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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 y/o son disputes having to pay keep

286 replies

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 15:09

I posted recently about my 18 y/o DS behaviour. The time has come where I have asked him to pay keep, simply as the winter months are coming and he has been asked to contribute £20 p/w towards gas or electric. To say he is besides himself at this prospect, is an understatement!

I'm a single mum of two. Both DC are here full time, I have No maintenance payments and work full time. I am just returning to work after being off with quite severe depression. DS is currently on a gap year, stays in bed most days till midday, and won't work more than 16 hours a week. I have told him he should be looking for more hours in work, or get a new job, as opposed to spending this so called gap year in bed or hanging around coffee shops and nights out. He wants to go travelling but seems to be expecting me to foot the bill for most of this, as well as live at home rent free and chore free.

Yesterday, I informed him he would need to start contributing and was met with a face like a smacked arse! He yet again mumbles something and flounced out of the room. His attitude is that I should have been doing absolutely everything at home for the three months I was off work with server anxiety and depression, that I just couldn't battle anymore. I have been highly medicated and have no support network, so the past few months have been rather difficult. During this time he has basically refused and refrained from doing anything at all at home, because it seems I should do it all seems how I've been off work. In honesty, I have been hurt by this.

AIBU for expecting a young man to contribute £80 a month towards our home during winter months, and expect him to work more to put towards his goal of travelling, as opposed to me paying for everything. I know he's my son and will need money for university when he goes next year, but I feel if he's going to squander his money, and refuse to work more as he should be, he should at least have the decency to help out a little at home.

OP posts:
Lampzade · 18/09/2023 18:12

My cousin is nearly fifty , married with two kids and still leeches off my aunt …
Parents need to stop spoiling their dcs

conunddrum · 18/09/2023 18:12

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

What's wrong with asking an adult to cover some of the costs which they incur? If the mother was 80, retired and living on pension credits, should she still pay all the bills and food for her 50 year old chief executive son?

Crumpleton · 18/09/2023 18:14

Also.
Is your DS definitely going to uni next year, has he chosen his subject's?
What's to say he has no intention of going or changes his mind by then.

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/09/2023 18:14

Tell him he can contribute financially and physically to the house hold, or he can fuck off out of it.

Show him how much a lodger would be paying for his room, and how much they'd likely be paying per week for their own food (so how much you'd be saving on food as well!)...

Ask him WHY he thinks you shouldn't kick him out and get a lodger instead?

Viviennemary · 18/09/2023 18:16

I don't suppose he earns very much but the point is if you don't earn enough to support him he will just have to contribute and you are not asking for a big amount. Sit him down tell him what your bills are. He should realise yanbu.

FionaJT · 18/09/2023 18:23

My daughter's at the same stage (and also is very bolshie about helping at home at all) and I'm a single parent. When she was thinking about a gap year I explained that I would be losing child benefit, but also single person council tax reduction if she stayed here and wasn't in education, so would immediately be worse off just by her being here and would expect her to cover some of that once she got a job. She's taken that on board in principle (but is yet to receive first wages so I haven't tested it in practice!)

Tilllly · 18/09/2023 18:27

I think you're being very reasonable and he needs to grow up

Orange67 · 18/09/2023 18:33

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

You think teaching your adult child they have to contribute £20 keep a week is awful? Christ.

15PiecesOfFlair · 18/09/2023 18:35

I'm shooting in the dark a bit here, but any chance he's got into Men's Rights Activist crap online or while gaming? He seems to suddenly see you as owing him your service. If this has come out of nowhere I'd be a bit wary of this as a possibility?

My nephew who I mentioned before got really into conspiracy theory stuff just from Facebook and YouTube.

MsRosley · 18/09/2023 18:42

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

What a horribly insensitive and privileged remark. Many people can't afford for their adult children to just sponge off them forever.

StripeyDeckchair · 18/09/2023 18:43

£20 is too little - I bet he eats at least double that a week.

I hope he is paying for his own phone, any travel costs & all is social life.

He needs to pay up or move out by the end of next week.

wesleycheese · 18/09/2023 18:52

I know of a single person living alone and paying about £60 a month for gas and electric

StarlightLady · 18/09/2023 19:03

When I was living at home, and working, I used to pay my parents one week's pay in four for my keep. They kindly and surprisingly gave me a quarter of my total payments back when I finally moved out, that was a kind gesture, but i never expected to live for nothing.

Kdubs1981 · 18/09/2023 19:10

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Charging board when a child leaves home and is as old as the hills. It's very common, especially in households where money is tight. He's an adult now. If he earning money doing a job, why shouldn't he pay board?

PinkChampange · 18/09/2023 19:21

£80 a month???? At 18 I was working fully time and paying £80 a week! He has it far to easy!

TheABC · 18/09/2023 19:28

You are being too nice.
Set out that list of chores, tell him you are charging a (small) percentage of the bills and if you don't see an improvement he can move out. Post the going rate for lodger rooms in your area.
Be serious about it.
He is going to have a shock next year at university.

sadaboutmycat · 18/09/2023 19:34

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Good grief!
Adults pay their way. That is good parenting.
Letting them think life is a free ride at 18+ is not good parenting.
OP you are perfectly correct.

AprQ · 18/09/2023 20:13

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

The OP is asking her son for 80 quid. Are you really saying that you think it’s awful for the OP to charge £80 towards her son? I’d genuinely love to hear your answer on this

trainboundfornowhere · 18/09/2023 20:13

My parents didn’t need to charge me but they still did. He is an adult now and needs to start getting used to the idea that adults have responsibilities and outgoings and that not every penny you earn is your own to spend as you choose.

There is also no reason why he can’t help out a bit around the house. He can put easily put the bin out, hoover, sweep, dust, do the dishes and do his own washing and ironing. Leave the clothes in his room and if he runs out of clean clothes or goes out without them ironed then that is up to him now.

CinnamonSodaPop · 18/09/2023 20:30

When I was 23 I moved home and my mam charged me rent (minimal!). I was livid about it and so begrudging! But now that I'm much older, I know it was the right thing for her to do. And I did pay it. So even if he isn't happy, you are not unreasonable and it is the right thing.

SemperIdem · 18/09/2023 20:34

He is an entitled, selfish and lazy young man.

He either contributes, or he moves out.

drinkuptheezider · 18/09/2023 20:43

In 1985, my boyfriend earned £45 a week, and his mother took £40 for keep. I earned just under £90 and my mother took £30.
I would say pay up or door is at the front of the house.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/09/2023 21:13

TheBarbieEffect · 18/09/2023 15:14

I think it’s awful of any parent to charge their child for living at home regardless of age, and being a single mother doesn’t change that.

I do think he should be helping out around the house though, as he should have always been doing, so it shouldn’t be something you’re asking him to do this late in the game.

Agree with this. The circumstances aren't his fault.

conunddrum · 18/09/2023 21:27

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/09/2023 21:13

Agree with this. The circumstances aren't his fault.

Show quote history

So I just want to check - I mean I disagree with you completely but are you saying that for the rest of her life the mother should support the son if he's at home? Even if she's on the breadline and he's a millionaire? Is there any point when you think a grown adult who's earning money should pay for their own food?

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 18/09/2023 21:29

missmatch23 · 18/09/2023 17:39

@Wexone me being ill was hidden as much as possible. He was not aware that I was undergoing counselling. He wasn't aware I was on medication 3 times a day. He was sheltered as much as I possibly could shelter him, without moving out myself. However, I am never off work. Ever. That has been part of the reason for me being ill. During this time, he refused to help and literally left every plate, spoon, knife, cup etc for me to clean up after him. Started leaving his shaving residue and toothpaste splatter in the sink for me to clean. It quickly became apparent that the attitude was 'mum shouldn't be off work, so she can work at home while I swam about.'

I have had every kind of respectful conversation with him that anyone can mention, as I've said over and over again. I've looked for new jobs for him, sent him extra courses he'd find interesting to keep him ticking until he goes to uni. I've tried to get him to sit and make a travelling plan, as well as encouraging him to save. He has taken nothing onboard. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of tolerating his behaviour, palming it off as a teen attitude.

This 'man' has gone from a kind, caring, loving, funny little boy, who literally was my sidekick. To an ignorant, self indulgent, bone idle stuck up man. It hurts to say those things when I have always tried my best to provide balance. I think what I need to realise is, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. People will become who they want to become, regardless of what they have been shown in the meantime.

There's no screen time after six on my end, as this time is spent with my youngest DS. So once again, thank you everyone for your helpful comments.

I think you have sheltered him a bit too much to be honest. He needs to start dealing with unpleasant realities.

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