18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

[missmatch23]

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

He makes me feel like I'm being completely unfair and over the top, whenever I ask anything of him.

He's made me feel so crap for this.

Right OP, that's the first thing you need to address. You are not being unfair or OTT. In fact you're being under the top only asking him for £20 a week. He can't make you feel guilty, crap or that you're being unfair or OTT. You're doing that to yourself. So stop it, right now this very minute as you're reading this. 99% of posters here, including me, are telling you that he's being an arse. Believe us and don't doubt yourself.

When you believe in yourself you'll deal with him far better. If you're questioning and tentative you're an open door for him to push against. Don't ask him to do things. Tell him. Firmly. And tell him if he doesn't contribute to this household he'll be going and finding one of his own.

And fwiw I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to make up the money grandparents are holding over him. I understand that your childhood was difficult because of who and how your parents are and that you don't want to repeat it. But OK they've said they will and now they won't. Isn't that what he's doing when he does the nodding dog impression but nothing changes?

can he go and live with your parents? might be wakeup call he needs. btw your secription of him sounds like drugs involved

Again, thanks everyone. I'm overwhelmed by the support here. I approached the subject again last night; he began stating he's worried about not being able to buy presents for Christmas if he's paying keep. Primarily for his friends. My response was, "well you got me a £10 teapot off Amazon for Christmas last year, that you gave to me in February. This year keep that £10 towards your keep." Went down like a rocket. I then told him if he feels he can't afford things, again he needs to look for a job with more hours. He's been working over a year now, never had time off and keeps to timing. It's not like he'll struggle for a reference!

@Itsagreatdaytosavelives definitely no drugs involved. He's a literature fanatic, most of his money goes on fast food, or in Waterstones on classic literature.

Thank you again for your support and kind words.

£80 doesn't even cover his food for a month. Where would you draw the line? He's expecting her to fund his travelling and nights out. Of course it's his bloody fault and he should pay, he's an adult capable of a full time job. Even on part time hours he probably has more funds available than his poor mum who is paying for everything for him. He'll be asking her to wipe his arse next.

Oh OP you really must tell him straight - he pays and does his share of chores, or he moves out.

Give him a day to think about it, and if it's stay it starts NOW, if leave he goes within 28 days.

Be firm.

I have had every kind of respectful conversation with him that anyone can mention, as I've said over and over again. I've looked for new jobs for him, sent him extra courses he'd find interesting to keep him ticking until he goes to uni. I've tried to get him to sit and make a travelling plan, as well as encouraging him to save. He has taken nothing onboard. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of tolerating his behaviour, palming it off as a teen attitude

If you have already sat down and discussed travel plans, have these been about specific locations and costs and if he can work in these countries. If not then you need to again with actual specific costings and an actual added end date that he either has solid plans to go or he needs to make alternative arrangements of where he will live at that date.

I would be worried that the people who he classifies as friends who he is going out with will sway him to keep the status quo and not bother going to uni next year

I think he needs to realise that they have their own agenda and their own plans.

Trying to get my mind round buying a Christmas present for each friend

I lived independently at his age in my own flat and worked full time. I didn’t travel overseas until I was about 24 and could pay for it myself. I put myself through an undergraduate degree and masters.

My parents treated my younger sibling totally different, didn’t have to pay any rent/keep. They still live at home now in their 30’s. You aren’t doing your son any favours by spoiling him.

Pull the the band aid off and set down some rules. He doesn’t appreciate you or your home, he will once he rents privately 🤣🤣🤣

I think it’s fine for adult children to live at home if the muck in on chores and pay their way. (ie bills and consumables)

I was paying my parents more than double that 15 years ago when I was 18. Voluntarily. Because self respect and also respect for my parents. They didn't need the money.
I hope you manage to get through to him. Allowing him to dawdle his and your life away like this is not going to lead anywhere good for either of you 💐

I think that you might not realise that although you think you sheltered him from your health issues, if he is close to you then he will have picked up on something
The issue with not telling those close to you the truth creates a barrier
He could be feeling that you aren’t as close as he thought you were

My mother had her own mental health issues and I know I am probably projecting but given you keep saying how hard you work, has your ds ever said to you that you should apply for a different job that is less stress or less hours or more money and you haven’t applied or even looked at an alternative. Has he ever suggested a passive income like renting out your driveway/garage/loft etc to get that extra bit of money in.
It is hard watching someone struggle when you see things clearly but they don’t want to help themselves.

I know my own mother’s breakdowns were primarily about money. She had this attitude that everything had to be hard work otherwise it didn’t count.
We lived in a house that had a separate ready made flat she could have easily rented out without any real downsides or invasion of privacy. It had its own entrance, own driveway and separate garden section and own staircase. But she refused to as that was too easy and she called me lazy for thinking you could do just that. That income would have made all the difference but because it wasn’t physical work it was dismissed

I understand that people have opinions on how I handle my mental health with him, he has a right to know and he was aware. He was not interested however, nor was he empathetic. I think people really need to understand that it wasn't that he was impacted, he was inconvenienced. That's the fact of it. He knew what he needed to and did not care. I hate to say that, but that's the truth of it. I didn't sleep for two days at one point. When I did eventually sleep, he woke me up asking what he was having for tea. Please stop thinking this situation has been difficult for him.

He needs to get a full time job and start contributing. There are no excuses for him to be wasting time. If he says no then no university as your money will have been spent.

Oh get a grip. It's perfectly reasonable for young adults to contribute financially to the household, especially when that household is struggling financially.

It does them no favours to have everything handed to them on a plate for free, even if you can afford it.

This 👆

I suggest you work out what he would pay at commercial rate, I.e. rent, electric, gas, council tax, etc. Then suggest to him that £20 per week is a drop in the ocean. He can choose, pay the £20pw or leave and pay the market rate.

He needs to grow up in afraid.

Is there any chance that he's ND OP?

My ND DD can be very much like this. Spending a day in bed and procrastinating can be a sign of inattentive ADHD as can the seemingly lack of empathy.

And I think it is awful that an adult living in a house where people are working to run the house and provide food doesn't think they should contribute

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto no he's not. I work with young adults who are ND etc, I have worked in this line of work for over 11 years.

He is currently going through what I hope is a passing selfish phase, of which there is no excuse. He is often horrible with his DB, who is 9. We often get spoken to like something he's trodden in.

He doesn't behave like this around his peers, however. I do think sometimes he hasn't the confidence or the presence to be masculine with his friends. He's quite a feminine gay young man (came out to me when he was 11), and so I feel he exerts this behaviour at home, in order to have a sense of dominance.

My parents were very much the type to sit back and watch me struggle, unfortunately I do feel this has partially rubbed off, despite how awfully he's witnessed them behaving. He too seems to have adapted the attitude of I am here to take from, not help.

I've come home today and he's still in bed. Washing left in the washer. Bathroom a mess. He has this air of entitlement about him, and seems to think my job is endless and he shouldn't have to do anything. The past 8 months have gotten progressively worse, no matter how many times he is told. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to ask him to stay in his grandparents for a week. See if we can reach an agreement after we've both had some space.

I'm so sorry. Did you specifically ask him to hang up the washing? Nothing gets done her unless very specific instructions are left.

Have you don't what others have suggested and changed the password on the Wi-Fi and stopped any subscriptions that you pay for?

I think you should tell him to move out, asap and then you will find that your mental health will dramatically improve. He’s an adult, you need to think of your 9 year old and yourself. You can’t function properly with this going on and really you should be putting your younger child before him, which must be really hard with depression. Give him until the end of the month to rent a room as a lodger, he will soon see how hard it is especially when he sees a landlord won’t put up with that shit! Tough love is needed, good luck!

Its life skills and financial management.
You’re not being unreasonable to ask they live there too. Both my ds 20 & 23 still living at home they are expected to contribute in all ways to where they live. They did have a whine and moan however we sat and talked it over, we suggested 3 options,a small contribution and help around the house, 1/5 of all bills ( there are 5 of us who live here) or move out, They contributed both financially and they help with household “chores”
They know they have the skills to live independently they are able to care for themselves and others if needed.

So just had similar issue with my 18yo. He’s doing an apprenticeship though so working & earning more. I wanted £100 per month. Totally reasonable. He was most put out but eventually said yeah yeah, but never sorted anything out - this went on for months. I showed him shared houses in our area that with food would cost approx £1000 per month minimum. Maybe do that? What nailed it was my genius idea of telling him that rent would go up £25 per month & be back dated a month for every week he failed to set the standing order up. Funnily enough he sorted it the day after I told him this! Good luck. 💪

He also buys the household a takeaway once a month as part of his rent.

me and my husband had this conversation recently. We have said when they are full time employment they can pay house keeping. Our 18 year old has just gone to uni. He hasn’t got a job but is looking for one. We are footing the bill for him to stay away from home until he can get a job, but it won’t be forever. I wouldn’t however accept him staying in bed all day if he wasn’t at uni and was still at home. I would expect him to either get a full time job or make firm plans to go travelling if that’s what your son wants to do but foot the cost of this himself. If neither of the above was happening then we would be having firm chats about how life works and free loading off us and doing nothing is not an option.

You're not unreasonable at all.

Ask him to move out and stay with friends, he will soon see how hard it is in the real world and how much you do for him.

Sounds harsh but stop doing all his stuff. Wash your dishes or lock the cabinets. Stop washing his clothes, turn the boiler off when he wants a shower. Seems petty but for £20 a week he can learn what it gets him. Find out how much a one bedroom is to rent. The price of his electric and gas uses, his food costs ect. Black and white in what it could cost and what you're asking. If he's not happy - he can pay the other amount elsewhere. Our job is to raise them and watch them stand on their own feet (within reason). Mine are always welcome back if something goes wrong but I want to see them try and I'll be here if they need a bounce back.

You're in the right and kids now a day have no respect or drive

Is his dad around? Could you get him to stay with his dad as a way of showing him life without you and then maybe appreciating you more?