Sister has said she never wants to speak to me again

[MadeleineMummy]

I have just left my sister’s house, she lived around 50 miles away and it takes a while to get there.

She spent the whole evening being angry and shouting at her husband and her son about what I do not know. She just seemed very awkward. It was embarrassing as we have not seen each other for a few months and I had been invited over for an informal dinner and a catch up and I took the effort to drive quite a distance to her house, leaving my kids at home.

She just seemed angry all the time with everything. She and her son were having an argument at the dinner table and her husband took the son’s side as she was obviously in the wrong. She asked me why I did not support her in the argument and I said it was a family matter and I did not want to get involved. She then started crying and stormed off. She locked herself in her bedroom and asked us all to F off as she did not want to talk to us. We tried talking to her through the door but it became too much of a drama so I left her and her husband to it.

Her husband said he may think if it the time of life, but I never experienced this irrational anger and I am a few years older. My sister is usually not like this and I would like to think she would talk to me about what is happening in her life.

to cut a long story short, as soon as I got home, my sister sent me a series of long ranting texts saying that I never support her, that I have undermined her with her family and I have taken their side against her and then brought up tonnes of resentments from our childhood. Then she stated that as I never support her or have never backed her up, she is cutting me out of her life and never wants to see me again. I tried texting back but she has blocked me. I don’t know what I have done wrong, apart from being impartial.

what should I have done ?

Possibly, but he was sober by the time she was 2 and has been sober for over 40 years so any impact was miniscule in relation to me having lived through it til I was 6.

You are right it was a huge long time coming and there is a fsr bigger back story but I don't want to hijack the post. I was merely offering support and empathy to the op by sharing that there are ithers of us who also have narcissistic siblings.

I totally understand. My sister may also have her own views and this is really one sided and based on my reality.

My sister was always liked by the family whereas I was the black sheep who strayed away from home and made a life for myself and did not look back and then went and married a foreigner. I think my mother even said you have gone to London and think you are better than us with your new ideas. This was never the case. I just thought differently from my family. I think I cut myself off by my marriage choice and therefore has no one to turn to in my hour of need. My sister always had a network and family around her. She has never supported me or asked me for support.

We have been thrown together recently as we had to make health and social care choice for my mother who no longer has the capacity to make these choices herself. It is not so that I want to be her friend. I just don’t want her to turn around in the future and say I made bad decisions for our mother. In actual fact it seems to be just me who makes choices. I don’t know whether I should bother.

I don’t envy you @Onceuponaheartache you seem to have had just as hard a time as me.

I have always thought that water was thicker than blood.

Sorry things were hard for you.

really look after yourself. I wish I could give you a hug.

My sister would say that she was making a joke about mixed race children rather than being malicious.

Wow after the self pity comment I'm done she's right to block you when you are so judgemental and cold .I went through peri menopause and suffered terrible depression anxiety and almost ended it it's more common than you thinks luckily hrt and a good supportive husband and daughter got Me through my darkest hour. Due to your cold distance empathy lacking attitude your better off out of her life

Hi there,

I think her husband could be right . As you say its out of character and her husband actually said that he thinks this is the reason behind it.

The menopause can be so awful for some I know this from personal experience my mum and 3 of her sisters all suffered with serious mental health issues whilst going through it. Thankfully there is light at the end of the tunnel. Although it can take a while (years ) to settle. For now I would reply to her making sure she knows you are and will always be there for her and when she is ready to speak to you she can. I think the reassurance will help.

Even before this outburst she sounded thoroughly unpleasant, take her cutting contact as an expected gift. You haven’t been ‘turning the other cheek’ you’ve been accepting the unfiltered bile of a unpleasant woman and now you don’t have to.

It sounds like your sister is going through a tough time, it could be menopause. Once you calm down please try and see this from your sister's point of view - whatever is going on, isn't a little thing and she's clearly struggling. I imagine it's quite scary for her and her family.

God the flip flopping on here makes it impossible to offer any advice or even empathy.

What did I do wrong? How can I fix it?
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I can’t be bothered with her self pity!
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I have always made such an effort with our relationship
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She’s made horrifying, racist comments about my children
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She’s not racist, she just unthinking.

OP, perhaps you might take some time to really gather your thoughts on whether you want to help her or you are glad to be out of her life. We can’t give advice until you have made that decision.

Just do nothing. She is obviously in a very unhappy place and you have got caught in the crossfire.

I disowned my sister because she always pulled me down, when kids she would threaten and beat me up etc. When older she humiliated me in front of others. We are in touch now, she ended up being sectioned so that could have been why she constantly attacked me. A bit different to your situation. You should reach out just incase she is struggling with things you do not know, also you dont know if her husband and DS are on at her all the time, closing ranks.

I went through this with my sister , except I was the other sister . I can only say she is probably going through something right now . She is probably under alot of stress and is probably sat at home upset with herself . The one thing I would suggest is to keep reaching out for as long as it takes , I understand you were treated badly and that's not fair on you but these relationships once you call it a day you will find it harder to reconnect as you will build walls to protect yourself and she will do the same. If you can not find legitimate reasons to call it a day I.E she always behaves like this , then I can assume something is happening within her life that she is struggling with . Email , write a letter and keep calling , go to her house and attempt to put this right if you can , this is by no means your fault but she may not be as strong as you and her outburst may actually be a cry for some help .I hope you manage to come together and be ok .

I don't think there's anything else you could have done. This is obviously nothing to do with you. My sister seems to be going through a similar crisis and has recently sent me emails calling me names and clearly designed to hurt me. She too is always angry and defensive. Nothing I say or do is right. She also seems to be fixating on our childhood, many years ago now, and about things that I have no memory of.

I'd give it time. It's distressing and you have my sympathy. I hope there's come a time when you can both laugh about this blip.

Perhaps you ned to get BIL to get your sister some help from the GP? I don't think you could have 'done anything' in the moment if that behaviour is not normal for her (as you say).

You can't just leave it and let her struggle like this though

Id just leave it to be honest. You sound more like acquaintances than family. She has her husband and her blond son so its not like shes alone. You can choose your friends but not your family.

She needs HRT.

Let her stew, but don't stop seeing your nephew or BIL.

Agree with@GrinAndVomit - OP you have given so many conflicting descriptions about yourself and your sister, it's difficult to know which version is reality and which version you've curated for your post. There are lots of different versions of you in your comments. If you just want justification for any of your actions from random people on the internet, then there are lots of replies on here giving you that in response to some of your comments. Doesn't mean you or they are 'right', they just see things the way you've put them in that post and you've got the response you were hoping for. If you actually want to help your sister or have a better relationship with her, then take on board the more critical comments without coming up with more reasons why you're right and your sister is wrong. I hope you find a way through this.

Calling a mixed race person (which I happen to be myself) a ‘mongrel’ is absolutely racist. What part of it is a joke? Who’s laughing?

I don’t know why you’d want any sort of relationship with her whatsoever.

To those posters who reckon OP should’ve laid out everything that she has later said in her first post, can’t you appreciate that she initially posted about the recent event, but as the conversation here has developed and she has thought further about things, other memories resurface?

It doesn’t at all read to me as though OP has purposely kept information back to ‘drip feed’ in later.

This is quite a mean thing for you to say. Your sister is obviously struggling mentally and it sounds like you have no sympathy because you think your life has been harder and you managed ok (do you have some kind of resentment towards her for that?). And you mentioned in your OP that you hadn’t experienced menopause symptoms so her behaviour can’t be due to that? It doesn’t sound like your sister is indulging in drama or self-pity but that she is maybe not doing so well mentally. If you don’t care then it’s better for her that she did cut you off, tbh. If it was my sister I’d be very concerned and trying to find out what’s going on with her and how I could help.

She sounds like my Mum. I would just leave it. If she wants to see you she will
make contact. These type of personalities will never see anything wrong with their behaviour, they are always the victim. Just take a step back

To be honest, this sounds like far more than the menopause. It sounds as if she is having a nervous breakdown. Something that you are completely unaware of may well be triggering this. I agree with you not interfering between husband and wife but you sound very unsympathetic to me. I think you should get in touch with her, saying that you are very concerned about her (if you are) and that you want to be supportive and how would she like you to do this. I would also explain that you didn't want to make matters worse when you were at her house, which is why you stayed quiet at the time.

I don’t agree with this. It’s clear that the OPs sister feels she can always ‘speak her mind’ and cause drama. Personally I find that behaviour really draining and I just can’t indulge it on an ongoing basis. It’s the sister who need to get some help to work out her issues. There is simply not enough time and attention in the world for her - the OP just won’t be able to meet her unquenchable need for attention

Is she having counselling or something. Bringing up the past etc makes it sound as though she has been going through some sort of process.

Your post sounds sincere but I am afraid I don’t have any advice. It is unfair that she treated you like that - quite abusive, really. You’re the one who should be going NC.