insinuated.

Hint: OP it's much easier (and less draining) to just be absolutely clear from the beginning 🫣

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 19/09/2023 00:35

I know she's your sister, and blood is thicker than water, yadda, yadda, yadda....

But honestly, the more you say about her the less likeable she sounds. From the shockingly racist remarks about your DH and DC, to the lack of empathy to you being a widow so young (and many more things, reading between the lines), I genuinely can't see what she brings to your life? Apart from your BIL and DN perhaps, and if they're the only good thing to come from her then she probably recognises that you value them more than her (and quite rightly too, tbh!).

Maddy70 · 19/09/2023 00:38

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:54

I don’t know as she never really tells me her personal stuff unless there is a drama around it.

it is usually about her new car, her son doing well at public school, her son being captain of this and that, her husband’s bonus so they’ll go first rather than business class. Her work etc. she never asks about my kids apart from in passing.

Show quote history

You sound as though you are very lealous and resentful

Have you asked her personal stuff?

mdinbc · 19/09/2023 00:54

If I were you I would send her husband a message, saying that it was an unfortunate evening; that you sister's behaviour seemed out of character, and that you hope she will be ok. He's probably embarrassed about the situation.

Leave it at that, hopefully she will come around. Just because we are family, we don't need to be in each other's pockets all the time. It sounds like you have a rather occasional, surface relationship with her and would keep it that way.

Benchpress · 19/09/2023 01:24

Honestly I would cut her off based on calling your kids mongrels and that no man would want you cause your dead ex was Asian.

but I would stay in touch with your nephew because he may be getting equally horrible comments from her behind closed doors

DreamTheMoors · 19/09/2023 02:03

My older sister never yelled or anything. But she has a remarkable gift for holding grudges against imaginary slights.
I took her to lunches and dinners. I bought her groceries. I nursed her through a divorce when I was going through a painful divorce myself. I babysat for literal years.
And the only invitation I ever got? “Wanna come babysit?”
There just comes a day when you have to say enough.
You haven’t done anything wrong, @MadeleineMummy— don’t accept responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 19/09/2023 07:17

Maddy70 · 19/09/2023 00:38

You sound as though you are very lealous and resentful

Have you asked her personal stuff?

Show quote history

No she tells me about herself all the time. She never asks about me or my children.

I am not jealous, we just have different values in life.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 19/09/2023 07:19

Findingmypurposeinlife · 19/09/2023 00:30

If OP had just said that at the start instead of 2 or so hours later, most posters/responders would have been outraged too!

Instead, OP went from sister with 'out of character' anger issues, to autism related insults directed at her, then to possible menopause related issues and finally, blatant racism from her sister. So, of course it's now obvious what she should do in this case. Just leave her (sister) be, block her back (if that's even possible if someone else did the blocking first) and/or just bloomin' delete her number and move on with her life, because clearly it's not a one off incident, as was originally insinuated.

Hint: OP it's much easier (and less draining) to just be absolutely clear from the beginning 🫣

Show quote history

Sorry, I did not really want to drag my relationship into the matter but I was pertinent background.

OP posts:
Defiantjazz · 19/09/2023 07:23

Well if this is out of character for her then there’s obviously something wrong but it doesn’t sound like you care.

If she’s middle aged it could be peri/menopause. That can cause mood swings/angry outbursts.

Whichwhich · 19/09/2023 07:28

OP that was a bit of a drip feed!

With those updates, your sister sounds bloody awful.

No need to do anything, she's done you a favour by blocking you.

Goodornot · 19/09/2023 07:30

MadeleineMummy · 19/09/2023 00:17

She lives in her own world, mindfully ignorant of the vile things she come up with, either in Jest or through her own lack of awareness of a decent mode of behaviour.

Show quote history

Honestly OP my sister has always been the same. Ignore the posters telling you to tell DH to get her to a doctor. No bloody wonder the NHS is crippled if you call a doctor over a domestic row.

She sounds toxic. Unless someone has had a toxic family member they don't get it.

Just leave her to it and don't get involved in her drama.

DisquietintheRanks · 19/09/2023 07:31

Well you clearly dislike her and may even have good reason to do so, so what's the problem? Now you don't have to deal with her.

VeloVixen · 19/09/2023 07:37

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:17

my sister stated that I must have autism as I am not emotional and always seem aloof and uninvolved and lack any emotional intelligence. It is something that she has levelled towards me a few times.

I have always had to pull myself together as I have had no one but myself to rely on.

She is the one who seems to deliver the insults.

Show quote history

Well if she genuinely believes that she shouldn't be holding it against you and should realise you can't help it.

Not that I'm saying you are autistic, some people are just not as emotional. Or sometimes it's other people wanting more emotional support than is reasonable.

My adult dd tells me she thinks I'm autistic (i think she may be right). I'm not an emotional person and if dd is having a crisis of some sort I tend to respond in a practical fashion to try and support her. Which is what I would want. DD told me once that what she actually wanted was for me to show more empathy, but she said "I don't hold it against you as I know you do your best and you can't help it". Which at 22yo is quite mature of her. I make sure I regularly tell her I love her but if she needs me to do something she needs to spell it out to me.

I did read something by an autistic person the other day which said when they are in this type of situation they say to the crisis person "what do you want from me - sympathy or practical solutions/ideas". I may adopt this.

I would send your sister a card, telling her you love her, that you're sorry if your response wasn't what she wanted but you did what you thought best.

VeloVixen · 19/09/2023 07:38

Or after reading your later posts maybe send her a card telling her a few home truths about how she has been towards you!

user1473878824 · 19/09/2023 07:39

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:51

Unfortunately there is just the two of us and no one to intervene.

I am a single mother who has brought up all my children by myself and did not have the time or space for drama and self-pity.

Show quote history

Hmmm.

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 19/09/2023 07:55

Thanks I am always the one who extends the arm of friendship but I only do it as she is the only blood relative I have and we both need to take decisions about my mother in a care home (although I am the only one who does). I usually make the decisions and then justify them to her. She is not interested. She is too busy and only visits out mother once every few months.

I have a lot of history with her but feel ashamed of myself when I cut her off for her ignorant pronouncements. I think I was just here to get some validation for my thoughts.

I will keep the avenues of communication open, but will leave it to her to make the first move. Possibly when we are both in a box.

OP posts: