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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister has said she never wants to speak to me again

159 replies

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 22:14

I have just left my sister’s house, she lived around 50 miles away and it takes a while to get there.

She spent the whole evening being angry and shouting at her husband and her son about what I do not know. She just seemed very awkward. It was embarrassing as we have not seen each other for a few months and I had been invited over for an informal dinner and a catch up and I took the effort to drive quite a distance to her house, leaving my kids at home.

She just seemed angry all the time with everything. She and her son were having an argument at the dinner table and her husband took the son’s side as she was obviously in the wrong. She asked me why I did not support her in the argument and I said it was a family matter and I did not want to get involved. She then started crying and stormed off. She locked herself in her bedroom and asked us all to F off as she did not want to talk to us. We tried talking to her through the door but it became too much of a drama so I left her and her husband to it.

Her husband said he may think if it the time of life, but I never experienced this irrational anger and I am a few years older. My sister is usually not like this and I would like to think she would talk to me about what is happening in her life.

to cut a long story short, as soon as I got home, my sister sent me a series of long ranting texts saying that I never support her, that I have undermined her with her family and I have taken their side against her and then brought up tonnes of resentments from our childhood. Then she stated that as I never support her or have never backed her up, she is cutting me out of her life and never wants to see me again. I tried texting back but she has blocked me. I don’t know what I have done wrong, apart from being impartial.

what should I have done ?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:11

Kitkatcatflap · 18/09/2023 22:47

Sounds like me during the menopause.

I got all the drugs and treatment I could get my hands on.

OP posts:
radiantorange · 18/09/2023 23:14

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:02

It is true. We are not as close as I would have liked, but it is down to the fact that we are very different people and there is an age difference.

Show quote history

I have 2 sisters with an age gap between all of us. We're not that similar at all. We don't look alike, we're not into the same things and we have very different family lives. My oldest sister left school at 15 while I stayed on till I was 18. My youngest sister moved to a very remote area for years. Yet I love them and I'd be there for them in a heartbeat. Seems there's more to this OP.

MsRosley · 18/09/2023 23:14

I wouldn't be too quick to judge, OP. Who knows what is going on in her life behind closed doors.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 18/09/2023 23:15

This isn't about drama and self-pity, your sister is struggling and in pain. You have said this behaviour is out of character. You can be sorry she feels undermined and unsupported without saying you did something wrong - but please don't cut off all communication with her. Just let her know that you want to help if you can

Batalax · 18/09/2023 23:15

Not a lot you can do really except perhaps send a card/flowers saying that you are sorry she felt unsupported but you still feel it best to be impartial, but you love her loads.

Goodornot · 18/09/2023 23:15

Just leave it be. My sister is like this. She involves me in all of her relationship drama since I can remember.

Then in her marriage drama. No matter how many times I told her this is nothing to do with me, you should be discussing this with your husband or a therapist, she called me selfish nasty bitch who didn't care about her.

He eventually divorced her and then it was my fault I didn't help her sort her marriage out...again what had it to do with me.

Just leave her to rant.

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:17

anythinginapinch · 18/09/2023 22:44

You fell out with her because rightly or wrongly she's feeling alone and unsupported, isolated and unloved, unimportant. That you didn't actively support her was the tin lid. I'd reach out to her. She's probably in need of 121 time with someone who can listen to her rant without telling her she's wrong, etc.

my sister stated that I must have autism as I am not emotional and always seem aloof and uninvolved and lack any emotional intelligence. It is something that she has levelled towards me a few times.

I have always had to pull myself together as I have had no one but myself to rely on.

She is the one who seems to deliver the insults.

OP posts:
Goodornot · 18/09/2023 23:20

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:17

my sister stated that I must have autism as I am not emotional and always seem aloof and uninvolved and lack any emotional intelligence. It is something that she has levelled towards me a few times.

I have always had to pull myself together as I have had no one but myself to rely on.

She is the one who seems to deliver the insults.

Show quote history

Honestly just leave it be.

Don't dignifiy her with a response. I've been called a cold blooded bitch by my sister before and it's because I'm sick of her drama when she never asks how I am and admits she doesn't care.

I don't have anyone to look after me either and it's why I just get on with it and can be matter of fact.

NooNooHead1981 · 18/09/2023 23:21

MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:11

I got all the drugs and treatment I could get my hands on.

Show quote history

Not everyone can or wants to take HRT.

I agree with others, she sounds very distressed and possibly having a breakdown. She may not want to speak to you just now, but it would be good to keep your door open so that she is able to contact you for moral support later if she wants to.

No two women's experiences of menopause are the same, and if you went through yours relatively unscathed, then you're very fortunate.

I'd keep in touch with BIL and offer support for your sister if she does reach out. A nice little gift like some chocolate or flowers would be nice too.

FloatyBoaty · 18/09/2023 23:27

It sounds like your sister is going through something- menopause, mental health issues- who knows.

You sound totally disinterested though- and quite cruel actually. I’m a completely unsupported single mum too, and yes it’s very hard, but it didn’t mean I had an empathy bypass!

Why don’t you reach out to her and ask if she’s okay? She behaved badly, but unless there’s a massive drip feed coming, one way or another, it’s probably not “normal” and she’s probably not “okay”- and it wouldn’t hurt you to be sisterly about it, would it?

Bumcake · 18/09/2023 23:33

You sound as though you don’t like her much, I expect she got that feeling too.

Seems as though she’s struggling a bit and you’re not interested in why so maybe just leave it?

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 23:39

radiantorange · 18/09/2023 22:47

The fact you have asked 'what should I have done?' about your own sister says a lot…

Sisters are people

They can be as reasonable or unreasonable as the next person

JetBlackSteed · 18/09/2023 23:40

My take on your OP. She needed you and reached out. You took their side and she retreated behind closed doors.
Dont leave her dangling.

CarrotsAndCheese · 18/09/2023 23:43

NooNooHead1981 · 18/09/2023 23:21

Not everyone can or wants to take HRT.

I agree with others, she sounds very distressed and possibly having a breakdown. She may not want to speak to you just now, but it would be good to keep your door open so that she is able to contact you for moral support later if she wants to.

No two women's experiences of menopause are the same, and if you went through yours relatively unscathed, then you're very fortunate.

I'd keep in touch with BIL and offer support for your sister if she does reach out. A nice little gift like some chocolate or flowers would be nice too.

Show quote history

@MadeleineMummy And it can take years to find the right combination of HRT drugs and dose. As another poster said, you were very lucky to have sailed through the menopause so easily. Many women really struggle and your sister may well be one of them, regardless of your own experience of menopause.

Wetblanket78 · 18/09/2023 23:43

Is she going through the menopause?

cbuew9 · 18/09/2023 23:43

anythinginapinch · 18/09/2023 22:44

You fell out with her because rightly or wrongly she's feeling alone and unsupported, isolated and unloved, unimportant. That you didn't actively support her was the tin lid. I'd reach out to her. She's probably in need of 121 time with someone who can listen to her rant without telling her she's wrong, etc.

Couldn't have put it better...

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:49

Bumcake · 18/09/2023 23:33

You sound as though you don’t like her much, I expect she got that feeling too.

Seems as though she’s struggling a bit and you’re not interested in why so maybe just leave it?

I have spent my life turning the other cheek to my sister. She has never been angry but she has said some very ignorant things. A year after I was widowed, she told me that no Englishman would touch me as I had married a foreigner (my husband was Asian) and I would bring along my mongrels to a new relationship.

she often compared my blond nephew to my Mediterranean skinned children and said she asked me whether I regretted not having blond children like her.

I understand this was said in ignorance not malice, but this is what I have had to put up with throughout my life.

a relationship is a two way street and it always seems one sided.

I can only make excuses or offer up the olive branch, even when I am in the right but thinking about her is making me think that she has always thought only of herself. At her hour of need I don’t know whether I should be the better person and once again extend the olive branch.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 18/09/2023 23:52

Don't reply today shes angry . Something has happened between her husband and her before you got there. She's feeling vulnerable and you were in the firing line

Let her calm down and check she's OK. You say this is out of character so trust that something has happened

saraclara · 18/09/2023 23:53

cbuew9 · 18/09/2023 23:43

Couldn't have put it better...

Show quote history

How exactly was OP supposed to support her during that incident? The last thing that anyone should do is insert themselves into the situation that OP described in her first post. A parenting argument between a couple with the teenaged son present? For starters OP didn't know what lay behind the disagreement, and with her sister ranting and hyper emotional, it would have ended badly, whatever she'd said.

She can't get in touch with her sister and offer support because she's blocked her, and said she never wants anything to do with her again.

OP, all you can do is get in touch with BIL if you're able to see how things are and maybe persuade him to get her to the doctor. To be honest I'd be worried about the son as well.

lanthanum · 18/09/2023 23:54

I'm guessing that their family dynamics are very poor at the moment, getting her down, and she'd invited you over partly because she assumed you would "take her side" and support her in any disagreement. Then son was actually being reasonable (perhaps because there was a guest), so she was disappointed because there wasn't going to be a chance for her to have the usual arguments with you there to support, so she made a mountain out of a molehill.

If she's blocking you, there's probably not a lot you can do for now.

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 18/09/2023 23:54

Wetblanket78 · 18/09/2023 23:43

Is she going through the menopause?

I don’t know as she never really tells me her personal stuff unless there is a drama around it.

it is usually about her new car, her son doing well at public school, her son being captain of this and that, her husband’s bonus so they’ll go first rather than business class. Her work etc. she never asks about my kids apart from in passing.

OP posts:
Jofromthebakery · 18/09/2023 23:55

She sounds like she's the complete opposite to you and sees the world through different glasses. She also seems deeply troubled. Stay calm and detach yourself as you don't need insults but offer her help and a listening ear if she needs someone to chat to.

Greensleeves · 18/09/2023 23:55

Reading your updates, it sounds like you know what the decent thing to do would be, you know your sister is struggling and needs support, but you simply don't have the level of attachment to her to be able to muster that kind of compassion and commitment for her. That's your prerogative, if the relationship isn't there, but you need to own it and be honest with yourself. If you're not going to be there for her, then you need to distance yourself completely and let those who do care enough about her do the supporting. You'll need to accept that this probably means you'll never be closer than you are, and make peace with it.

No judgement from me; I have a sister I haven't seen for years whose life is currently in the worst kind of crisis. I wish her well and hope somebody is giving her what she needs, but it isn't going to be me. I'm sure of my reasons for that and am at peace with the situation.

MrsDrDear · 18/09/2023 23:57

She called your kids mongrels? That would be it for me I'm afraid.

Ineedasitdown · 18/09/2023 23:57

im going to go against the grain. It’s a real red flag to me when people start taking against a “tone of voice” with a child. It’s emotional abuse and designed to undermine that childs confidence. It really doesn’t sound from ops description that he was insolent.

In light of the previous comments op have you ever considered that your sister is something of a narcissist?

in answer to the question though -I’d leave her to stew. I’d be more concerned about nephews treatment.